Have any of you put a hot muzzle up under some idiots chin, heard the skin sizzle, then smelt it and then thought 'I should sure go for some bacon...'

Homeless woman part 2
Went out walking with my niece when I saw the homeless woman that gives me grief every time I see her! 'Hey!' I thought. 'I have a cunning plan...' Half an hour later, I was still beating the crap out of the her, with my nieces Winnie the Pooh teddy bear. Hey, she wanted it, I didn't want her to have it, but she upped the ante with her uncomprehensive jibberish!! My niece was sucking her thumb, wondering in her 6 month old mind what her uncle was doing. I had been thudding Pooh bear, nose first, into the crazy bitchs matted hair, slamming it close as Pooh continued to scream... ' Pooh wants a hug...' and 'Watch me walk'. Yeah bitch hug Pooh!!! Every time Pooh bounced painfully off her head, it startled my niece, to my continued amusement. After a while the savage bitch wanted to swipe my toy and everytime she managed to grab it she would hand it to my niece like she had misplaced it!!!!! This is fun!!
So, there I am, cheerfully whapping the snot out of another homeless person with a teddy bear, my niece hugging me and laughing while the homeless tree hugger screamed like banshee (Still seated and reading her book) and my sister steps in and takes Pooh bear from me, and ruins everything.
Party Pooper!!!!!
"Wars have never hurt anybody except the people who die..." Salvador Dali.

Chat rooms

Why some people shouldn't really go to chat rooms. Probably the funniest exert recording, laughed so much I hurt myself!!!!
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
loodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and begin to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tongue brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tongue your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tongue up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot caramel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Joke of the day

Joke sent in by Piero 'the saint' ..............................................A blonde girls calls her boyfriend in tears. Absolutely beside herself. "whats wrong?" asks the concerned boyfriend "I cant do this damn jigsaw puzzle. I have tried and tried but I can t get it to look like the picture on the box!" "what is the picture of?" asks the boyfriend "A tiger" sobs the girl "ok I will have a look later" said the sympathetic boyfriend. At home the girlfriend has become so frustrated she threw all the peices on the floor. With that, the boyfriend comes home to a bit of a mess. He calls to her and she goes to the mess in the kitchen. He holds up the box and asks "Is this the picture sweetheart?" "Yes " she sobs The boyfriend took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "I love you very much sweetheart. Now lets put the Frosties back in the box........!"
"Courage is being scared to death - but still saddling up anyway!" John Wayne.

Sniper alley

Got all stressed when I got up here earlier and thought I would have calmed down by now, but I haven't!!! Couldn't stop thinking about the smelly peasant. So I went out again to try and find her. Life's too cool!! She was standing by her "favourite" tree smoking a cigarette she had aquired from the ground, standing there under the moonlight, with an extra mud stained jumper on, speaking to herself. Most people ignore her, but other encourage her ravings, as the "mad woman", as many have named her, continued to read a book of the Princess' Bride. "Princess Buttercup" , she called herself as I approached, gazed over at me crossing her arms. She starting gobbling some incoherent mock language at me, made up nonsense syllables that actually did sound a bit like a foreign heathen tongue. Amazing for a homeless nutter!!!
Well, having just got back from a verbal abuse earlier, I wanted revenge. I walked closer and she continued to talk crap at me, her arms still crossed over her chest, looking very grim, and boldly announced to me that she was "Princess Buttercup!" I turned my hand into a gun and announced that I was "A sniper!" and then I shot her and she turned and fell down onto the ground in a heap!!! Mad, crazy bitch!!! I thought to myself... My sister screamed at me from the apartment window to "stop picking on the poor helpless woman," as she called her. Not so helpless a couple of hours ago, was she????? Anyway, my attention turned back to Princess Buttercup, who had recovered from her imaginary bullet wound. She stared at me, I stared at her down my imaginary scope and fired..... I shot her again and she spun round on her left heel, collapsing once again on the floor. My sister stared at me in disgust as she appeared from nowhere and ran to help the "poor helpless woman."
"What do you call this?" she pointed down at her, refusing to touch any part of her blackened clothes. "Good shooting!" I smiled, turning my back and returning home...

Confused Anarchy?????

