Friday, April 27, 2007

Employee rant

Right, so every so often I have to go to a certain British company to sort out some personal stuff. Nothing I can mention here... It's personal remember!!!! Anyway, what drives me nuts are how some companies manage to find some of their employees...


British company in Portugal...

Hey!!!!!
Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception-
I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick.
Did you manage to get through Kindergarden?
I think I would respect you more if the answer to that was no.
Where the hell did you learn your English? And how did such a company as large as this one manage to convince itself that you were perfect for the job??
I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like
“who yous callin’ for?” or
“he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favourite,
“who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too.
I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so:
Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Still emailing me????????

To all of you illegal immigrants still emailing me and giving me shit about my nationalistic views in this blog...

Thanks for the emails and the sacrifice, now Fuck off!!

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Wedding rant

Why do women insist on buying the wedding dress?
They wear it once. It costs on average over 2000 Euros (plus shoes and vail).
Why not rent it? Once a person is finished with said dress, it gets put into a box and never looked at again anyway!!!!
Men are the smart ones. Even though we KNOW we will use a tux again, we still rent it. Why? It's simple, we know the next time we do use the stupid thing, we will probably be a different size.
I mean, hell. Even if God forbid a person was to get divorced. That wedding dress would still never be worn again. The girl would simply buy another one. Saying "that one is bad luck," or "It would be tacky to wear the same wedding dress twice."
I mean geez, for all the money that is spent on that one outfit that is worn ONE DAY I could easily buy all sorts of cool shit that I could use EVERYDAY.
Women are so illogical it drives me nuts sometimes!!! And not only that, she now wants a church wedding as well next year so we will have to go through all the nightmare of preperation and more money for the bloody thing. And did she take my suggestion of wearing the same dress again for the church wedding in good spirit???? NAh!!! Just a kick in the chins and a handful of my groin convinced me to start saving now for the bloody thing!! The dress isn´t the only thing that annoys me. Firstly I planned the whole money spending budget like a military campaign, every corner was covered and every cent placed logically to where it was to go... Then she came, looked at the list and said:
"You forgot the miniature bride and groom for the cake!"
"The what?" I said looking at her in amazement.
"The miniature bride and groom" She smiles.
´Ok,´ I thought. ´I can afford another ten euros for two miniature crappy dolls.´
Nope!!! 78 Euros they wanted. 78!!!!!!!!! That´s like 100 quid in real money for a tiny Ken and Barbie look-a-like shitty fucky dolls.
I wanted the plasticine do it yourself pack, but oh no!!! We had to have the 78 Euro bloody things!!!!!!!!!!

Women make my head hurt.

Friday, March 09, 2007

Something funny...

So yeah, i´ve been away for a while and you all missed me right... RIGHT!!!!!?????
Here is something to lighten the mood...

Great To Be A Guy:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress 2000 Euros; Tux rental 100 Euros. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Historical monuments rant

Well my Birthdays come and gone again and yes 35 has come and gone also, but that is not why I am ranting today. My rant is about the over all disgusting condition of most of our historical monuments. Excepting the obvious ones .. The tourist attractors and the Colonial War memorial, and ones that were built in the last 50 years or so, but all the other ones.
Nearly all of the secondary and ancillary monuments, sculptures and fountains are disgusting, the maintenance and repair more resembled the Barreiro at four a.m. (Barreiro being the shit hole town that it is!!!!!) than a tribute to the persons or ideal they were commissioned to honour.
Hell, the WW1 Memorial is listed on the most endangered spaces list.!!
I know we have so few living veterans from WW1, and they are not part of the “Greatest generation” and probably no longer vote, so the government has no interest in showing any gratitude to those who have answered the call. And lord knows we have no more citizens of any of the 19th century wars, or important historical events…
But just how the fuck are we supposed to put forth a picture of beauty, history, honour and portray a genuine concern for those events and gratitude to the past or encourage the people of future generations who are smart enough to know their history!!!! The Government has an out of sight out of mind mentality, which has just got to stop!!!!!!!!!

