What the war was about. Funny jokes on the Iraq war

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ...
Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favours, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well." —David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" —Jay Leno

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way — it's Operation George Gone Wild." —Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." —Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." —David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know we don't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species.... They're going to use sea lions to guard the ships and dolphins to locate the mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won't help us, the French poodle." —Jay Leno

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says, 'Bush Is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass." —Dennis Miller

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

New York, New York

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides toeverytriangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligentor profound statement by the president.

Sent in by Ben...

Call it what you like, I still rule!!!!

Those of you that know me, will know of my ultimate goal. My dreams for a better country, ruled by one man and his ideals. But although you have always heard me babble on the subject you have never heard of how I would rule.

Here are my 14 easy steps to government control.

1- Powerful and Continuing Nationalism

My regime will tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2- Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights

Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in my regime are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people will tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3- Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause

The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4- Supremacy of the Military

Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and if need be, the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5- Rampant Sexism

The governments of my nation tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under my regime, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.

6- Controlled Mass Media

The media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, will be very common.

7- Obsession with National Security

Fear will be used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8- Religion and Government are Intertwined.

The government in my nation will tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology will be common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.

9- Corporate Power is Protected

The industrial and business aristocracy often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10- Labour Power is Suppressed

Because the organizing power of labour is the only real threat to any government, labour unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11- Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts

My nation will tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It will not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and the government will often refuse to fund the arts.

12- Obsession with Crime and Punishment

Under my regime, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people will be often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There will be a national police force with virtually unlimited power in my nation.

13- Rampant Cronyism and Corruption

My regime will almost always be governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability.

14- Fraudulent Elections

Sometimes elections in my nation will be held, but only for the world wide media. These elections will be manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. My nation will also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Pulling on the boots...

Pulling on the boots,
and breaking up the laces,
shaving our head,
and strapping on the braces.

There you have a skinhead,
looking for a fight,
skinhead, skinhead,
running through the night.

skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
panic not to fight.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
get it on the wrist.

making for the lane way,
waiting for the scum,
smash their yellow faces,
kick them up the bum.

When they think we´re pussies,
we will show them none,
skinhead, skinhead,
until the job is done.

Skinhead, skinhead,
putting in the boot,
looking for a street fight,
looking for a route.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the place,
skinhead, skinhead,
stomping on your face.

When the coppers see us,
at first they go for a gun,
but when they see us come to war,
it´s then they start to run.

When we wear our badges,
it makes us real proud,
skinhead, skinhead,
shout it out loud.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
starting lots of fights.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
paint it on the wrist.

skinhead, skinhead....

Movie goodness

I watched a film last night, which at first I thought might be promising. The film was called "Death Train" or the "Train of Death" or something along those lines... Anyway ten minutes into the movie I already had doubts that it would turn out to be any good. Firstly the train was full of monks and nuns on their way to a pilgrimage to Loures. "Hold on a minute?" I thought out loud. "This is going to be shite!"
Well I wasn´t disapointed, the train had been taken over by a band of terrorists, from South Africa I think, who had escaped with a highly toxic and deadly virus.
"Ok, so I´ll give this a chance, maybe they´ll be a massive virus charged death train full of brain hungry zombies dressed as monks who will rampage across the French countryside." Nah!!! The international anti terrorist police made a couple of apearences to try and save the day but did fuck all except get themselves killed and their helicopters shot down by stinger missiles. So it was left to two monks, whom I forgot to mention were part of Secret Papacy Organisation, called the Pugnus Dei. "Pugnus Dei?" I said trying to recollect my latin. "Fists of God???????????????? This is definitely going to be shite!"
These two dipshits, one of them a former U.N. soldier that fought in Bosnia (as you would expect!) battled their way to save the day by giving everyone an antidote to the deadly virus, through the miracle of the bread of Christ! That´s right, that white round disk thingy you eat at church.
In the end of the day the main monk was a martial arts expert who killed three of the terrorists and then worked his way to the leader and rammed the train against his escaping helicopter. (Told you it was shite!) Honestly, who comes up with these lame stories? Producers and directors have seriously got to be desperate to even consider making a film like this. I mean I thought that "Plan Nine from Outer Space" was considered to be the worst film ever made, critics should keep their eyes open for this beauty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who take life too seriously...