I got into an arguement today with some pussy footed, left wind, Commie sucking, anarchist type, long haired, tree hugging fuck wit!!! Yes, yes, I know... They say that swearing alot means that you have a small vocabulary!!! Well I say to you... I know my fair share of words and I still prefer: Fuck Off. Right back to business. So this woman (If you even care to call her a woman!!) called me a Nazi!!! Me?? A Nazi?? Well, paint me black and call me a badger. Just because I said I supported a few political views from the right wing members of the community doesn't make me a Nazi. She started preaching the greatness of Carl Marx and Lenin when half of the coffee shop was filled with skin heads!! What a night! She starts pointing out every Communist ideal, trying to convince me to turn to the hammer and sickle!! ME!!! Well after ten minutes of verbal diarreah from this two bit tuna smelling, number one friend of the earth and Stalin love child, I had to walk away.... But would she leave it alone?? Nah!! With her unwashed hair flowing in the wind in clumps, scratching her crotch through her jeans (which wasn't a pleasant sight) she continues her bombardment on me and how she still keeps her love letter sent to her by Che Guavara. Well another ten minutes of quite a viloent verbal exchange, she backs down and returns to her house, outside in an old, piss stained cardboard box under the tree.......... Hoorah for Communism!!!!

Email 4

Four very funny emails sent in by Pierro 'the Saint, Santos.... Cheers buddy........ Happy Burthday, for Tuesday, by the way!!!!

...................SOME OF LIFE'S IMPORTANT QUESTIONS :............
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

"War is not nice." Barbara Bush.

Email 3

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. , , The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the ,world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "Trust me,, it will do the job" said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle and parts of Wales.

Email 2

Dunno how many of you shop at Sainsbury’s Supermarkets, but this may be useful to know. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a store while shopping the other day…This happened at the Sainsbury’s by me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two good looking 18 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Sainsbury’s store. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful…...............................
"Fear is victories fuel.." Albert Speer.

Email 1

Four very funny emails sent in by Pierro 'The Saint, Santos'....................................................

IF MOVIES TEACH US ANYTHING...............................1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing StPatrick's Day parade - at any time of the year..........................2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her..............................3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.............................4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving............................5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty......................6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do....................7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris...................8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds......................9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.................10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.....................11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.......................12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames........................13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of afootball stadium.........................14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth............................15. All single women have a cat.............................16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.......................17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one........................18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.........................19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.........................20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor............................21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person youare speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.........................22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish........................23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them..............................24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other..............................25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape..........................26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday...........................27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions -can be played without moving the fingers...........................28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off............................29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.........................30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty...............................31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -------------------- "War is one of the scourges with which it has pleased God to afflict men." Cardinal Richelieu

Rant about rants...(in response to an anonymous email I received)

You know what? Some people are mean. Some people derive pleasure from making others uncomfortable or pointing out so-called flaws. Boo fucking hoo!!!! That's life. Life's tough, wear a bloody helmet!!! You know, people annoy me, specially the homeless, they stink!!! Also, people who try to be funny by taking the piss out of you and then can't handle the pressure when you fight back!!! You need to be able to deal with the people who upset you the most. Be it through humor, fighting back, or simply ignoring them. Personally, I have a sharp enough tongue and a mind to match, so I find it more satisfying to engage and fight back. Ultimately, it's waste of time and I acknowledge that. But I don't believe it's a waste of energy. Some of my funniest rants and creative writing have been brought forth or coaxed out in response to some dumbass making false statements or just being an idiot. If you do let them get to you, it's because you enjoy being the victim!!! So don't come crying when I shout abuse back at you, be a man and take it on the chin!!! Simple.
............................ "Sometimes they'll give a war and nobody will come..." - Carl Sandburg.

Old interview, old rant

Hey, lets talk about me!!!!So i went for an interview on monday.> They didn't care that I spoke flawless English, only that the next person will speak it ok or badly butthey have a degree in it!!! AHHHHHH bloody country!! So I rang up and they said the interviews start at 2pm. Not YOUR interview starts at 2 but they do!!! Ok I thought, strange way of doing things but I guess their not expecting a lot of people. WRONG!!!!!!! I turned up at 1.30pm and their was about two hundred people in the queue. So I'm there, waiting an hour, then have to present my I.D. card, my military completion card, my social security card, my doctors examination card and two photos. (Fine I carry them with me just in case I get called up to fight a war or have to go to the doctors to have an exam to see a doctor!! 'Cos thats how they work here!!) Get this, the other day I had decided that I wanted to go for a swim at my local swimming pool, they said I couldn't join till I had seen the doctor for an examination!!! WHAT????? I'm only going to swim not start underwater surgery!!!! JESUS these Foreigners!!! Anyway back to the interview. So I'm in line at 4.15 they send me to a queue to see their doctor. Ok I though had the swimming pool insidend dont think that I have to, but no, they want their doctor. So he takes my bloodpressure checks my pulse and start wearing a rubber glove and asking me to go behind the curtain. AHHHH NO THANKS. So i'm out of the door and into the next queue before you can say RECTUM!!! 5.30 I finally see the man to interview me only for him to say 'We only need 4 people for this job!!! FOUR I SHOUTED IN MY HEAD, BUT THERE'S THE ENTIRE POPULATION ON LITCHENSTEIN OUTSIDE Then he says 'Oh I got your cv and email last week I should have phoned you to say don't bother coming today but I forgot' FORGOT????? FORGOT!!!!!!! So after i had calmed down and the other person in the office managed to scrape his collegues body parts off the ceiling I had to join another queue to get my I.D. card etc back having to sign two tons of release forms to say its me! HEHEHEHEHE I laughed manically like a man possesed by the devil. Fooled you into thinking I amwho I am, even though my photo, finger print, blood type, family history and everything else you can cram into an I.d card says its me.. But By this time it was 6.30 pm and I was on the way to burning the entire city and watch whilst toasting marshmellows!!! So that was my day yesterday. 5 hours to have an interview for him to say.'you needn't have come'. ahhhhhh! Welcome to Latin Europe!!! -" War does not determine who is right, only who is left..." Bertrand Russel

