Airport rant

One of the privileges of blogging is that it permits you to vent your anger occasionally, at those that cause you problems. I´m currently working at a major international airport and it is one of the worst airports in the world.

So step forward Lisbon airport to claim your prize. I salute your incompetence, your rude & unhelpful staff, and your corporate disrespect for customer service.

People know that an occupational hazard with many flight companies is overbooking. Rightly or wrongly, it happens, and when it does, I grit my teeth because I know that a few passengers will be pissed off and general come towards me with their anger, but they will never remember this is why flights are sometimes relatively cheap. Many flight companies have the same problems, but why oh why is it always with TAP. (Transport Air Portugal)

I cannot deal with the millions of customers (usually fifteen flights at the same time, at the same check in, in which they have to catch a flight to a hub, narrowly making the connection to the second flight as it is boarding..... and then finding that their seats (for which they already hold a boarding pass & had checked in for 4 hours earlier) has been given to someone else. The next flight to the same destination being the next morning, 12 hours later.... Why TAP why!!!!!!

... and the fact that its aircrew aren't interested in helping ("Ask the ground staff about transfers when you arrive, it's not my job"), its ground staff are intransigent ("The flight is full") and its customer (dis)service personnel aren't empowered to make decisions and rudely deny they have European-law mandated compensation forms ("write in to the PR department") make it even worse!!

An airline that has a policy of bumping transfer passengers (In fact this happens alot with TAP), deserves to go out of business. So, I'm posting this in the hope that I contribute, in some small way, to the future downfall of the company & its acquisition by an airline that runs a business, not a bureaucracy.

My advice: don't travel by TAP, especially on a transit flight via Lisbon.

The second part of this rant is about their security in the airport. I was actually working when I noticed that my airport security card (The one that hangs around my neck with my photo, areas that i am allowed to enter and expiry date) was about to expire. I contacted my ANA supervisor, (which was a lovely woman with a huge attitude!!!!) and told her the situation. The fact of the matter was that the employment agency still hadn´t sent the paperwork to update my card and so she told me to keep working and hopefully I could continue past security without them noticing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there I was, two weeks later with an outdated security card, STILL WORKING!!!!!!! Not one guard noticed my card, not one! I walked into secure areas that no passenger has ever been. Into areas that could easily have been a major security headache and a once in a lifetime chance for a terrorist. Security was awful and I mean awful. They contract a security company 'cos its cheaper than the police and once they know your face they don´t bother checking your card. Remeber terrorists, be friendly, always have a smile on your face and Lisbon security will overlook the obvious, with their cheap Brazilian labour force!!!

Step forward Lisbon airport, its time to claim your prize as the most incompetent airport in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wife, romance and global warming rant

Something my wife is into the moment, and it´s doing my fucking head in, is pebbles!!!! She collects them!
I don´t mean normal pebbles, I mean varnished ones in a dish. They´r fucking everywhere in our house!! Bowls of the fucking things everywhere!! I said to her yesterday:
"Where did you go yesterday? Fucking skimming!!!"
The bloody things just appear. You turn around and theirs a mound of fucking aggrogate in the lounge! She didn´t take it likely when I asked her if she was formimg her own beach!
I think there is a conspiracy going on with some women... Think about it! There miles of portuguese coastline going missing, global warming???? Bollocks its in our lounge!
Our planet has heated up 5% in the last ten years due to bloody candles!!! That´s whats fucking up the planet... Her candles!!!
It´s fucking pebbles, candles and now cushions!!! Not normal cushions. Oh no, small shitty tiny things which she calls scatter cushions. Scatter bloody everywhere!!! Their tiny, I mean who made them? The Fraggles??? Bloody everywhere, they are! Their the same size as a sand bag.
I think she expects me to fill them with sand, put them up against the door because the global tides are comming because she´s depleting the coastline and eating up the planet with her FUCKING CANDLES!!!!

Me: "We´re drowning!"

Her: "Yeah, but theirs a lovely smell of Jasmin."

Candles everywhere in our house! And you can´t light them. Oh no! God forbid! Their ornaments! Bloody ornaments!!!!

Another thing right, is when she lights one of the cheap candles. You know the ones you get in a clear bag with 15,000 candles for 5.99!! Usually lit at dinner time ´cos she says its romantic. ROMANTIC????

