Batman rules and other superheroes suck!!!

This rant is for everyone. Ladies should pay attention, because you might have some questions about why your boyfriend went to see a movie 3 times in the theaters that was about a guy who flies around in leather tights.

- I'll first tell you why no other superhero hold a candle to Batman:

Spider-man

Let's face it, his alter-ego is a lazy waste of potential and doesn't harp on the good-looking girl that for some reason sees something good in his geeky ass. Plus, Peter Parker is a fucking pussy. He has a little bit of a guilty concience but in all reality, Uncle Ben was old as fuck and didn't die right in front of him like both of Bruce Wayne's real parents did. And on top of all else, his powers were handed to him. It happened by accident. Then all of a sudden after he gets bit by a spider and he automatically knows how to throw a punch??? Fuck that.

Superman

Plain and simple: He's too fucking perfect. What the fuck can you do to Super-man without some Kryptonite? No Kryptonie = assed out. And he's an alien. So the All-American hero is a fucking alien??? They have plenty of aliens in America already. Just go down to Port Richmond and you could pick one up on the corner and pay him 100 bucks for the day (plus lunch) to put on a cape and fight crime. Who the fuck is this pod to come down here and steal Batman's thunder??? And give me a fucking break with this Clark Kent thing. So when I get kicked out of a bar, I'm going to put on glasses and the bouncer will never recognize me. Please.

X-Men

Too many of them to even muster up a fair fight. They've all got these ridiculous powers and it seems like in all the movies the bad guys with the better powers join their side. Cool special effects, but the whole "whoa is me, I'm a mutant" gets a little old. I'd trade my girlfriend and little sister to shoot fire out of my fingers.

The Hulk

The movie sucked so bad that I wanted to punch the old lady sitting next to me in the twat. "You're not gonna like me when I'm angry". Ok, you turned into an uncontrollable green thing. Are you a fucking bad guy now???

Now I'm going to tell you why Batman fucking rules everything. And why men obsess over him like 17-year-old bimbos obsess over Paris Hilton.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja. Nuff said.

- He has gadgets, and they're cool. He's a handy-man superhero. A man's man.

- He drives the Batmobile, which anyone who's into cars knows it's a tank in the form of a sports car. So you can race juiceheads for pink slips then demolish it in front of their face the moment you take it from them.

- He has a side-kick who's his bitch. Which is basically like havin a little brother who looks up to you and you pick on. Men relate to that shit.

- The ladies love him when he's Bruce Wayne, and they love him even more when he's Batman. The envy of all men.

- The police call Batman. Now that's something you would see on a Chuck Norris T-shirt.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja.

See where I'm getting at???

Which is why Batman Forever and Batman and Robin should be erased from existence. Director Joel Schumacher must have walked into the studio and pitched this:

"I want to make Batman as gay as it could possibly be!!! I want neon lights and colours!!! I want cheesy one-liners that will make people cringe!!! I want to put nipples on the bat-suit!!! I want close-up of George Clooney's ass in the tights!!! I want to take the greatest Super-hero in history and shit in his mouth!!!"

Studio Suit: You're hired! Let me give you a 150 squillion dollar budget to destroy the Batman franchise!!!

Batman is the Dark Knight. He's the anti-hero. He rules everything.

I've never read a comic in my life. So I might not know what I'm talking about.

My newest invention

A child. But not just any child, oh no my children, I fear that you do not comprehend my exceedingly superincumbent intellect because you have small brains, and do not function the same way I do.

See, as I write this admirable, tasteful, amazing piece of work, I am simultaneously drawing blueprints and injecting foreign serums (like scopolamine and thiopental sodium, but the thiopental sodium is just a sugar substitute, so it's not doing much at all, except giving rare forms of cancer to my 'patients') into several of my clientele. All of my clients have signed a contract and have approved this, or what is being called, but not exigently is, "an abhorrent, revolting and completely tasteless experiment performed by Dr. Feral Pariah. He is a sick and unethical human being and he is NOT here to better the world."

