Long live the Pope!!!

Having returned from my kidnapping experience, I thought it would be a good time to try a comeback. However, with my only fans Bob and Gruber in prison (for kidnapping...), I'm wondering whether there's much point.Whether he's the leader of your religion or not, the Pope has a cool hat and therefore his death is a sad time for all.
To celebrate his memory you will need:
1 x Dead yukka plant1 x Spade/trowel1 x Balaclava/hat & a set of dark clothing (each)1 x Carton of miracle growLots of water and a whole bunch of prayer.
First, adorn yourselves in the anonymous uniforms of the night, making sure that any signs of identity (i.e: 47 badges) are well hidden.
Then, wait until it's dark (apparently balaclava wearing in the middle of the day attracts unwanted attention, especially, for some strange reason, if you have an appointment with your bank manager...) and take all your equipment to an open area of grass, which will be in obvious view of a lot of people during the day. It must be a public area (not someone's garden, you hooligans!) but not one which has flower displays etc.
Now, dig a small hole in the ground with your choice of digging equipment, plant the dead yukka plant in it, and then tidy the surrounding area so as not to arouse suspicion.
If you wish, you may also put a small plaque by the tree, inscribed with the words:"The Pope Tree (In memory of the Pope) -planted by order of Plants In Distress"
Now run away and dispose of all the evidence.
Over the next few days/weeks you will need to keep your Pope Tree watered and fed. And, after a certain amount of time one of three things will happen:
1. The plant will remain dead.2. The plant will miraculously revive itself and blossom into life, bringing forth the joyous word of God, and the promise of a really good year for TV.3. The plant will be removed by the council and taken to the Yukka Tree Sanctuary (the tip).
Pray for the second option and hope for the best.

Plain Lunacy part 3

To understand, or not to understand... That is the question. yabba, yabba, yabba.......
Anyway to get a jist of what I´m talking about here you´ve got to start reading from the post:
"Just Plain Lunacy" (About two posts down) and then work your way upwards... I know, I´m mad!!!!!


3. Invent a crazy dance routine, pick a suitable song to accompany it. (Alien Ant Farm’s version of ‘Smooth Criminal’, for instance.)
Now whenever that particular song comes on, you and your friends must dance to it, no matter where you are, what the occasion, and regardless of whether you are drunk or not. This will get you instant recognition and respect wherever you go. Be mindful of your chosen routine though – a dance that consists of frantic wiping of limbs accompanied by the words
“NOT GAY! NOT GAY!” will not go down very well in the local gay bar…

4. The use of inflatable individuals is quite common amongst those partaking in a stag/hen night or similar. But they can be used for insane purposes also. The main thing to remember is that your blow-up friend is more effective if there is no particular reason for him/her to be there. An inflatable Spiderman with a wig, short skirt and fishnet tights, or a Gothed-up sex doll, for example, will cause a lot of interest for some reason - especially if you treat them as if they are ‘just one of the guys’.
Buy them drinks, chat with them, take them for a good mosh to Rammstein on the dance-floor and generally make them feel loved.
Remember: plastic people have feelings too.
If anyone asks “What’s the occasion?” or wonders why you have brought a blow-up doll with you, your response should be:
“Why shouldn’t he come out with us – he’s our friend!”(Note: Take good care of your artificial companion! Jealous people with cigarettes can be a hazard. And be courteous – it is always polite to inform your friend about your wish to deflate him before you do so.)
5. Try to make a visit to your local pub more interesting by swapping personalities with one of your friends for the night. People you know will take a while to work out what is going on – watch their confused expressions and laugh at them as if they were idiots.
6. After a night out, it is customary for ordinary members of the public to become loud and obtrusive. And as a rule, people on an insanity trip will often get made fun of for being, well … insane. Respond appropriately: If you are sober enough to think of something crazy to say that will make them think twice about messing with your ‘homies’, then say it! It’s your right to be a nut-case!If, however, you are too inebriated to walk or see, the blowing of a raspberry in their general direction will suffice. There is no ‘clever’ answer to “Tttthhhhhrrrrrrrruuuuppppppppp!!!!”
7. You may wish perhaps to indulge in your own drunken stupidity at the end of a piss-up. This is OK, only if you accept the fact that people will put your insane acts down to you being wasted. For instance, the thievery of a Macdonalds uniform from a washing line is only made insane if you put it on over your clothes in the middle of town and proceed to scream:
“DO YOU WANT SOME FUCKING CHIPS WITH THAT??” at passers by.
Remember to be creative – for a practice run, try dancing around a traffic cone or lamp-post with your friends, holding hands and singing: “Sometimes I think you’re straight!Sometimes I think you’re gay!Sometimes I think you’re bisexual – I change my mind every day!”
8. Meals at restaurants can be made much more interesting, and more value for money, if you make use of the leftover food. One way of achieving this is to create a scene from your favourite film. If, for instance, you choose the popular Lord of the Rings Trilogy, please note that roast dinners make a good reconstruction of Middle Earth. However the size of such a production will require donations from other peoples’ leftovers. Remember, it is unlikely that you will be able to outdo the special effects of the film itself, but try to be realistic as you can - Peas make amazingly accurate Hobbits, whilst the character of Gandalf the Grey would be much better suited to a gravy covered parsnip. If you have time, you may wish to animate certain aspects of your finished masterpiece. Be mindful of other eaters if you choose to bring any ‘flying’ creatures to life…
9. Cinemas are also a convenient source of fun for the sanity-deficient. All those people watching …watching …WATCHING!! It is usually not permitted for customers to bring their bags, or own food into the screen with them. This being the case, take along one whole loaf of bread in a carrier bag. When the ushers tell you that you are not allowed bags in with you, surprise them by taking out the loaf of bread, handing them the bag and walking passed them into the screen. Next time you go to that same cinema, take with you a carrier bag containing a box of cereal, carton of milk, a couple of breakfast bowls and some spoons. At the end of the film insist on waiting until all the credits have finished before leaving, and then cackle hysterically at the ‘funny bit’ at the end – even if there isn’t one. Some ushers will be patient with you, others may not be. Either way they will all think you are crazy, just like me.

Plain lunacy part 2

Cars are a good method of travel during insanity trips – pedestrians will not be able to follow you to carry out any retribution they may feel is necessary.
Remember, though, it does not pay to commit ‘reportable incidents’. Apparently, some people are able to read car license plates!