"Jesus love switch the light on, I can´t see the food. I´m not Charles Fucking Dickens!!!!!"

Have you ever sat their by candle light. Everything flickering. The foods moving around, her face is wobbling, the rooms jumping around...

Me: "Switch the light on love I´m fucking tripping!!!"

Her: "Well theirs no need to be sarcastic, I´m just creating the mood."

Me: "Well you got me in one!!!!"

Women!!!! Why are they so complicated???? They love romance which is cool but why has it have to be so complicated?? For example:
Have you ever had a night in with your wife or girlfriend, you have nice meal and then they come out with these really mad suggestions like...

"Let´s have a bath together. It´ll be just like the films..."

But it isn´t is it? `Cos women like to have their bath water so fucking HOT!!!! Have you ever seen a woman get out of the bath? Their red up to their necks! It looks like their wearing a low cut bloody dress. Even a lobster would put his claw in the bath and say Fuck That!!!
And have you noticed that they´r always in the bath before us? Thats so they can Romantically watch you walk in completely naked and Romantically get into the bath while holding your nuts above your head!! Remember girls boiling hot water and bollocks don´t mix!
And why do we always get the tap end? Your in the bath and the tap is dripping hot hater on your back every so often. Yeah love reaaaalllly romantic!!! Yeah well its all happening down our end. We´ve got the shower head dripping on our skull, the tap dripping on our backs!!!! Then you look down to the other end of the bath and she´s in the lounge position!!!! What the hell can you do in a four foot bath that's romantic. Nothing!!!!
She says: "Wash my back darling."
So you agree and move into position, but as you both move you squeek everywhere as your skin rubs against the porceline!! It sounds like a couple of donkeys fighting over a watering hole.

Is romance dead??? Your guess is as good as mine!!!

Homeless Fakes and why they annoy me!

It's happened to all of us. Its 8:30 am , you are sitting at a red light on your way to your shit job. You're sipping on your luke-warm coffee, humming along with your local radio stations shit "top 40" you drone on to every day...when all of a sudden, a horrifying figure appears in your mirror. An effing "homeless" guy! He’s floating around like a piece of shit, flaunting his half assed sign in your window, trying to finagle a euro or two from your already thin wallet. For what? So he can go and buy a fifth of whiskey to help him forget about the life he had before his children died in an avalanche, which finally pushed his wife over the heterosexual cliff into the sea of lesbianism.

Now, I feel bad for homeless people. Lol. The thought of a person, with no place to go, crying uncontrollably while trying to maintain an erection in the blistering winter cold, just to savour a split second of orgasmic joy, truly aches my shallow heart. BUT, don't get confused ladies and gentlemen, beggars ARE NOT homeless! Beggars are lazy fucks that don't feel like working a corporate McDonalds job, so they waddle their asses down to a busy intersection to trick YOU into supporting their family and/or hooker fisting fetish.

"But, How do you know they aren't really homeless?" The fact that you would even ask me that question insults me. Someone stupid enough to fall for this scam doesn't belong driving a car. They belong in the cars path so that their body ends up flattened like a bloody, fleshy, bone infused pancake; however, since I am the most helpful person on the World Wide Web, I will tell you how to decipher the beggars from the homeless.

-The fabrication of their sign. This is an immediate giveaway. Real homeless people have no idea how to write. If the wording on the sign is legible and comprehensible, spit in their face and turn away. If you happen to forget about the grammar aspect, check out the writing medium. Anything used to create the sign besides blood; feces or road sludge is bogus. The other day I passed a "Falsey" holding a sign done in 4 different marker colours. You read that right, 4! Come on! If I’m supposed to believe he is homeless, then decorating his cardboard with the 25 euro cents worth of "Thick Tipped Quad Pack pens" shouldn’t even be in the equation. I have a full-time job and I can’t even afford that shit.

-The context of their sign. If the sign reads, "I am a Colonial War Soldier Survivor", they better be elderly, missing all their limbs, completely nude and sporting an "Angola is Ours" tattoo that takes up their whole back... not a 30 year old with soot smeared on his cheeks. If they don’t meet my required description to a T, they aren’t homeless, and they aren’t getting my Euros. If their sign reads, "I am mentally challenged, please help", throw a Coke can at them and drive away. Retarded people don’t need money! What are they going to spend it on? Chew toys? Now that I’m thinking about it, the only way I'd give my money to a "sign holder" would be if it read, "Give me your fucking money or I'll rape your whole fucking family!" That gets my attention and sparks my interest! Here sir, have a crisp European note!

