Have any of you put a hot muzzle up under some idiots chin, heard the skin sizzle, then smelt it and then thought 'I should sure go for some bacon...'

Homeless woman part 2
Went out walking with my niece when I saw the homeless woman that gives me grief every time I see her! 'Hey!' I thought. 'I have a cunning plan...' Half an hour later, I was still beating the crap out of the her, with my nieces Winnie the Pooh teddy bear. Hey, she wanted it, I didn't want her to have it, but she upped the ante with her uncomprehensive jibberish!! My niece was sucking her thumb, wondering in her 6 month old mind what her uncle was doing. I had been thudding Pooh bear, nose first, into the crazy bitchs matted hair, slamming it close as Pooh continued to scream... ' Pooh wants a hug...' and 'Watch me walk'. Yeah bitch hug Pooh!!! Every time Pooh bounced painfully off her head, it startled my niece, to my continued amusement. After a while the savage bitch wanted to swipe my toy and everytime she managed to grab it she would hand it to my niece like she had misplaced it!!!!! This is fun!!
So, there I am, cheerfully whapping the snot out of another homeless person with a teddy bear, my niece hugging me and laughing while the homeless tree hugger screamed like banshee (Still seated and reading her book) and my sister steps in and takes Pooh bear from me, and ruins everything.
Party Pooper!!!!!
"Wars have never hurt anybody except the people who die..." Salvador Dali.