Here are some suggestions for vehicle fuelled madness:
First take a tip from those boy racers – driving round and round and round the busiest parts of town with all your windows open, and your music blaring as loud as you can get it is really cool. Good listening material consists of, for example: Big Yellow Taxi, The Little Mermaid Soundtrack; The Sci Fi Album (Make special use of the Dr Who Theme, Ghostbusters Theme, and all the Star Trek Themes) and Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’. With ‘Thriller’ it is important to cackle loudly along with the insane laugh at the end of the song.

Try incorporating the use of the Vulcan ‘Live Long and Prosper’ hand sign, whilst shouting “Spread the Love!!” at people as you drive past them. (Don’t stick your hand too far out of the car though. One-Handed Jim isn’t called that for nothing, you know!)
Buy a One Million Candle power torch (or stronger, if you can find it), and keep it in your car at all times. At night it will be your secret weapon (although you will need passengers for this – never shine and drive at the same time):
Shine your torch out of the sunroof. Whilst in motion your vehicle will appear to be being followed by a mystical beam of light from the night sky! Add to the effect by occasionally looking upwards with a horrified expression on your face.

As you pass pedestrians, shine the torch directly at them, but only briefly. Watch as they look at themselves in amazement as they glow! Prolonged shining will cause them to spot where the beam is originating from – watch their expression as they realise they are not being abducted by aliens, or being selected by God for some higher purpose, after-all!
(Please note: miss-aimed torch shining will merely blind your victims, and is not as much fun. If this happens, remedy the situation by shouting “I’m Randomising you!!” at them as you pass.)
Directing the torch at house windows, to cause the residents to look outside to see what the hell is going on is considered cruel. Those people might have been asleep! And what if they’re elderly? Do you want them to have a heart attack and die? Shame on you!! (The elderly should be excluded from all insanity trips for just this reason!)
For safety reasons, I do not condone the aiming of torches at other car drivers.

Just plain Lunacy

Have you ever thought to yourself
"God, I'm so boring! I wish I was a bit more of a demented maniac, or something – just to spice things up a bit, yeah!”
…I haven’t.
People who know me and my friends have been known to describe us as ‘a little eccentric’, ‘a bit mad’, ‘a few sandwiches short of a picnic’. But recently I have had a revelation about this: Those people were simply being polite. In fact, they were all lying! We are not eccentric or lacking in sandwiches – we are just completely insane! Why did no-one tell us this before? Were they scared? Maybe they were...
Using examples strictly based on my own experiences since I was about 23, when I met my fellow loonies, I have compiled instructions in how one may become as familiar with the Craziness as we are.I will add to my list whenever I think no-one is watching…
Crazy Things to do if you’re Bored and/or Crazy.
Find a number you like (preferably 47) and become obsessed with it. Don’t worry; I’ve listed some interesting examples of ‘obsessive behaviour’ to start you off: Buy all the t-shirts and items of clothing you can with that number on it, or, if that fails, go to a t-shirt printers and get some made. If you prefer, there is always the option of buying an age badge of your number from any good card/gift shop. If they have sold out of your number, make your badge out of paper plates and cocktail sticks. Every time you spot your number (whether on your own or in public) point to it and scream
“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!” as loud as you can.
When you go out nightclubbing, steal a girl friend’s eyeliner pencil and draw that number on your forehead. (Don’t use your own pencil, if you have one – such extensive use will shorten the life of you eye-liner for sure.) People may stare at you – don’t be alarmed if this happens. They are simply amazed by how cool you look. Get the DJs of any pubs you visit (don’t bother with club DJs – they won’t take you seriously) to announce your preferred number over the PA system as often as you can. Don’t be disheartened if continuous harassment of the DJ gets you thrown out of your local – remember the power of your number, and have faith that the pub landlord will come round eventually.
Make an occasion of Halloween. Get a pumpkin, carve out the shape of your sacred number, and take it with you when you go out. Remember, you can’t throw away the carved out pumpkin number! Best keep it in your freezer for all eternity so it’s always there to protect you from evil.
Sometimes a nonsensical word, for instance ‘Toyspens’, can be used in conjunction with your chosen number for added effect. However, be very careful when deciding on your word or you may end up accidentally summoning the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse again.
If someone asks you “Why??” laugh hysterically and then ignore them for a few days.
They’ll soon realise their mistake.

Insomnia

Damn it I´m going nuts.
Haven´t slept for three days and I just noticed I´ve been writing crap in my blog.
My brain hurts and still can´t sleep.
Ít has become so bad that the voices have returned...
"You know you want to..."
"Go on hunt them down and feed them to the pigs..."
"Dan, where are you? Can you help me find my husband?"
FUCKING, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! (I see dead people! I see them all the time...)
No wonder I can´t hold a serious relationship.... I keep cheating on them with ghosts.
Damn it, damn it, damn it...
I'll catch some kind of spiritual venerial disease, if I´m not careful!
I must sleep.... must sleep... sleep...

Women

All women are insane.
God love them they are crazy.
I am absolutely convinced.
Some women though are crazier than others, though.
Just remember that when sense is thrown out the window, you need to decide where your crazy line is and draw it because one day you just might end up in crazy hell.
That said I love them all to death.
But God damn it's too much some times.

Quick thought!

About 20,000 Portuguese die every year from car accidents.
Kilometers driven continues to increase every year.
The Portuguese consume over 100 million pounds of spinach every year.
A few bags were found to have a bacteria that causes flu-like symptoms.
Two people die, and everyone freaks out.

"We must never eat spinach again!! Boycott it!! Lettuce, too!! Take it out of every store!! Never eat a salad!!"

Thanks, that makes sense!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saddam

So the news is out. Saddam is going to be hanged for war crimes, well heres a pic that just describes it all!!!!!!

Indicators

I’m pretty sure indicators come stocked with every car these days but you wouldn’t know it based on the percentage of drivers that actually utilize them, in Portugal. There’s not that much that bothers me when i’m driving (other than those God-forsaken bikers) but this is the one thing that i absolutely have no patience for. Indicators are a blessing, they keep you informed of what the person in front of you is planning on doing in the next 4-6 seconds and they give you the time you need to prepare for a proper counteraction. In most drivers, the physical action of flipping your hand up or down to turn your indicators on is involuntary and instinctual. I feel like these lawbreakers have to actually fight the urge to signal every single time they change lanes or take a turn. Why take this extraneous step? flip the flipper and please your nervous system. Make the person behind you smile and think ‘maybe i won’t kill myself today after all.’

