The Feral Laws are a set of ordinances put into effect due to the fact that everyone is wrong about everything. You ought to be thanking me for making these laws, as some people out there are so blatantly retarded that it makes me want to shoot a small animal twice at point blank range in the face. If you do not abide by these laws, then you are a worthless detriment to society, and your friends and family will hate you for the rest of your miserable life.
This is a work in progress, and new laws will be added as I see fit.
The Feral Laws:
1. You are not allowed to say "I am almost [insert age here]", until exactly 1 week before your birthday.
2. Under no circumstances shall ANYONE clip their toenails or fingernails inside an enclosure (i.e. car, house, brothel, prison cell). If you are in violation of this particularly important law, then you will die at an early age, go straight to Hell, and be forced to comb Stalin's moustache daily.
3. Thou shalt not pee while having a boner, as you will inevitably spray piss in all different directions, and even though you try to clean it up, you will miss some, and the bathroom will forever reek of urine.
4. It is pronounced "Surrey", not "Suwey". There is no 'W', there never WAS an 'W', and there never WILL be an 'W'. Saying this incorrectly will cause me to repetedly stab you in the eye with an icepick. NOTE: The worst offenders are foreigners.
5. If you feel like singing along to a song that you hear on the radio/CD Player/whatever, you must ask EVERYONE in the surrounding vicinity if it is alright with them. If anyone objects you must shut the hell up immediately or recieve a swift kick in the groin.
6. Toilet paper is to be rolled from the top; NOT from the bottom as some misinformed individuals might lead you to believe. Rolling it from the bottom will cause little children to die somewhere in Africa.
7. Don't be Mormon.
8. When riding up an escalator, do NOT congregate at the top after getting off. I have no idea why people do this, but I will most definitely have to shove your selfish ass out of the way if I'm behind you and perhaps kick you a few times while you're on the ground.
9. If you are incredibly overweight, do not celebrate your obesity by wearing skin-tight and/or revealing clothing. I, along with the rest of the world, do not want to see that shit.
10. Do not ever play 'Devil's Advocate'. It is just a lame excuse to be an asshole and instigate an argument that you care nothing about. People seem to think they're intelligent by disagreeing with you, yet when you get pissed off at them, they always come up with "LOL SORRY I WAS JUST PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE!@#", which somehow motivates my foot to fly towards their facial region.
11. Always look up when entering an elevator, as a terrorist or ninja may be hiding on the ceiling waiting to kill or harm you. Not following this law has led to the demise of many actors in movies and also my uncle.
12. If you're a fat female, be nice. I don't see why overweight women are always so rude and uptight. You already have one strike against you by being obese. Don't push me over the edge by being a jackass as well. I may just have to put anti-freeze in your fried chicken.
13. Do not, under any circumstances, violently move your body when you laugh. I don't see why some people shake their shoulders and upper body while leaning forwards and backwards just to chuckle when they find something amusing. That shit pisses me off worse than when people dress up their dogs in sweaters or hats. In fact,
14. Don't dress up your dog. Dressing them up is psycological torture which will eventually lead them to turn on your children.
15. Never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase "Run forrest run". That movie came out over a decade ago and the catchphrase is no longer funny. In fact, it never WAS funny. I was jogging to my car after work yesterday and some asshole passing by yelled it to me thinking he was a witty kind of guy, which forced me to collide both my fists into his cheek bone. Welcome to 2006 you worthless douche.
16. Chocolates in the fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That shit just drives me insane!!
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