-Their attire. All of these "Falsey's" dress in stereotypical homeless clothing. Dirty, torn shirts with mismatched stained pants to make it look like they have roughed the elements for a significant amount of time. PHONEY! Do you know where they went wrong? While they were creating these costumes, they used clothes from the year 2000. If you are really homeless and wearing those clothes, then you have only been without shelter for 7 years, so stop being a pussy! The homeless people that get my sympathy are the ones with dirty dunlop trainers and a "Button Your Fly" t- shirt. That means that the last time they could afford to purchase clothing, Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" was topping the charts on the top 100. I barely remember that far back, what a trooper! I also toss a coin to the individual dawning an old wool blanket draped upon their bare body. Homeless or not, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. They are obviously dedicated, and I respect that.

-Their location. Regardless of what you may believe, homeless people don't know how to walk, so how the hell did they get to the busiest intersection in Portugal? We all know that they didn’t crawl! Since we were infants, society has conditioned us to kick and elbow drop any and all homeless people that we happen to see crawling about. So obviously, they would have been dead after only a few feet. The only other option is that they took a bus. The bus costs money that homeless people can't afford to spend, so they are counterfeits and I hope they get a deadly infection in their cock vein! No, I'm not just making up excuses to not help out these so-called, "homeless" individuals, that is nonsensical to the absurd power! If I’m walking around downtown and I’m in the giving mood, I will look in the alleys. Real homeless people only reside in dark narrow alleys, covered in litter. I’m more apt to shell out a couple ducats to the poor sap sandwiched within a shoebox, covered in his own piss instead of the bored looking guy wearing a beanie and camo jacket on the corner of Great War Avenue. Plus, authentic de-sheltered individuals are ready and willing to put on an improvisational comedic act to earn your cash. Paying to watch a grown man with a rat living in his beard humiliate himself by doing the Electric Slide, is definitely money well spent! It is a service that I am more than willing to support!

So, before one of you stinkies comes a tappin' on my windscrean, make sure to have proof of your misfortune. If I smell bullshit, and you aren't covered in it, you just earned yourself a collapsed windpipe. Looks like you'll have to beg for money elsewhere now so you can afford one of those electronic voice box transmitters... those are funny.

Guns and shit.

Apparently I´m a gun. Not just any gun!!
Check out what gun you are at:

http://www.quizilla.com/users/ReverendDeWald/quizzes/What%20Gun%20Are%20You?/

Liar Liar, pants on fire!!!

Nothing in this world infuriates me more than knowing that the bullshit that has just come out of a pathological liar’s mouth is an absolute falsehood, but I have no concrete means to challenge this fictitious claim. I like to call this THE UNCONFIRMABLE LIE. It serves no purpose, no logical thinking person will ever believe it, but on what basis can we actually mount a dispute?
Usually these lies revolve around encounters with the opposite sex. “I totally fucked the hot new secretary at my work last night”. Yeah, sure you did. Very convenient that none of us were around to see if you actually mustered an ounce of game, of which you’ve never displayed before on all the occasions all of us are out, and actually managed to coerce this lovely female into bed with you. Yeah, I believe that. I also believe that a magical rabbit hops around my yard come spring time leaving me chocolates in the grass. You don’t need to wow us with your sexual conquests, we’re your friends already, and we don’t judge you. Except for that time we caught you spreading jam on your scrotum and forcing that stray dog to lick it clean. Yet despite past history and all signs pointing to an untruth, I have no definitive proof that what you are saying is a sham.

These false pretenses also typically arise in situations when said imposter describes behavior that appears uncharacteristic. “These four huge guys were coming at me, so I stepped up and knocked the biggest one out with one punch and the others just backed off.” Oh yeah, I believe that one. Especially since the last fight I saw you in was with that poor kid with narcolepsy and he managed to stay awake long enough to slap you around pretty good. You obviously feel the need to prove your masculinity further with tales of combat and danger. What purpose does this tall tale serve? Do you believe that I will admire you, fear you, or respect you? You had my respect, until the moment you thought I’d believe that crap. But I digress. Once again, I have no way to firmly prove that the words excreting from your mouth are indeed the counterfeit I know them to be.