Now i’m not saying that i use my indicators every single time i turn while driving. when it’s 2am and i’m driving on the motorway with no one else on the road, yeah, i change lanes without signaling. But i’ll be damned if i’ll do 95 in the breakdown lane and play a game of mortal checkers without considering putting those warm, friendly beacons on my bumper to use. nay, to good use.

If everyone would just use their indicators like they secretly want to, instead of just flipping the hazard warning lights when there is traffic ahead, i would have much higher opinion of mankind than i do right now.

Just pure evil...

1. Women never confess to their sluttiness. If a child rapist never admits to raping seven small children in the back of a truck while forcibly feeding them an excessive amount of Vodka, but there is still a substantial amount of evidence saying he did it, he is still a child rapist.

Nik: So, uh, Kerry, why did you cheat on me?
Kerry: .. How do you know I cheated on you? I didn't cheat on you, nope, not me, I would never ...
Nik: Kerry, I have a video tape of some guy mounting you.
Kerry: ... Um, well, you see ... YOU'RE NOT FULFILLING MY NEEDS, NIK! I NEEDED SOME OF THAT ASIAN PERSUASION.
Nik: Oh God! He was Asian? Did he have a bigger dick than me?
Kerry: YES, AND HE TALKED DIRTY TO ME!
Nik: You never asked me to talk dirty to you!
Kerry: That's because YOU never asked!!!!

2. That brings me to my next point - Women will always try to win you back after commiting what I like to call, "The Acts of the Slut." After they cheat on you, or do other slut activities, they will then go, "BUT I STILL LOVE! PLEASE." Okay, I'll take you back.

Kerry: Nik, I need you back ... I love you more than anything in the world.
Nik: Alright, I'll take you back.
Kerry: Really!? Oh Nik, I knew you loved me!
Nik: Well, I mean, I'll take you back if you let me shit on your chest during sex.

3. To my next point - women hate threesomes. This is odd, since all women love vagina. They came out of the vagina, they have a vagina, women just can't get enough of the pussy - it is a fact that most women are in-closet dykes, trying to suppress their dying hunger for the clit. Women hate threesomes because the other woman challenges her, and when a woman is challenged, she is also threatened, exposed, dead in her tracks.

Nik: So Kerry, you're down for a threesome this weekend with Sandra, right?
Kerry: Sure, as long as you pay more attention to me.
Nik: Then what's the point of a threesome?
Kerry: Can we just have her watch?
Nik: Sure but I´m gonna fuck her anyway...

4. Women fake orgasms. God damnit, if we can’t get it done, tell us, so you won't have to suffer the, what, thirty-three seconds I can go for. Honestly!!!!!

Nik: Okay, almost there ... almost there ...
Kerry: ooooohooHHHHHHHSoshOOOOOOOOOOOhhHHHHoHHHHHHHoH HHHHHHHoOHHHHHHHHAHHHHAH AHAOOOHSOSHSOOOOOOHAAAAAAAHAhaaahaah.... ah ..... ahhhhhh ... ohhhhhhh .. ohhh
Nik: ... you faked that, didn't you?
Kerry: Yeah ... sorry ...
Nik: I am going to punch you in the fucking head...

dreams

So my friend calls me the other day and says,
“Hey, I had this super sweet dream where I was an eagle flying through a sea of thorns then I rose up and changed back into myself. Then I was walking down a crowded street when I slipped and fell and nobody helped me up and then I ate a huge hamburger and shit my pants...”
"Really? Wow! That’s amazing!" Except for the fact that I really don’t give a shit. None of that actually happened to you, you’re not that cool. Telling someone about your dreams is like being forced to watch grandpa’s old 1912 vacation slide shows, except worse because your trip never actually occurred. I don’t care that you were falling or drowning or whatever weird shit you were dreaming about. Nobody wants to hear it, save us some time. And no I don’t want to help you psychoanalyze your dream either because that’s also a load of bullshit.
The worst is when a friend is telling you about a dream where you were actually in it, that shit scares me.
“So I had a dream where you and I were in Mongolia fighting hordes of locusts.”
And? So? Actually I wish we were there so I could chop your head off: barbarian style.
I don’t think I could possibly care any less about dreams…
They’re not real…
Shut up, you’re making me sleepy.

Sims

If there is one thing I don’t get, it is the SIMS games. Why do people become obsessed with this? I have a sister who has gone into a trance with that stupid game. She has turned into a mindless zombie. All she does is stare at the computer and drool. What is the purpose of this game? I mean what is it, to ruin people’s lives? No of course not, they are simulated people. Your basically a person in a house playing people in a house!!!! Big deal they don’t even talk and that is really annoying. You have to take care of them all the time. If they are simulated shouldn’t they take care of themselves? The people are sick looking anyway. I mean let’s say you are by some chance playing the game, and your person is all of the sudden on fire in the kitchen because they can’t even make their own food. Then the person dies because why? You didn’t put a fire alarm! What a shame, The 3 other people of course, could not put out the fire. Now they cry for about a half in hour and then they won’t even go to work because they are depressed. Poor people, so now since they are as of now useless, you have to waste another 2 days building an entire new family and house because you didn’t put in a fire alarm.
It is also a waste of money. After you spend 40 euros on the actual game, you need to spend another 1000 euros on the hundreds of expansion packs. Big deal so your family can’t have a stupid dog or your guy can’t get a date. So they will be lonely for the rest of their simulated days, THEY ARE NOT REAL!!!!!
You know what you’ll end up being like when you grow up? You will always worry about other people’s business. Yes, that is how that became that way. Or you will become an overprotective parent. “Do you want me to make you some food?” “Let me get you to work because there is no way you can possibly do it yourself”. You will also always be remodeling your house.
Here are the dangers of playing these games:
1. Staring at the computer is bad for your eyes
2. You lose time to spend with your family
3. You waste money
4. You try to live other people’s live for them
5. They crash your computer
6. You will grow up to be either a bum or a loser

That is all the informing you people deserve, but to do my civic duty must try to show you the path to break this mindless obsession in 7 easy steps:

Step 1. Turn the Computer on
Step 2. Go into your programs list and find the files that have anything to do with THE SIMS.
Step 3. TERMINATE IT!
Step 4. Shut the computer off
Step 5. Go into a room where you will not be disturbed
Step 6. Smash your head with a rock
Step 7.Repeat this whenever you have the urge to play this satanic game

So there you go, you have no excuse if you become a moron or lose more brain cells. Come back to REALITY!

