Only in Britain...

Only in Britain... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain.. do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a DIET coke.
Only in Britain... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Britain... do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.

NOT TO MENTION...
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.(guilty as charged)
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.
19 Brits have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate. British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.
101 people since 1999 have had broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.
In 2000 eight Brits cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

And finally......... Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all?

Suspicion of anything foreign!

It´s great to be British!!!!

Joke of the day!

A couple takes on an 18 year old girl as a lodger.
She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday. After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn't believe her so she said:
"Next week I'll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself."
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked:
"Do you shave?"
"No," said the girl. "I've just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?"
"Oh yes," said the woman and she showed off her great, hairy mound..
When the husband got back in she asked:
"Did you see?"
"Yes," he said. "But why the fuck did you have to show her yours?"
"Why," she said. "You've seen it all before."
"I know," he said, "but the fucking darts team hadn't!"

It´s damned hot!!! Another rant!!

It´s hot!!! It´s damned hot!!! It´s always fucking hot in this country!! My boxers are on fire and I´ve got "hot croch cooking" on the brew. Damn it!! I can´t even sit down without having a resevoir of sweat buiding up on my arse!! Why is it so hot??? Fuck knows!!
"The ozone layer!" I hear you say? Fuck off!! Who cares? Its just too damned hot. I can´t walk outside without having to strip off down to my socks and walk bare arsed down to the nearest air conditioned supermarket. If it is the ozone layer, then why haven´t we done something to fix it? Paint it, wax it, fill it with silly putty, anything! I mean whats the point of just letting us get charcoaled to death!! Jesus! I mean, if i had something wrong with my houses heating i´d do something about it! NASA, get your arse in gear and fix the bloody thing!!! You yanks have all the bloody money and the space ships, we in Europe haven´t even got the cash to send a tin of soup on a slingshot. I mean, I´m slowly boiling from the inside out and you sit on your fat arses, in your multi-million dollar high rise, Tornado powered air conditioners and i have to sit in front of a 5 inch battery powered fan watching the fifteenth thousand reruns of "Lost" and "The Simpsons" on your overpriced FOX channel! The money you overcharge us Europeans, to watch your channels should be enough to fix that bloody ozone layer, right? Fucks´sake!!! I´m bloody melting, I´ve gone a darker shade of olive and my sphincter has internally combusted!!! Sort it out!!!

Supermarket hell!!!

OK, I was standing in the express line (8 items or less) at the local supermarket today. I looked up, and this woman standing in front of me had 32 (I counted) items on the counter. Seriously, can't people be a little more considerate!!!!! As I was waiting to pay for my ONE item, I started counting hers out loud as they were ringing her up. Then she turns to me and says "Is there a problem?".
"HELL YES THERE'S A PROBLEM!!!" I shouted to her disbelief. "Your making me take time out of MY schedule to save time on YOURS. You can count, can´t you??"
Well, she huffed at my outburst and then had the nerve pull out a cheque book to pay for it. Now how the hell can she balance a cheque book, and not be able to count past 8!!! For fucks´sake!! I know by the look on her face when I pointed to the "8 items or less" sign that she'd noticed the sign, but blatantly didn't care. I know she would have been pissed if my boot ended up on her face, but what makes people think they can get away with this crap??? I swear, stores need to start enforcing those signs and stop ringing em up at the 8th item and send em to the back of the line for the rest. Those lines are there for a reason....and without enforcement, people are going to continue to get inconvenienced by convenience store lines. My vote..... Napalm!!! Burn the fuckers if the bell rings past 8!!!

Cable guy rant!

Sweet Jesus, NetCabo Guy! I want to cancel my goddamn service!