It puzzles me as to why people actually do this. Perhaps they think that since there is no proof that it didn’t happen, it MUST have happened. Or maybe they just believe that everyone is foolish enough to believe those absurd lies. Either way, that’s one crazy rationale. You go ahead and enjoy it. I think they call it delusions of grandeur in psychiatric circles. Send me a line sometime from the asylum, I hear they have these nice padded rooms and these cool jackets, they’re really straight.

Batman rules and other superheroes suck!!!

This rant is for everyone. Ladies should pay attention, because you might have some questions about why your boyfriend went to see a movie 3 times in the theaters that was about a guy who flies around in leather tights.

- I'll first tell you why no other superhero hold a candle to Batman:

Spider-man

Let's face it, his alter-ego is a lazy waste of potential and doesn't harp on the good-looking girl that for some reason sees something good in his geeky ass. Plus, Peter Parker is a fucking pussy. He has a little bit of a guilty concience but in all reality, Uncle Ben was old as fuck and didn't die right in front of him like both of Bruce Wayne's real parents did. And on top of all else, his powers were handed to him. It happened by accident. Then all of a sudden after he gets bit by a spider and he automatically knows how to throw a punch??? Fuck that.

Superman

Plain and simple: He's too fucking perfect. What the fuck can you do to Super-man without some Kryptonite? No Kryptonie = assed out. And he's an alien. So the All-American hero is a fucking alien??? They have plenty of aliens in America already. Just go down to Port Richmond and you could pick one up on the corner and pay him 100 bucks for the day (plus lunch) to put on a cape and fight crime. Who the fuck is this pod to come down here and steal Batman's thunder??? And give me a fucking break with this Clark Kent thing. So when I get kicked out of a bar, I'm going to put on glasses and the bouncer will never recognize me. Please.

X-Men

Too many of them to even muster up a fair fight. They've all got these ridiculous powers and it seems like in all the movies the bad guys with the better powers join their side. Cool special effects, but the whole "whoa is me, I'm a mutant" gets a little old. I'd trade my girlfriend and little sister to shoot fire out of my fingers.

The Hulk

The movie sucked so bad that I wanted to punch the old lady sitting next to me in the twat. "You're not gonna like me when I'm angry". Ok, you turned into an uncontrollable green thing. Are you a fucking bad guy now???

Now I'm going to tell you why Batman fucking rules everything. And why men obsess over him like 17-year-old bimbos obsess over Paris Hilton.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja. Nuff said.

- He has gadgets, and they're cool. He's a handy-man superhero. A man's man.

- He drives the Batmobile, which anyone who's into cars knows it's a tank in the form of a sports car. So you can race juiceheads for pink slips then demolish it in front of their face the moment you take it from them.

- He has a side-kick who's his bitch. Which is basically like havin a little brother who looks up to you and you pick on. Men relate to that shit.

- The ladies love him when he's Bruce Wayne, and they love him even more when he's Batman. The envy of all men.

- The police call Batman. Now that's something you would see on a Chuck Norris T-shirt.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja.

See where I'm getting at???

Which is why Batman Forever and Batman and Robin should be erased from existence. Director Joel Schumacher must have walked into the studio and pitched this:

"I want to make Batman as gay as it could possibly be!!! I want neon lights and colours!!! I want cheesy one-liners that will make people cringe!!! I want to put nipples on the bat-suit!!! I want close-up of George Clooney's ass in the tights!!! I want to take the greatest Super-hero in history and shit in his mouth!!!"

Studio Suit: You're hired! Let me give you a 150 squillion dollar budget to destroy the Batman franchise!!!

Batman is the Dark Knight. He's the anti-hero. He rules everything.

I've never read a comic in my life. So I might not know what I'm talking about.

My newest invention

A child. But not just any child, oh no my children, I fear that you do not comprehend my exceedingly superincumbent intellect because you have small brains, and do not function the same way I do.

See, as I write this admirable, tasteful, amazing piece of work, I am simultaneously drawing blueprints and injecting foreign serums (like scopolamine and thiopental sodium, but the thiopental sodium is just a sugar substitute, so it's not doing much at all, except giving rare forms of cancer to my 'patients') into several of my clientele. All of my clients have signed a contract and have approved this, or what is being called, but not exigently is, "an abhorrent, revolting and completely tasteless experiment performed by Dr. Feral Pariah. He is a sick and unethical human being and he is NOT here to better the world."

