Star Wars, What are the odd??

I've got a great one for ya...

Luke and Leia

Same age, same blood, same DNA. So why didn't anyone think it was wierd that they shared the same birthday? I mean, bit of a give away isn't it? I always thought Leia was older than Luke, until Return of the Jedi came out. Regal bearing Leia's, calm, collected manner, in control and able to handle any situation, compared to Luke who was a whiny, typically teenage dreamer with no direction in his life until Ben ambled along... So, at the time of Star Wars they're both 19, right? Which means that by the time of The Empire Strikes Back they're both 22. Which is three birthdays. Don't Star Wars folks celebrate birthdays? I guess one of them must have been given an alternative birthday, but which one? Is this something Ben, Bail and Yoda discussed on the Tantive IV? Seriously, it's a crazy as allowing Luke to keep the name Skywalker even though he was raised by the Lars family - more breadcrumbs in the trail that leads to their true heritage. So tell me people - which one of them celebrated their birthday on the wrong day? Or did they just think nothing of it. "Hey Leia, you're birthday is March 31st too? That's amazing, so's mine! And your blood type is A negative! Wow, that's a coincidence... and C3PO just told me after our yearly physical that our DNA is a perfect match. What are the odds, eh..."

Forbidden books for children

This is a list of some of the children books that have been forbidden from being published... Just think evil when you read then, 'cos I did and I almost fell off my chair!!!

Index Liberis Prohibitorum - (Index of Forbidden Books for Children)

The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
Dad's New Wife Robert
Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
Fun Four-letter Words to Know and Share
The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
The Little Sissy Who Snitched
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Man in the Moon Is Actually Satan
Places Where Mommy and Daddy Hide Neat Things
Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great Microwave Games
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Some Kittens Can Fly
Strangers Have the Best Candy
Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
Whining, Kicking, and Crying to Get Your Way
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
You Were an Accident
Your Nightmares Are Real
You're Different, and That's Bad

(source: Steven Olderr, Webmaster, Anglican Library Society)

The rainforest?? What for!!!

As everyone knows, the rainforest is a hot, steaming pile of poo jungle located in faraway lands such as Londons' Hyde Park, the top of Mount Etna, along the Alps and of course somewhere in the middle of Wales. The rain forests are full of prehistoric dinosaurs and huge rabbits with large teeth that eat anyone that ventures too close to it. That is why we know so little about the rain forest. Everything we do know leads us to believe that it should be immediately chopped down and sold as cheap wood for richer nations. By destroying the rain forest we are saving the world from headhunters, small people with big hands, dinosaurs, crocodiles and well known forms of flying piranha.
Now you've all heard me talk about the long haired hippy tree huggers, save the planet fuck wits and how they always want to save the rain forest. But in the end of the day, what do you want to save it for? The natives? The flying piranhas? They surely must be wanting to save the mosquito filled death traps from McDonalds and multi storey carparks right??? Some of the crazy environmentalists claim that the animals will all die if we tear down their habitat... Hey if all the yetis and unicorns can't live in garbage dumps left by all the major food chains then they shouldn't live at all!!! That's called Darwinism, if you don't like it then you should take it up with Darwin... Oh, wait, he's dead so it's too late to change his ism or law or what the hell you want to call it.. Boohoo!!!
Further more, many the hippies state that many of the worlds species of animals and insects have not been discovered and are living in the rainforest. SWEET MOTHER OF GOD!!!! That's the sort of answer I would expect from a retarded monkey... Have you ever thought that they don't want to be discovered???

So at the end of the day my choice will always be cut the damned thing down before it is too late for humanity!!! I mean who the hell would want a planet covered completely in green and insect infested when you can have a safe grey planet covered in oil wells, drilling platforms, concrete and tower blocks!!!!

Spanish Arrogance rant!!

I was shoked when Iread the newspaper today about how the Spaniards are again complaining about a Portuguese historical figure called Viriato. Now this guy lived in Portugal fought in Portugal and was kind of A warrior leader of the Lusitano tribe. This nut case kept the might of the Roman Empire at bay with his small force for many years, until he was betrayed and murdered in his sleep for a handful of Roman sistecii coins.... Well thats the history, now for what the rucus is all about!!! Spain are claiming that Viriato is Spanish and not Portuguese!! WTF!!!!! Hold on a fucking minute... You couldn't beat us in any battle so you now revert to stealing our history!!! Let me guess the Spanish armada lost because of Portugal right???? Fuck off!!! Fuck you and the Iberian Alliance!!! We should have agreed to let you join the Nazis on the Russian front so that their would be less of you dumb fuckers!!! But no, we had to try and prevent our Spanish cousins so that they could remain part of the Iberian block, fighting for the right to keep fascism alive for as long as possible. Fuck'em!! Thats what I say...

