Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!!!!

Not Quite 30 but its a start...

This morning I checked my site meter and watched as it ticked over 25. Yes indeed!!! In the first year that I have been toiling on this blog, telling the world the bare truth and admitting nothing, I've almost hit the 30 mark! That means 25 of you have stopped over to read my ramblings and rantings and ravings...

Of course a whole lot more of you were brought here for your inability to read the snippet that google or askjeeves provide after the search, some how leading you to think that maybe, just maybe, this site really was all about the obscure sexual practive of beavers!!! (You know what I mean!!!!)

And for those of you here, in search of a nude photo of J-Lo, I feel your pain...

So there you go, a milestone of sorts in this, the fourth month of the first year of my blog... 25!!!

So, to you all, a great thank you from me to you, even the nutjobs that complain about my rantings every Monday morning on the dot...

Thank You...

jokes and more women abuse

A British psychology professor decided to find out what the funniest joke in the world is. (YOu can go see the website, LaughLab) He had a final tally of 2 million votes for 40,000 jokes and here is the winner:

“A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
“The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: ‘My friend is dead! What can I do?’
“The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: ‘Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.’
“There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: ‘OK, now what?’”

my personal favorite that I’ve seen on the LaughLab website is the joke that was the funniest in Belgium:
“Why do ducks have webbed feet?
To stamp out fires.
Why do elephants have flat feet?
To stamp out burning ducks.”

Damn that’s funny.



LIES WOMEN HAVE TOLD ME:

"I didn't do anything over the weekend.."

Lie.
This translates into "I got drunk and had lots of sex that I regret having now that I'm sober, but I'd rather not sound like a slut, so I'll give you the false impression that I live a modest life sitting at home and reading over my weekends, so you'll have to find out what I really did from people talking behind my back." This is probably closer to the truth than most people think. And don't mail me some politically correct rant saying "well not every girl is like that blah blah blah..." I know that not every girl is like that. Nobody cares.

"I've only kissed one guy..."

Lie.
No girl has only kissed one guy. Any girl that says she has kissed only one guy is either too young to have kissed more, or a damned liar.

"I think you're cute!"

Lie.
No girl thinks I'm cute. I'm repulsive. I'm hideous.

"Looks don't matter to me.."

Lie.
Looks don't matter, MY ASS. Looks matter. Any girl that says "looks don't matter" is in denial. Proof? The good looking jerks that treat women like shit always get the women.

"I want to find a guy that's sensitive.."

Lie.
This one's a whopper. Girls don't want sensitive guys, nay, when it comes down to it all they really want is sex. Most of them are no better than the assholes they sleep with. Sure.. they want sensitivity.. ass slapping, hair pulling sensitivity. What girl in their right mind would willingly sleep with a total jerk? Are all these girls being raped? Or are they really just horny? They want sensitivity.. or at least, that's what they'll have you believing, with their warm smiles and good looks. Just once, I'd like to meet a good looking girl that's not in denial, and that won't put on an integrity show, and that will just come out and admit that she's been pounded more times than any nail in the floor she stands on, like the whore that she is. At least then I'd respect her for being honest. It's so transparent to me what's going on. They fritter their lives away having sex every day of the week, and then go to church on sunday and think they're clean again. They're only fooling themselves. It's probably the only way they can live with their conscience (or lack thereof).

"I just broke up with my boyfriend, so I'm not going to date for a while"

Lie.
I hear this one a lot. They say it to sound like they're not whores going from one guy immediately to the next, but come the first good looking jerk with slick hair and a nice car, and she'll be in bed with him faster than she can contract his sexually transmitted disease.

"I like to have fun.."

Lie.
Some girls I've talked to have been so shallow, that when asked what they like to do, she'll simply say "I like to have fun.." No shit? I thought you liked being bored like the rest of us. What the hell kind of answer is "I like to have fun.." Who doesn't like to have fun? Upon further probing for what they like to do, they'll say "well.. uhhh.. I like to swim, and go hiking, and uhh.. I like to just hang out with friends.. uhhh.. I like to see movies.. uhhh..." Okay, she likes to see movies. Potential for a conversation. So, I'll ask them what movies they like, and with out fail, they always say "oh.. uhh... I like all movies.." No, dipshit, you don't like all movies. Nobody does. What movies do you like? "uhh.. I like romantic movies mostly.." (I don't really say dipshit.. I'm usually very mannered around women.. not that it matters, since they only want a rich guy to screw). My fault on that one, I should have known. Upon further interrogating (at least it seems like interrogation, since they have nothing to say about anything that matters outside of their microcosm of existence), they tell me that they like music, "all kinds" of music, of course. This is all torture to me. Why the hell should I waste my time with someone so damn boring?

"I like guys with a sense of humour.."