Let me explain something to you

Hey, I don´t have a pin striped suit, or a bowler hat....
I don't own a market stall or eat jellied eels, or drink in a tea house....
and I don't know Rupert, Samantha or Carlyle from London, although I'm certain they're really really nice people.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and not British or American.
And I pronounce it Herbs, not erbs, simply because of the fact that it has a fucking H in it!!!
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing, empires and not colonies and that the badger is a truly proud and noble animal.
we say...
A vacuum cleaner is a hoover, a public anouncement system is a tannoy, pants are trousers and while underwear are pants and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'ZED' !!!!
Britain is part of Europe, but in no way are we European!!!!!!!!!
The first nation of cricket and the best part of the continent.
My name is Feral!!
And I am English!!!

Feral Laws!!!

The Feral Laws are a set of ordinances put into effect due to the fact that everyone is wrong about everything. You ought to be thanking me for making these laws, as some people out there are so blatantly retarded that it makes me want to shoot a small animal twice at point blank range in the face. If you do not abide by these laws, then you are a worthless detriment to society, and your friends and family will hate you for the rest of your miserable life.

This is a work in progress, and new laws will be added as I see fit.

The Feral Laws:
1. You are not allowed to say "I am almost [insert age here]", until exactly 1 week before your birthday.
2. Under no circumstances shall ANYONE clip their toenails or fingernails inside an enclosure (i.e. car, house, brothel, prison cell). If you are in violation of this particularly important law, then you will die at an early age, go straight to Hell, and be forced to comb Stalin's moustache daily.
3. Thou shalt not pee while having a boner, as you will inevitably spray piss in all different directions, and even though you try to clean it up, you will miss some, and the bathroom will forever reek of urine.
4. It is pronounced "Surrey", not "Suwey". There is no 'W', there never WAS an 'W', and there never WILL be an 'W'. Saying this incorrectly will cause me to repetedly stab you in the eye with an icepick. NOTE: The worst offenders are foreigners.
5. If you feel like singing along to a song that you hear on the radio/CD Player/whatever, you must ask EVERYONE in the surrounding vicinity if it is alright with them. If anyone objects you must shut the hell up immediately or recieve a swift kick in the groin.
6. Toilet paper is to be rolled from the top; NOT from the bottom as some misinformed individuals might lead you to believe. Rolling it from the bottom will cause little children to die somewhere in Africa.
7. Don't be Mormon.
8. When riding up an escalator, do NOT congregate at the top after getting off. I have no idea why people do this, but I will most definitely have to shove your selfish ass out of the way if I'm behind you and perhaps kick you a few times while you're on the ground.
9. If you are incredibly overweight, do not celebrate your obesity by wearing skin-tight and/or revealing clothing. I, along with the rest of the world, do not want to see that shit.
10. Do not ever play 'Devil's Advocate'. It is just a lame excuse to be an asshole and instigate an argument that you care nothing about. People seem to think they're intelligent by disagreeing with you, yet when you get pissed off at them, they always come up with "LOL SORRY I WAS JUST PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE!@#", which somehow motivates my foot to fly towards their facial region.
11. Always look up when entering an elevator, as a terrorist or ninja may be hiding on the ceiling waiting to kill or harm you. Not following this law has led to the demise of many actors in movies and also my uncle.
12. If you're a fat female, be nice. I don't see why overweight women are always so rude and uptight. You already have one strike against you by being obese. Don't push me over the edge by being a jackass as well. I may just have to put anti-freeze in your fried chicken.
13. Do not, under any circumstances, violently move your body when you laugh. I don't see why some people shake their shoulders and upper body while leaning forwards and backwards just to chuckle when they find something amusing. That shit pisses me off worse than when people dress up their dogs in sweaters or hats. In fact,
14. Don't dress up your dog. Dressing them up is psycological torture which will eventually lead them to turn on your children.
15. Never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase "Run forrest run". That movie came out over a decade ago and the catchphrase is no longer funny. In fact, it never WAS funny. I was jogging to my car after work yesterday and some asshole passing by yelled it to me thinking he was a witty kind of guy, which forced me to collide both my fists into his cheek bone. Welcome to 2006 you worthless douche.
16. Chocolates in the fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That shit just drives me insane!!

ex-girlfriends and what i have to say about them.

Carla - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling probably because it was new. Truth be told, I was in such a rush. I just wanted to do it with somebody. I never would date you today. You are smart, but very needy. I don't know why I still stay in touch with you.

Claire - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.

Mrs. Jamerson - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's Eve party, you were so drunk. Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down Woking with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess I've changed a lot since I was 17.

Georgina - My first slut. How many guys did you do? Don't get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great BJs.

Susie - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that's the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn't really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don't think you did.

Kimberley - My female yank ex-friend. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn't know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning at work. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn't really care.

Caroline - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I've ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don't think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it's OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn't want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I'd run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You're academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.

Jackie - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Uni. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole world everything. You slept with everything except the Titanic. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right:
"I thought you might come over." Can you tell me how many times I ate your pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?

Lisa - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing I would betray you the very next day? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing my ex was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the internet and found you live with your mother. Time's ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!

Fleur - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was "psycho bitch". I'm so sorry Fleur that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you'll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.

Abby - You were Fleurs best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Fleur all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your boyfriend - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Fleurs fiancee. You're as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Fleur would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn't know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn't have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.

Sophie - You were a receptionist from Farnborough that I picked up at Asda. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.

Paula - I'm just not ready to say anything here. I'll give this one sentence and then move on. You are a shit and that should never have happened.

Rebecca - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Oxford and become a bigshot Manager. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!

Julie - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Bible says you must wait until after Marriage. So the day after I proposed I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you'd give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger,
"No, no no. Not until after Marriage", I'd go over and fuck Rebecca's brains out. I'll bet you're now married, living on Goldsworth Park and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again.
"No, no, no. Not until after I'm dead!"

Anna????? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after the summer holidays- after everyone else had ended their holidays and gone back home, I see you hanging around outside that bar in Woking, at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about 5 pounds at Tesco´s to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn't want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name, but you looked like an Anna. After I gave you a ride home, I went over Ottershaw park. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn't want to go back to the house. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn't - I haven't cried since 3rd year when my mother drove away. So no I didn't cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.

