Chuck Norris Facts

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

(Stolen Without Permission from Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle)*

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the** distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as “tunneling,” this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbour’s domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a “gluing” force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this produce consists of 99.999999999999% empty space.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional^ legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are “rolled up” into such a small area that they cannot be detected.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

* As if you couldn’t guess, I got this verbatim from somewhere else on the net. The Illegibly copied title wasn’t even in my handwriting, even though my handwriting is defined by its illegibility. Isn’t this great! I’ve put my own disclaimer on my disclaimer page regarding my disclaimer! Please don’t hit me!

Email Mistake (Very very funny)

An amazing true story about an e-mail gone wrong. Found the clipping in an American newspaper. Very very funny...

"A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying out the next day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left one letter out in her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a Minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow´s son rushed into the room and and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I´ve arrived
Date: October 16th
I know your surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey will be uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is freaking hot down here.

Pride is such a dirty word...

This manifest coming from someone that doesn't live in the 'new' South Africa (where the after-appartheid Laws protect and promote blacks, segregating the whites - a new form of apparteheid that seems not to bother the International Community, previously always very active in this matter!!!!!!), or in any other African country (where, at least, laws like the 'New Racist South African Laws' are not official....), is a genuine protest.

Makes for interesting reading and something to think about.

Proud to be White

Michael Richards makes his point!... ... ...

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld, makes a good point!

This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...

'Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?'

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'...

and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, Chinkor or Kaffir (I added his one used in South Africa that, according to the new Law, is considered an offense punnished by the South African Law and that only means "any black African" - Collins English Dictionary)... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the 'United Negro College Fund'.

You have 'Martin Luther King Day'.

You have ' Black History Month'.

You have 'Cesar Chavez Day'.

You have 'Yom Hashoah'.

You have 'Ma'uled Al-Nabi'.

You have the 'NAACP'.

You have 'BET'!...

If we had 'WET' (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists..

If we had a 'White Pride Day', you would call us racists.

If we had 'White History Month', we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.

We have a 'Hispanic Chamber of Commerce', a 'Black Chamber of Commerce', and then we just have the plain 'Chamber of Commerce'... Wonder who pays for that?

A white woman could not be in the 'Miss Black American' pageant, but any color can be in the 'Miss America' pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed 'Black Colleges' in the US. Yet if there were any 'White College', that would be a racist college.

In the ' Million Man March', you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.

If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.

But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.

But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist..

I am proud... But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?’

Fuck You, PP! (Warning, this is a RANT)

Yeah that's right. This is a very long stupid fucking rant that we all hate so much. I'm not asking you to read it but you can if you'd like. This is more about venting than anything else. Whether you want to read it or not, just please don't ever get work for a British Financial Services company I worked for because they'll fuck you over. Anyway, on with my rant.


Dear PP,

Fuck you, you stupid, cocksucking, backstabbing, piece of shit company!

At first things were cool between us. I had work for maybe a year or so and boy did we have some good times within that year. Remember when my pc just wouldnt work and you gave me a new one and still it seemed slower than hell and then you bollocked me for not working fast enough??? DO you remember??? That was one of my fondest memories of the time we spent together. Remember how funny it was when I got pissed off and threw my keyboard across the office and all the keys flew out so that putting them back together in the right places was vertually impossible?? Yep, that's how I found out you guys fucked me over. We had such a good laugh about that one! What about the time you forced me to do those endless boring non sensicle company courses run by people who couldn't speak English properly in the first place, only to leave me totally baffled and confused by the whole course and wondering where I would start to translate your endless crap, because your company wont employ English natural ex-pats but Portuguese dickwads that think they know English only to make up their own words!!! Remember?? hahahaha I still laugh about that now. Or the time you "accidentally" erased all my information on my pc that was vital to the company like the endless drearly stats I had to complete every bloody day? Remember that one?

What about when you switched the company phones and non of them worked properly for about a week? And every time I called out to clients I was put through to some non understanding Portuguese person that spoke to me in their language that reminds me of Klingon... Though you and I both know I may live in Portugal but I'm clearly a white boy who can barely order food at a Mexican restaurant let alone understand whatever the hell they were saying? Yeah that was a good one. Everyone who called my phone either hung up without leaving a message or started their message with "Uhh, I don't know if this is you or not, because your speaking to me in a different language but hey .... blah blah blah..." Then when I called to switch it back, I wasn't able to because you answered with a Portuguese automated system. Haha, I think I was stuck with Portuguese for a week!
You always were such a prankster.

We had such a good relationship so I don't know why you're pulling this latest stunt. Perhaps it's because you're mad that I refused to go to another Pirate day Training to learn how to walk on a wooden leg and wear an eye patch whilst trying to build my own Pirates hat? Team building I think you called it? Bollocks I think I called it... Maybe it's just another one of your pranks? Maybe you miss me and just want to me to leave by giving some bullshit that my contract is over and that you cant ship me to another department because their are no vacancies only for me to find out a week after I left that your recruiting... HAHAHAHHAHAHA thats great! every time I'm forced to to talk about your company to the Union and the Workers Right Government Department it just makes me laugh out loud!!!! I don't know but I've tried to be reasonable about this.

I left the company a month before i was due because you kindly offered me full pay but that little prank of getting me out of the building and recruiting straight away after all the bullshit you gave me about we have no spaces is the best ever. You must've known I I'd just walk away quietly with not a care in the world not a care that I have a new born daughter and a nagging wife. Not a care indeed!!!!!!! Now every time I get a letter from the Union or the Worker Rights I just smile and think of all the good times. So its not the companies fault... Someone, and I know who you are; Hates me... Fine I did all I had to do and told to do and that still wasn't good enough eh? You actually wanted me to brown my nose and shove it so far up your big fat humongous eclipse of an arse, that I could see through your eyeballs uh?? Is that what you wanted me to do?? Well... It's not gonna happen girlfriend!!

Not only did I get a letter from the Union, I also got a call from a very nice lady from your company saying that basically my life is gonna get fucked up if I continue sending you emails. Hmpff yeah thats gonna happen!!! because of this and I basically have to go further and it will get worse. I gave you a call and of course we did our little dance that we always do where they tell me to call you and then you tell me to call them. This usually goes back and forth for a bit but this time I didn't feel like dancing. Now no one will answer my calls no one will respond to my emails. Ooooohhh you so funny. You comedian yes???

What. The. Fuck?

I'm sorry PP but this is complete bullshit. I have been cool and calm about all the shit you've pulled in the past few weeks and now I'm fed up. After all, a bloke can only take so much until he explodes. Why the hell didn't you tell me this shit in the first place? That my contract was over. good bye. ended! NO! you had to fuck me over and shut me up! Well its not gonna happen.

Yes, I'm being stupid and stubborn about this but I don't care. You've already fucked up my life so it doesn't really matter if I fuck your company over or not. It's not even about the money. It's about the point of the whole thing. I'm sick of you bullying people. Your cock sucking ways and your arse licking nature. Oh and your recruitment is bullshit. Only contracting gays on the other departments??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!! Thats bullshit. And I refuse to get bullied. You can kiss my ass and then go fuck yourself, you bastards.

Sincerely,

Pariah

P.S. -2 Die Asshole

P.P.S. Faggots!!