If anyone out there in the real world ever watches the Simpsons, then you must have watched at least one episode of the Family Guy. It is probably one of the most hilarious programmes around and if you don't want to take my word for it then read on to some of Stewies quotes...
Quotes from Stewie Griffin of Family Guy. You may find these Family Guy quotes really funny. Or downright sacrilegious. Be warned about these Family Guy quotes. Stewie Griffin is not your stereotypical baby. In fact, of all the Family Guy quotes, Stewie Griffin's quotes can be quite shocking for most people!!!
Stewie to his mother (Lois):
"Damn you vile woman, you've impeded my work since the day I escaped your vile womb!"
"The breakfast thing. Yes. It wasn't even about the eggs, really. Frankly, I like the yolks. I don't... I have no problem... it's just there's always been a lot of tension between Lois and me. And it's not so much I want to "kill" her. It's just I want her not to be alive anymore. Uh... I sometimes wonder if all women are this difficult. And then I think to myself, "My God! Wouldn't it be marvelous if I turned out to be a homosexual?"
Stewie to ice cream man:
"No sprinkles. For every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you."
Stewie: [To ticket agent]
"Now look here...[looks at agent's name tag] Stewie: Jo-LENE. I have an army to raise and I must get to Managua at once. I require a window seat and an in-flight Happy Meal. BUT NO PICKLES. OH, GOD HELP YOU IF I FIND PICKLES."
Stewie: [After Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style"]
"Damn you, Damn the Broccoli, and Damn the Wright Brothers."
"Isn't it funny how they say "life is like a box of chocolates"? Well in your case, dear mother, life is like a box of active grenades!"
"Oh, forgive me for not being one of those anorexic babies from the diaper commercials."
Stewie [while his dad (Peter) is changing Stewie] "No, you idiot. That's not baby powder, that's paprika. Ahhhh! Take that."
"Stewie, come complete our rainbow. Stewie to baby sitter: "I've got a better idea. Let's go play "swallow the stuff under the sink."
"Oh I feel so delightfully white trash. Mommy, I want a mullet."
"Hi. Cookie?" Stewie to friend: Well, it's Stewie, but... you can call me "cookie" if you like. Yes, I also answer to "Artemis," "Agent Buckwald" and "Snake." Yes, I rather like "Snake." "Snake Griffin."
Stewie: [Picking up the phone.] "Hello, operator. Hello... Oh god, that's right you have to punch in the numbers nowadays. Uhhh, I should know this. Oh yes,[dialing number]Stewie: 867-5309, yes that's it. Wait that's not it, damn you Tommy Two-Tone. Huh, only one thing to do 111-1111, Lois? Damn. 111-1112 Lois? DAMN. 111-1113..."
Stewie to Butlers. "You. Fetch me my copy of the Wall Street Journal. You two, fight to the death."
Stewie: Hmm, time for dessert. Let's see - big chocolate cake for Stewie,[holds up a leaf to Chris his brother ]Stewie: and something very tasty for big, fat you."
Waitress: "Here you go, fella. From Flappy himself.Stewie: I don't care if they...[Stewie is force-fed a bite of pancakes]Stewie: Oh... oh these are delectable. Hey, Flappy. Good news. I've decided not to kill you."
[during a smoking conference]Stewie: "Baby needs to suck ash. Baby needs to suck ash. Not ass, you pervert. Save it for the interns."
"Cut my eggs." Butler: [cuts eggs] Your eggs are cut sir. Stewie: "Cut my milk!" Butler: I can’t sir, it’s liquid. Stewie: "Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it, and if you question me again I’ll put you on diaper detail and I promise I won’t make it easy for you."
[watching cheerleaders change in a locker room]Stewie: It appears my wee-wee's been stricken with rigor mortis."
"Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here."
" I say mother, this hotdog has been on my plate a full minute and it hasn't yet cut itself."
"I love God. He's so deliciously evil."
[Lois is washing Stewie's hair in the sink]Stewie: Careful. It's 'gently rub the scalp', not 'scrub like you're trying to get the vomit out of a Christmas dress', you stupid holiday drunk.
[While trying to potty-train Stewie]Peter: Maybe you don't have to pee. I'll just give you some beer, it'll run right through you.
" Beautiful. And while we're at it we can light up a dubey and watch porn." Peter (Stewies dad) : "Rea...Really?"
"What the duece are you staring at? It's tunafish. And nothing else."
"Victory is mine!" (footstep sounds)(explosion) "Ahh! Blast you all!"
Lois: "Stewie, why don't you play in the other room?" Stewie: "Why don't you fry in Hades!?" Lois: Well! No dessert for you young man!"
"Who the hell do you think you are?"
"Excellent, the weather machine is nearly completed. What do you say to that broccoli? STOP MOCKING ME!"
After being asked by Ernie from Sesame Street if he can count to 3, Stewie replies, "Oh, indeed I can! One! Two! Three! (Laser shots). Can I count to three? For God's sakes! I'm already shooting at a 5th grade level!"
"Oh blast you and your estrigenical treachery!"
"I offer you one last chance for deliverance! Return my mind control device...or be destroyed!"
Stewie: "But of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply delayed plans to escape from the cursed ovarian bastille! Return the device woman!" Lois: "No toys, Stewie!" Stewie: "Very well then! Mark my words! When you least expect it, your uppance will come!"
Stewie: "Well well mother! (dun dun dun!) We meet again!" Lois: "Stewie? I thought I tucked you in an hour ago!" Stewie: "Not tightly enough as it seems! Now, you contemptable harpy, I shall end your oppressive reign of matriarchal tyranny!"
Stewie to the broccoli: "Forcast for tomorrow, a few sprinkles of genius with a chance of DOOM!"
"I say! Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces?"
"Blast you! You're one of them aren't you? What are they paying you? I'll double it! I'll give you whatever you want! Money! Women! Men?!"
"There, I've gone and soiled myself. Are you happy now?"
"The only way you'll get me to talk is through slow, painful torture and I don't think you've got the grapes!"
"You will bow to me!"
Lois: "Bye bye Stewie! Mommy will be upstairs to kiss you goodnight!" Stewie: "Burn in hell!"
"Oh! Enough! The only thing worse than the wretched pain in my mouth is the excrement spewing from yours!"
"No it's not alright! For the love of God, shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!"
"(drunk) Hello mother! Care to partake in one of your oh-so-exhilarating games of peek-a-boo?"
"Ah! Put me down you problemagean(?) blunderbuss!"
"Silence you contemptable shrew!"
"Hows about shutting the hell up!"
"Silence! Ever since you two met you've done nothing but wax idiotic!"