Marina - After that crazy summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I met you on a elevator. That must have been fate. Think of how difficult it is to make a connection on a 30 second elevator ride. But somehow it happened. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn't ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.

Alice - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is
"Suck my dick" - but you took it too literally. Don't just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can't believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Samantha, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.

Sandra - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. Your mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to Guildford College, but you'd suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in Weybridge when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else. You were one twisted bitch.

Hanna - You were the most boring girl I've ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying,
"There, there. That's OK. Accidents happen."
News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You're boring and you're an idiot!

Linda - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Spain. But you were really just a bitchy English girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver's license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn't. I'm not surprised you managed to hook some other poor sod to you lifestyle. Go back to Spain and suffocate your own kind.

Angela - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth's magnetic field. Flake!!!!

Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the '60s and stayed there. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.

Sophie - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn't do:
Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don't take a leak in a Underground. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only imagine that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass,
"Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!" You were at least good for something.

Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.

Wendy - Picked you up on a train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don't hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.

Dorothy - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn't take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn't go to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend's father's house because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who wasn't his daughter. I'm sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that incident I just had to hide from everyone.

Tessa - You were on the train to Portsmouth because you were afraid to take the plane. You took me to your house, but you were afraid of catching a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life. But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A lot of girls get into it. Thanks.

Vanessa - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don't do that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.

Dr. Lara - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you in the ass. Didn't you learn anything in Medical School about Safe Sex? Other than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went to Band Camp. And what's with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.

Hannah - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Greater london, with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed. Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quindlen. OK, I'm a jerk. I'm not sure why it didn't work out with you. Maybe your family was too rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.

Ellen - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you. And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn't really care. But I've always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your roommate's bed? Why did you insist I use your roommate's vibrator on you? I think you're a closet lesbian.

Nancy - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your pussy til you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned to our other friend in Woking, same thing. You have some sexual baggage going on there, don't you. But no matter, I didn't really like you. I just wanted to see your pussy so I could talk to my friends about you.

Patricia - Skinny as can be, red pussy hair and enormous tits. I still have that vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - your tits swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you were a bitch.

Mary - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks for the BJ, but I just couldn't be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That was bad. Sorry. But shit happens!

Kerry - You were Mary all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my cum. You really knew how to play with it.

Sue - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night. But my mother was in the hospital and I didn't want to be alone. I never think about you.

Daniela - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.

Ruthie - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage. You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn't finish a fucking sentence:
"I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I'm sleepy."
I dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they sounded to the rest of us.
"Starsky and Hutch, that's a kind of ice cream isn't it?" And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I'm banging your pussy. I'm staring at your beautiful face. I'm about to come, when you look deep into my eyes and say,
"You know, tomorrow, I think I'll wear that green dress with the brown belt." Externally you were beautiful. Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.

Isabelle - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in anyone's masturbation fantasies. I thought I'd feel guilty about being your first. I knew when I popped you that I'd never see you again. But in the end, I didn't care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.

Nicky - I'm not sure what to say. I certainly can't get mad at you. It was all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my work building. You had a strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren't symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that day. I shouldn't even have been there, but I didn't want to go to the hospital and I didn't want to go to the office. I took you home and we fucked. You know what I remember most about you? It wasn't your twisted face. It wasn't your sickeningly artificial childish mind set -
"So I said to him I said, first of all, like ...whatever!" What I remember about you most was the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties. I'm guessing you didn't have any visitors down there for a while and certainly weren't expecting anyone that day. Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and alone. Ug, you were so grotesque that I should have run away. But that was it wasn't it? You were so grotesque I couldn't stop looking. You were my goal - the most vile looking woman ever splayed out before me in all of your naked glory. Wanting me. Needing me. God, you remined me of all women. Like how could she fucking do that?
I mean she´d go on about how she would drove off and as her final parting words to her 10 year old son, she said,
"You know, it's your fault I'm leaving." What fucked up mother would do that?????
I hated you so much that I never wanted to see you again, you crazy whore. Stop calling me!!!!
Fuck you bitch! FUCK YOU BITCH!

Welcome to my sick world, people!!!!

Rush hour

The other day i was stuck in traffic for two hours! Let me just repeat myself. TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!! Not one of those soul wrenching, nerve wracking slow movements that allow you to eventually get there, no. Actually stopped dead. Nothing for two friggin´hours!
It was an untypical monday morning, around 6 a.m. on the IC20, just before the 25th April bridge. It started ok at first, with only a few cars to contend with and overtake at full throttle with all that the poxy renault clio could manage. But then in the distance i first saw it all...
"Oh, how sweet. They´r all stopped waiting for me to arrive..." Was the first thought to mind. When i finally noticed how long the rear red lighted serpent was winding up the motorway, i thought it might be rain ahead, what else can bring such chaos on portuguese roads but a little rain. Within another half an hour, people were actually getting out of their cars and having lengthy conversations between themselves
Finally, i myself had to get out and have a look at why the traffic was so bad. Let me tell you... It´s quite simple once you have lived here for a while... Road works!!! That´s it.. road works. In rush hour, first thing in the morning. now i know the rest of you may laugh and think, ´well yes, that´s portugal for you...` but I´ve actually learned to accept the fact that the portuguese refuse to do their road works at night like the rest of civilized europe. Yes i know, the working syndicates in portugal would have a heart attack if you even mentioned working around the rush hour and i´ve given up shouting a the black work force that seem to have nothing else to do but lounge around the debris they´ve created between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. RIGHT IN RUSH HOUR!!!! Jesus i swear my entire body aches when i think about the stupidity of it but hey.... your in Portugal.. What can you do but laugh!!!

Borats new film.

Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film is due for release in November, but the storm of protest has started early. Already the film, in which Borat, a fictional Kazakstani reporter, spits out food given to him by Jews on the ground it may be poisoned, and refuses to fly "in case the Jews repeat their attacks of 9/11", has been called "disgraceful" and "disgusting".
I first encountered the character of Borat in a clip from his BBC2 show which has circulated widely on the internet. Baron Cohen, as Borat, stands in front of an audience at a redneck bar in Arizona and announces that he will sing "a song from my country". He then sings, "In my country there is problem, and that problem is the Jew. They take everybody money and they never give it back." The chorus is particularly catchy: "Throw the Jew down the well (so my country can be free)."

