So my niece has started to walk it all mostly consists of falling on her huge arse but she´s nearly one and already a handful. The thing she likes the most is fighting me!!! I wonder why???? Her latest trick is to try to get behind me and rabbit punch me between the shoulder blades which really hurts to her constant amusement.
I smile as I hear the soft pitter patter of tiny foot steps as the ninja baby approaches for a surprise attack.
"Aaaaaaarrrrhhhhh!!!" I scream as she goes for a strangle hold from behind and leaps onto my back with both knees colliding into my spine.
Let the battle commence..............
Kicking punching and biting me with her first lower tooth, she tries to pin me to the ground. I grab her leg and dangle her up side down as she laughs and kicks me with her other leg square between my eyes.
"Gaga!" She screams as I fall backwards still holding her leg, falling heavily with that enormous nappy on my groin. I shoot upright as soon as she makes contact as she then plants my mobile phone that fell out of my pocket straight against my cheek.
"Jesus, you little shit!" I yelp.
"Gagaaaa!!" She screams her victory cry.
"Stop fighting the baby!" My sister shouts from the kitchen.
Suddenly and without warning I turn the tide of battle, we grapple for the phone, but I´m wounded holding my face and she has two hands on the phone.
"Got ya!" I shout as I prise the phone free only to be met with a barrage of baby finger up my nose. "Aaarhhh!" I shout again as she hunts for my brain. I pull her away and pin her to the floor, she automatically turns into a hedgehog and curls into a ball. My hands grapple with her limbs as she kicks and punches me away. From hedgehog to slippery eel she transforms and frees herself from my grip. She´s up on all fours with her fat arse in the air trying to stand. I lunge for her head, she dodges and smiles as I fall flat on my face. She´s on my back now, bouncing up and down on my head as my face hits the floor. I grab her again and throw her onto the couch where she stands and calls me a wanker. I´m shocked at the sudden out burst which gives her enough time to back step for a run up. She runs and jumps her feet making contact with my chin, spinning me to the ground where she falls gracefully onto the floor. The cats come in for a look and decides to sit and watch the mayhem. I look for her but she´s nowhere in sight, suddenly a scream from the light fixture makes me look up as she smiles her devilish smile and does a wrestling frog splash against my chest. I narrowly avoid the attack and fein the likes of a bored man. I sit and watch tv, avoiding eye contact. She runs towards me and bites my toe.
"AAAARRRHHHH!" I scream and the battle is back on. I grab her hair and she spins on all fours forcing me to release my grip on her soft Johnsons baby shampoo covered golden locks.
She screams. "Aaarrrhh!" and I do the same. The wrestling continues, I call a cease fire but she ignores me whispering that ´she´s going to cut me when I sleep´.
Finally I have to pull rank. "Stop it or no more Winnie the Pooh story time."
She sits silently watching TV, cuddling my arm, being the perfect niece but in fact she´s digging her uncut finger nails into the veins in my arm.
"You little bitch" I shout.
"Don´t call your niece that!" My sister appears in the hall way.
"Mama!" Catarina smiles lifting her arms as her mother picks her up and walks away. She looks over her mothers shoulder and grins, flicking her fingers across her neck.
I don´t think I´ll sleep tonight.
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