The battle for living room space

So my niece has started to walk it all mostly consists of falling on her huge arse but she´s nearly one and already a handful. The thing she likes the most is fighting me!!! I wonder why???? Her latest trick is to try to get behind me and rabbit punch me between the shoulder blades which really hurts to her constant amusement.

I smile as I hear the soft pitter patter of tiny foot steps as the ninja baby approaches for a surprise attack.
"Aaaaaaarrrrhhhhh!!!" I scream as she goes for a strangle hold from behind and leaps onto my back with both knees colliding into my spine.

Let the battle commence..............

Kicking punching and biting me with her first lower tooth, she tries to pin me to the ground. I grab her leg and dangle her up side down as she laughs and kicks me with her other leg square between my eyes.
"Gaga!" She screams as I fall backwards still holding her leg, falling heavily with that enormous nappy on my groin. I shoot upright as soon as she makes contact as she then plants my mobile phone that fell out of my pocket straight against my cheek.
"Jesus, you little shit!" I yelp.
"Gagaaaa!!" She screams her victory cry.
"Stop fighting the baby!" My sister shouts from the kitchen.
Suddenly and without warning I turn the tide of battle, we grapple for the phone, but I´m wounded holding my face and she has two hands on the phone.
"Got ya!" I shout as I prise the phone free only to be met with a barrage of baby finger up my nose. "Aaarhhh!" I shout again as she hunts for my brain. I pull her away and pin her to the floor, she automatically turns into a hedgehog and curls into a ball. My hands grapple with her limbs as she kicks and punches me away. From hedgehog to slippery eel she transforms and frees herself from my grip. She´s up on all fours with her fat arse in the air trying to stand. I lunge for her head, she dodges and smiles as I fall flat on my face. She´s on my back now, bouncing up and down on my head as my face hits the floor. I grab her again and throw her onto the couch where she stands and calls me a wanker. I´m shocked at the sudden out burst which gives her enough time to back step for a run up. She runs and jumps her feet making contact with my chin, spinning me to the ground where she falls gracefully onto the floor. The cats come in for a look and decides to sit and watch the mayhem. I look for her but she´s nowhere in sight, suddenly a scream from the light fixture makes me look up as she smiles her devilish smile and does a wrestling frog splash against my chest. I narrowly avoid the attack and fein the likes of a bored man. I sit and watch tv, avoiding eye contact. She runs towards me and bites my toe.
"AAAARRRHHHH!" I scream and the battle is back on. I grab her hair and she spins on all fours forcing me to release my grip on her soft Johnsons baby shampoo covered golden locks.
She screams. "Aaarrrhh!" and I do the same. The wrestling continues, I call a cease fire but she ignores me whispering that ´she´s going to cut me when I sleep´.
Finally I have to pull rank. "Stop it or no more Winnie the Pooh story time."
She sits silently watching TV, cuddling my arm, being the perfect niece but in fact she´s digging her uncut finger nails into the veins in my arm.
"You little bitch" I shout.
"Don´t call your niece that!" My sister appears in the hall way.
"Mama!" Catarina smiles lifting her arms as her mother picks her up and walks away. She looks over her mothers shoulder and grins, flicking her fingers across her neck.

I don´t think I´ll sleep tonight.

Is there a doctor in the house?

So here I am after working a 49 hour shift, having to find a bed, at the hospital where I worked today to try and get some sleep before my next shift. "Shitty fucking hospital" I thought as I battled the masses of plague infected people, barging through them and ignoring their pleas for help. "Oh please help me, my arm has been severed in a motorbike!" "Fuck Off and stop fucking bleeding on the floor!!!!!" Jesus, some people have no consideration! With my blood shot eyes and weak, tired body I stumble through to a private room with an empty bed. Oh bliss! So I take off my white jacket, pull off my badge and slump onto the bed. Mmmmmm sleep. Well no!!! A minute later the emergency alarm went off and my pager vibrated on my belt causing a chain reaction of jerks and jumps. Hauling myself up and reading the pager, I find their was another major road traffic accident, the second this week which meant I had to go back to work. I slip on my jacket again while beds and people are rushing past the window. Oh well here we go!

So after another four hours of hell I manage to find my office and fall asleep by my desk, only to be rudely awakened by a nurse wanting to ask me about my notes on urine testing. "Oh for Christs sake!" So here I am again 55 hours later, with no sleep, on my desk typing the blog with a litre of Red Bull and four ´pick me up´caffeine tablets. Mmmmmmm! Got an hour drive out of Lisbon to get home... Which is nice!!!

Nice one Red!

Poor Spain.

And Peace Came Over the Land between Portugal and Spain.

Or at least the news have been saying throughout Portugal. The non aggression pact signed in the 30´s between our two former fascist dictators, has been finally agreed to the terms of an alliance. After over 900 years of bloody wars and economic battles between our two countries have finally ceased!!!! The people of the Portugal, do hereby decree an immediate ceasefire on the cowering populace of Spain.

Yes, I found it odd that the entire nation of Spain would bow down after so many years of hatred, but then look at their train bombing by the al-Qaeda. Clearly, one little explosion and the entire Spanish nation shits itself and pulls out of Iraq, forcing the other nations, including Portugal, in that God forsaken sand blasted country to take the burden of their loss and make the al-Qaeda think their winning!!!! Fucking losers!!!