Interview rant

INTERVIEWS!!!!!!!!!!!! One of the banes of my life are interviews in Latin Europe. Its coming across a spate of ungracious, inconsiderate interviewers. Any of you that live in Portugal, Spain and Italy, know what I mean!! That said, however, I certainly wouldn't paint the entire world with the paintbrush they seem to be working with. Different organizations have different needs, and different ways of recognizing just what it is that they need. I understand that, it's just the way they do things..... I can assure you that most firms I know of in England, wouldn't treat prospective employees like that - the demand for talent is still incredibly high, and rude treatment of qualified people is very counterproductive. If you still run into 'we've already made an offer but if we have another opening we'll contact you,' be aware that the need to staff things can change directions in a second - reqs can be created overnight, existing people can get sick or give notice that they're leaving and thus need replacing, projects can get canceled or accelerated, etc. And at most companies where I've been, an employee's relative happiness with the job is a very important consideration, so once the commitment is made, there's a strong effort to keep the new hire happy. But not here... Not in Latin Europe!!! Oh, no!!! Even though these countries play the Democratic free state card, secretly they still run the 'Old Order of Fascist Europe' from under the desk!!!. Now don't get me wrong, I'm with the whole 'National Identity' set up, but why, oh why don't they modernise their ways with the progress that their people demand!! You can't keep demanding people with experience if you wont allow them to start experiencing!!!!!

Thoughts of the day...

Sometimes I get bored and I think about things way too much. For
example: Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll > squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever
comes out?" Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's ass."
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time,
but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom
is? Can blind people see their dreams? If Wile E. Coyote from
the Road Runner had enough money to buy all that ACME crap,
why didn't he just buy dinner?...Or hire a hitman?? If corn oil is
made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then
what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons,
does morality come from morons? Did you ever notice that when
you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take
him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

Chicken!!!

OK, OK, one more!!!! Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (True story)Scientists at Roll Royce built a gun specifically tolaunch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,and military jets , all travelling at maximum velocity.The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents ofcollisions with airborne fowl to test the strength ofthe windshields.American engineers heard about the gun and were eagerto test it on the windshields of their new high-speedtrains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent tothe American engineers.When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked asthe chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the backwall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs ofthe windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. This went on for months until a Rolls Royce representative went to the States to find out why this was happening.. A few days after making his report and returning to England, he sent a one line memo to American Airline engineers:"Defrost the chicken."

knackered!!!!

Too tired, broken, battered and bruised to tell you lot what happened today! We won, but just marginally. Will tell you all about it in the morning, or afternoon. Maybe after the football!!!!! laters

Forgot To Mention The War!!!!