Chat rooms

Why some people shouldn't really go to chat rooms. Probably the funniest exert recording, laughed so much I hurt myself!!!!
sweet17: Hi
bloodninja: hello
bloodninja: who is this?
sweet17: just a someone?
bloodninja: A someone I know?
sweet17: nope
bloodninja: Then why the hell are you bothering me?
sweet17: well sorrrrrry
sweet17: I just wanted to chat with you
bloodninja: why?
sweet17: nevermind your an jerk
bloodninja: Hey wait a minute
sweet17: yes?
bloodninja: look I'm sorry. I'm just a little paranoid
sweet17: paranoid?
bloodninja: yes
sweet17: of what?
sweet17: me?
bloodninja: No. I'm in hiding.
sweet17: LOL
bloodninja: Don't ******* laugh at me!
bloodninja: This **** is serious!
sweet17: What are you hiding from?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: gimme a ******* break
bloodninja: I'm serious.
sweet17: I don't get it
bloodninja: The cops are after me.
sweet17: For what?
bloodninja: I'm wanted in three states
sweet17: For???
bloodninja: It's kindof embarrasing.
bloodninja: I had sex with a turkey.
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You are ******* sick.
bloodninja: Send me your picture.
sweet17: why?
bloodninja: so I know you aren't one of them.
sweet17: One of what?
bloodninja: The cops.
sweet17: I'm not a cop i told you
bloodninja: Then send me your picture.
sweet17: hold on
bloodninja: Hurry up.
bloodninja: Are you there?
bloodninja: **** you, cop!
sweet17: Hey sorry
sweet17: I had to do something for my mom.
bloodninja: I thought you were trying to find a picture to send to me.
bloodninja: When really you were notifying the authorities.
bloodninja: Weren't you!?
sweet17: thats not it
bloodninja: Then what?
sweet17: I don't want to send you the picture cause I'm not pretty
bloodninja: Most cops aren't
sweet17: IM NOT A ******* COP YOU ********!
bloodninja: Then send me the picture.
sweet17: fine. What's your e-mail?
bloodninja: Just send it through here.
sweet17: alright *PIC*
sweet17: Did you get it?
bloodninja: Hold on. I'm looking.
sweet17: That was me back in may
sweet17: I've lost weight since then.
bloodninja: I hope so
sweet17: what?!?
sweet17: that hurt my feelings.
bloodninja: Did it?
sweet17: Yes. I'm not that much smaller than that now.
bloodninja: Will it make you feel better if I send you my picture?
sweet17: yes
bloodninja: Alright let me find it.
sweet17: kks
bloodninja: Okay here it is. *PIC*
sweet17: this isn't you.
bloodninja: I'll be damned if it ain't!
sweet17: You don't look like that.
bloodninja: How the hell do you know?
sweet17: cause your profile has another picture.
bloodninja: The profile pic is a fake.
bloodninja: I use it to hide from the cops.
sweet17: You look like the Farm Fresh guy lol
bloodninja: Well, you look like you ATE the Farm Fresh guy....
bloodninja: Not to mention all the groceries.
sweet17: Go **** yourself
bloodninja: I was going to until I saw that picture
bloodninja: Now my unit won't get hard for a week.
sweet17: I shouldn't have sent you that picture.
sweet17: You've done nothing but slam me.
sweet17: you hurt me.
bloodninja: And calling me the Farm Fresh guy doesn't hurt me?
sweet17: I thought you were bullcrapping me!
bloodninja: Why would I do that?
sweet17: I can't believe that cops are after you
bloodninja: I can't believe Santa lets you sit on his lap..
sweet17: **** YOU!!!
bloodninja: You'd break both of his legs.
sweet17: You're a ******* *******!
sweet17: I've been teased my whole life because of my weight
sweet17: and you make fun of me when you don't even know me
bloodninja: Ok. I'm sorry.
sweet17: No you aren't
bloodninja: You're right. I'm not.
bloodninja: HAARRRRR!
sweet17: I'm done with you
bloodninja: Aww. I'm sorry.
sweet17: I'm putting you on ignore
bloodninja: Wait a sec
bloodninja: We got off on the wrong foot.
bloodninja: Wanna start over?
sweet17: No
bloodninja: I'll eat your kitty
sweet17: You'll what?
bloodninja: You heard me
bloodninja: I said I'd eat your kitty.
sweet17: I thought you said you couldn't get it hard after seeing my picture
bloodninja: Do I need a hard-on to eat your kitty?
sweet17: I'd like to know that the man eating me out is excited yes
bloodninja: Well I'm not like most men.
bloodninja: I get excited in different ways.
sweet17: Like what?
bloodninja: Do you really wanna know?
sweet17: I don't know
bloodninja: You have to tell me yes or no
sweet17: I'm afraid to
bloodninja: Why?
sweet17: cause
bloodninja: cause why?
sweet17: well lets see
sweet17: you say you have sex with turkeys. You call me fat. then you wanna eat me out
sweet17: doesn't that seem strange to you?
bloodninja: Nope
sweet17: well its strange to me
bloodninja: Fine. I won't do it if you don't want me to
sweet17: I didn't say that
bloodninja: So is that a yes?
sweet17: I guess so.
bloodninja: Ok. I need your help getting excited though.
bloodninja: Are you willing?
sweet17: What do you need me to do?
loodninja: I need you talk like a pirate.
sweet17: ???
bloodninja: When I start to go limp... you say "HARRRR!!!"
bloodninja: ok?
bloodninja: Hello?
sweet17: You can't be serious
bloodninja: Oh yes I am!
bloodninja: It's my fantasy.
sweet17: this is retarded
bloodninja: Do you want it or not?
sweet17: Yes I want it.
bloodninja: Then you'll do it for me?
sweet17: sure
bloodninja: Ok. Here we go.
bloodninja: I gently remove your panties and begin to massage your thighs.
bloodninja: You get really juicy thinking about my tongue brushing up against them
bloodninja: I softly begin to tongue your wet kitty.
bloodninja: I run my tongue up and down your smooth ****.
sweet17: mmmm yeah
bloodninja: uh oh ...going limp.
sweet17: Har
bloodninja: You gotta do better than that!
bloodninja: Your picture was really bad.
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: Ahhhh. Much better. I feel your kitty get more moist with every stroke.
bloodninja: I softly suck on your **** bringing it in and out of my mouth.
bloodninja: Your juices run down my chin as your scent makes its way to my nose.
bloodninja: I begin to feel empowered by your femininity.
sweet17: mmmmmm you are good
bloodninja: I feel your thighs tighten as I **** harder
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: HARRRRRRR
bloodninja: Mmmm I grab your swelling buttocks in my hands.
bloodninja: You begin to sway back and forth.
bloodninja: going limp
sweet17: this is stupid
bloodninja: ...still limp
bloodninja: Do it!
sweet17: HARRRRRRRRRRRRR
bloodninja: I turn you around to lick your *******.
bloodninja: I pry apart that battleship you call your ass.
bloodninja: I see poo nuggets hanging from the hair around your ass.
sweet17: WTF?!?!?
bloodninja: They stink really bad.
sweet17: OMG STOP!!!
bloodninja: I start to get fed up with your ugly ass
bloodninja: I tear off your wooden peg leg.
bloodninja: I ram it up your ass.
sweet17: YOURE A ******* PYSCHO!!
bloodninja: Then I pour hot caramel over your head.
bloodninja: And turn you into a ******* candy apple...
bloodninja: I kick you in the face!
sweet17: **** YOU *******!!
bloodninja: The celluloid from your cheeks hits the side of the cabin...
bloodninja: Your parrot flys away.
bloodninja: ...going limp again.
bloodninja: Hello?
bloodninja: Say it!
bloodninja: HAARRRRRR!!!!!