But I say NAY to this corrupt, childish criticism, for I am here to not only better the world, but to make people perceive contrastingly, to think outside of the box. These critics are nothing but nuisances condoning senseless behavior. Anywho, what I was getting at, what I was getting at, well, I was getting at inventing children with my ultramodern and untouched piece of medicinal genius. This piece of genius is:

Glass babies

In my studies, I have found that I have lived with various women for most of my adult life, and I have found them to be, well, to put it lightly, a bitch. Oh dear. Anyway, these bitches oftentimes complain to me about the pains of childbirth, and how women are stronger than men - and I am here to do nothing but invalidate and absolutely obliterate the superiority women think they have, and to do this, I must inject women with my new serum, which I entitled BMFG.

Babies
Made
of
Fucking
Glass.

Now, this serum is simply injected into the subject, thus creating a liquid fetus which grows inside of the body whenever chocolate is consumed. The sugar in the chocolate coats the glass, which causes an extensive, almost allergic reaction to the glass. The sugar saturates the glass, the chemicals combusting and maturing. Soon, the glass will grow large in the stomach of the woman comparable to that of a live, human fetus. Shortly thereafter, the woman will have to give birth a live, glass baby.


I'm sure most women will find this invention deplorable, which is why I am inventing this for men. Women have their anti-rape devices, and their home-shopping network and their god damned magazines, but I'll tell you, my good sirs, that they will NOT have their dignity after they give birth to a glass baby. Since the glass is saturated with the chocolate, it will become easier to dispute the integrity of the glass, causing it to shatter whenever the muscles of the vagina contract. This will lead to massive shards left in their vaginas, which they will have to treat by themselves, because no doctor treats those kinds of incidents.

One last thing - women, don't try to turn it around on men. Since the serum is explicitly used on women, using it on a man is a very bad idea. See, the estrogen in the women’s blood helps contain the liquid glass, and forming the fetus, but when the serum is mixed into a mans blood, the testosterone reacts differently. The testosterone fused with the serum forms a powerful toxin, which can be spat out of the mans mouth. Once the toxin comes into contact with skin, it burns the skin to a crisp, much like you would think. The effect of the toxin wears off in about ten minutes, which is just enough time to eradicate her face.

So there you have it, a stunning and complete analysis of my newest invention, the glass baby. Men, I hope you will put it to good use.

Citizenship of Stupid People

Hopefully, one of these days...we as a species will learn from our mistakes. For the most part...we seem to have gotten down wiping our asses and not looking directly into the Sun...definitely a step forward from our ancestors, but we need to start doing something about those that fall through the cracks, which mainly consist of Darwin Award Honorable Mentions...y'know, the ones that somehow escape with their lives after they do something astronomically stupid? The only thing wrong with those people is that they live on to possibly spread the idiocy of drinking paint thinner onto the next generation. Given that somehow the majority of civilized people are against outright "neutralization" of those with limited brain capacity and/or function, be it by birth or choice, we need to come up with something fast, because the scourge of stupidity is ever vigilant in bombarding us with countless amounts of "Pull my finger!" and other equally sub-human antics. I'm not here to offer solutions, just ideas. One of which involves passing a law requiring a certain level of intellect to retain citizenship. I mean it; the most dangerous thing on earth is a stupid person with Western European-level freedoms. I know a lot of people have different standards when it comes to stupidity, but we're gonna have to pull it together on this one.

It would basically involve watching your surroundings, and if you happen to observe someone eating paint chips or sniffing markers, report them to authorities, and a Population Control "special" bus, (commonly referred to as the "short bus"), will pick them up, and take them to a testing facility, where they will be given a series of tests to determine their value on many different levels of benefiting future generations. This will be their ONLY chance at redemption. After the volley of tests, if they are deemed fit, they will be returned to the spot where they where picked up, to continue where they left off, be it eating boogers or talking to themselves, because these are often habits of "eccentric" people as well, and most eccentrics are indeed quite intelligent. But fail the tests, and you're citizenship will be revoked, and you'll be shipped off to an island more fitting of the quarter-brained inhabitants of our species.