So I'm meeting up with a few friends to do some more reenactment battles tomorrow. Our pals at the historical society are always staging private battles with the idea that over fifty people wielding swords and spears at each other, will actually prepare them for official battles for the public!!!!! Anyway, last time I came home after a weekend battle with a severe headache after being slammed across the head with what my friend described as 'The Battle Hammer of Thor!!!!!!' This sledgehammer wrapped in leather, 'to give it a medievil feel,' almost cracked open my head! So, a week later, what do I do???? Promise I'll be there this week..... hehehehehehe!!! This is what happened last week: January 14th: Lusitanian forces today defeated Spanish marauders in a spectacular battle that lasted three hours. This victory comes as a relief to the Portuguese Crown which had come under heavy criticism for losing the battle for Almeida to the Spanish in a previous week. The forces of the Portuguese boy King were commanded by General Joao 'the light' Pires, who had been called back from a self imposed exile with the express purpose of dealing with the marauding Spaniards. The Spanish commander, General Ricardo 'fish' Beto was slain in the last stages of the battle and his unit routed. In the general panic that followed the Spanish army fled to the countryside, thereby forsaking the town. Reports say that the Spanish were aided by strong detachment of French knights led by General Carlos 'the rat' Santos rumored to be a fellow of the so called 'School of Military Tactics'. However General Pires proved himself the better of the two, and procured a victory despite the strong adverse effects caused by the rampaging Knights.
A celebration has been ordered in Lisbon following the victory at Viseu. General Pires has left for Lisbon to visit a prominent blacksmith(or his daughter?!) with the express desire to aquire more leather sledghammers for the next battle!!!! The depleted Spanish forces will hence forth be commanded by General Quim, son of the deceased General Beto, who now rages with desire to defeat the defending Portuguese and gain his side an extra ten points....... I will keep you lot updated with what happens tomorrow!!! laters

Cable, cable, cable rant!!

Jesus!!! What is it with cable companies???? Had it installed this morning, so that I could watch English speaking channels, for a change and still nothing!! Three Engineers have turned up with promises that the cable will start all 50 channels soon and still shite all!!!!!! SO while I'm here ranting about TVCABO and their shite customer services, I'm still on the phone to them listening to a crap recording of the love boat theme tune. Hope they all burn in Hell and get me a reception!!!!!!!!

Wife Leaves Joke

"If I had a choice between this place and Hell, I'd rent out this place and live in Hell.."
Dear Husband:I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good.
I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything.
Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.
P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your EX-Wife
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you've been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn't work. I did noticewhen you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was "You look just like a MAN!" My mother raised me to not say anything if you can't say anything nice. When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BROTHER, because Istopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won't get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that's not a problem................................................Sent in by Bete.

Another Friday

Morning! (To all those in Europe.) Friday morn' and I'm nackered. Have to make a serious decision whether to have a Mackie D's breakfast of BurgerKing.. Mmmmmmm, such is my life at the mo'. Sitting around until the car is fixed has become tedious. Even my Xbox is playing up and I can't find the bloody receipt!!! Never mind eh??? I'll contend myself watching Shakira on MTV for the rest of the day...

Pics of the day

These are my four favourite pics of the day. Specially Crapo park, would really love to see what makes it so appealing......Hope you enjoy them. It's getting late and I'm signing out....... Laters

The poor human race!!

Found these condoms in a supermarket, just had to laugh and take a picture...
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide:
1. On Sears hairdryer:
"Do not use while sleeping."
(But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair)

2. On a bar of Dial soap:
"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(And that would be how. . . ?)

3. On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestions: Defrost."
(But it's "just" a suggestion)

4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box):
"Do not turn upside down."
(Oops, too late!)

5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(Hmm . . . .)

6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(But wouldn't this save even more time?)

7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this
medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those
forklifts.)

8. On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(One would hope)

9. On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(As opposed to underwater?)

10. On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(I gotta admit, I'm curious.)

11. On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: Contains nuts."
(NEWS FLASH)

12. On a child's Superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.)

13. On a Swedish chain saw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands."
(Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!)

14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid:
"Do not use on food."
(Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive!

15. On a hairdyer in the Travelodge hotel in Florida.
Do not use in the shower.
(Who is this for?? I think it's time to trim the herd....)

Cat and me

Above is a picture of me and my niece. She looks really sweet and innocence, but she is in fact the Destroyer of Worlds, the Bringer of Chaos and the Early riser of Evil....... Only joking Cat, love you loads, Uncle Ra Ra

SECURITY ALERT!!!!!

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings, the security level has just been raised from 'miffed' to 'peeved'. Soon though, the levels may have to be raised yet again to 'irritated' or even 'a bit cross'. Londoners have not been 'a bit cross' since the blitz in 1940 when the Germans bombed the tea houses and supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from 'tiresome' to 'a bloody nuisance', the last time 'a bloody nuisance' warning level was issued was during the great fire of London in 1666. Be aware that the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from RUN to HIDE. The only two higher levels in France are SURRENDER and COLLABORATE. The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing their military capability. It's not only the French that are on a heightened level of alert, the Italians have increased their alert level from 'shout loudly and excitedly' to "elaborate military posturing" . Two more levels remain, "ineffective combat operations" and "change sides". The Germans also increased their alert state from "disdainful arrogance" to "dress in uniform and sing marching songs". They have two higher levels, "invade a neighbour" and "lose". Seeing this reaction in continental Europe the Americans have gone from "isolationism" to "find another oil-rich nation in the middle east ripe for regime change". Their remaining higher alert states are "attack the world" and "beg the British for help". Finally here in GB we've now gone from "pretend nothing's happening" to "make another cup of tea". Our higher levels are "remain resolutely cheerful" and "win". Sent in by Stu.