So I've had an NetCabo, a Portuguese internet and cable account forever. When my sister was living at my apartment, we both paid for the account, and then when I was in England, or whatever, it gave me an "emergency dial-up" to use on the internet. It was a pretty decent strategy. I didn't give a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys about "NetCabo Keywords" or cool NetCabo features, I used it to give me a functioning IP stack in the middle of nowhere, because I can be in a town so small the bus stop is a landmark, and it's still local to an NetCabo dial-up.
When I went up to Viseu though, the NetCabo dialups up there charge a per-minute fee. This is not good, says I, and I find out that W.N.S. or World Network Service does not charge a per-minute fee. Guess who changed "last ditch dialup" providers?
So today I call NetCabo to cancel my service. Henrique (not his real name, of course, but that's what he gave me) asks "How can I make your internet experience more enjoyable?" It was funny to me when I answered "You can cancel my NetCabo account."
He apologizes and asks "why?"
"I travel quite a bit, and I found out in Viseu, NetCabo charges a per-minute fee to get access, and W.N.S does not. Since the monthly fees are the same, this is a no-brainer. NetCabo Loses."
"Are you sure there's an extra charge?"
"NetCabo popped up with a big flashy warning box telling me I was paying per-minute charges starting right now, so yeah, I'm pretty sure."
"What do you use your account for?"
"To get access to my work network, from the road, via a VPN"
"What do you enjoy searching for on the web?"
"Who cares? I don't use any of the NetCabo 'features' other than the IP stack to get me access to my work. I want to cancel my service. Now."
"But when you're searching for fun, ... sports? music? movies?"
"All of the above, but that's not important to you, because it won't be happening through NetCabo."
"Have you tried our Keyword feature? You could just enter --"
"No, I haven't tried your keyword feature. I don't care about your keyword feature. The first thing I do when I sign on is close every one of the ten NetCabo windows that sprout up all over my desktop and try my best to pretend NetCabo isn't even part of the equation, fire up my mail program and my standard web browser and do what I have to do. Now would you please just cancel my damn service?"
"I'm trying to educate you on --"
"Let me speak to your supervisor."
"Sir, many of our customers aren't aware of the very nice features NetCabo provides, and when they --"
"Your supervisor. Fetch him for me now, before I just start calling my credit card company monthly to issue chargebacks on your service charge."
"Let me give you the number to Netcabo Viseu, who can probably assist you with the per-minute charges --"
"No, I don't want to speak to NetCabo Viseu, and frankly I no longer want to speak to you. I want to speak to someone who is actually willing to acknowledge that a customer is not a prisoner and will act as you are legally required to when I tell you to no longer process a charge against my credit card, ever. If that person is not you, it might very likely be a lawyer you have on retainer when my lawyer explains it to them in monosyllabic words that are easily understood. I want to cancel my service, and I want to cancel it now."
"So am I to understand that you want to cancel your service?"
[insert sound here of me slamming my head into wall forcefully] "Jesus, it finally recognizes the English language. YES! After saying it to you nigh on twenty times, YES I want to cancel my damned service."
"Well, I'd be happy to do that for you, your confirmation number is blah. Now, your account will still be reserved for six months --"
"Are we done? With that confirmation number in hand, is there anything else I need from you before I hang up, to ensure that I never see a NetCabo charge on my bill again?"
"Sir, if you'd let me explain --"
"Stop explaining. Yes or no -- am I finished?"
"Yes"
[click]

Hate mail and illegal aliens!

So I recieved another dumb ass hate mail this morning (Which is quite normal nowadays!) It just made me laugh. Check out the spelling and the grammar!
Check it out:

Dear Feral Pariah,
I hate you. You talk for hate. You talk abot ilegle peoples i hate you. We have rights to stay in county youres. You suck. i hate you. My peoples taking have to your country for good. We come here my country poor you talk hate. i have mother of children mine and two children mine. you talk hate to us who want better. we not take things from you we want work and happy be. I want life better for my mother of children and me. me children for better place to live. i hate you talk hate. We come not to steale but be rich and happy on country youres. plese stop hate talk, we peoples good and honiest.
Thank you
Andreiev

Well Andreiev Popov bitchin Russian Illegal Immigrant Fuckalot dickwadishski.