Ok, so I've been all nationalistic and serious recently, so I apologise...
Here is something to lighten the mood...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psychokinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you' re in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The Geneva Convention.

"July 18 2003: Tony Blair and George Bush will publish a joint statement today about the two Britons facing a military trial in Cuba for fighting in Iraq, causing speculation that Washington has agreed to a series of demands made by Downing Street."

We’ve been hearing a lot about the "Geneva Convention" and how it relates to those buttbags in Guantanomo bay. As some of you may be unfamiliar with this convention, I have gone through some painstaking "research" to make things easier for you to understand when someone talks about it. Are you ready to take notes?

* At the Geneva Convention, it cost $15 at the door to get an all-day pass that included a souvenir mug. Nice, nice...

* Not to be confused with the Bassmaster’s Convention of 1965, Geneva does allow you to fish using dynamite.

* The Geneva Convention pin is still a collector’s item in Geneva.

* Spain does not have to follow the rules of engagement because following the rules requires a country to actually fight. (Remember Iraq and the Madrid train bombing?)

* It does provide a clause for how to properly wave a white flag.

* The clause is only in Spanish. No other translation has been requested.

* If you stare at the cover of the rulebook, you can see the Spanish King on the toilet drinking a puppy smoothie.

* Don Kings hair breaks 15 rules of the convention.

* Chuck Norris breaks 85 of them - with a roundhouse kick.

* There are 58,359 rules listed from the convention, but no one except the United States has to follow them.

My friend told me a good story once...

When he was in the military he was put in a hypothetical situation. If an enemy ambushed and killed 15 of your men, ran out of ammunition, and just gave up, what would I do?
He replied that he would shoot them. The Lieutenant, being a little flustered, reminded him that it would be against the Geneva Convention if he did such a thing. He returned the favour by reminding him that he didn’t sign it and, therefore, did not care what the Swiss assholes come up with for rules of war.

Needless to say, he wasn’t in the military long after that.

I´m a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker, mother fucker...

Iraqi rebels admits they weren’t expecting such a response over the kidnapping of two Allied soldiers. I’ve got three words to say…

Stupid dumb fucks!!

It looks to me that the usual response - you kidnap a couple of our people, we shoot a couple of your people, we negotiate releases - doesn’t work very well. So Iraqi rebels decided to try a new approach. You kidnap our people again, we’ll bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you beg for mercy. Then we’ll still bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you no longer exist and the country becomes a worst desert than it already is.

Awesome!!

This is how war is, retards. Let me try and explain it in a way you can understand... Think of it on a smaller scale. If you slap me across the face, I will most likely shoot you between the eyes. Does that seem fair? Nope - but guess how many people have slapped me across the face. Just guess.

On a larger scale, this means that the rest of the Middle East will think twice before doing something stupid to Allied troops and civilians. Think about it. Israel has yet two things :
to ask the US for help, or drop The Bomb.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a mushroom cloud in my lifetime. Of course, I’d prefer somewhere not close to me. The whole glowing-in-the-dark thing would really bother me when I’m trying to sleep.

Death at the traffic lights

Traffic was worse than usual, school aren´t back from their holidays and so everyone has decided to cut across Lisbon to get to the beach. It´s hot again as per usual and my car was made in the pre air conditioned days. I’m sitting gazing at a red traffic light, at the front of the queue sweating like a twelve year old in a room full of peadophiles, when in the corner of my eye I see something head across the road.

She didn’t wait for the red light, didn't press the button for the crossing, just picked a gap in the crossing traffic and took off. Where were the parents? Nobody else around to stop her but then it’s too late.

The driver had no chance, he struck her with a glancing blow, and a small body is flung over the bonet and back across the road. With luck she would have survived, but the odds were against her. The final blow, a large Cherokee Jeep coming the other way, crushed her in the opposite direction and into the tarmac, just another victim of the mighty automobile.

In 15 seconds, while my light was red, a tiny butterfly fluttered by and landed on my windscreen, I turn the wipers on and it dies too.

It’s strange what you notice on the way to work!!!!

How the war was won, or not...