I don't believe in ghosts, but...

Don’t get me wrong; I’m the biggest horror fan in the world. Nothing I like better than a good scary movie on a dark, rainy night. But that doesn’t mean I believe they are all real. What I don’t understand is how many people claim to believe in God and also believe in ghosts. It’s kind of contradictory, don’t you think? Often you will hear people, (so-called experts or psychics) saying ghosts are the victims of violent crimes or that they have unfinished business. Some also claim that ghosts just don’t know that they’re dead. Now here’s the contradiction for you folks who believe in God: Are you saying that God is kind of arbitrary about when your soul goes to heaven or hell? I guess he just decided that it’s ok for the soul to wander the earth as long as it’s a victim or doesn’t know that it’s dead, right? If so, God’s a hell of a lot more flexible than anything I read in the Old Testament. aybe he’d let me hang around and be a ghost if I have unfinished business. I’ve been meaning to start exercising and get back in shape. Is that unfinished enough or would it have to be more along the lines of unreturned library books?If ghosts really do exist, I think I would have seen one by now. Think how many billions of people have walked this planet. Don’t you think ghosts would be everywhere? I would think it would be damn near impossible to avoid them. And why is it always a place that ghosts haunt? It’s always a house or a boat or something. If I was a ghost, I’d be haunting J.Lo's underwear, to hell with creaky old houses. I was talking with a friend the other day and most of this writing is a direct result of that conversation. I even told him the part about how I had never seen one and thought they would be everywhere if they existed at all. He didn’t miss a beat: “Maybe they don’t like you. Maybe ghosts think you’re an asshole and they are avoiding you.” Did I mention that he was a friend?And yes, I know there are some fundamentalist groups out there that don’t believe in ghosts. You have to give them credit for being consistent anyway. Of course, most of them are insane… Maybe being consistent isn’t the most important thing after all.