The island will not be one of cruelty, but rather blissful ignorance, with giant screens playing constant loops of Kevin Costner movies and books on tape. Soon, the island will resonate with the horrific sounds of "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" and "Pee plus Electric Fence equals....uuhhhhh......uummmm...Fun!" After that, we should start seeing an improvement...hopefully.

What to wear when the wife asks you to help with the household chores!!

Lol... Cheers Ben

Careless drivers rant

Long, long ago in a land far, far away, a young boy wearing only a red baseball cap came up with the genius idea of cars. He drew up conceptual pictures, slept with corporate executive men to persuade them into investing in his dream and murdered his entire family so he could turn his own house into the first ever, automobile factory. Who was this young man of brilliance?
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.

Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.

Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.

I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.

Soap Opera rant

Most of Portugal, and probably the rest of the world will disagree with me here, but what are the point or purpose to soaps? The same things just happen over and over again. Woman A sleeps which Man B whilst secretly having a lesbian affair with Woman B who just happens to be Man A's wife and Man B's long lost brother who returned from the dead for the Christmas special. What do people find so interesting about the childishly over-exaggerated storylines by writers who most probably only scraped through Portuguese Literature and social studies at high school? And why oh why do they show so many of them here in Portugal? It´s bed enough we have 15 soaps to each channel, including cable then we have to watch the Brazillian ones as well!!!!

Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?

Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...

like re-runs of the A-team.

Advice rant.

This column in some weird twisted way is my advice to the world. You didn't ask for it, and I don't expect you to follow it, so bite me. But why the hell do people ask for advice when they dont want it? Ok, before I make it seem like I am sexist once again, let me explain why I am going to target girls on this. Plain and simple, 95% of the time this happens, it is done by a woman. Men are taught by society to never, ever ask for things, especially advice. Women like to make jokes about it, like men never asking for directions (OH MY GOOD GOD THATS HEEEELARIOUS!!!!!), but it is their social influence that makes a man percieved weak and therefore a sissy if he isn't in total control at all times. So when a man asks for advice, he really wants it and probably selected you for more than the fact you are the only one in the room. Women dont have to live up to this standard, and therefore what I said about guys don't apply.
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.

It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.


Thats my advice, take it or leave it!

Boss rant

I fucking hate my fucking job and my fucking boss. Please excuse my fucking language. I've always been an optimistic, positive person and I think it's turned me into a bitter whiner. I hate it so much that I've started whacking squirrels off trees with sign posts!!! I'm interviewing to leave, and even though I have potential offers, it will not be soon enough. Every second I spend in that shit hole makes me want to punch innocent old ladies on the street. I just hate hate HATE it. My boss is useless. I mean ABSOLUTELY USELESS! She´s rarely here all day, and when
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!

Employee rant

Right, so every so often I have to go to a certain British company to sort out some personal stuff. Nothing I can mention here... It's personal remember!!!! Anyway, what drives me nuts are how some companies manage to find some of their employees...


British company in Portugal...

Hey!!!!!
Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception-
I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick.
Did you manage to get through Kindergarden?
I think I would respect you more if the answer to that was no.
Where the hell did you learn your English? And how did such a company as large as this one manage to convince itself that you were perfect for the job??
I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like
“who yous callin’ for?” or
“he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favourite,
“who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too.
I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so:
Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

How is this justice

Still emailing me????????

To all of you illegal immigrants still emailing me and giving me shit about my nationalistic views in this blog...

Thanks for the emails and the sacrifice, now Fuck off!!

