Lol... Cheers Ben
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Friday, May 18, 2007
Careless drivers rant
Long, long ago in a land far, far away, a young boy wearing only a red baseball cap came up with the genius idea of cars. He drew up conceptual pictures, slept with corporate executive men to persuade them into investing in his dream and murdered his entire family so he could turn his own house into the first ever, automobile factory. Who was this young man of brilliance?
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.
Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.
Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.
I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.
Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.
Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.
I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Soap Opera rant
Most of Portugal, and probably the rest of the world will disagree with me here, but what are the point or purpose to soaps? The same things just happen over and over again. Woman A sleeps which Man B whilst secretly having a lesbian affair with Woman B who just happens to be Man A's wife and Man B's long lost brother who returned from the dead for the Christmas special. What do people find so interesting about the childishly over-exaggerated storylines by writers who most probably only scraped through Portuguese Literature and social studies at high school? And why oh why do they show so many of them here in Portugal? It´s bed enough we have 15 soaps to each channel, including cable then we have to watch the Brazillian ones as well!!!!
Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?
Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...
like re-runs of the A-team.
Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?
Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...
like re-runs of the A-team.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Advice rant.
This column in some weird twisted way is my advice to the world. You didn't ask for it, and I don't expect you to follow it, so bite me. But why the hell do people ask for advice when they dont want it? Ok, before I make it seem like I am sexist once again, let me explain why I am going to target girls on this. Plain and simple, 95% of the time this happens, it is done by a woman. Men are taught by society to never, ever ask for things, especially advice. Women like to make jokes about it, like men never asking for directions (OH MY GOOD GOD THATS HEEEELARIOUS!!!!!), but it is their social influence that makes a man percieved weak and therefore a sissy if he isn't in total control at all times. So when a man asks for advice, he really wants it and probably selected you for more than the fact you are the only one in the room. Women dont have to live up to this standard, and therefore what I said about guys don't apply.
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.
It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.
Thats my advice, take it or leave it!
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.
It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.
Thats my advice, take it or leave it!
Friday, May 04, 2007
Boss rant
I fucking hate my fucking job and my fucking boss. Please excuse my fucking language. I've always been an optimistic, positive person and I think it's turned me into a bitter whiner. I hate it so much that I've started whacking squirrels off trees with sign posts!!! I'm interviewing to leave, and even though I have potential offers, it will not be soon enough. Every second I spend in that shit hole makes me want to punch innocent old ladies on the street. I just hate hate HATE it. My boss is useless. I mean ABSOLUTELY USELESS! She´s rarely here all day, and when
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!
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