But I say NAY to this corrupt, childish criticism, for I am here to not only better the world, but to make people perceive contrastingly, to think outside of the box. These critics are nothing but nuisances condoning senseless behavior. Anywho, what I was getting at, what I was getting at, well, I was getting at inventing children with my ultramodern and untouched piece of medicinal genius. This piece of genius is:

Glass babies

In my studies, I have found that I have lived with various women for most of my adult life, and I have found them to be, well, to put it lightly, a bitch. Oh dear. Anyway, these bitches oftentimes complain to me about the pains of childbirth, and how women are stronger than men - and I am here to do nothing but invalidate and absolutely obliterate the superiority women think they have, and to do this, I must inject women with my new serum, which I entitled BMFG.

Babies
Made
of
Fucking
Glass.

Now, this serum is simply injected into the subject, thus creating a liquid fetus which grows inside of the body whenever chocolate is consumed. The sugar in the chocolate coats the glass, which causes an extensive, almost allergic reaction to the glass. The sugar saturates the glass, the chemicals combusting and maturing. Soon, the glass will grow large in the stomach of the woman comparable to that of a live, human fetus. Shortly thereafter, the woman will have to give birth a live, glass baby.


I'm sure most women will find this invention deplorable, which is why I am inventing this for men. Women have their anti-rape devices, and their home-shopping network and their god damned magazines, but I'll tell you, my good sirs, that they will NOT have their dignity after they give birth to a glass baby. Since the glass is saturated with the chocolate, it will become easier to dispute the integrity of the glass, causing it to shatter whenever the muscles of the vagina contract. This will lead to massive shards left in their vaginas, which they will have to treat by themselves, because no doctor treats those kinds of incidents.

One last thing - women, don't try to turn it around on men. Since the serum is explicitly used on women, using it on a man is a very bad idea. See, the estrogen in the women’s blood helps contain the liquid glass, and forming the fetus, but when the serum is mixed into a mans blood, the testosterone reacts differently. The testosterone fused with the serum forms a powerful toxin, which can be spat out of the mans mouth. Once the toxin comes into contact with skin, it burns the skin to a crisp, much like you would think. The effect of the toxin wears off in about ten minutes, which is just enough time to eradicate her face.

So there you have it, a stunning and complete analysis of my newest invention, the glass baby. Men, I hope you will put it to good use.

Citizenship of Stupid People

Hopefully, one of these days...we as a species will learn from our mistakes. For the most part...we seem to have gotten down wiping our asses and not looking directly into the Sun...definitely a step forward from our ancestors, but we need to start doing something about those that fall through the cracks, which mainly consist of Darwin Award Honorable Mentions...y'know, the ones that somehow escape with their lives after they do something astronomically stupid? The only thing wrong with those people is that they live on to possibly spread the idiocy of drinking paint thinner onto the next generation. Given that somehow the majority of civilized people are against outright "neutralization" of those with limited brain capacity and/or function, be it by birth or choice, we need to come up with something fast, because the scourge of stupidity is ever vigilant in bombarding us with countless amounts of "Pull my finger!" and other equally sub-human antics. I'm not here to offer solutions, just ideas. One of which involves passing a law requiring a certain level of intellect to retain citizenship. I mean it; the most dangerous thing on earth is a stupid person with Western European-level freedoms. I know a lot of people have different standards when it comes to stupidity, but we're gonna have to pull it together on this one.

It would basically involve watching your surroundings, and if you happen to observe someone eating paint chips or sniffing markers, report them to authorities, and a Population Control "special" bus, (commonly referred to as the "short bus"), will pick them up, and take them to a testing facility, where they will be given a series of tests to determine their value on many different levels of benefiting future generations. This will be their ONLY chance at redemption. After the volley of tests, if they are deemed fit, they will be returned to the spot where they where picked up, to continue where they left off, be it eating boogers or talking to themselves, because these are often habits of "eccentric" people as well, and most eccentrics are indeed quite intelligent. But fail the tests, and you're citizenship will be revoked, and you'll be shipped off to an island more fitting of the quarter-brained inhabitants of our species.

The island will not be one of cruelty, but rather blissful ignorance, with giant screens playing constant loops of Kevin Costner movies and books on tape. Soon, the island will resonate with the horrific sounds of "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" and "Pee plus Electric Fence equals....uuhhhhh......uummmm...Fun!" After that, we should start seeing an improvement...hopefully.