In closing, people of Spain, you may come out of your cellars. You may breathe deeply of the fresh air. You may take down the plastic sheeting and duct tape. You may cease with your burnt offerings and cries for mercy. You may once again engage in random and unwarranted anal probing with your fellow countrymen!!!!

This I decree! Let there be peace!

Why oh why?????

They always ask that. The continued hate mail I receive from you assholes that don´t know me... In fact I enjoy reading your shitty letters but why do I do this? What's my fucking problem? Just who the hell do I think I am? Why won't I take that shit down? Have I ever heard of libel? Don't I know what goes around comes around? I'll get mine, won't I buddy???

Yeah. Obviously I've heard them all. I wrote a bunch of naughty words down and then the e-mail eventually starts to arrive. There are some who write to tell me how funny my rants are. I like those people. The rest send me death threats or hate mail. One of you even threatened to burn me alive while I slept. Yeah you know who you are you Ukrainian fuck!!!! One of these days I will put them all together into a giant rant for you guys. There's really nothing else to be done about hate mail.

I got a lot of reasons why I wrote this shit. Sometimes, something funny happens and I want all my friends, including the ones that only exist as incoming chat messages, to know all about it. I want to take the time to do it right so that they feel like they are there when it happens and can enjoy it as much as I did, or feel what I felt.
That's a reason I wrote this shit.

My flesh and blood friends get a better view of the real me and what's going on in my head than I could say unrehearsed on the phone. It saves time to do it right the first time on the computer and then everyone can see it at once, instead of me explaining shit to 4 or more people on the phone. When I write about a fucked up thing that involves my flesh and blood friends, the things that bother me end up on these pages and I get them out of me. If anyone who knows me personally has read about a rant that had them in it, I think you'll agree that I no longer hold the fucked up thing against you if I wrote it down. There is a shitload of stuff I've yet to put on paper, but the time ain't right just yet.
That's a reason I wrote this shit.
Sometimes, I think up the weirdest shit and nobody I know would care to hear about it. So I write it down, they read it, can make nothing of it, and we move on. Most of my rants end up that way. Once I get the weird shit out of my head, I won't blurt it out in mixed company. None of us want that.
Sometimes, in fact, often, I am still up at 4 in the morning on a Thursday when I should be passed out. I can't recall being up at that hour because of another person, its always one of those long lonely days where everything fell through and you've had too much caffeine and cola and you pace and work on bizarre personal projects, read, sketch, etc., but mostly you just want desperately to speak to another human being, to hold somebody, to rest with them without saying a word, to go out and gaze the stars, to walk on the beach and whisper dirty things to each other, something, anything!!!

Right about then, I pull up all my writings, the ones on this page, the ones that will never see the light of day, and I just read them backwards from the order I wrote them. When I do that, all you stupid fucks come back to life for me and then I'm not alone anymore. I can read a rant and for a while I am back in that stupid relationship with Sofia, arguing in a nightclub about her stupid personal life when we should be enjoying ourselves. Sometimes I am with all of my friends, working at the clinic or hospital and Sandra is muttering to Paula about what a fuckhead I am. Sometimes everyone is talking shit about me behind my back and I hate them all.
All that really matters is that the tight clenching feeling in my chest when I need other people around me is gone. That's a reason I wrote this shit.

Sometimes I am just an asshole, I admit it and I write something fucked up about you for everyone else to see. I want everyone to know what a freak you are. Its Don't make me write something nasty about you on my blog bitch! If that bothers you, that's pretty fucking sad. Its a fucking blog!!!! It's the lamest threat imaginable.

If you read all that and want one of my rants taken down, please be so kind as to fuck off!!!

Microwave Pizzas

The gray, silvery, waxy shitty thing that my microwave pizza sat on today, sucks. It's a lie. "They" tell us that it will make our food crispy when we microwave food on it. You know what I'm talking about. You're supposed to put your pizza or your hot pocket or whatever on it and it's supposed to make your food as crispy as if you baked it. You don't bake it because you don't have 30 min to wait to stuff your face because you are a lazy fuck or a fat fuck (I hope I am the former but soon, after eating all these microwave pizzas, I will become the latter) and you want your food NOW!!!!! So you nuke it in the microwave instead. Yeah!!!! It doesn't work. It never works. It's not a crispy-maker, it's a sadness-maker. It raises your hopes only to dash them. It's like the dead beat dad that never went to your football games. It's like the loser girlfriend who never gives it up after the first date because she's been beaten or abused by her uncle who now plays a little guitar all day in a mental assylum and drinks his own urine. It's like the presidential election, her in Portugal, where you vote hoping that every fucker will lose and maybe we´ll just make it on our own. It sucks. The pizza comes out just as soggy except this time, it comes with the added suspicion that you have just increased your chances for getting cancer because you napalmed it on the gray silvery thing. It's bullshit!! In fact, I don't even know what it's made of but I hate it. If ever an inanimate object could mock someone, it would be this thing. I hate you, you gray, silvery-coloured, waxy, sorta-shiny-yet-dull, plastic, paper thingy that comes with my microwave pizza. I HATE YOU!!!!!