Wedding rant

Why do women insist on buying the wedding dress?
They wear it once. It costs on average over 2000 Euros (plus shoes and vail).
Why not rent it? Once a person is finished with said dress, it gets put into a box and never looked at again anyway!!!!
Men are the smart ones. Even though we KNOW we will use a tux again, we still rent it. Why? It's simple, we know the next time we do use the stupid thing, we will probably be a different size.
I mean, hell. Even if God forbid a person was to get divorced. That wedding dress would still never be worn again. The girl would simply buy another one. Saying "that one is bad luck," or "It would be tacky to wear the same wedding dress twice."
I mean geez, for all the money that is spent on that one outfit that is worn ONE DAY I could easily buy all sorts of cool shit that I could use EVERYDAY.
Women are so illogical it drives me nuts sometimes!!! And not only that, she now wants a church wedding as well next year so we will have to go through all the nightmare of preperation and more money for the bloody thing. And did she take my suggestion of wearing the same dress again for the church wedding in good spirit???? NAh!!! Just a kick in the chins and a handful of my groin convinced me to start saving now for the bloody thing!! The dress isn´t the only thing that annoys me. Firstly I planned the whole money spending budget like a military campaign, every corner was covered and every cent placed logically to where it was to go... Then she came, looked at the list and said:
"You forgot the miniature bride and groom for the cake!"
"The what?" I said looking at her in amazement.
"The miniature bride and groom" She smiles.
´Ok,´ I thought. ´I can afford another ten euros for two miniature crappy dolls.´
Nope!!! 78 Euros they wanted. 78!!!!!!!!! That´s like 100 quid in real money for a tiny Ken and Barbie look-a-like shitty fucky dolls.
I wanted the plasticine do it yourself pack, but oh no!!! We had to have the 78 Euro bloody things!!!!!!!!!!

Women make my head hurt.

Something funny...

So yeah, i´ve been away for a while and you all missed me right... RIGHT!!!!!?????
Here is something to lighten the mood...

Great To Be A Guy:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress 2000 Euros; Tux rental 100 Euros. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Historical monuments rant

Well my Birthdays come and gone again and yes 35 has come and gone also, but that is not why I am ranting today. My rant is about the over all disgusting condition of most of our historical monuments. Excepting the obvious ones .. The tourist attractors and the Colonial War memorial, and ones that were built in the last 50 years or so, but all the other ones.
Nearly all of the secondary and ancillary monuments, sculptures and fountains are disgusting, the maintenance and repair more resembled the Barreiro at four a.m. (Barreiro being the shit hole town that it is!!!!!) than a tribute to the persons or ideal they were commissioned to honour.
Hell, the WW1 Memorial is listed on the most endangered spaces list.!!
I know we have so few living veterans from WW1, and they are not part of the “Greatest generation” and probably no longer vote, so the government has no interest in showing any gratitude to those who have answered the call. And lord knows we have no more citizens of any of the 19th century wars, or important historical events…
But just how the fuck are we supposed to put forth a picture of beauty, history, honour and portray a genuine concern for those events and gratitude to the past or encourage the people of future generations who are smart enough to know their history!!!! The Government has an out of sight out of mind mentality, which has just got to stop!!!!!!!!!

How to tell if your an inconsiderate bastard

I sure am glad that everyone is rude and oblivious nowadays. It makes my life so much easier knowing that the people around me around are incompetent cock-knockers who could give a shit about anyone around them. I am constantly reminded of this every time I take a drive anywhere, as citizens (usually of the female persuasion) constantly try to run me off the road or cut me off in the middle of the motorway. I'm not sure why people are so careless, but if it doesn't stop, I will surely have to judo chop some faces. Just today as I was driving back to work from horsemilking class, upon entering the motorway I notice that everyone is stopped. Traffic is backed up for miles all because some jerkoff decided to crash their car into the barrier. Thanks for holding up hundreds of people just because you can't commandeer a vehicle, you selfish moron. The Department of Transportation should just launch a huge satellite into space that blows up stranded/wrecked cars with a huge laser, just so awesome people like me don't have to wait for their worthless asses. As if that wasn't enough, my air conditioning temporarily decided to stop working as I was stuck in the traffic. I've never been so close to having a brain aneurysm in my life.


There you have it folks. You have all passed the test, congratulations on being a supreme dickhead. Do all of us a favour and go get a vasectomy. Or if you're a female one of those vagina removal surgeries. Maybe then I won't have to deal with your obnoxious offspring.

Eyebrows

Andy Rooney has the world's largest eyebrows. I am completely serious. These things would put a blue whale's penis to shame. I was watching an interview with him on TV and I nearly spilled my coffee all over myself when they zoomed in on his face.

You could knit a friggin' quilt with them. I sat there utterly terrified that these monstrosities were so enormous that they would transcend space and time and somehow come through the television set to suffocate me. They actually had to end the interview early because his eyebrows kept knocking the camera over.