Lie.
I consider myself to have a sense of humour. Anyone that comes to this site and leaves without being offended has to have a sense of humour (or a really low attention span). Most of the girls that say this usually mean to say "I'm a giddy little girl that laughs at everything regardless of how everything I laugh at is painfully not funny." The elusive "guys with a sense of humour" they talk about are jerks that treat them like shit so often, that they have no choice but to think that it's funny so they can live with themselves for dating them. Pathetic.

The drinking invasion

When someone asks you to go on a road trip and says they'll accomodate you with good bars and a comfortable tiled floor to pass out on, as a rule of thumb I never usually turn down the offer. So with that, we all decided to set aside a weekend to head across to the land of strange smelling people and crazy heathen lingo to drink large portions of alcohol and share tailoring stories with our friends that lived in the heathen country, known to the world as Spain. It was supposed to be a great time for celebration, the invasion had begun and the Portuguese were on the move again!!! Little did we know!!!

Ricardo, Joao, Pedro and I met at the town-fortification of Almeida on the border, to get snacks and shit prior to the drive to the foreign land. After a lengthy experience we took the road for about 10 hours or so. Upon arriving at "Spains best hotel", which I care to mention was none of the sort!!!, we were greeted by Carlos and Quim, who had been driving manically around the hotel car park with a cooler of beer. After the usual stretching excercises that come from too many hours in a car, we took to drinking as much beer as we could before we reached the hotel entrance. Now I would like to mention that many of you know me and my drinking problem and care to say that I drank four bottles of premium Becks beer and collapsed after four steps.... Hey it was strong stuff!!!! 3 am came and left as we ransaked the hotel room and finally got booted out of the hotel for too much noise and damages. Well whoopy shit, who cares!!! Not me my simple Spanish cousin!!! Right so by 4am we were on the streets, by 430am we were in a nightclub. At 5 I was asleep in an enormous plant pot in the main road hugging a tree. 6am I awoke in a police cell with all my mates, imitating monkeys from the scene of Planet of the Apes!!!

Well to make a long story short we all played a card game called "canine" for the next four hours. Joao got his revenge on us by totally dominating the game and I ended up owing him 40 euros my shoelaces and my 1998 Sporting Lisbon signed top. Shit!!! LOL!!!! Just remembered a scene that happened during the game.... Ricardo had drunk more beer and whiskey than all of us put together and at around 8am he started making some very strange noises. Realising he was about to puke in the middle of our game I picked him up and litterally threw him against the cell bars at the far end of our tiny prison. A colourful stream of vomit hurled itself from his body and created an amusing waterfall of foreign substance down the bars and onto the concrete floor.

10 am and we were booted out of our cell and told to never return to Madrid again.... MMMmmm see you next week I mumbled.... After drinking a little more to try and sleep through the journey back our 10 hour trip took us a further two days to get across the border. I reached home early Wednesday morning to be shouted at by my sister for making her worry!!! Nice, nice.... The thing was that I couldn't really explain what had happened as all I could remember was getting there and waking up in the prison.... Everything else was a blank......

Complaints Department

Right, that's it!! I've had with all of you lot! What the fuck do you lot think your doing clotting up my email address with complaints about my blog. FU!!! Have you nothing better to do than annoy the living hell out of me with your moaning little abusive emails???? Fuck off!! Bloody tree hugging, left wing, pussy footed do-gooders. Why don't you lot just do the world a favour and kill yourselves!!! There's no place on this planet for you lot and I have no longer the time and the pascience to deal with you any more... I mean for the Love of God!!!!! This morning I woke up with 15 emails, all complaining about how I love annoying just about everyone in the world. Well Whoopy fucking do!!!! Who cares, freedom of speach asshole!!! Get a fucking life and stop getting on my bloody back because I speak the truth!!! Shit for brains!!! Oh, oh and before I forget, I'm keeping all your email addresses at hand just in case I need to send a virus your way!!! Fuck wits!!

...and breathe...

Right, I'm back and a little more relaxed after a strong black coffee and my first cigarrette in almost 7 months... So what was I on about, oh yeah complaints... I have just opened a complaints department email address for all of you long haired hippy poofters who do not enjoy a slice of my world and I will be deleting my email address from this blog. Direct all of your wank stained complaints to: comp.dept@hotmail.com and yes it is my email so stop emailing me on my old address. (Unless your a mate, in which case I'll be keeping it open.)

"Bring me War and I'll deliver you the World...)

Ahhh Women!!!

Have you ever been driving around and you ask your woman to do something trivial and suddenly it turns into a civil rights movement?
Why is everything a power struggle with women? I was driving around with my friend and his girlfriend the other day when he simply asked her to make a left turn, then she suddenly flipped out and started bitching about being controlled and oppessed. Good job moron, I'm sure dyke feminists everywhere are creaming their pants because of your political crusade against oppression, (Oh, we can't call them dykes or lesbians anymore, they're women in confortable shoes!!) but there are certain times when taking a stand to prove your stupid point is inappropriate. Like when you're going to MISS THE TURN and make us late, you stupid dumb bitch!!!!!!!

