Sweet Jesus, NetCabo Guy! I want to cancel my goddamn service!
So I've had an NetCabo, a Portuguese internet and cable account forever. When my sister was living at my apartment, we both paid for the account, and then when I was in England, or whatever, it gave me an "emergency dial-up" to use on the internet. It was a pretty decent strategy. I didn't give a pair of fetid dingo's kidneys about "NetCabo Keywords" or cool NetCabo features, I used it to give me a functioning IP stack in the middle of nowhere, because I can be in a town so small the bus stop is a landmark, and it's still local to an NetCabo dial-up.
When I went up to Viseu though, the NetCabo dialups up there charge a per-minute fee. This is not good, says I, and I find out that W.N.S. or World Network Service does not charge a per-minute fee. Guess who changed "last ditch dialup" providers?
So today I call NetCabo to cancel my service. Henrique (not his real name, of course, but that's what he gave me) asks "How can I make your internet experience more enjoyable?" It was funny to me when I answered "You can cancel my NetCabo account."
He apologizes and asks "why?"
"I travel quite a bit, and I found out in Viseu, NetCabo charges a per-minute fee to get access, and W.N.S does not. Since the monthly fees are the same, this is a no-brainer. NetCabo Loses."
"Are you sure there's an extra charge?"
"NetCabo popped up with a big flashy warning box telling me I was paying per-minute charges starting right now, so yeah, I'm pretty sure."
"What do you use your account for?"
"To get access to my work network, from the road, via a VPN"
"What do you enjoy searching for on the web?"
"Who cares? I don't use any of the NetCabo 'features' other than the IP stack to get me access to my work. I want to cancel my service. Now."
"But when you're searching for fun, ... sports? music? movies?"
"All of the above, but that's not important to you, because it won't be happening through NetCabo."
"Have you tried our Keyword feature? You could just enter --"
"No, I haven't tried your keyword feature. I don't care about your keyword feature. The first thing I do when I sign on is close every one of the ten NetCabo windows that sprout up all over my desktop and try my best to pretend NetCabo isn't even part of the equation, fire up my mail program and my standard web browser and do what I have to do. Now would you please just cancel my damn service?"
"I'm trying to educate you on --"
"Let me speak to your supervisor."
"Sir, many of our customers aren't aware of the very nice features NetCabo provides, and when they --"
"Your supervisor. Fetch him for me now, before I just start calling my credit card company monthly to issue chargebacks on your service charge."
"Let me give you the number to Netcabo Viseu, who can probably assist you with the per-minute charges --"
"No, I don't want to speak to NetCabo Viseu, and frankly I no longer want to speak to you. I want to speak to someone who is actually willing to acknowledge that a customer is not a prisoner and will act as you are legally required to when I tell you to no longer process a charge against my credit card, ever. If that person is not you, it might very likely be a lawyer you have on retainer when my lawyer explains it to them in monosyllabic words that are easily understood. I want to cancel my service, and I want to cancel it now."
"So am I to understand that you want to cancel your service?"
[insert sound here of me slamming my head into wall forcefully] "Jesus, it finally recognizes the English language. YES! After saying it to you nigh on twenty times, YES I want to cancel my damned service."
"Well, I'd be happy to do that for you, your confirmation number is blah. Now, your account will still be reserved for six months --"
"Are we done? With that confirmation number in hand, is there anything else I need from you before I hang up, to ensure that I never see a NetCabo charge on my bill again?"
"Sir, if you'd let me explain --"
"Stop explaining. Yes or no -- am I finished?"
"Yes"
[click]