Spamming me 18 times in one day from 66.154.xx.xx is not going to work. It doesn’t matter if you use different names. Grow up, be clever and at least use different IP addresses?? You’ve been reported… You twat! And if you can´t be bothered to learn Portuguese at least write back when you can do in English you stupid dumb fuck. "We peoples good and honiest!" TWAT!!!
Feral Pariah

P.S: Here´s one for you Andreiev,

I was watching the news while they were covering the illegal immigrants protest and there was a guy holding a sign that said “We are all illegal immigrants. Check your history.” Someone really needs to give this guy a wake up call. He needs to check his history. Whenever the Moors came over there was no immigration laws, thus no such thing as illegal aliens and if anyone should be bitching and protesting it should be the Spaniards (but that’s a rant for a whole another day) not people breaking the law! An illegal immigrant is a non-citizen who has entered the Portugal without government permission or stayed beyond the termination date of a visa. Most people in Portugal do not fit that definition so that guy with the sign really needs to pick up a dictionary.
I feel illegal immigrants should be deported. Say I’m prejudice all you want, cause that is just a bully tactic to try to get people to agree with you. The fact is as of right now they are breaking the law by being an illegal immigrant. Allowing illegal immigrants into this country and not doing a thing about it is a big slap in the face to all that took the time to come into this country legally! I have no problem with people wanting to live in Portugal, it’s a great country. However, I do have a problem with them doing it illegally.

Scum!!!

This rant is all about some ignorant assholes idea of funny! My mate let me borrow his scooter to get to work as I was running late and he had the day off. Everything was fine and I kind of enjoyed the freedom of this 50´s scooter (that you tend to see in every Italian 50´s movie!) until I finished work and all hell broke loose!!!

Yes, you!!!!

You sick fucker!!!

On Friday evening I emerged from work to find that you had sawed the tops off both the sparkplugs on my mates motorcycle. At the time, I had no idea why anyone would do that. Other than the sparkplugs, the bike was untouched. Some kind of bizarre vandalism? A prank gone awry? I had no idea. All I knew is that I looked like a huge douchebag riding the Metro to home in a padded motorcycle jacket and helmet. Because the bike was immobilized I got a 50 Euro street ticket fine that night. Saturday I had it towed to the garage (Another 50 Euros) where they replaced the sparkplugs and the covers (80 Euros with labour). They explained to me that "people" - I use the term loosely here - like you break off the tops of spark plugs and use the porcelain tubes to smoke crack. As a Technical Analyst and former MacGyver fan, in a way I think this is kind of cool. But then I remember that I just paid 180 Euros for YOUR crackpipes, and I get angry again. Crackhead, it was really good to have the bike back though. I rode home from the garage with a couple of spare sparkplugs and a smile on my face. I figured the next time I parked at work overnight I would have to buy some crackpipes and tape them to my bike as a peace offering. Overall, I wasn't that upset. Despite having to ride the bus for three days and dropping a hundred bones at the shop, I had gained some fascinating knowledge, a new set of sparkplugs, and a pretty funny anecdote about how fucked up you are, and how our paths once crossed briefly in the night. But you couldn't just let sleeping dogs lie, could you Crackhead. You couldn't just stay in on Friday, watch T.V through the window of a home electronics store and then call it a night. You couldn't rest on your laurels. Two porcelain sparkplug crackpipes just wasn't enough for you, was it Crackhead? You just had to come back for more. This morning, a scant fifteen hours after I rode it out of the garage, I found my motorcycle violated once again. This time you only took the right one - maybe you were having an off night. At least this time I had a spare sparkplug and the tools to fix it - or so I thought - having ordered a 73-piece toolset from DIYMECHANICS.com last week. But no, the sparkplug socket in my new toolset was for American sparkplugs. So I had to go down to the neighborhood hardware shop. They had an 18mm socket that would fit over my sparkplug, but it was for a 1/2" drive ratchet. My toolkit only has 1/4" and 3/8" ratchets. So I had to buy a 1/2" ratchet along with the socket. Even though the clerk took pity on me and gave me the senior citizen discount (I'm 35) it still cost me 39 Euros all told. Now, you might say that I should have just gotten a 3/8"-to-1/2" drive adaptor instead of springing for the whole ratchet. And to that I say "Shut the hell up, Crackhead, I'm not finished. And besides, I was eventually going to buy a 1/2" ratchet anyway so it's probably not worth it to take it back now." OK, now I'm rambling. But the point is, Crackhead, that you have done me wrong. Now, I get that you love crack. That is totally understandable. I've heard it is really fun, at first, and quite addictive. What I don't understand is, YOU ARE A CRACKHEAD. WHY DON'T YOU OWN A CRACKPIPE? I am a Technical Analyst. Do you ever see me shaking down tramps in the Loin for Electrocardiogram Gel and Blood samplers? No, you don't. Because Analysing is the main thing I do, I went and bought myself a sampler or Gel!!!! The main thing you do is crack. How do you get by without a crackpipe? The other crackheads must clown on you non-stop. I mean, the fucking saw you used to saw off my sparkplugs is probably worth five or ten Euros. Why not sell or trade it for a crackpipe? You really haven't put much thought into this, have you? Please, Crackhead, please don't tell me you sold your crackpipe to buy crack. Even the dumbest fucking crackhead such as yourself couldn't possibly be that stupid. I've decided that taping crackpipes to my motorcycle would be tantamount to appeasement. You have crossed a line, Crackhead - specifically Infanto Santo Avenue. You have come onto my own street and you have desecrated that which I hold dear. You have stolen from me, and you have caused me to spend the last half hour writing this post instead of Medical shit, and it is concievable, if not likely, that my boss could find out about this and fire me. I am hella pissed at you dude. Here are my options as I see them:
1. Write a note saying that I have coated both of my sparkplugs in rat poison and tape it to my bike at night. You can thank Carlos for that one, it was his idea.