So after all that has been happening between our two countries, now they are fighting for a historical figure!! What the fuck is that all about.... I say keep your history and we'll keep ours, ok?? But no, thay have to be their usual fucking arogant assholes... Hows this for arrogant.... They said that Portugal is really 'Spains forgotten race' (their own words, may I add!!!!!) Assholes???? I think so!!

We founded this country, stripped her away from a corrupt king and her whorish wife... We fought three Spanish kings and God knows how many Moorish kings to create what we now call Portugal. And now you want our past!!!! All the bullshit you idiots go on about, trying to prove Viriato as Spanish doesnt waver from the fact that he is our ancestor not yours. And if you think the fragile Luso-Spanish Non- Aggression pact is strong then think again, cos every one of us would gladly march to the border and piss on the gates of Madrid. Ever thought why all the Viriato Monuments are here in Northern Portugal and not in Spain??? Because he's ours!

No, no get the fuck out of our country, stop taking pictures of him standing, spear in hand pointing towards Spain... Oh, here's another thing... Ever wondered why all our war monuments point towards Spain???? That's right, only a historical reference to an old fashioned fuck you!!! That's right you never beat us and never will!!!!

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!!

Not Quite 30 but its a start...

This morning I checked my site meter and watched as it ticked over 25. Yes indeed!!! In the first year that I have been toiling on this blog, telling the world the bare truth and admitting nothing, I've almost hit the 30 mark! That means 25 of you have stopped over to read my ramblings and rantings and ravings...

Of course a whole lot more of you were brought here for your inability to read the snippet that google or askjeeves provide after the search, some how leading you to think that maybe, just maybe, this site really was all about the obscure sexual practive of beavers!!! (You know what I mean!!!!)

And for those of you here, in search of a nude photo of J-Lo, I feel your pain...

So there you go, a milestone of sorts in this, the fourth month of the first year of my blog... 25!!!

So, to you all, a great thank you from me to you, even the nutjobs that complain about my rantings every Monday morning on the dot...

Thank You...

jokes and more women abuse

A British psychology professor decided to find out what the funniest joke in the world is. (YOu can go see the website, LaughLab) He had a final tally of 2 million votes for 40,000 jokes and here is the winner:

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’
“The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ‘Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’”

my personal favorite that I’ve seen on the LaughLab website is the joke that was the funniest in Belgium:
“Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.”

Damn that’s funny.



LIES WOMEN HAVE TOLD ME:

"I didn't do anything over the weekend.."

Lie.
This translates into "I got drunk and had lots of sex that I regret having now that I'm sober, but I'd rather not sound like a slut, so I'll give you the false impression that I live a modest life sitting at home and reading over my weekends, so you'll have to find out what I really did from people talking behind my back." This is probably closer to the truth than most people think. And don't mail me some politically correct rant saying "well not every girl is like that blah blah blah..." I know that not every girl is like that. Nobody cares.

"I've only kissed one guy..."

Lie.
No girl has only kissed one guy. Any girl that says she has kissed only one guy is either too young to have kissed more, or a damned liar.

"I think you're cute!"

Lie.
No girl thinks I'm cute. I'm repulsive. I'm hideous.

"Looks don't matter to me.."

Lie.
Looks don't matter, MY ASS. Looks matter. Any girl that says "looks don't matter" is in denial. Proof? The good looking jerks that treat women like shit always get the women.

"I want to find a guy that's sensitive.."

Lie.
This one's a whopper. Girls don't want sensitive guys, nay, when it comes down to it all they really want is sex. Most of them are no better than the assholes they sleep with. Sure.. they want sensitivity.. ass slapping, hair pulling sensitivity. What girl in their right mind would willingly sleep with a total jerk? Are all these girls being raped? Or are they really just horny? They want sensitivity.. or at least, that's what they'll have you believing, with their warm smiles and good looks. Just once, I'd like to meet a good looking girl that's not in denial, and that won't put on an integrity show, and that will just come out and admit that she's been pounded more times than any nail in the floor she stands on, like the whore that she is. At least then I'd respect her for being honest. It's so transparent to me what's going on. They fritter their lives away having sex every day of the week, and then go to church on sunday and think they're clean again. They're only fooling themselves. It's probably the only way they can live with their conscience (or lack thereof).

