Yes, I just spent the last 8 hours at work. In a call center. Should the opportunity ever arise for you to go sit in a call center, don't!
Let me clue you in. Call center workers are anal-retentive fucks. Well, most of them. The rest of them, me included, have coping mechanisms that basically involve us screwing everyone or pissing everyone around us off. Usually both.
SO today I am trying to work. There is a ginormous sign on the wall that says "No eating, no smoking, no mobiles, vibrators, sex of any form,, either on the desks under them or in the toilets. No IV drips, biscuits, coffee, Vodka or cock fights anywhere in the call center. Offenders will be removed, beaten with bagpipes and told not to do it again etc, etc. Really scary shit. I am high on adderall, (I am rotating between adderall and ritalin for work. ON the plus side, I am still off the valium, xanax, and alcohol. Someday I will look back on sentences like that one and wonder when I became a junkie and a pillhead and when I actually acknowledged it. (But Not yet.)
So I am trying to wrap my mind around the acceleration clause exception to the rule of bank holiday cut offs and this girl walks past. A new breed of worker, those new girls full of enthusiasm for their work until they realise that what we do is shit, who we talk to everyday are shits and those that pay our wages (If you want to call them wages, even though slave labour has been abolished many years ago they have ingeniously found a way to pay someone minimum wage and still call it work) are shit bag assholes!! She walks past, swaying her hips and driving me crazy. She has no idea who I am but I´m sure that she senses that I want to bang her until she bleeds through her nose!!! ANYWAY!!!!!!! Everyone in the room (all the males at least) Huff as she walks past. (At least I think they do or I´m hearing my inner child/alter ego talking again) It was the main noise for most of the morning. A hundred voices, huffing in this pent up sexual frustration, burning inside.
We are all high on work drugs, crabby, and on a deadline. This woman drives me up the wall everytime I take a wiff of her scent. I´m like a dog, NAY!!! A wolf on heat and I can feel this fire burning from within my boxers. People watch me as I stare and say the usual.... "Her father is worried about her now ! Or... Dude! You like a ravid dog." Shut the fuck up!!!! What the hell do you know!!! I need to bang that bird before my scrotam explodes!!!!!!!!!!
I turn to her, smile politely, "Wanna breed?"
"EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?" she asks.
I pointed to the fire exit.
"IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT!" she yawps.
I stand up. I´m not that tall but I stand a good 6 inches above her. "You and me, outside in the alley, go at it like rabbits????"
She got up and ran outside. She returns with a security guard. I am back to anticipatory repudiation.
"HIM!" she squawks. "HE TRIED TO SEXUALLY ABUSE ME!"
Point of information - a security guard at a call center has little to no power, KNOWS that everyone looks down on him, and TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ANY CHANCE TO WEILD HIS SECURITY BADGE.
"I did not sexually abuse her. I just tried to convince her to go outside with me."
He hitches up his trousers. "I think we have a problem here."
No shit, sherlock. It is statements like that that are the reason I am on THIS side of that uniform and you are on THAT side.
"Go and smoke your fiftieth cigarette. Take the moaning bitch with you so she can shout sexual abuse at someone else.
Silence. The security guard tries to stare me down. THAT's not gonna happen. Woman informs me she is going to "report me". I have no idea what that means. I may get sent to my supervisor for a good spanking. Is spanking still legal? Security guard, also shorter than me, hisses that if he has to come back, he is going to forcefully remove me. HA!!!!
I still have no idea who else I can annoy this week, my adderall is wearing off and my head hurts.
But yes, I am still winning friends and influencing people and spreading joy wherever I go.
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