I was never against the war in Iraq. However I was against the way it was fought from the beginning. A blitz to Baghdad without securing the country as it was taken was a mistake as was not disarming the population. I understand that the administration thought that the Shiite would welcome the Allies with open arms. They did and then said get your asses back home so we can get our revenge on the Sunni. And make no mistake-the Shiite will get their revenge on the Sunni and the Kurds may get their revenge on both. I do not like half stepping into war. It just gets people needlessly killed. War should be conducted ruthlessly and totally or not at all. Anyone who is not in uniform and has a weapon must be shot on sight and no questions asked. There should never be a negotiated peace-only a peace that comes about by total surrender. Otherwise we get a peace that will last only long enough for the enemy to regroup and fight again. It is probably to late now to change the way the occupation is being conducted and our only hope is that one faction or another can gain enough control of a new Iraqi government that we can say we won and then go home and let the three factions duke it out until one comes up a winner--and maybe kills off about half the population while doing it. If I sound pessimistic it is because I am. The allies have the best trained, most capable, and strongest military on this earth. But no military can win a war the way this one is being fought. When it comes right down to it we have won the war and lost the peace because there is no one to turn the government over to and we didn't demand total surrender so we could establish one ourselves. Half stepping never gets you a victory. So, you ask, is there an answer? Yes, I tell you but you may not like it. A massive build up of Allied troops with an intense training program to train Iraqi forces for six months. The Iraqi government, such as it is, must be informed that we are pulling out and the ball is in your half of the court. We have trained your troops and we have provided you with the means to defend yourselves against the bad guys. We won, and we are going home. We have informed Syria and Iran to keep thier ragheaded butts out of it or we will flatten them like a pancake too. It is all up to you. And if you fuck with us we will come back and take your asses out just like we did Saddam. We did it once and we can do it again. Now get your Goddamed oil fields producing and we will all be happy again!!!!

Bored!!!

Ever have one of those days when you just wanted to grab your passport and jet off to a random country just to get away for a while? No plans, no set destination, just grab your well worn leather overnight bag and browse the departures until you find something interesting? Airport roulette as it were. A grand adventure in the spirit of Indiana Jones. No reservations, just a desire to explore and conquer with a well worn backpack, a M60 and a handfull of grenades!!!

I’m having one of those days today.

Only I doubt that I’d be allowed thorough airport security with an arsenal of weapons these days. Instead, I’m stuck at the house dealing with painters today. Which is an intense shot of the mundane. And its not quite what I’d like to be doing today. (Although I’m not really sure WHAT I’d like to be doing. I’m thinking something that doesnt involve foul smelling toxic paint.) Either way, I’m stuck here instead. Which thrills me to no end. I just need a couple of hours out somewhere. Maybe out in the car on an abandoned road, gunning down unwelcomed residents to the area. Just time to roll the windows down turn the stereo up and just scream up a winding road, RATATATAT!!!!!! (that´s my machine gun impression!!!). No to do list, no painters, no discussion of colour coordination. Just quality time burning up some premium gas at speeds just on the outside of “responsible”. Either that or I need to take a toy car out with a water pistol and just cruise a little and unwind. Some quality time with a big hunk of vintage japanese iron car and an American weapon of some sort.

Or perhaps I’ll just take a nap and see if I’m more motivated after that.

English is a strange language!!

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two pence in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure.

Chrissy C. A guy with a lousy sense of direction...

Once upon a time there was an Italian guy named Chris Columbus. Being a bit of a rogue, he eventually had to escape his homeland and ended up in Portugal. It was rumoured that there he acquired an ancient route, discovered by a Portuguese explorer to a new land. (But that´s another story) Anyway other rumours, while in Spain, he was having a mad affair with Queen Isabella, much to the chagrin of King Philip. Chris had a grand scheme on how to get oughta town fast.......
Pleading for Ships
"Izzie, honey, gimme a few ships; I'm gonna rock on to India, loot that land and bring back every exotic spice I can find and beside I'm a thinkin' Philip is royally cheesed off." (or words to that effect)
Izzie said,
"Cool, go for it." (well, maybe not in those exact words.)

