I'd love to help you move rant

Sure!
I'd love to help you move out of your 2 bedroom apartment.
Let me guess?
Your on the 4th floor with no elevator?
And we'll be hauling cheap disposable Ikea furniture that falls apart when your try to move it?
And is it safe to assume that when I show up, instead of neatly packed, the apartment will look like a junk yard was sodomised by a category 5 tornado?
AWESOME!
When you said: "Just helping out with the big stuff?"
Did you mean: Helping organise, pack and move every possession you've ever owned, including your massive collection of 1980s era troll keychains, none of which are packed of course, but are instead scattered around the house like bits of multicoloured pubic hair?
FANTASTIC!!
Did you keep every book you've ever read?
GREAT!!!
I love moving 100lb boxes of Dean Koontz novels from place to place just so that you can proudly display them on your bookshelf and show house guests how intellectual you are.
I asked: "How many people are coming to help?"
To which you replied "A whole bunch!"
By a "whole bunch" am I assuming you mean myself plus that flakey friend of yours which would be about as much help as an asthmatic ant with shopping?
PERFECT!!!
Whats that you say? You'll buy me a beer??? Holy slavery Batman! A 1 euro value for 11 hours work - What a deal!!!
While we are at it, do you want to attach a halter and reins to my mouth so I can pull a plough for you?
No? Do any of your family members need burying? I ask because I'm also quite talented at moving large boulders into shapes of gigantic desert pyramids.
I'm cool at picking cotton too - just let me know.
You move apartment every single year always claiming your landlord is a dick!
After so many landlords I'm beginning to suspect that they arent that bad.
you simply suck at occupying a space which belongs to someone else!!!
Youre like a Spanish conquistador but instead of bringing smallpox you bring Scandinavian furniture, property damage, cat urine and irresponsibility!!
Saturday at 10 am???
Sure... What are friends for???

How I hate cold calls and fake surveys

Ok, there is nothing new about cold calls, despite the fact we all hate them, despite the fact we are rude to the callers they still keep calling. It's a fact of life and that's that. What upsets me is the lack of inventiveness to the callers these days
for example the
"Helloooooo, we are doing a survey"
yeeess
"don't worry we are not selling anything"
uhhuh
"I just wanted to ask 2 simple questions"
ahhhhh
"As an incentive you may win a FREE gift voucher"
Ooooooo - ok then, go ahead
"Do you own your own home?"
Errrrrrrr - yes (It's a vanity thing, you have to admit it, don't you?)
"Great! Now, second question, if you could replace your kitchen, bathroom for FREE which would you pick..........?

Recognise the trap? It won't be for free and it will mean follow ups very soon. Now what do you do?
My usual one to this question has been "none of them, we have just replaced the lot".
Needless to say they pack up at that point and you don't get your FREE voucher!!

So, what are the follow ups to this type of call? Answer the question with "I would probably choose a kitchen" and you will win the "voucher" with the benefit of a follow up call at a later date starting.............
"Helloooooo, you answered a survey a while ago saying you would like to replace your kitchen and we have estimators in your area so we would like the opportunity to give you a FREE estimate for a luxury designer kitchen?"
I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost.
"Really? Oh, errrrr, so you have had an estimate?"
No, I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost and you can come and fit the kitchen on Monday please.
"Errrr, I'm a bit confused here, can you confirm the cost they gave you?"
Yes, it was FREE. The question was "if you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for FREE which would you pick" So, I'll have the FREE kitchen please, is Monday ok with you?
Oh, and while you are on the phone can I order my FREE bathroom too? Make that Tuesday please, we don't want the workmen getting in each others way.
"I think you misunderstood Sir, it's not FREE but of course you don't have to pay the full price because you won the FREE gift voucher which knocks a huge 10% off the price!!!"
Ahhhhhhhh,, ok this may be a strange question but when you do the survey why don't you say "If you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for several thousand Euros, which would you pick"
"I don't think that would work from a marketing perspective, I have a feeling most people would just say "no" or hang up"
NO?!
REALLY?! .......................click