"You shit!! This was my last clean shirt," an annoyed friend complained. So far today he had been bitten, puked on, and now bled on mostly by yours truly. Yes that's right, I'm back to my usual accident prone ways!!!! It's not as if I do it on purpose. It's just me and for those of you that have known me for a while, well you know what I'm like!!!!
"Have you no mercy? No shame?" My friend continued screaming. Joe had asked me to help him move to his new flat down the road but we had problems from the word go... His new place was three storeys up and with building regulations in this country stating that you don't need a lift, well we were pretty pissed off after ten minutes. Joe and I had been running up and down all day when it all happened within a space of five minutes. It was 6pm and we hadn't even stopped for lunch.
"Look at me you bastard!" He shouted and pointed at the state of his shirt as I lay in a prone position two flights down. But before I continue, let me go back to the begining again...
So everything was running at a steady pace, with chest of drawers, bed and most of the bedroom cabinets in his new flat. The problems started when we moved onto his sofa... We were half way up and past the second floor, which had a dodgy bend, and almost on the home straight when a neighbour decides to come out of his apartment to walk the dog. Now don't get me wrong I love dogs, but this one was a little shit!!! He ran for Joes legs, which were the closest to him and started to gnaw and I mean gnaw... Not bite but gnaw!!! Joe was kicking and screaming like a twelve year old school girl in a blender, by this time but the dog never let go. The owner tried desperately to control him, but everytime he pulled on the leash, the bloody thing became more tangled around his legs.. Oh, oh and I was trying to balance the bloody sofa from the other side while Joe thrashed about like a killer whale with a seal pup. Now there I am, being thrown about left and right, the sofa banging into my empty stomach and the bile tickling my throat when I couldn't handle it any longer. Seconds later I puked and violently!! I don't mean like when you feel a little unwell and a trickle of bile slips across your gums, but it all shot out of my mouth like a cannon. It flew straight over the lush green velor sofa and splattered like a paintball bullet over his clean shirt... Everything stopped like the matrix and even the dog ceased its attack and ran back in.
"Thanks mate!" Was all Joe could say, as he looked down at the mess. Half an hour of wiping it off and apologies, we finally continued our task. Joe hobbled and looked more and more nautious evertime his nostrils picked up the scent from his shirt. Anyway we continued on our way, trying to rush as much of it as possible, when the worst happened. I had just come out of his flat and was heading downstairs to get more bin liners of clothes when I tripped on nothing. I jogged over a few steps to regain my balance, but continued on a downward spiral. My face hit the dodgy corner by the second floor, and lost my trainer in the process. I was lying on my back on the second landing with my Joe who had followed me all the way down, bent over looking down at me.
"Fuck bro! That was mad!" He giggled as he struggled to lift my bruised body. Bloody corner!!, bloody shoe!!, bloody third floor!!!! Oh and if you think that was not bad enough!!! I truly am the most accident prone person, 'cos as soon as Joe got me up, I felt dizzy and lost my balance as I tried to comprehend why my left foot could feel the cold stone floors of the stairs, my body tipped itself sideways and I fell again pulling Joe with me!!! So there I was, with Joe laying next to me at the bottom of the ground floor, laying on boxes of Joes books. I saw my life flashing before me as I tumbled with Joe screaming in my ear, calling out for his mother, the Virgin Mary and Dear Blessed God! And in the end all I got was...
"You shit!! This was my last clean shirt," My back is seriously hurting and I think I bust my tailbone 'cos it feels like I've forgotten to walk in a straight line!!!! I kind of shimmy sideways!! I can't bend over, not even to tie my shoelace and my neck is in a brace that makes me look like one of the Addams family. I also had Joes entire golf club collection follow me down and crash into my face, giving me a black eye and another chipped tooth. Nice, nice. Not to mention the golf balls that crashed into my throat, smashing into my addams apple. I coughed for ages as I couldn't talk or breath! Oh and to top it all off, Joe got off with a dog bite and a bruised toe. Not one golf club or ball hit him.
Life really does suck!!!