Karaoke

On Monday night I went to a birthday party for a female friend (actually, two female friends) at a karaoke bar. That means tons of drunk girls with full access to a very loud microphone. Yikes.Now I’m not one to throw stones and come down on karaoke. Last August, I gave arguably the greatest performance of my entire career, actually threatening the structure of the whole place because I received such thunderous applause. (Then again I was very, very drunk!!!)It was, and always will be, the greatest moment of my life. So before we continue, know that I like karaoke. However, on this particular night, I wasn’t “feeling it.” As they say in the musical industry!!! I was suffering some several gastrointestinal distress (thank you Pizza Hut) so I couldn’t get drunk enough to let my inhibitions fly and sing my enlarged heart out. But the good news is that I was able to sit on the sidelines and ponder. When I wasn’t thinking about the gargantuan breasts of the bartender and waitress (seriously, they were SPECTACULAR – and you know I’m not fucking around when I use capital letters like that), I took notice of all the people singing karaoke, dividing them into the ten main types of karaoke-ers below. The group of screaming girls MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!! (As Stu would say.) By far, the most abundant source of noise, I mean, singing, at the karaoke bar. The group can consist of anywhere from two to ten girls standing on stage, screaming like a gang of deaf mutes to a girl power song (number one example: “I Will Survive”). Those girls that didn’t have the balls to get on stage to sing will stand in front of the stage and root on their friends wailing their hearts out. Just a messy, messy scene. If I weren’t so lonely, I’d say that I couldn’t date a girl who partakes in this, but times are tough and I'm not that desperate... The black guy who can really sing Every karaoke bar has one. He’ll get on stage and do a random D’Angelo, R. Kelly or Gerald Levert song just go OFF, singing every note perfectly, getting way too into him, and doing every noise, squeal, and extended “Oh yeah” and “Yeah baby” that his hero sings. But however good his singing voice, he is looked down upon by the audience. His intense effort, seriousness, and high pitched “Oh yeaahh, yeah-yeah-yeah, you know I’m gon’ love you right, girl” turns the audience off. Instead of getting compliments like, “Man, you sound exactly like R. Kelly!” he hears, “Man, you need a hobby or some shit” and countless pop Idol jokes. Poor guy. The fat chick who can really sing The fat chick who can really sing is closely related to the black guy who can really sing, with one main difference: he’s black and she’s fat. But another example of someone getting on stage and going for at all, leaving the audience feeling more saddened than awed. The unattractive girl who after she sings is much hotter.One time, many years ago, I was at a karaoke bar by the beach and this chick got up on stage. She was somewhere between not good looking to average, but didn’t have any major physical deformities (giant head, one arm, moustache, tail, etc). Anyway, she got up there and did a near-perfect Janis Joplin impression to “Piece Of My Heart” and every single guy in the bar was in love with her from the first note. It was an incredible transformation from meek average girl to sexual angel of sin and lust (or something). She didn’t have the scratchy voice like Joplin, but she nailed it. I remember my friends and I got quiet when she started singing and when she was finished, my friend Joe broke the silence saying, “Well, that was just about the hottest thing I’ve ever seen.” I didn’t see her on this particular Saturday night, but I know she exists. Keep an eye out for her. In fact, you might want to hit on OK-looking girls at the karaoke bar hoping that they get on stage and do something hot. That’s called buying low and selling high. The random Asian/Southeast Asian guy who lives for the stage A karaoke bar staple. This is arguably my favorite character at the karaoke bar and this guy was in full effect on Saturday night. Up to the stage went a conservative looking bespectacled Asian guy in a red puffer jacket with the sleeves rolled up, and he proceeded to bring the house down with an impassioned performance of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing”. When it was over, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. Just tremendous in every way. The clown This would be the category that I fit into, I think. The guy who gets up there to do something funny, like dedicate a song to a girl or sing something retarded (i.e. Tina Turner’s “Private Dancer” or The Scorpion’s “Winds of Change”). Of course, this has varying degrees of success and can either be an enjoyable experience or leave the singer and audience feeling awkward and ashamed. With me, it’s mostly the latter. Damn it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The group of idiots/twats/boyband wannabees/meatheads who sing a popular song These guys will get on stage to show off their new striped shirts (which of course are opened to reveal their pumped pecs and wife beaters), their awesomely gelled hair, and their muscles and sing something dumb like “Hit Me One More Time” or another corny pop song. Of course, the performance stinks and anyone with an IQ over a cabbage and a moderate amount of self-esteem either shakes their head in disgusts or laughs at these guys, but what amazes/saddens me is how many dumb (yet super hot) girls go nuts for this stuff. I mean, it is a rule that really hot girls have to be dumb and go for dumb guys? Did I miss this somewhere along the line? If I were a dumb hot chick, I’d think that maybe I’d think to myself, “I’m hot, but very dumb. And being dumb sucks. So since I can have any guy I want, I’m going to go with a smart guy, a guy who knows that ‘longitude’ is not a way to brag about the length of one’s penis. This way, maybe my kids will be smart and won’t have all the problems I faced in my dumb life.” But I guess that never happens and if I ever want to fulfill my dream of making it with a hoop-earring wearing, busty and tan hot mama, I’m gonna have to hit the gym,salon, and Banana Republic. Crap. The drunk guy who has potential but then it gets sad This is my other favorite character. This is the blitzed guy who gets up on stage to the cheers of his friends,who are expecting a Budwiser, alcohol-fueled performance. The drunk guy who has potential but then it gets sad will soak in the cheers, waving to his buddies as he slowly rocks back and forth on stage, drunk off his ass. Now is his time. Then the song will start, and it’s all downhill from there. He’ll mumble through the most of the song and forget the rest, not realizing that the words appear right on the screen in front of him. His friends, who had been cheering, will look at him in disgust and start heckling him as he struggles through “Billy Jean” in a monotone voice. Most of the time, disappointed with his performance, he’ll simply walk off the stage mid-song. And everyone is sad. Except me of course, who is standing by the bar laughing and looking at the bartender’s cleavage, wondering why I woke up in a dry docked fishing boat that morning. But that’s just me. The guy/girl who gets way too into it This guy (or girl) can take my different forms. Perhaps, like two examples above, they can really sing and gets very emotional and into the song. Or perhaps, they can’t sing but still gets into the song anyway, because they think they sound exactly like Robert Plant. Or perhaps even the guy who is so wrapped up in the majesty that is “Closer to the Heart”, he starts dancing around and doing the air guitar. Any way you cut it, he needs to relax, come down of the stage, and sit the next few plays out. There’s a little bit of this in every karaoke performer and that’s ok, but when you rejoin your friends at the table and they say, “Dude, what the fuck was that?”, you’re doing something wrong. The professional This guy/girl is the perfect combination. He/she knows his/her voice and range, has good stage presence, has his/her timing down, and delivers a smooth performance. Rare is the person who can make everyone at the karaoke place happy, but this guy/girl can do it. “Magic” is the only word that comes to mind.

