Red Bull Energy Drink
It's bad enough that the average teenager is already jacked up on a mixture of Cola, Aspirin, Mountain Dew Code Red and prescription Ritalin - do they really need this too?????? For those who don't read labels, Red Bull contains 8.3 ounces of Taurine, Glucuronolactone, Caffeine and B Vitamins - in other words, enough chemicals to send an Indian elephant trampling through a petting zoo with a hard on and a glint in his eye!!! Not to be confused with clubbers who enjoy Red Bull mixed with Vodka or Champagne. The average chick with a pierced belly button and remedial text-messaging proficiency is no stranger to this brew. But what they don't know, is that the misture of Alcohol and Red Bull is enough to send your heart on overdrive. Pumping faster than it has ever had to, while the Alcohol relaxes your brain making it ignore the fact that the pounding noice coming from your chest can be heard from the entire nightclub!!!! (Oh and you thought you were just paranoid???)
Pepsi Blue: Berry Cola Fusion
After trying Mountain Dew Code Red and Vanilla Coke, I had to try Pepsi Blue. Was I hoping for a beverage trifecta of great tastes, a hat-trick of liquid refreshment? No, I'm a masochist. After taking one sip of Pepsi Blue my immediate reaction was to drop the bottle on my desk and exclaim: "What the fuck!" I was shocked - Pepsi Blue is the freakiest tasting substance since my last fluoride treatment at the dentist. Those dentists and oral hygienists - they tell you it's berry flavour (as in a fruit), but it's not - It kind of reminds me of an off tasting old Macky D's root beer. The Pepsi Blue Web site reads: "Prepare yourself for the tricked-up taste of Pepsi Blue". I can think of a phrase that rhymes with "tricked-up" that is a more appropriate description of the Pepsi Blue taste experience - here's a hint: it starts with "F."
My question is: just what kind of berry should make me think I've just ingested something so freaky and unearthly that I immediately started typing out my Last Will and Testament? It's no berry I've ever encountered before and it's certainly not a blueberry. I know what a blueberry tastes like and it's sho 'nuff not Pepsi Blue. You know what I think? Pepsi Blue is "blue" flavored - there's no berry or cola involved. Some scientist, possibly an evil German scientist living in exile in Argentina, figured out the flavour of the colour blue, Pepsi put that flavour in a bottle and sold it to me.
I can think of another "blue" liquid known for it's "blue" colour and unique taste: Prussic Acid, a.k.a. Cyanide. Foolishly, I finished the entire bottle of sticky, sweet, electric-blue liquid. I wouldn't tell you not to drink it, especially if you're fond of trips to the dentist, but I don't think I'll every drink it again. What's the best thing about Pepsi Blue? The all too appropriate heavy metal styled Pepsi Blue logo. P.S. This stuff sticks to your fingers like you would never believe!!! It kind of reminds me of a cross between velcro and toxic waste!!!
Vanilla Coke
Apparently, after some discussion with some old people, Vanilla Coke is nothing new. Back in the day - make that way back in the day, you know, before plumbing and all that shite about the 'good ol days' - Coca Cola contained actual cocaine and it came out of things called "fountains," dudes named "soda jerks" (yep, that's right Bevis, "jerks") would combine all kinds of flavours with Coke - sometimes cherry and definitely Vanilla. "Old wine, new bottles", sure, but it's more like old, brown tooth-rotting chemicals, new 20oz plastic bottles.
The glutton for punishment I am, I purchased the new Vanilla Coke, drank it and came to this conclusion: it tastes like watered-down cream soda. Yes, that's right, cream soda - that crap with the unfortunate name that makes teenagers giggle, costs 50 pence a can, and seems to only exist at family picnics where you have to dig though a garbage barrel full of ice to get one and you know that only 7 hours ago that barrel was filled with garbage. But now it's filled with 50 pence cans of grape, orange, ginger-ale and cream soda.
What's my point? Vanilla Coke is nothing new. If you enjoy cream soda and need that brand name to go with it, Vanilla Coke is for you!!!
Mountain Dew Code Red
Mountain Dew Code Red has been around for a while now (Aparently as their web page suggests) - long enough to have an actual computer virus named after it - but, I'm going to review it, as it's the first in this new wave of unnaturally favoured and coloured caffeine drinks for me.
Code Red is the most sickeningly sweet and syrupy beverage I have ever tasted - unless you consider maple syrup to be a beverage. So sweet, that I could actually hear the bacteria building tiny plaque cities on my teeth and tongue, creating empires and starting wars.... Yes folks, soda doesn't get any grosser than Code Red. And how about that flavour??? Code Red. Remember when soda flavours were at least named after actual naturally occurring plant parts, like grape, or orange, or cola, or coke, or ginger? What kind of plants do Code Reds grow on? Plants from Hell? Plants from Mars? Should I be comforted by the fact that soda corporations are no longer lying about the flavours of their sodas and they've started to name their products honestly? Now, I'm scared shitless. What's next in this corporate trend of honesty: is Kraft going to start marketing "Yellow Squares" instead of "Cheese?"
Drink Mountain Dew Code Red at your own risk while wearing a helmet and strapped to the snowboard of your choice, dude. Original Mountain Dew was fine: it's crisp and refreshing and best of all caffeinated - the world didn't need a new flavour.