The reason it is unsettling to many people, to hear Borat sing "Throw the Jew down the well" is because of the reaction of those listening. Some sit in mute astonishment and horror. But some join in. Some sing along, smile and stamp their feet. One woman even - unprompted, mind you - puts her fingers to her forehead to make horns when he sings, "You must take [the Jew] by his horns." Borat is unsettling not because his opinions are outlandish but because he reveals how many ordinary people share them.

Lol, gotta love it!!! Watch the film.

feral P.

Welcome Fidel!!

Fidel Castro dies and goes to Heaven, but at the gates he wasn´t on the list, so St. Peter send him down to hell.
When he gets there the devil welcomes him in person:
"Hey Fidel, welcome, I´ve been expecting you!"
"Thanks Satan. I first went to Heaven and seemed to have left my bags behind."
"Ah don´t worry yourself about it, I´ll send two of my deamons to pick them up!"
So the two deamons go to Heaven and find the gates locked, as St. Peter had gone to lunch.
"Let´s jump over the wall." Says one of the deamons. "So as not to disturb anyone."
Just at that moment two Angels fly by and one says to the other:
"Incredible isn´t it? Castro has only been in hell for ten minutes and already we have refugees!!!"

Send in by the "Doc". Cheers bud.

Portuguese TV.

Portuguese T.v. sucks. It´s all communist shit if you ask me! Like their French comrades, their outside broadcasts are in primitive 4:3 ratio. This makes watching the football quite annoying!!! And don´t even get me started on the ammount of adverts they have between programmes!!!! Jesus!! Last night I watched a film, which started at 11.oo pm and didn´t finish until 2 in the morning!!! Each break took about 15 to 20 minurtes!!!! 20 minutes of complete garbage that no one is ever interested in, 20 minutes of endless droning advertisements, 20 minutes that I had for a smoke break. And the government wants people to stop smoking!!!! Try cutting down on the adverts, because theirs nothing else to do but drain yourself on a cancer stick!!! When will people ever rebel??

Two men from Scotland.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

Here´s somethings I found Amusing

I would greatly like to thank both Piero and Luis for making me laugh today with these ones.
Keep them coming!!
Feral.

These ones made me laugh!!!!

1-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?
"Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2-
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

3-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Joke.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg.
So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
The company replies:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you'll really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple.

Sent in by big Stu

Five things you wouldn´t want to eat!!

From top to bottom 1: Squid ice cream. Squid, did you say?
2: Ant Eggs. What a treat mum!
3: Chocolate covered Cockroaches. Nice, nice.
3: Honey flavoured sausages. mmmmmm
And lastly: Giant Water Bugs in Red Curry Sauce. I´m never having an Indian curry again!

What the war was about. Funny jokes on the Iraq war

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ...
Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favours, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well." —David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" —Jay Leno

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way — it's Operation George Gone Wild." —Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." —Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." —David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know we don't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species.... They're going to use sea lions to guard the ships and dolphins to locate the mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won't help us, the French poodle." —Jay Leno

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says, 'Bush Is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass." —Dennis Miller

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

New York, New York

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides toeverytriangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligentor profound statement by the president.

Sent in by Ben...

Call it what you like, I still rule!!!!

Those of you that know me, will know of my ultimate goal. My dreams for a better country, ruled by one man and his ideals. But although you have always heard me babble on the subject you have never heard of how I would rule.

Here are my 14 easy steps to government control.

1- Powerful and Continuing Nationalism

My regime will tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2- Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights

Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in my regime are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people will tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3- Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause

The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4- Supremacy of the Military

Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and if need be, the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5- Rampant Sexism

The governments of my nation tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under my regime, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.

6- Controlled Mass Media

The media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, will be very common.

7- Obsession with National Security

Fear will be used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8- Religion and Government are Intertwined.

The government in my nation will tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology will be common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.

9- Corporate Power is Protected

The industrial and business aristocracy often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10- Labour Power is Suppressed

Because the organizing power of labour is the only real threat to any government, labour unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11- Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts

My nation will tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It will not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and the government will often refuse to fund the arts.

12- Obsession with Crime and Punishment

Under my regime, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people will be often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There will be a national police force with virtually unlimited power in my nation.

13- Rampant Cronyism and Corruption

My regime will almost always be governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability.

14- Fraudulent Elections

Sometimes elections in my nation will be held, but only for the world wide media. These elections will be manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. My nation will also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Pulling on the boots...

Pulling on the boots,
and breaking up the laces,
shaving our head,
and strapping on the braces.

There you have a skinhead,
looking for a fight,
skinhead, skinhead,
running through the night.

skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
panic not to fight.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
get it on the wrist.

making for the lane way,
waiting for the scum,
smash their yellow faces,
kick them up the bum.

When they think we´re pussies,
we will show them none,
skinhead, skinhead,
until the job is done.

Skinhead, skinhead,
putting in the boot,
looking for a street fight,
looking for a route.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the place,
skinhead, skinhead,
stomping on your face.

When the coppers see us,
at first they go for a gun,
but when they see us come to war,
it´s then they start to run.

When we wear our badges,
it makes us real proud,
skinhead, skinhead,
shout it out loud.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
starting lots of fights.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
paint it on the wrist.

skinhead, skinhead....

Movie goodness

I watched a film last night, which at first I thought might be promising. The film was called "Death Train" or the "Train of Death" or something along those lines... Anyway ten minutes into the movie I already had doubts that it would turn out to be any good. Firstly the train was full of monks and nuns on their way to a pilgrimage to Loures. "Hold on a minute?" I thought out loud. "This is going to be shite!"
Well I wasn´t disapointed, the train had been taken over by a band of terrorists, from South Africa I think, who had escaped with a highly toxic and deadly virus.
"Ok, so I´ll give this a chance, maybe they´ll be a massive virus charged death train full of brain hungry zombies dressed as monks who will rampage across the French countryside." Nah!!! The international anti terrorist police made a couple of apearences to try and save the day but did fuck all except get themselves killed and their helicopters shot down by stinger missiles. So it was left to two monks, whom I forgot to mention were part of Secret Papacy Organisation, called the Pugnus Dei. "Pugnus Dei?" I said trying to recollect my latin. "Fists of God???????????????? This is definitely going to be shite!"
These two dipshits, one of them a former U.N. soldier that fought in Bosnia (as you would expect!) battled their way to save the day by giving everyone an antidote to the deadly virus, through the miracle of the bread of Christ! That´s right, that white round disk thingy you eat at church.
In the end of the day the main monk was a martial arts expert who killed three of the terrorists and then worked his way to the leader and rammed the train against his escaping helicopter. (Told you it was shite!) Honestly, who comes up with these lame stories? Producers and directors have seriously got to be desperate to even consider making a film like this. I mean I thought that "Plan Nine from Outer Space" was considered to be the worst film ever made, critics should keep their eyes open for this beauty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who take life too seriously...

