I am what could be generouly called a lapsed Christian. But even if I become an atheist Budhist with Zoroastrian tendencies, I am and will forever be Agnostic. Even though I was never ordained by the Church of Agnostics, the experience left an indelible mark on my soul none the less. So, with Benedict throwing in the towel, the media getting their Catholic geek on and the election of the new Pope - it´s been an interesting couple of weeks. And my sister knows me very well.
"So what would you do if you were the Pope?" She asks.
"Probably try and figure out how to smuggle hookers into the Vatican." I say.
"Popes have done it before."
"I am sure the Borgias left tunnels somewhere." I laugh.
"No seriously." She goes on. "I am sure you care what happens to the new Pope, but what would you do?"
"Well I wouldn´t call myself Francis for one."
"Why not?"
"Because if any of you guys call me Francis..." Isay with a hysterical shrill in my voice. "I´ll kill you."
She stares at me blankly. "What the hell are you talking about?"
I sigh. I´m five years older than her so we dont share all the same cultural references. I explain the legendary dialogue from the movie Stripes.
"Oh man." She says when I finished. "That´s bad."
I emailed that video clip to a classmate of mine. He wrote back. ´I know. I was thinking the same thing. Psycho!!´
TO DO LIST UPON ELECTION AS SUPREME PONTIFF OF THE CATHOLIC CHURCH:
1. When the Camerlengo asks, “Do accept your canonical election as Supreme Pontiff?” Laugh maniacally and shout, “It’s on bitches, Hell Yeah!!!”
2. Pick a name. Pick a scary name. I shall be called Rodus Sixtus.
3. My papal motto will be, “Because I said so.”
4. Remind myself never to look at online porn again. That shit could be traced back real quick.
5. Quickly figure out who’d be the first to poison me. Drink bottled beer only.
6. Call my cigar store and have a couple of boxes sent to “Top Dude, Big Dog at Vatican” post haste.
7. Pull the Vatican out of the Euro Zone. I want my face on the money.
8. Call my banker in the morning to set up a retirement plan.
9. Order the entire Rosetta Stone Language program. I need to be able to say, “Kneel before Rod!” in every tongue.
10. Find some really, really hot nuns.
11. Have my butler totally vetted before hire.
12. Dust off the Spanish Inquisition manual and renovate the dungeon. I have some housecleaning to do.
13. Relaunch the Crusades – as a massive multiplayer online game and reap the profits.
14. Put John Paul II back in the ground – where he wanted to be laid to rest. (I don’t need to worry about my corpse becoming an object of veneration. Something tells me I won’t be buried in The Vatican.)
15. Put in a rule that says a Pope must be dead a hundred years before you can even think about promoting him to sainthood. Right now the whole thing’s a racket.
16. Create the Swiss Navy. Sell The Pieta to the Bellagio in Vegas and buy a fully armed aircraft carrier and rechristen it, The Wrath of God. Stalin once asked, “How many divisions does the Pope have?” Well Uncle Joe, now the Pope has nukes.
17. Move Castel Gandolfo to the Surrey brick by brick
18. Hire Bruce Willis to find those priests who have the stones to make The Fifth Element. With my luck Satan is a monster-sized alien who’ll show up on my first day off.
19. Make my five-year old nephew a cardinal. It’s been done before.
20. Rename the Jesuits “The Jedi” and rename their mother church “St. Obi-Wan Outside the Walls.”
21. Commission Pope Sixtus comic book series. I’ve already got a cape.
22. Make the Vatican energy independent by hooking up the mains to the Ark of the Covenant. I know it’s around here somewhere.
23. Ditch the Popemobile for a Lamborghini.
24. Bring back bingo night at St. John Lateran.
25. Extort cattle ranchers for big payoffs or I bring back of meatless Fridays all year.
26. Have all the other religions of the world pay me for “protection.”
27. No more of this “What time is midnight Mass?” bullshit. Midnight! End of discussion.
28. Say priests don’t have to marry – but they have to raise at least one child.
29. Make waiting tables part of seminary formation. You learn a lot about people serving food.
30. Proclaim no priest shall be ordained until he is thirty-three. By that time, if you’re crazy, we’ll know.
31. Warn Sinead O’Connor she’d better not rip up MY picture.
32. Buy red sneakers. Better yet, launch my own line – Air Sixtus.
33. Tell Puerto Rican mothers to stop naming their kids Jesus.
34. All of Rome’s homeless get to sleep in St. Peter’s every night. Make that mandatory for every bishop’s cathedral in the world.
35. Watch the first two Godfather films for guidance – because the Curia is the original Mafia.
36. Have nuns constantly praying to St. Anthony so I can always find my Keys to the Kingdom.
37. Add “Ecclesiastical Shogun” to my extensive list of titles. Get accompanying samurai sword from the Emperor of Japan. Wicked cool.
38. Make Latin hip again.
39. Bishops will no longer be allowed to reside in mansions. Of course, this does not apply to me. It’s good to be the Pontiff.
40. Bring back the Sedia Gestatoria. I am the Man!
41. Make L’Osservatore Romano a tabloid and add sudoku.
42. Turn the Bark of St. Peter into a macked out yacht.
43. Start selling stuff. Start selling lots of stuff.
44. Have my attorneys send Dwayne Johnson a cease and desist letter and tell him the use of the name “The Rock” has been copyrighted for two-thousand years. “Tu es Petrus et super hanc petram aedificabo Ecclesiam meam.”
45. Bind less. Loose more. In all seriousness, we don’t get a new Pope every day. Even I teared up when I heard the words “Habemus Papam” Good luck Papa Bergoglio. The hopes of the world are with you.
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