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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Pro-War Rant
You might want to sit down and put your coffee down before you read this. I was emailed this today by a friend (thanks Joe.) and I laughed so much that I hurt myself. I'm not sure where it came from, originally or who it should be credited with writing it.
Hey Man, There Could Be Seventy VirginsUnder My FingernailorA California Boy's Pro-War Rant.
Hey you Al Quaeda dudes, driving those 747s through the skyscrapers was way unmellow, and we're generating a lot of negative energy about it right now, so we've decided to take our bad vibes out on you. You guys think Bush or,Cheney is scary? Our decisions on how much force to apply are made by a sixties burn-out who wanders along Haight street muttering about flying saucers and telling anyone he meets that "The end is near."Along with our allies in the other forty nine states, we're gonna pay you a visit soon, and our spiritually pure, tofu fed special forces, who practice a really vile brand of war yoga and are capable of surviving for days on spirulina alone, will be in your countries performing spiritual sabatoge before you know it.Not only that, but we intend to use our air power against you - not to mention the forces of earth, fire and water. Our massive airforce - massive compared to your miniscule collection of grody old bargain basement Russian crap anyway - is gonna kick your sorry asses. Dude, shopping with Ivan is so fifteen minutes ago. Why do you even bother?Our crystal guided smart weaponry, mainly 2000 pound "bonker busters" will tear your sorry buildings apart. Most are loaded with 1000 pounds of high explosive, 800 pounds of amethyst shards, and 200 pounds of Holy Demeter's Herbal Seed Mix. They can simultaneously blow apart a mosque, use fragmentation weaponry against your holy warriors, purify the sacred ground of Mother Earth after she's been polluted by your patriarchal hate factory, and plant a pretty garden.We estimate that a bunch of aging hippies carrying the rifles they use for discouraging DEA agents will be able to crush your pathetic armies within minutes. However, if you surrender, they'll happily get you high, and maybe even feed you.Sometime within the next couple weeks you're going to wake up and discover that all the mosques, martyrs, and mullahs, not to mention your totally loser, so called war machine, has been blown to bits. The air, usually filled with the smell of anti-woman violence, will instead be filled with the intermingled scents of cordite, lavendare, and mugwort.Once we're on the ground we'll unleash our psy-war shock troops. We'll replace your mosques with Hard Rock Cafes and Houses of Blues, then we'll let our women talk to your women. They'll bring your gals up to date on birth control, thegoddess, and why lesbianism is better than living with a psychopathic patriarchal sleazebag. They'll also demonstrate that a string bikini does a much better job of attracting a mate than a chador. If necessary, they'll offer advanced classes on why carrying tasers or mace can be effective against repressive masculine forces.Meanwhile, we'll be filling your hookahs with some special leaves we've been growing in the foothills near Santa Cruz and spending the next six months talking to you about peace, love, freedom, and female equality. We'll pour some stuff made by a radical chemist from Berkely into your water supply and guys, you just, plain don't wanna know what's going into your tea.We'll bring in a bunch of blond, well tanned surfer dudes to take your daughters out for pina colladas, sushi and hot tubbing, then we'll invite you all to a big concert. Riyadh is gonna be party city. Dude!!Finally, our people will call your people, and we'll have lunch. (Just in case you don't know, that's High Californian for fuck off!!)In the end, you'll fear the Happy Face far more than you fear the B-52.