I seriously need a moustache

For the 35 years I've been on this earth, I have never come across a realization as awesome and epic as this one. I need to grow a moustache. The raw sexual energy that is exuded by the simple act of having a hairy upper lip is so powerful that it can turn straight men gay and gay men even gayer. Why moustaches have gone out of style within the past few years is beyond me, as sporting a sleek 'stache is a one-way ticket to femalepantsville.

Take Tom Selleck for example. He is undoubtedly the only man in history that every woman in existence has either engaged in sexual intercourse with or has at least fantasized about it at one time or another. Don't deny it, I know you have. If you could harness the power of the sun, then convert it to sexual energy and add a moustache, you would have Tom Selleck. This guy could get laid in a lesbian factory without even trying.

Alright, enough about Tom. Can you seriously imagine me with a thick bushy long moustache though? I'm pretty much hotter than everything as it is, but this would definitely push me over the top. Women would flock from miles around just to get the chance to comb it or perhaps put gel in it.

Not only would have a long mustache be incredibly hot, but it would be practical as well. Say I spilled my coffee all over my desk and I didn't have a towel to clean it up. I could just use my mustache instead, as they are unusually abosorbant. Or what if some douchebag coworker comes over to pester you. You can just pretend your mustache is a cell phone and hold it up to your ear, then when they come over just say "hold on, I'm talking on my mustache" and they'll totally understand and leave you alone. The possibilities are pretty much endless. I heard of a guy in Montana who used his to pilot a commercial airliner after his arms were somehow severed off by the in-flight lawnmower. The flight attendants said the pilot used his moustache to gain control of the aircraft and they mentioned how amazingly sexy he was with a look of determination on his face and his mustache whipping playfully in the wind. I heard he was promoted to astronaut or something.

No woman in her right mind can resist a man sporting a bold, reverse Handlebar with end twists. I've even seen chicks go for guys who are only rockin' an unkempt Walrus. My mind is blown.

So in conclusion I will hereby be growing the largest, most awesome moustache known to man. The next time you see me, I'll be swatting chicks off of me with my moustache as I am voted sexiest man alive by all magazines ever, then my hot wife will grasp my sturdy 'tache and I will fly over a rainbow and we'll go on some pretty whacky adventures together. Actually thats a dream I had a couple nights ago, but it could definitely happen.

Questions that just need answering!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the Police breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No trousers? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant goes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on chips, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
What shape is the sky?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

No Sex Tonight????????

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Lol!!! Sent in by Ben.

Run that by me again???

Anyone out there have an inside track on who manufactures those intercoms all the fast-food places use?
Are they made in a country that speaks a language that even closely resembles English?
For that matter, are they even manufactured on this planet?

What other type of communications device could possibly provide you with moments like this:

You pull in to the local McBurger/McChicken/McTaco/McFingero´fudge/McFish/McPortugalia/McRoadkill Drivethrough.
They give you about 5 Mc-seconds to try to make sense of the Mc-menu - which appears to have been laid out by someone with a serious Mc-drug problem.
Then the intercom bursts forth with something like:
"Fweeglep snaglitz forthub fizzzdoink gleeetnog floydoink nip-nop?"
Not trying to figure out exactly which unknown dialect this is, you reply with your order: "Yeah….. I'll have a double-cheeseburger, an order of fries, and a medium coke….." The speaker responds:
"fjfhjffzziiiiitttt gnagletwizft vweep snogglitz?"
At this stage, you don't know whether to ask them to repeat, or just say "yeah…" and see what you end up with. You decide to take the "safe" route. And ask them to repeat.
"Bzt ffhghhfjsiittt blongwog ftuupppfttt bizzzttt florgnop?"
This time at a decibel rating that would awaken Attila the Hun. Somehow, the concept of the louder it is, the easier it is to understand does not quite work. You repeat your order, speaking slowly, and clearly enough for your cat to understand:
"I said… I …want…. a… double… cheeseburger….. an ….order …..of ….fries….. and ….a …..medium… coke…"
After a moment of silence (presumably for the order taker to get over the shock of hearing clear, understandable human speech), the speaker responds with
"OK, thaatttt wassss aa gurbergublitz forthnotwilp unappput florkweet nobbbitiy-bloop."
By the time you get to the window, you're ready to take whatever comes through it. You wanted a cheeseburger and fries - you end up with six buckets of enough chicken nuggets to feed the entire town of Cascais, six fillets of fish and a small orange juice.

and they call this convenience??