Ok, so I've been all nationalistic and serious recently, so I apologise...
Here is something to lighten the mood...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psychokinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you' re in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The Geneva Convention.

"July 18 2003: Tony Blair and George Bush will publish a joint statement today about the two Britons facing a military trial in Cuba for fighting in Iraq, causing speculation that Washington has agreed to a series of demands made by Downing Street."

We’ve been hearing a lot about the "Geneva Convention" and how it relates to those buttbags in Guantanomo bay. As some of you may be unfamiliar with this convention, I have gone through some painstaking "research" to make things easier for you to understand when someone talks about it. Are you ready to take notes?

* At the Geneva Convention, it cost $15 at the door to get an all-day pass that included a souvenir mug. Nice, nice...

* Not to be confused with the Bassmaster’s Convention of 1965, Geneva does allow you to fish using dynamite.

* The Geneva Convention pin is still a collector’s item in Geneva.

* Spain does not have to follow the rules of engagement because following the rules requires a country to actually fight. (Remember Iraq and the Madrid train bombing?)

* It does provide a clause for how to properly wave a white flag.

* The clause is only in Spanish. No other translation has been requested.

* If you stare at the cover of the rulebook, you can see the Spanish King on the toilet drinking a puppy smoothie.

* Don Kings hair breaks 15 rules of the convention.

* Chuck Norris breaks 85 of them - with a roundhouse kick.

* There are 58,359 rules listed from the convention, but no one except the United States has to follow them.

My friend told me a good story once...

When he was in the military he was put in a hypothetical situation. If an enemy ambushed and killed 15 of your men, ran out of ammunition, and just gave up, what would I do?
He replied that he would shoot them. The Lieutenant, being a little flustered, reminded him that it would be against the Geneva Convention if he did such a thing. He returned the favour by reminding him that he didn’t sign it and, therefore, did not care what the Swiss assholes come up with for rules of war.

Needless to say, he wasn’t in the military long after that.

I´m a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker, mother fucker...

Iraqi rebels admits they weren’t expecting such a response over the kidnapping of two Allied soldiers. I’ve got three words to say…

Stupid dumb fucks!!

It looks to me that the usual response - you kidnap a couple of our people, we shoot a couple of your people, we negotiate releases - doesn’t work very well. So Iraqi rebels decided to try a new approach. You kidnap our people again, we’ll bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you beg for mercy. Then we’ll still bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you no longer exist and the country becomes a worst desert than it already is.

Awesome!!

This is how war is, retards. Let me try and explain it in a way you can understand... Think of it on a smaller scale. If you slap me across the face, I will most likely shoot you between the eyes. Does that seem fair? Nope - but guess how many people have slapped me across the face. Just guess.

On a larger scale, this means that the rest of the Middle East will think twice before doing something stupid to Allied troops and civilians. Think about it. Israel has yet two things :
to ask the US for help, or drop The Bomb.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a mushroom cloud in my lifetime. Of course, I’d prefer somewhere not close to me. The whole glowing-in-the-dark thing would really bother me when I’m trying to sleep.

Death at the traffic lights

Traffic was worse than usual, school aren´t back from their holidays and so everyone has decided to cut across Lisbon to get to the beach. It´s hot again as per usual and my car was made in the pre air conditioned days. I’m sitting gazing at a red traffic light, at the front of the queue sweating like a twelve year old in a room full of peadophiles, when in the corner of my eye I see something head across the road.

She didn’t wait for the red light, didn't press the button for the crossing, just picked a gap in the crossing traffic and took off. Where were the parents? Nobody else around to stop her but then it’s too late.

The driver had no chance, he struck her with a glancing blow, and a small body is flung over the bonet and back across the road. With luck she would have survived, but the odds were against her. The final blow, a large Cherokee Jeep coming the other way, crushed her in the opposite direction and into the tarmac, just another victim of the mighty automobile.

In 15 seconds, while my light was red, a tiny butterfly fluttered by and landed on my windscreen, I turn the wipers on and it dies too.

It’s strange what you notice on the way to work!!!!

How the war was won, or not...

I was never against the war in Iraq. However I was against the way it was fought from the beginning. A blitz to Baghdad without securing the country as it was taken was a mistake as was not disarming the population. I understand that the administration thought that the Shiite would welcome the Allies with open arms. They did and then said get your asses back home so we can get our revenge on the Sunni. And make no mistake-the Shiite will get their revenge on the Sunni and the Kurds may get their revenge on both. I do not like half stepping into war. It just gets people needlessly killed. War should be conducted ruthlessly and totally or not at all. Anyone who is not in uniform and has a weapon must be shot on sight and no questions asked. There should never be a negotiated peace-only a peace that comes about by total surrender. Otherwise we get a peace that will last only long enough for the enemy to regroup and fight again. It is probably to late now to change the way the occupation is being conducted and our only hope is that one faction or another can gain enough control of a new Iraqi government that we can say we won and then go home and let the three factions duke it out until one comes up a winner--and maybe kills off about half the population while doing it. If I sound pessimistic it is because I am. The allies have the best trained, most capable, and strongest military on this earth. But no military can win a war the way this one is being fought. When it comes right down to it we have won the war and lost the peace because there is no one to turn the government over to and we didn't demand total surrender so we could establish one ourselves. Half stepping never gets you a victory. So, you ask, is there an answer? Yes, I tell you but you may not like it. A massive build up of Allied troops with an intense training program to train Iraqi forces for six months. The Iraqi government, such as it is, must be informed that we are pulling out and the ball is in your half of the court. We have trained your troops and we have provided you with the means to defend yourselves against the bad guys. We won, and we are going home. We have informed Syria and Iran to keep thier ragheaded butts out of it or we will flatten them like a pancake too. It is all up to you. And if you fuck with us we will come back and take your asses out just like we did Saddam. We did it once and we can do it again. Now get your Goddamed oil fields producing and we will all be happy again!!!!

Bored!!!

Ever have one of those days when you just wanted to grab your passport and jet off to a random country just to get away for a while? No plans, no set destination, just grab your well worn leather overnight bag and browse the departures until you find something interesting? Airport roulette as it were. A grand adventure in the spirit of Indiana Jones. No reservations, just a desire to explore and conquer with a well worn backpack, a M60 and a handfull of grenades!!!