"I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I'm not going to date for a while"

Lie.
I hear this one a lot. They say it to sound like they're not whores going from one guy immediately to the next, but come the first good looking jerk with slick hair and a nice car, and she'll be in bed with him faster than she can contract his sexually transmitted disease.

"I like to have fun.."

Lie.
Some girls I've talked to have been so shallow, that when asked what they like to do, she'll simply say "I like to have fun.." No shit? I thought you liked being bored like the rest of us. What the hell kind of answer is "I like to have fun.." Who doesn't like to have fun? Upon further probing for what they like to do, they'll say "well.. uhhh.. I like to swim, and go hiking, and uhh.. I like to just hang out with friends.. uhhh.. I like to see movies.. uhhh..." Okay, she likes to see movies. Potential for a conversation. So, I'll ask them what movies they like, and with out fail, they always say "oh.. uhh... I like all movies.." No, dipshit, you don't like all movies. Nobody does. What movies do you like? "uhh.. I like romantic movies mostly.." (I don't really say dipshit.. I'm usually very mannered around women.. not that it matters, since they only want a rich guy to screw). My fault on that one, I should have known. Upon further interrogating (at least it seems like interrogation, since they have nothing to say about anything that matters outside of their microcosm of existence), they tell me that they like music, "all kinds" of music, of course. This is all torture to me. Why the hell should I waste my time with someone so damn boring?

"I like guys with a sense of humour.."

Lie.
I consider myself to have a sense of humour. Anyone that comes to this site and leaves without being offended has to have a sense of humour (or a really low attention span). Most of the girls that say this usually mean to say "I'm a giddy little girl that laughs at everything regardless of how everything I laugh at is painfully not funny." The elusive "guys with a sense of humour" they talk about are jerks that treat them like shit so often, that they have no choice but to think that it's funny so they can live with themselves for dating them. Pathetic.

The drinking invasion

When someone asks you to go on a road trip and says they'll accomodate you with good bars and a comfortable tiled floor to pass out on, as a rule of thumb I never usually turn down the offer. So with that, we all decided to set aside a weekend to head across to the land of strange smelling people and crazy heathen lingo to drink large portions of alcohol and share tailoring stories with our friends that lived in the heathen country, known to the world as Spain. It was supposed to be a great time for celebration, the invasion had begun and the Portuguese were on the move again!!! Little did we know!!!

Ricardo, Joao, Pedro and I met at the town-fortification of Almeida on the border, to get snacks and shit prior to the drive to the foreign land. After a lengthy experience we took the road for about 10 hours or so. Upon arriving at "Spains best hotel", which I care to mention was none of the sort!!!, we were greeted by Carlos and Quim, who had been driving manically around the hotel car park with a cooler of beer. After the usual stretching excercises that come from too many hours in a car, we took to drinking as much beer as we could before we reached the hotel entrance. Now I would like to mention that many of you know me and my drinking problem and care to say that I drank four bottles of premium Becks beer and collapsed after four steps.... Hey it was strong stuff!!!! 3 am came and left as we ransaked the hotel room and finally got booted out of the hotel for too much noise and damages. Well whoopy shit, who cares!!! Not me my simple Spanish cousin!!! Right so by 4am we were on the streets, by 430am we were in a nightclub. At 5 I was asleep in an enormous plant pot in the main road hugging a tree. 6am I awoke in a police cell with all my mates, imitating monkeys from the scene of Planet of the Apes!!!

Well to make a long story short we all played a card game called "canine" for the next four hours. Joao got his revenge on us by totally dominating the game and I ended up owing him 40 euros my shoelaces and my 1998 Sporting Lisbon signed top. Shit!!! LOL!!!! Just remembered a scene that happened during the game.... Ricardo had drunk more beer and whiskey than all of us put together and at around 8am he started making some very strange noises. Realising he was about to puke in the middle of our game I picked him up and litterally threw him against the cell bars at the far end of our tiny prison. A colourful stream of vomit hurled itself from his body and created an amusing waterfall of foreign substance down the bars and onto the concrete floor.

10 am and we were booted out of our cell and told to never return to Madrid again.... MMMmmm see you next week I mumbled.... After drinking a little more to try and sleep through the journey back our 10 hour trip took us a further two days to get across the border. I reached home early Wednesday morning to be shouted at by my sister for making her worry!!! Nice, nice.... The thing was that I couldn't really explain what had happened as all I could remember was getting there and waking up in the prison.... Everything else was a blank......