Friday, January 26, 2007

How to tell if your an inconsiderate bastard

I sure am glad that everyone is rude and oblivious nowadays. It makes my life so much easier knowing that the people around me around are incompetent cock-knockers who could give a shit about anyone around them. I am constantly reminded of this every time I take a drive anywhere, as citizens (usually of the female persuasion) constantly try to run me off the road or cut me off in the middle of the motorway. I'm not sure why people are so careless, but if it doesn't stop, I will surely have to judo chop some faces. Just today as I was driving back to work from horsemilking class, upon entering the motorway I notice that everyone is stopped. Traffic is backed up for miles all because some jerkoff decided to crash their car into the barrier. Thanks for holding up hundreds of people just because you can't commandeer a vehicle, you selfish moron. The Department of Transportation should just launch a huge satellite into space that blows up stranded/wrecked cars with a huge laser, just so awesome people like me don't have to wait for their worthless asses. As if that wasn't enough, my air conditioning temporarily decided to stop working as I was stuck in the traffic. I've never been so close to having a brain aneurysm in my life.


There you have it folks. You have all passed the test, congratulations on being a supreme dickhead. Do all of us a favour and go get a vasectomy. Or if you're a female one of those vagina removal surgeries. Maybe then I won't have to deal with your obnoxious offspring.

Eyebrows


Andy Rooney has the world's largest eyebrows. I am completely serious. These things would put a blue whale's penis to shame. I was watching an interview with him on TV and I nearly spilled my coffee all over myself when they zoomed in on his face.

You could knit a friggin' quilt with them. I sat there utterly terrified that these monstrosities were so enormous that they would transcend space and time and somehow come through the television set to suffocate me. They actually had to end the interview early because his eyebrows kept knocking the camera over.

I seriously need a moustache



For the 35 years I've been on this earth, I have never come across a realization as awesome and epic as this one. I need to grow a moustache. The raw sexual energy that is exuded by the simple act of having a hairy upper lip is so powerful that it can turn straight men gay and gay men even gayer. Why moustaches have gone out of style within the past few years is beyond me, as sporting a sleek 'stache is a one-way ticket to femalepantsville.

Take Tom Selleck for example. He is undoubtedly the only man in history that every woman in existence has either engaged in sexual intercourse with or has at least fantasized about it at one time or another. Don't deny it, I know you have. If you could harness the power of the sun, then convert it to sexual energy and add a moustache, you would have Tom Selleck. This guy could get laid in a lesbian factory without even trying.

Alright, enough about Tom. Can you seriously imagine me with a thick bushy long moustache though? I'm pretty much hotter than everything as it is, but this would definitely push me over the top. Women would flock from miles around just to get the chance to comb it or perhaps put gel in it.

Not only would have a long mustache be incredibly hot, but it would be practical as well. Say I spilled my coffee all over my desk and I didn't have a towel to clean it up. I could just use my mustache instead, as they are unusually abosorbant. Or what if some douchebag coworker comes over to pester you. You can just pretend your mustache is a cell phone and hold it up to your ear, then when they come over just say "hold on, I'm talking on my mustache" and they'll totally understand and leave you alone. The possibilities are pretty much endless. I heard of a guy in Montana who used his to pilot a commercial airliner after his arms were somehow severed off by the in-flight lawnmower. The flight attendants said the pilot used his moustache to gain control of the aircraft and they mentioned how amazingly sexy he was with a look of determination on his face and his mustache whipping playfully in the wind. I heard he was promoted to astronaut or something.

No woman in her right mind can resist a man sporting a bold, reverse Handlebar with end twists. I've even seen chicks go for guys who are only rockin' an unkempt Walrus. My mind is blown.

So in conclusion I will hereby be growing the largest, most awesome moustache known to man. The next time you see me, I'll be swatting chicks off of me with my moustache as I am voted sexiest man alive by all magazines ever, then my hot wife will grasp my sturdy 'tache and I will fly over a rainbow and we'll go on some pretty whacky adventures together. Actually thats a dream I had a couple nights ago, but it could definitely happen.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Questions that just need answering!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the Police breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No trousers? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant goes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on chips, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
What shape is the sky?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?