So one day in 1492, Chris set sail with a few little ships, the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, explorer, Atlantis and the Enterprise (Something to that effect, anyway!!!!). As time went on, it became clear that our intrepid explorer couldn't tell the difference between a Sex Pot and a Sextant. He eventually sank his flagship, the Santa Maria, but that's also another story. As a result he sailed west instead of east. He ended up a very lo-o-o-ong way from his original destination, India, of course being in the opposite direction. Sigh!!!! (Or did he????)
By the time young Chris arrived on the shores of what is know today as the Dominican Republic, (he called it Hispanola), his men were starving and diseased.
"India, India, Ave Maria, I'm in India !" gasped Senor Rocket Scientist as he staggered on shore.

As he pointed to the tall, elegant, copper-skinned People who were waiting to greet him, he wrongfully concluded,
"And, you are Indians, Ave Maria (again), you are Indians!! we've reached the promised land!." Er-r-r No Chris.
Note ever having seen a white man never mind one who spoke Italian, The People just smiled, and set about saving the lives of Chris and his men.

STOP WITH THE FOLLOWING MYTH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many folks think, for some reason, that Chris and the lads made it to Canada and the United States. NO NO NO NO - Never did, he was lucky he found his way to Hispanola. He went there four times between 1491-1496 - never set foot on North American soil - GIVE THIS MYTH A REST!

What is sadly ironic is the fact that even though young Chris never made it to North America, the word 'Indian' managed to find its way from the bottom to the top of Turtle Island.

And............

The rest, as they say is history.....

What I´ve been thinking about!!! Fortune Cookies!

Fortune cookies.

A magnificent treat that also provides deep, penetrating insight into your future. Unlike horoscopes, these little tidbits are not vague and all-encompassing... they are specific to you and only you - such as "You will make a rewarding decision."
But all too often these chinese wonders fail to live up to their promise. First off, there's fortunes like "The future holds great things for you." Great! What the hell does that mean? Am I going to find two Euros under my cushion tomorrow? Or am I going to make a squillion Euros without doing any real work in 5 years? How do I know what a cookie considers a great thing? Maybe it considers the fact I'm not eating it a good thing. This statement is highly subjective, especially from a cookie's perspective.

Then, with things like "Pass the bill to the person of your left" (yes, the person of your left!!!) and "You should make a bold business decision," the fortune cookie goes from prophecizing about your future to telling you what to do. It crosses the line between fortune and advice and this is truly disappointing. The last thing I need is a cookie telling me what to do. Do I take advice from a Walkers Crisps? I don't fucking think so!!!!! Why should the fortune cookie get any preferential treatment? If you're not going to tell me about my future, I don't want to hear it. And on a related note, have those "lucky numbers" ever been lucky for anyone? You'd think a self-proclaimed cookie of fortune could give you some real lucky numbers. I mean, if it can't get that right, how am I supposed to believe the fortune/advice it gives me is legit?

And last, who decided the fortune cookie was a cookie? Did they know what a cookie is? Had they seen a cookie before? Because if they had, it'd be pretty glaringly obvious that the fortune cookie, with it's folded shape and hollow inside, did not fit the bill. It's more like a cracker than a cookie, though even that doesn't quite fit. Really, what it all boils down to is this: The fortune cookie is neither a fortune, nor a cookie.

That´s what I´ve been thinking about today!!!!

Immigration again! Another rant!!!

Are you like me?
Are you a little bit irritated when a group of Ukrainians or Pakistanis or Africans or whatever third world country they come from start yappin in their language?
This country needs to establish Portuguese as the official language before it's too late. Learn to speak Portuguese fuckheads!!! It's a good thing I'm not in charge.
I know a Moldavian guy that won't let his kids speak anything but Portuguese outside their house and only Moldavian or whatever language they speak, in their house unless they have guests. His kids speak flawless Portuguese. In todays market being bilingual is big. The better the Portuguese skills the better the job.
If immigrants in this country thought about it for a minute they'd see I'm right. An illegal immigrant comes to Portugal as part of a dream come true. He doesn't want to learn Portuguese because he wants to preserve his heritage. What heritage? The truth is that Portugal conquered most of the world and killed and enslaved the native people. You´ll find a little bit of Portugal in most countries. So regardless of what is in your history books you´ll have part of us in there somewhere. Live up the dream of your past oppressors and speak Portuguese. This is Portugal, live with it or leave it!! It´s that simple!!!!!!!!!!!