Decaf???

An old friend turned up not long ago and asked for one of my pet peeves. DECAF COFFEE!!!!! I don’t mind making it but it really pisses me off how people believe in it. He asked for it with a declarations of: “I want decaf double espresso and if it isn’t decaf I'll be knocking on your door at three in the morning!” (Did I mention he was a mate???) This is so wrong on so many levels…1. Even decaf coffee has some caffeine so if you are sensitive you are going to be up. Also all that sugar brutalizing your pancreas consumed via beer and shots all night, can hit your system like crystal meth. Alcohol will fuck up your REM sleep. 2. Trust me. When you ask for decaf then thats what your going to get. Telling me that your going to call me when I'm trying to get some sleep is a good way to get piss in your cup."Double decaf espresso? What the fuck is that about? Shut the fuck up! If you’re up don’t blame me, Asshole!!!"

Pro-War Rant

You might want to sit down and put your coffee down before you read this. I was emailed this today by a friend (thanks Joe.) and I laughed so much that I hurt myself. I'm not sure where it came from, originally or who it should be credited with writing it.

Hey Man, There Could Be Seventy VirginsUnder My FingernailorA California Boy's Pro-War Rant.

Hey you Al Quaeda dudes, driving those 747s through the skyscrapers was way unmellow, and we're generating a lot of negative energy about it right now, so we've decided to take our bad vibes out on you. You guys think Bush or,Cheney is scary? Our decisions on how much force to apply are made by a sixties burn-out who wanders along Haight street muttering about flying saucers and telling anyone he meets that "The end is near."Along with our allies in the other forty nine states, we're gonna pay you a visit soon, and our spiritually pure, tofu fed special forces, who practice a really vile brand of war yoga and are capable of surviving for days on spirulina alone, will be in your countries performing spiritual sabatoge before you know it.Not only that, but we intend to use our air power against you - not to mention the forces of earth, fire and water. Our massive airforce - massive compared to your miniscule collection of grody old bargain basement Russian crap anyway - is gonna kick your sorry asses. Dude, shopping with Ivan is so fifteen minutes ago. Why do you even bother?Our crystal guided smart weaponry, mainly 2000 pound "bonker busters" will tear your sorry buildings apart. Most are loaded with 1000 pounds of high explosive, 800 pounds of amethyst shards, and 200 pounds of Holy Demeter's Herbal Seed Mix. They can simultaneously blow apart a mosque, use fragmentation weaponry against your holy warriors, purify the sacred ground of Mother Earth after she's been polluted by your patriarchal hate factory, and plant a pretty garden.We estimate that a bunch of aging hippies carrying the rifles they use for discouraging DEA agents will be able to crush your pathetic armies within minutes. However, if you surrender, they'll happily get you high, and maybe even feed you.Sometime within the next couple weeks you're going to wake up and discover that all the mosques, martyrs, and mullahs, not to mention your totally loser, so called war machine, has been blown to bits. The air, usually filled with the smell of anti-woman violence, will instead be filled with the intermingled scents of cordite, lavendare, and mugwort.Once we're on the ground we'll unleash our psy-war shock troops. We'll replace your mosques with Hard Rock Cafes and Houses of Blues, then we'll let our women talk to your women. They'll bring your gals up to date on birth control, thegoddess, and why lesbianism is better than living with a psychopathic patriarchal sleazebag. They'll also demonstrate that a string bikini does a much better job of attracting a mate than a chador. If necessary, they'll offer advanced classes on why carrying tasers or mace can be effective against repressive masculine forces.Meanwhile, we'll be filling your hookahs with some special leaves we've been growing in the foothills near Santa Cruz and spending the next six months talking to you about peace, love, freedom, and female equality. We'll pour some stuff made by a radical chemist from Berkely into your water supply and guys, you just, plain don't wanna know what's going into your tea.We'll bring in a bunch of blond, well tanned surfer dudes to take your daughters out for pina colladas, sushi and hot tubbing, then we'll invite you all to a big concert. Riyadh is gonna be party city. Dude!!Finally, our people will call your people, and we'll have lunch. (Just in case you don't know, that's High Californian for fuck off!!)In the end, you'll fear the Happy Face far more than you fear the B-52.

Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas?