I saw some chick driving around with her fat friends the other day with one of those "BITCH ON BOARD" stickers on her bumper. There were three of them in the car, and one guy who was obviously married to the girl in the back seat (you could tell that he was married because he had a cold, lifeless stare and was trying to avoid all conversation and eye contact with her). The chicks in the car had the most obnoxious laugh I've ever heard: a loud, ear piercing, shrieking cackle, like they're laughing so hard that they can barely breathe, you could hear all the air being sucked out of the vehicle with each spattering of giggles.
What's so funny? I heard the big mouthed bitch at the wheel telling another joke that wasn't funny, and sure enough, it was followed up with more cackling, which made my whole body shudder. Listen, this is a plea to all men: I know it's macho to have a girlfriend and everything, but please, if your girlfriend has an obnoxious laugh and a giant mouth, consider masturbation. Seriously, you're embarassing yourself. There's no shame in masturbation, unless you get caught!!!!

Sorry for...

Ok, I was in a really bad mood last night, then threw in a few barleys, and well you see the result. Sorry about that, and I didn't mean to ruffle so many feathers...i'll try to keep my opionions to myself in the future!!! Didn't really know how much of an effect my blog has done to so many people. Woke up this morning with 8 emails moaning about my 'Heartbreak' rant, so apologies are due so here goes:

I'm sorry I offended women.
I'm sorry I offended your feelings and that I agree that not all women are sluts and cheap hookers.
I'm sorry to all those thousands and thousands of people affected by the systematic removal of aboriginal children from their homes, their sacred lands and their families.
I'm sorry that I called all women mentally challenged, I'm sure your not all psycologically scarred.
To all you blokes that emailed me about the 'heartbreak' rant I have one thing to say to you.... Stop being so fucking gay!!!!!!!!!!!! Oh and I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for the centuries of oppression my people inflicted on Africans, Asians, South Americans and our next door neighbours, the Spaniards...
I'm sorry if you are offended from any of the material in my blog, but as a good friend would say..... Get fucked!!!!
I'm sorry I said that all women would run to you when cash is flashed, but hey it's all about the money.
I'm sorry my people mixed the black and white race in Brazil creating a half cast nation... 'OOOOH I'll be getting emails for that one!!!'
Sorry for that last one...
I'm sorry, but not all women are thieving one week a month nutters.
And blokes are not all liers... (If I told you I lie, would I be telling the truth?)
Anyway for my last rant and for this one, if I offended anyone in anyway then I truly apologise............. hehe!!!

Heartbreaks

I am sick and tired of hearing another sob story from my friends about how horrible life is after they have split up with their partner. Well whoopy shit!!! We've all been there, had to split up or do the splitting and had to feel the pain!!!! But I guarantee you that it gets easier (and messier) the more experience you get at it!!! It all bloody started when I was sitting around waiting for the bus and I sat listening to a friend sob her heart out to me on how she was going to commit suicide and shit like that!!!
Well fucking do it, bitch!! Get on with it!!! Don't stand here balling your eyes out, pleading me to talk to him and make him reconsider, just fucking do it!! You know I'm not going to talk to him 'cos I don't give a shit!!! Throw yourself in front of the bus and put us all out of our misery!!!!! Jesus!!!! Some people just honestly need to learn that if you break up with someone and you can't handle it then the only other thing to do is just get on with life!! Stop anoying the rest of the world with you nightmare and get fucked!!!!

The Women:
There are no nice guys out there! There never will be and those that say they are are fucking liers, 'cos I'm one of them! They'll make themselves seem nice, but I guarantee you that if they've done their homework on you, then their plan of getting your kit off and spreading your legs will work. Trust me, whatever a man may say, it's usually lies 'cos all they want is one thing... SEX!!!

The Men:
There are no decent women out there! Women are all sluts; and out of the nice girls they are all fucked up from some ex boyfriend that mentally scarred them. In the end of the day, if you flash your cash they all come runing!! What is with the obsession with being in a relationship????? Fuck em!!! Women = money money money... It's either spend spend spend or they'll steal it all... Your choice!!! At the end of the day, she'll always be the most expensive whore you will ever pay for!!!!!

Arnies Soldiers

Thing us blokes do to feel like the Arnie...

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp! A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like!!!.

10. NODDING AT COPPERS - A moment's eye contact is all it takes for you to share the unspoken bond. "We've not seen eye to eye in the past",it says, "but someone's got to keep the little scrotes in line".

11. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a cigarette, or even better a cigar!!!? Superb.

12. KICKING A FOOTBALL AGAINST A GARAGE DOOR - Clang-g-g-g-g-g-! Stick that Becks, I kick so hard I set off car alarms.

13. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are ....... However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

14. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

15. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

16. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

17. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

18. TAKING OUT £200 FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

19. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

20. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

21. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

22. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

23. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

24. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

Funny Picture

This picture always makes me laugh, so I'll show it to you all again!!

Joke

A married couple is driving down the highway doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel.
His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house."
Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"