Complaints Department

Right, that's it!! I've had with all of you lot! What the fuck do you lot think your doing clotting up my email address with complaints about my blog. FU!!! Have you nothing better to do than annoy the living hell out of me with your moaning little abusive emails???? Fuck off!! Bloody tree hugging, left wing, pussy footed do-gooders. Why don't you lot just do the world a favour and kill yourselves!!! There's no place on this planet for you lot and I have no longer the time and the pascience to deal with you any more... I mean for the Love of God!!!!! This morning I woke up with 15 emails, all complaining about how I love annoying just about everyone in the world. Well Whoopy fucking do!!!! Who cares, freedom of speach asshole!!! Get a fucking life and stop getting on my bloody back because I speak the truth!!! Shit for brains!!! Oh, oh and before I forget, I'm keeping all your email addresses at hand just in case I need to send a virus your way!!! Fuck wits!!

...and breathe...

Right, I'm back and a little more relaxed after a strong black coffee and my first cigarrette in almost 7 months... So what was I on about, oh yeah complaints... I have just opened a complaints department email address for all of you long haired hippy poofters who do not enjoy a slice of my world and I will be deleting my email address from this blog. Direct all of your wank stained complaints to: comp.dept@hotmail.com and yes it is my email so stop emailing me on my old address. (Unless your a mate, in which case I'll be keeping it open.)

"Bring me War and I'll deliver you the World...)

Ahhh Women!!!

Have you ever been driving around and you ask your woman to do something trivial and suddenly it turns into a civil rights movement?
Why is everything a power struggle with women? I was driving around with my friend and his girlfriend the other day when he simply asked her to make a left turn, then she suddenly flipped out and started bitching about being controlled and oppessed. Good job moron, I'm sure dyke feminists everywhere are creaming their pants because of your political crusade against oppression, (Oh, we can't call them dykes or lesbians anymore, they're women in confortable shoes!!) but there are certain times when taking a stand to prove your stupid point is inappropriate. Like when you're going to MISS THE TURN and make us late, you stupid dumb bitch!!!!!!!

I saw some chick driving around with her fat friends the other day with one of those "BITCH ON BOARD" stickers on her bumper. There were three of them in the car, and one guy who was obviously married to the girl in the back seat (you could tell that he was married because he had a cold, lifeless stare and was trying to avoid all conversation and eye contact with her). The chicks in the car had the most obnoxious laugh I've ever heard: a loud, ear piercing, shrieking cackle, like they're laughing so hard that they can barely breathe, you could hear all the air being sucked out of the vehicle with each spattering of giggles.
What's so funny? I heard the big mouthed bitch at the wheel telling another joke that wasn't funny, and sure enough, it was followed up with more cackling, which made my whole body shudder. Listen, this is a plea to all men: I know it's macho to have a girlfriend and everything, but please, if your girlfriend has an obnoxious laugh and a giant mouth, consider masturbation. Seriously, you're embarassing yourself. There's no shame in masturbation, unless you get caught!!!!

Sorry for...

Ok, I was in a really bad mood last night, then threw in a few barleys, and well you see the result. Sorry about that, and I didn't mean to ruffle so many feathers...i'll try to keep my opionions to myself in the future!!! Didn't really know how much of an effect my blog has done to so many people. Woke up this morning with 8 emails moaning about my 'Heartbreak' rant, so apologies are due so here goes:

I'm sorry I offended women.
I'm sorry I offended your feelings and that I agree that not all women are sluts and cheap hookers.
I'm sorry to all those thousands and thousands of people affected by the systematic removal of aboriginal children from their homes, their sacred lands and their families.
I'm sorry that I called all women mentally challenged, I'm sure your not all psycologically scarred.
To all you blokes that emailed me about the 'heartbreak' rant I have one thing to say to you.... Stop being so fucking gay!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the centuries of oppression my people inflicted on Africans, Asians, South Americans and our next door neighbours, the Spaniards...
I'm sorry if you are offended from any of the material in my blog, but as a good friend would say..... Get fucked!!!!
I'm sorry I said that all women would run to you when cash is flashed, but hey it's all about the money.
I'm sorry my people mixed the black and white race in Brazil creating a half cast nation... 'OOOOH I'll be getting emails for that one!!!'
Sorry for that last one...
I'm sorry, but not all women are thieving one week a month nutters.
And blokes are not all liers... (If I told you I lie, would I be telling the truth?)
Anyway for my last rant and for this one, if I offended anyone in anyway then I truly apologise............. hehe!!!

Heartbreaks

I am sick and tired of hearing another sob story from my friends about how horrible life is after they have split up with their partner. Well whoopy shit!!! We've all been there, had to split up or do the splitting and had to feel the pain!!!! But I guarantee you that it gets easier (and messier) the more experience you get at it!!! It all bloody started when I was sitting around waiting for the bus and I sat listening to a friend sob her heart out to me on how she was going to commit suicide and shit like that!!!
Well fucking do it, bitch!! Get on with it!!! Don't stand here balling your eyes out, pleading me to talk to him and make him reconsider, just fucking do it!! You know I'm not going to talk to him 'cos I don't give a shit!!! Throw yourself in front of the bus and put us all out of our misery!!!!! Jesus!!!! Some people just honestly need to learn that if you break up with someone and you can't handle it then the only other thing to do is just get on with life!! Stop anoying the rest of the world with you nightmare and get fucked!!!!

The Women:
There are no nice guys out there! There never will be and those that say they are are fucking liers, 'cos I'm one of them! They'll make themselves seem nice, but I guarantee you that if they've done their homework on you, then their plan of getting your kit off and spreading your legs will work. Trust me, whatever a man may say, it's usually lies 'cos all they want is one thing... SEX!!!

The Men:
There are no decent women out there! Women are all sluts; and out of the nice girls they are all fucked up from some ex boyfriend that mentally scarred them. In the end of the day, if you flash your cash they all come runing!! What is with the obsession with being in a relationship????? Fuck em!!! Women = money money money... It's either spend spend spend or they'll steal it all... Your choice!!! At the end of the day, she'll always be the most expensive whore you will ever pay for!!!!!

Arnies Soldiers

Thing us blokes do to feel like the Arnie...

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp! A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like!!!.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a cigarette, or even better a cigar!!!? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ....... However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Funny Picture

This picture always makes me laugh, so I'll show it to you all again!!

Joke

A married couple is driving down the highway doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"