Joke of the day

Joke sent in by Piero 'the saint' ..............................................A blonde girls calls her boyfriend in tears. Absolutely beside herself. "whats wrong?" asks the concerned boyfriend "I cant do this damn jigsaw puzzle. I have tried and tried but I can t get it to look like the picture on the box!" "what is the picture of?" asks the boyfriend "A tiger" sobs the girl "ok I will have a look later" said the sympathetic boyfriend. At home the girlfriend has become so frustrated she threw all the peices on the floor. With that, the boyfriend comes home to a bit of a mess. He calls to her and she goes to the mess in the kitchen. He holds up the box and asks "Is this the picture sweetheart?" "Yes " she sobs The boyfriend took her in his arms and hugged her tightly. "I love you very much sweetheart. Now lets put the Frosties back in the box........!"
"Courage is being scared to death - but still saddling up anyway!" John Wayne.

Sniper alley

Got all stressed when I got up here earlier and thought I would have calmed down by now, but I haven't!!! Couldn't stop thinking about the smelly peasant. So I went out again to try and find her. Life's too cool!! She was standing by her "favourite" tree smoking a cigarette she had aquired from the ground, standing there under the moonlight, with an extra mud stained jumper on, speaking to herself. Most people ignore her, but other encourage her ravings, as the "mad woman", as many have named her, continued to read a book of the Princess' Bride. "Princess Buttercup" , she called herself as I approached, gazed over at me crossing her arms. She starting gobbling some incoherent mock language at me, made up nonsense syllables that actually did sound a bit like a foreign heathen tongue. Amazing for a homeless nutter!!!
Well, having just got back from a verbal abuse earlier, I wanted revenge. I walked closer and she continued to talk crap at me, her arms still crossed over her chest, looking very grim, and boldly announced to me that she was "Princess Buttercup!" I turned my hand into a gun and announced that I was "A sniper!" and then I shot her and she turned and fell down onto the ground in a heap!!! Mad, crazy bitch!!! I thought to myself... My sister screamed at me from the apartment window to "stop picking on the poor helpless woman," as she called her. Not so helpless a couple of hours ago, was she????? Anyway, my attention turned back to Princess Buttercup, who had recovered from her imaginary bullet wound. She stared at me, I stared at her down my imaginary scope and fired..... I shot her again and she spun round on her left heel, collapsing once again on the floor. My sister stared at me in disgust as she appeared from nowhere and ran to help the "poor helpless woman."
"What do you call this?" she pointed down at her, refusing to touch any part of her blackened clothes. "Good shooting!" I smiled, turning my back and returning home...

Confused Anarchy?????

I got into an arguement today with some pussy footed, left wind, Commie sucking, anarchist type, long haired, tree hugging fuck wit!!! Yes, yes, I know... They say that swearing alot means that you have a small vocabulary!!! Well I say to you... I know my fair share of words and I still prefer: Fuck Off. Right back to business. So this woman (If you even care to call her a woman!!) called me a Nazi!!! Me?? A Nazi?? Well, paint me black and call me a badger. Just because I said I supported a few political views from the right wing members of the community doesn't make me a Nazi. She started preaching the greatness of Carl Marx and Lenin when half of the coffee shop was filled with skin heads!! What a night! She starts pointing out every Communist ideal, trying to convince me to turn to the hammer and sickle!! ME!!! Well after ten minutes of verbal diarreah from this two bit tuna smelling, number one friend of the earth and Stalin love child, I had to walk away.... But would she leave it alone?? Nah!! With her unwashed hair flowing in the wind in clumps, scratching her crotch through her jeans (which wasn't a pleasant sight) she continues her bombardment on me and how she still keeps her love letter sent to her by Che Guavara. Well another ten minutes of quite a viloent verbal exchange, she backs down and returns to her house, outside in an old, piss stained cardboard box under the tree.......... Hoorah for Communism!!!!

Email 4

Four very funny emails sent in by Pierro 'the Saint, Santos.... Cheers buddy........ Happy Burthday, for Tuesday, by the way!!!!

