How to tell if your an inconsiderate bastard

I sure am glad that everyone is rude and oblivious nowadays. It makes my life so much easier knowing that the people around me around are incompetent cock-knockers who could give a shit about anyone around them. I am constantly reminded of this every time I take a drive anywhere, as citizens (usually of the female persuasion) constantly try to run me off the road or cut me off in the middle of the motorway. I'm not sure why people are so careless, but if it doesn't stop, I will surely have to judo chop some faces. Just today as I was driving back to work from horsemilking class, upon entering the motorway I notice that everyone is stopped. Traffic is backed up for miles all because some jerkoff decided to crash their car into the barrier. Thanks for holding up hundreds of people just because you can't commandeer a vehicle, you selfish moron. The Department of Transportation should just launch a huge satellite into space that blows up stranded/wrecked cars with a huge laser, just so awesome people like me don't have to wait for their worthless asses. As if that wasn't enough, my air conditioning temporarily decided to stop working as I was stuck in the traffic. I've never been so close to having a brain aneurysm in my life.


There you have it folks. You have all passed the test, congratulations on being a supreme dickhead. Do all of us a favour and go get a vasectomy. Or if you're a female one of those vagina removal surgeries. Maybe then I won't have to deal with your obnoxious offspring.

Eyebrows

Andy Rooney has the world's largest eyebrows. I am completely serious. These things would put a blue whale's penis to shame. I was watching an interview with him on TV and I nearly spilled my coffee all over myself when they zoomed in on his face.

You could knit a friggin' quilt with them. I sat there utterly terrified that these monstrosities were so enormous that they would transcend space and time and somehow come through the television set to suffocate me. They actually had to end the interview early because his eyebrows kept knocking the camera over.

I seriously need a moustache

For the 35 years I've been on this earth, I have never come across a realization as awesome and epic as this one. I need to grow a moustache. The raw sexual energy that is exuded by the simple act of having a hairy upper lip is so powerful that it can turn straight men gay and gay men even gayer. Why moustaches have gone out of style within the past few years is beyond me, as sporting a sleek 'stache is a one-way ticket to femalepantsville.

Take Tom Selleck for example. He is undoubtedly the only man in history that every woman in existence has either engaged in sexual intercourse with or has at least fantasized about it at one time or another. Don't deny it, I know you have. If you could harness the power of the sun, then convert it to sexual energy and add a moustache, you would have Tom Selleck. This guy could get laid in a lesbian factory without even trying.

Alright, enough about Tom. Can you seriously imagine me with a thick bushy long moustache though? I'm pretty much hotter than everything as it is, but this would definitely push me over the top. Women would flock from miles around just to get the chance to comb it or perhaps put gel in it.

Not only would have a long mustache be incredibly hot, but it would be practical as well. Say I spilled my coffee all over my desk and I didn't have a towel to clean it up. I could just use my mustache instead, as they are unusually abosorbant. Or what if some douchebag coworker comes over to pester you. You can just pretend your mustache is a cell phone and hold it up to your ear, then when they come over just say "hold on, I'm talking on my mustache" and they'll totally understand and leave you alone. The possibilities are pretty much endless. I heard of a guy in Montana who used his to pilot a commercial airliner after his arms were somehow severed off by the in-flight lawnmower. The flight attendants said the pilot used his moustache to gain control of the aircraft and they mentioned how amazingly sexy he was with a look of determination on his face and his mustache whipping playfully in the wind. I heard he was promoted to astronaut or something.

No woman in her right mind can resist a man sporting a bold, reverse Handlebar with end twists. I've even seen chicks go for guys who are only rockin' an unkempt Walrus. My mind is blown.

So in conclusion I will hereby be growing the largest, most awesome moustache known to man. The next time you see me, I'll be swatting chicks off of me with my moustache as I am voted sexiest man alive by all magazines ever, then my hot wife will grasp my sturdy 'tache and I will fly over a rainbow and we'll go on some pretty whacky adventures together. Actually thats a dream I had a couple nights ago, but it could definitely happen.

Questions that just need answering!!!!!!!!

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the Police breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No trousers? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant goes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on chips, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
What shape is the sky?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

No Sex Tonight????????

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Lol!!! Sent in by Ben.

Run that by me again???

Anyone out there have an inside track on who manufactures those intercoms all the fast-food places use?
Are they made in a country that speaks a language that even closely resembles English?
For that matter, are they even manufactured on this planet?

What other type of communications device could possibly provide you with moments like this:

You pull in to the local McBurger/McChicken/McTaco/McFingero´fudge/McFish/McPortugalia/McRoadkill Drivethrough.
They give you about 5 Mc-seconds to try to make sense of the Mc-menu - which appears to have been laid out by someone with a serious Mc-drug problem.
Then the intercom bursts forth with something like:
"Fweeglep snaglitz forthub fizzzdoink gleeetnog floydoink nip-nop?"
Not trying to figure out exactly which unknown dialect this is, you reply with your order: "Yeah….. I'll have a double-cheeseburger, an order of fries, and a medium coke….." The speaker responds:
"fjfhjffzziiiiitttt gnagletwizft vweep snogglitz?"
At this stage, you don't know whether to ask them to repeat, or just say "yeah…" and see what you end up with. You decide to take the "safe" route. And ask them to repeat.
"Bzt ffhghhfjsiittt blongwog ftuupppfttt bizzzttt florgnop?"
This time at a decibel rating that would awaken Attila the Hun. Somehow, the concept of the louder it is, the easier it is to understand does not quite work. You repeat your order, speaking slowly, and clearly enough for your cat to understand:
"I said… I …want…. a… double… cheeseburger….. an ….order …..of ….fries….. and ….a …..medium… coke…"
After a moment of silence (presumably for the order taker to get over the shock of hearing clear, understandable human speech), the speaker responds with
"OK, thaatttt wassss aa gurbergublitz forthnotwilp unappput florkweet nobbbitiy-bloop."
By the time you get to the window, you're ready to take whatever comes through it. You wanted a cheeseburger and fries - you end up with six buckets of enough chicken nuggets to feed the entire town of Cascais, six fillets of fish and a small orange juice.

and they call this convenience??