I’m having one of those days today.

Only I doubt that I’d be allowed thorough airport security with an arsenal of weapons these days. Instead, I’m stuck at the house dealing with painters today. Which is an intense shot of the mundane. And its not quite what I’d like to be doing today. (Although I’m not really sure WHAT I’d like to be doing. I’m thinking something that doesnt involve foul smelling toxic paint.) Either way, I’m stuck here instead. Which thrills me to no end. I just need a couple of hours out somewhere. Maybe out in the car on an abandoned road, gunning down unwelcomed residents to the area. Just time to roll the windows down turn the stereo up and just scream up a winding road, RATATATAT!!!!!! (that´s my machine gun impression!!!). No to do list, no painters, no discussion of colour coordination. Just quality time burning up some premium gas at speeds just on the outside of “responsible”. Either that or I need to take a toy car out with a water pistol and just cruise a little and unwind. Some quality time with a big hunk of vintage japanese iron car and an American weapon of some sort.

Or perhaps I’ll just take a nap and see if I’m more motivated after that.

English is a strange language!!

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two pence in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure.

Chrissy C. A guy with a lousy sense of direction...

Once upon a time there was an Italian guy named Chris Columbus. Being a bit of a rogue, he eventually had to escape his homeland and ended up in Portugal. It was rumoured that there he acquired an ancient route, discovered by a Portuguese explorer to a new land. (But that´s another story) Anyway other rumours, while in Spain, he was having a mad affair with Queen Isabella, much to the chagrin of King Philip. Chris had a grand scheme on how to get oughta town fast.......
Pleading for Ships
"Izzie, honey, gimme a few ships; I'm gonna rock on to India, loot that land and bring back every exotic spice I can find and beside I'm a thinkin' Philip is royally cheesed off." (or words to that effect)
Izzie said,
"Cool, go for it." (well, maybe not in those exact words.)

So one day in 1492, Chris set sail with a few little ships, the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, explorer, Atlantis and the Enterprise (Something to that effect, anyway!!!!). As time went on, it became clear that our intrepid explorer couldn't tell the difference between a Sex Pot and a Sextant. He eventually sank his flagship, the Santa Maria, but that's also another story. As a result he sailed west instead of east. He ended up a very lo-o-o-ong way from his original destination, India, of course being in the opposite direction. Sigh!!!! (Or did he????)
By the time young Chris arrived on the shores of what is know today as the Dominican Republic, (he called it Hispanola), his men were starving and diseased.
"India, India, Ave Maria, I'm in India !" gasped Senor Rocket Scientist as he staggered on shore.

As he pointed to the tall, elegant, copper-skinned People who were waiting to greet him, he wrongfully concluded,
"And, you are Indians, Ave Maria (again), you are Indians!! we've reached the promised land!." Er-r-r No Chris.
Note ever having seen a white man never mind one who spoke Italian, The People just smiled, and set about saving the lives of Chris and his men.

STOP WITH THE FOLLOWING MYTH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many folks think, for some reason, that Chris and the lads made it to Canada and the United States. NO NO NO NO - Never did, he was lucky he found his way to Hispanola. He went there four times between 1491-1496 - never set foot on North American soil - GIVE THIS MYTH A REST!

What is sadly ironic is the fact that even though young Chris never made it to North America, the word 'Indian' managed to find its way from the bottom to the top of Turtle Island.

And............

The rest, as they say is history.....

What I´ve been thinking about!!! Fortune Cookies!

Fortune cookies.

A magnificent treat that also provides deep, penetrating insight into your future. Unlike horoscopes, these little tidbits are not vague and all-encompassing... they are specific to you and only you - such as "You will make a rewarding decision."
But all too often these chinese wonders fail to live up to their promise. First off, there's fortunes like "The future holds great things for you." Great! What the hell does that mean? Am I going to find two Euros under my cushion tomorrow? Or am I going to make a squillion Euros without doing any real work in 5 years? How do I know what a cookie considers a great thing? Maybe it considers the fact I'm not eating it a good thing. This statement is highly subjective, especially from a cookie's perspective.

Then, with things like "Pass the bill to the person of your left" (yes, the person of your left!!!) and "You should make a bold business decision," the fortune cookie goes from prophecizing about your future to telling you what to do. It crosses the line between fortune and advice and this is truly disappointing. The last thing I need is a cookie telling me what to do. Do I take advice from a Walkers Crisps? I don't fucking think so!!!!! Why should the fortune cookie get any preferential treatment? If you're not going to tell me about my future, I don't want to hear it. And on a related note, have those "lucky numbers" ever been lucky for anyone? You'd think a self-proclaimed cookie of fortune could give you some real lucky numbers. I mean, if it can't get that right, how am I supposed to believe the fortune/advice it gives me is legit?

And last, who decided the fortune cookie was a cookie? Did they know what a cookie is? Had they seen a cookie before? Because if they had, it'd be pretty glaringly obvious that the fortune cookie, with it's folded shape and hollow inside, did not fit the bill. It's more like a cracker than a cookie, though even that doesn't quite fit. Really, what it all boils down to is this: The fortune cookie is neither a fortune, nor a cookie.

That´s what I´ve been thinking about today!!!!

Immigration again! Another rant!!!

Are you like me?
Are you a little bit irritated when a group of Ukrainians or Pakistanis or Africans or whatever third world country they come from start yappin in their language?
This country needs to establish Portuguese as the official language before it's too late. Learn to speak Portuguese fuckheads!!! It's a good thing I'm not in charge.
I know a Moldavian guy that won't let his kids speak anything but Portuguese outside their house and only Moldavian or whatever language they speak, in their house unless they have guests. His kids speak flawless Portuguese. In todays market being bilingual is big. The better the Portuguese skills the better the job.
If immigrants in this country thought about it for a minute they'd see I'm right. An illegal immigrant comes to Portugal as part of a dream come true. He doesn't want to learn Portuguese because he wants to preserve his heritage. What heritage? The truth is that Portugal conquered most of the world and killed and enslaved the native people. You´ll find a little bit of Portugal in most countries. So regardless of what is in your history books you´ll have part of us in there somewhere. Live up the dream of your past oppressors and speak Portuguese. This is Portugal, live with it or leave it!! It´s that simple!!!!!!!!!!!