They always ask that. The continued hate mail I receive from you assholes that don´t know me... In fact I enjoy reading your shitty letters but why do I do this? What's my fucking problem? Just who the hell do I think I am? Why won't I take that shit down? Have I ever heard of libel? Don't I know what goes around comes around? I'll get mine, won't I buddy???
Yeah. Obviously I've heard them all. I wrote a bunch of naughty words down and then the e-mail eventually starts to arrive. There are some who write to tell me how funny my rants are. I like those people. The rest send me death threats or hate mail. One of you even threatened to burn me alive while I slept. Yeah you know who you are you Ukrainian fuck!!!! One of these days I will put them all together into a giant rant for you guys. There's really nothing else to be done about hate mail.
I got a lot of reasons why I wrote this shit. Sometimes, something funny happens and I want all my friends, including the ones that only exist as incoming chat messages, to know all about it. I want to take the time to do it right so that they feel like they are there when it happens and can enjoy it as much as I did, or feel what I felt.
That's a reason I wrote this shit.
My flesh and blood friends get a better view of the real me and what's going on in my head than I could say unrehearsed on the phone. It saves time to do it right the first time on the computer and then everyone can see it at once, instead of me explaining shit to 4 or more people on the phone. When I write about a fucked up thing that involves my flesh and blood friends, the things that bother me end up on these pages and I get them out of me. If anyone who knows me personally has read about a rant that had them in it, I think you'll agree that I no longer hold the fucked up thing against you if I wrote it down. There is a shitload of stuff I've yet to put on paper, but the time ain't right just yet.
That's a reason I wrote this shit.
Sometimes, I think up the weirdest shit and nobody I know would care to hear about it. So I write it down, they read it, can make nothing of it, and we move on. Most of my rants end up that way. Once I get the weird shit out of my head, I won't blurt it out in mixed company. None of us want that.
Sometimes, in fact, often, I am still up at 4 in the morning on a Thursday when I should be passed out. I can't recall being up at that hour because of another person, its always one of those long lonely days where everything fell through and you've had too much caffeine and cola and you pace and work on bizarre personal projects, read, sketch, etc., but mostly you just want desperately to speak to another human being, to hold somebody, to rest with them without saying a word, to go out and gaze the stars, to walk on the beach and whisper dirty things to each other, something, anything!!!
Right about then, I pull up all my writings, the ones on this page, the ones that will never see the light of day, and I just read them backwards from the order I wrote them. When I do that, all you stupid fucks come back to life for me and then I'm not alone anymore. I can read a rant and for a while I am back in that stupid relationship with Sofia, arguing in a nightclub about her stupid personal life when we should be enjoying ourselves. Sometimes I am with all of my friends, working at the clinic or hospital and Sandra is muttering to Paula about what a fuckhead I am. Sometimes everyone is talking shit about me behind my back and I hate them all.
All that really matters is that the tight clenching feeling in my chest when I need other people around me is gone. That's a reason I wrote this shit.
Sometimes I am just an asshole, I admit it and I write something fucked up about you for everyone else to see. I want everyone to know what a freak you are. Its Don't make me write something nasty about you on my blog bitch! If that bothers you, that's pretty fucking sad. Its a fucking blog!!!! It's the lamest threat imaginable.
If you read all that and want one of my rants taken down, please be so kind as to fuck off!!!
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