2. Don't write a note, but just coat both sparkplugs in rat poison. This is probably closer to a punishment that would fit your despicable crime. I'm sure this is super illegal and shit, but it's not like anyone is going to miss you, Crackhead. Don't fool yourself.

3. Wait in an alley near my bike armed with my new stainless steel mirror-finish Ace Professional brand 1/2" drive socket wrench, my 18mm sparkplug socket, and my searing rage. It's pretty heavy and well balanced. I am not a large man, but I am angry.

In conclusion, Crackhead, why don't you just do both of us a favour and buy yourself a crackpipe? It will both enhance your crack smoking experience and save me a lot of time and Grevious Bodily Harm assault charges. Think about it.

Sincerely,
Feral Pariah

P.S.
If you are not the Crackhead that took my sparkplugs, please disregard this posting

Road signs.

This lot was sent in by Piero and I fucking hurt myself laughing so much! Cheers bud!

This is just too fucked up!

This is A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.

A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.
He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says the cactus man. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.

Told you it was fucked up!

Cheers Ben!

What the...?

I read today that apparently, England is hosting its first ever "masturbate-a-thon" as part of "Wank Week". The massive jerk off session is intended to raise money for safe sex charities.
Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest - the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours. But, I'll cross my fingers for some of you; they may have a prize for the quickest.
You know, I'm thinking on August 5th, no matter where you are in the world, you should participate in support. Not, you know, to raise charity money or anything (unless you want to), but merely because it would be so freaking funny to know that thousands of people around the world would be pleasuring themselves all at the same time.
A global orgy, so to speak.
Have fun!!

The good old days!!