...................SOME OF LIFE'S IMPORTANT QUESTIONS :............
1 Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
2 Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
3 Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
4 Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?
5 Why do they use sterilised needles for death by lethal injection?
6 Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
7 Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a gun at him?
8 Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
9 Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
10 What is the speed of darkness?
11 Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at The Special Olympics?
12 If you send someone 'Styrofoam', how do you pack it?
13 If the temperature is zero outside today and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
14 If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
15 If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
16 Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
17 If someone with a split personality threatens to commit suicide, is it a hostage situation?
18 Can you cry under water?
19 What level of importance must a person have, before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
20 If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
21 Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
22 How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on bigger suitcases?
23 Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
24 If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
25 Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

"War is not nice." Barbara Bush.

Email 3

After having their 11th child, a Scouse couple decided that was> enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. , , The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the ,world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me "Trust me,, it will do the job" said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle and parts of Wales.

Email 2

Dunno how many of you shop at Sainsbury’s Supermarkets, but this may be useful to know. I am posting this to you to warn you of something that happened to me as I am a victim of the latest scam at a store while shopping the other day…This happened at the Sainsbury’s by me and it could happen to you. Here's how the scam works: Two good looking 18 year old girls come to your car as you are leaving while you are placing your packages on the floor of the front seat. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex while the other comes to your window saying "Hi" while bending over with her breasts almost coming out of her blouse. It will be impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and beg you for a ride to another Sainsbury’s store. You agree and tell them to sit in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet. I was assaulted last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday, but I couldn't find them Saturday or Sunday. Be careful…...............................
"Fear is victories fuel.." Albert Speer.

Email 1

Four very funny emails sent in by Pierro 'The Saint, Santos'....................................................

IF MOVIES TEACH US ANYTHING...............................1. If being chased through town, you can usually take cover in a passing StPatrick's Day parade - at any time of the year..........................2. All beds have special L-shaped top sheets that reach up to armpit level on a woman but only waist level on the man lying beside her..............................3. All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.............................4. Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving............................5. The ventilation system of any building is a perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building without difficulty......................6. Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German officer, it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German accent will do....................7. The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window of any building in Paris...................8. A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds......................9. When paying for a taxi, never look at your wallet as you take out a note- just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.................10. If you lose a hand, it will cause the stump of your arm to grow by 15cm.....................11. Mothers routinely cook eggs, bacon and waffles for their family every morning, even though the husband and children never have time to eat them. The Mother will not be upset by this.......................12. Cars and trucks that crash will almost always burst into flames........................13. A single match will be sufficient to light up a room the size of afootball stadium.........................14. Medieval peasants had perfect teeth............................15. All single women have a cat.............................16. Any person waking from a nightmare will sit bolt upright and pant.......................17. One man shooting at 20 men has a better chance of killing them all than 20 men firing at one........................18. Creepy music coming from a graveyard should always be closely investigated.........................19. Most people keep a scrapbook of newspaper cuttings - especially if any of their family or friends has died in a strange boating accident.........................20. It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessor............................21. During a very emotional confrontation, instead of facing the person youare speaking to, it is customary to stand behind them and talk to their back.........................22. When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your room will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish........................23. Dogs always know who's bad and will naturally bark at them..............................24. When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other..............................25. Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their arch-enemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gases, lasers and man eating sharks that will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape..........................26. Having a job of any kind will make all fathers forget their son's eighth birthday...........................27. Many musical instruments - especially wind instruments and accordions -can be played without moving the fingers...........................28. All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off............................29. It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.........................30. A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty...............................31. If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps. -------------------- "War is one of the scourges with which it has pleased God to afflict men." Cardinal Richelieu

Rant about rants...(in response to an anonymous email I received)

You know what? Some people are mean. Some people derive pleasure from making others uncomfortable or pointing out so-called flaws. Boo fucking hoo!!!! That's life. Life's tough, wear a bloody helmet!!! You know, people annoy me, specially the homeless, they stink!!! Also, people who try to be funny by taking the piss out of you and then can't handle the pressure when you fight back!!! You need to be able to deal with the people who upset you the most. Be it through humor, fighting back, or simply ignoring them. Personally, I have a sharp enough tongue and a mind to match, so I find it more satisfying to engage and fight back. Ultimately, it's waste of time and I acknowledge that. But I don't believe it's a waste of energy. Some of my funniest rants and creative writing have been brought forth or coaxed out in response to some dumbass making false statements or just being an idiot. If you do let them get to you, it's because you enjoy being the victim!!! So don't come crying when I shout abuse back at you, be a man and take it on the chin!!! Simple.
............................ "Sometimes they'll give a war and nobody will come..." - Carl Sandburg.