I just wanted a video game, not eternal damnation in hell!!!!!!!
So I was sitting around the other day, playing "Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas," on my PC, when suddenly I received an email with an attachment. "Hot Coffee Mod?" I thought to myself. "What is that all about?" I was curious so I did what I always do when I get programs from strangers on my PC: I ran it. Then I went back to playing the game and didn't notice anything different, except for when I took my in-game girlfriend back home, she now asks "how about a little coffee?" Naturally I got excited, because I was expecting to see a scene with the protagonist, Carl, and his girlfriend, Denise, sipping a tall cup of Extra strong, double caffeine Coffee, and discussing the finer points of globalization and how cultural distinction will shape future generations. Instead, I was shocked to learn that Denise wasn't talking about a delicious beverage made from roasted beans, collected by children on a penny a day slave labour from the Brazillian mountains. No, they were really talking about was SEXUAL INTERCOURSE. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I thought there was some mistake, this couldn't be the family-friendly carjacking game I thought I knew. Maybe Denise changed into an outfit that just happened to look like the bust of a naked woman. I watched the scene over and over again, carefully analyzing every pixel, but the conclusion was inescapable: Denise was in fact naked!!!!! Or at least had a skin colored texture applied to the surface area primitive of her character's model. The creator of the game, Rockstar Games, has stated that it will offer a downloadable patch to fix the sex issue in the PC versions, and is working on a new version of the game that will prevent this content from being unlocked in the future. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!. I'll be the first person to download and patch my PC version of "Grand Theft Auto." I want to shoot people in the face at point blank range, bang prostitutes pay them then run them over, traffic drugs and sell them at the nearest school, steal cars and terrorize police officers without this filthy smut in my game. Frankly, I'm appalled that Rockstar would allow such wholesale corruption of our youth. Years from now when Portugal has become a withered husk of the morality it once stood for, historians will look back at what triggered it all and point to one event: a boolean variable that unlocked a simulated sex scene in a video game. Rockstar sort it out!!!!!!

Old Notes

What a surprise!!! Another weekend flew by and still nothing constructive done!!! Well what do you expect, I'm enjoying the blistering sun in January. (Yo!!! to you all in good ol' England) Been thinking about England alot recently and I must say that I do miss it, but theirs no way I'm going back, or theirs no way I can go back, should I say!!! Know what I mean??? Most of you do and most of you know that I will be returning to Italy soon, to sort out some more stuff for my life. Austria and Switzerland looked good for job prospects, but Switzerland came without lodgings. mmmmmmmm!! Found a job in Holland this morning with bedroom but I know that if I decide to go there I'd only start smoking again and I've done a four month stint on cold turkey so far, so why give up now!!!! Right???? Big Stu will say: "Fuck'em!" While Aaron would say: "Fuck you!" Piero and Mike would tell me to: "carry on the good fight", whilst Errol would roll one for me!!! Don't say you wouldn't 'cos you know who you are and I know you all too well!!!! Anyway lets all pray for a decent war, instead of that crappy Gulf business that didn't even spread over into Europe!!!! Yes thats right the climate hasn't changed me!!! Laters.

Complaints poster

Rant about the cold!!!

I'm no ornithologist, but those birds are smart, they're actually fly south to WARMER climates. My ex-girlfriend was from Northern Portugal and I remember going there in winter and HOLY SHIT was it cold! And it's not like I grew up in africa or anything and wasn't used to it, I used to live in London. I rememberbeing there over Christmas and it was like minus 5 degrees during the day and my ex's mother said to me. "OOOOoo Aaaaah, it's gonna warrrrrmmm up too-deeeh. You betchya!" (Yeah right you nutter!!!!)It was around minus 15 degres the night before. Un bloody believeable!!!!!. I remember also being there and looking at the same day's temperature on the bloody moon and it was WARMER there than in Viseu. Humans were just not intended to live in such climates. Didn't help either that her mom was cheap as dirt and turned the thermostat off. Or, that I smoked and had to go outside for every friggin cigarette. The only thing that saved me was that her brother was a huge pothead and those were my younger, more reckless days. Birds are smart,I'm telling ya!!!AND THERE'S NO GODDAM DECENT BEACH THERE EITHER!! "Ooo, but we've got the cleanest river in Europe!." Try another great reasons not to live in that god forsaken place. I'm a city man and I'll never ever move to the bloody country. EVER!!!

I think therefore I am........I think??

fe•ral

Pronunciation: (fer'ul, fer'-), [key] —adj.
1. existing in a natural state, as animals; not domesticated; wild.
2. having reverted to the wild state, as from domestication: a pack of feral dogs roaming the woods.
3. of or characteristic of wild animals; ferocious; brutal; savage.

pa•ri•ah

Pronunciation: (pu-ri'u), [key] —n.
1. an outcast.
2. any person or animal that is generally despised or avoided.
3. An Untouchable.