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who were kids in the 60's, 70's and early 80's probably shouldn't have survived, because our baby cots were covered with brightly coloured lead-based paint which was promptly chewed and licked. We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans. When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip-flops and fluorescent 'spokey dokey's' on our wheels. As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or airbags and riding in the passenger seat was a treat. We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle and it tasted the same. We ate chips, bread and butter pudding and drank fizzy juice with sugar in it and loads of unheard of E-numbers, but we were never overweight because we were always outside playing. We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and no-one actually died from this. We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we learned to solve the problem. We would leave home in the morning and could play all day, as long as we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us and no one minded. We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all. No 399 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no DVDs, no Internet chat rooms. We had friends - we went outside and found them. We played elastics and rounders, and sometimes that ball really hurt! We fell out of trees, got cut, and broke bones but there were no lawsuits. We played knock-the-door-run-away and were actually afraid of the owners catching us. We walked to friends' homes. We also, believe it or not, WALKED to school; we didn't rely on mummy or daddy to drive us to school, which was just round the corner. We made up games with sticks and tennis balls. We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood. The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard of...they actually sided with the law. This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all. And if you're one of them, then Congratulations! Pass this on to others who have had the luck to grow as real kids, before lawyers and government regulated our lives, for "our own good". For those of you who aren't old enough, thought you might like to read about us. This my friends, is surprisingly frightening......and it might put a smile on your face: The majority of students in universities today were born in 1986....The Uptown Girl they know is by Westlife not Billy Joel. They have never heard of Rick Astley, Bananarama, Nena Cherry or Belinda Carlisle. For them, there has always been only one Germany and one Vietnam. AIDS has existed since they were born. CD's have existed since they were born. VHS is a distant memory and they have never heard of Betamax. Michael Jackson has always been white. To them John Travolta has always been round in shape and they can't imagine how this fat guy could be a god of dance. They believe that Charlie's Angels and Mission Impossible are films from the last couple of years. They can never imagine life before computers. They'll never have pretended to be the A-Team, the Dukes of Hazzard, Space 1999, The Famous Five or Stig of the Dump. They can't believe a black and white television ever existed. And they will never understand how we could leave the house without a mobile phone. Now let's check if we're getting old...
1. You understand what was written above and you smile.
2. You need to sleep more, usually until the afternoon, after a night out.
3. Your friends are getting married/already married
4. You are always surprised to see small children playing comfortably with computers.
5. When you see children with mobile phones, you shake your head.
6. Having read this mail, you are thinking of forwarding it to some other friends because you think they will like it too...

Yes my friends, you're Getting old!!

Independence???? What for????

I'm pleased to see that the Portuguese Flag will fly free again in our own country, narrowly escaping the "rag heads" (Pakis, Indians and the likes!!!) in this countries attempt to cage it and make it subservient to their religious agendas.

Take a moment to remember what we fought for and why we had a Fascist Dictatorship in the first place!!

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all of the Portuguese citizens of old fought in the Colonial Wars to keep the white man safe, that they are now looked down upon by our current government because they fought for the facsist dictatorship, that among these people the government doesn´t realise that they were drafted against their will in the first place!!! Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness are words adopted from the Americans after the 1974 revolution. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed to take away our freedom and our rights to speak up.
Nowhere in the Portuguese Constitution does it say that they were doing this in order to lessen the Muslim religious unrest that may erupt in our country. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that we have to give up our God Damned right to fly our own flag in our own country. Nowhere in the Constitution does it say that they were doing this in order to lock up millions of nonviolent Portuguese citizens protesting against our flag being banned, or to give police the power of storming into and ransacking your house in the middle of the night.
Independence Day is not a celebration of military victory against Spain. It is about deciding to be free, and declaring to the world the importance of that freedom. But it's a decision that must be reaffirmed constantly, or the enemy will infiltrate and proliferate, and now that we have rid ourselves of our neighbours we have to be invaded by Muslims and Africans. They come here with a chip on their shoulder because their country is a mess and then try and do the same with our Country!!!!!!!!!! So I say to all of you! All of you rag heads! If you don´t like it here then FUCK OFF!!!!!