Quick Update

I know, I know... Not been blogging for a while, and you all missed me right? RIGHT?????? Lol.. Not been upto much apart from the usual. Had a great battle over the weekend and I will give you a report on it. Football again tomorrow, another tough game... Should be good!! Anyway laters.

Joke of the day...

A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus and in a panic realised she had forgotten her morning ritual.
Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."
A guy sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."

Chuck Norris

Only Chuck...

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked about this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF THE CHUCK!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't fuck with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris was known to eat 3 meals a day!.... well he was pretty normal when it came to eating, his meals consisted of aborted fetuses and female goats milk
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris believes what goes around comes a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris' beard hair is believed to be an aphrodisiac in China.
You can't squeeze blood from a stone... but Chuck can.
Chuck Norris doesn't give Christmas presents. If you live to see Christmas, that is your Christmas present from Chuck.
Inspired by the movie Alien vs. Predator, Chuck Norris has begun work on a screen play tentatively titled, "Alien, Predator, Frankenstein, Wolfman, The Mummy and a Whole Shitload of Vampires vs. Chuck Norris."
Chuck Norris is the reason the participants of the Special Olympics are special.
The reason there has been so many different Batman's is because Chuck Norris kept killing them off.
When Chuck Norris is smiling, he just killed your dad.
The helicopter was invented after Chuck Norris was observed doing 8 roundhouse kicks a second.
Chuck Norris sank the Titanic with a slow-motion roundhouse kick because Chuck Norris can't stand that Celine Dion song.
Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
Much like the sun, Chuck Norris will cause blindness if looked at for prolonged periods of time.
Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with barbed wire.
The only reason the American military forces are still needed in Iraq is because Chuck Norris is not in the American military forces.
Chuck Norris can take a dump while standing.
The world population divides into two groups, those who fear Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can watch an episode of 60 minutes in 22 seconds...

sent in by Piero plus extra content...

You know your Portuguese if...

You know you're Portuguese if...
1. Your mother's name is Maria something.
2. Christmas Eve is much more important than Christmas.
3. Several people in your family are named Joao, Jose, Manuel or Antonio
4. Your mother either cleans houses, babysits, or works in a factory.
5, Your father is...yup...you guessed it...a construction worker...wait no...maybe a carpenter or a fisherman...
6. Your house is fully equipped with two stoves...(one is in the kitchen downstairs, which your uncle, father, and/or grandpa built).
7. You earned over £10,000 for your first communion.
8. The hell with the Turkey and Roast Beef!! Christmas dinner was Salted Whole Cod, baby!
9. A barbeque does not consist of Burgers on the grill...Hello! can u say sardines????
10. Your parents own nine houses in Portugal, but complain about "the lack of money" and "times are hard" when they work abroad earning 5 times more than in Portugal!!!
11. You've had your license for a month, but your £20,000 car has been "hooked up" for a year. I'm talking Rims, tints, a system...
12. A wooden spoon = discipline.
13. Your parents anticipate that you marry your first long-term boyfriend/girlfriend.
14. You over tweeze (or shave) your eyebrows...(this applies to both males and females)
15. You try and do the "messy backstreet boy haircut style thing," but you just end up looking like every other "immigrant".
16. Your anthem this summer was "Zombie Nation"
17. Every woman cleans the house on Saturday.
18. When you hear the word "Sagres" you think Beer, not historical marine school.
19. Someone in your family plays the accordion.
20. Going to Portugal involves buying gifts for every person in your 100 member family.
21. "Peneleiro" is definitely NOT a pot-maker.
22. Nuthin' beats a buttered Portuguese roll!!!
23. You've got that annoying "P" on the corner of your windscreen ,as if we didn't know you were an immigrant already by the huge car (usually a BMW or Merc!) that you brought back to Portugal, on your summer holidays, to show off to your friends and family)
24.Your weekends as a kid consisted of going to Portuguese school, going to church, watching some religious parade and going to see your grandparents.
Viva Portugal!!!

Probably the funniest story and pictures in a long while!!

Sent in by Carl.

"My sister-in law is from Oklahoma and has a slight accent. She has cats and when she lived in the south she would take them to the groomers and have what is called a Line Cut. To her a line cut is when all of the fur hanging down below the cat's tummy is taken off (because it gets matted or snarled). When she moved to Chicago with my brother, one of the cats fur got all tangled up during the move so she took it in for a line cut. She was quite surprised when she heard the price as it was twice as much as it was down south. She confirmed with the groomer that he understood what a line cut was and he said "yes, I know what a LION cut is." It seems her accent came out sounding like LION not LINE and this is how her cat was returned to her. She cried for a week...but not as much as the cat."

Deputy Dog!!

FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of encyclopaedia Britannica.
45 Volumes. Excellent condition. £1000 pounds or best offer.
Reason for sale:-
No longer required.
Got married last weekend.
Wife knows everything.

-----------------------

I am the voice unside your head
I am the lover in your bed
I am the sex that you provide
I am the hate you try to hide
and I control you...


You love it!!!

Pic of the Day

Found this pic... Laughed out loud... Enough said...

New Drinks, Old News

Red Bull Energy Drink
It's bad enough that the average teenager is already jacked up on a mixture of Cola, Aspirin, Mountain Dew Code Red and prescription Ritalin - do they really need this too?????? For those who don't read labels, Red Bull contains 8.3 ounces of Taurine, Glucuronolactone, Caffeine and B Vitamins - in other words, enough chemicals to send an Indian elephant trampling through a petting zoo with a hard on and a glint in his eye!!! Not to be confused with clubbers who enjoy Red Bull mixed with Vodka or Champagne. The average chick with a pierced belly button and remedial text-messaging proficiency is no stranger to this brew. But what they don't know, is that the misture of Alcohol and Red Bull is enough to send your heart on overdrive. Pumping faster than it has ever had to, while the Alcohol relaxes your brain making it ignore the fact that the pounding noice coming from your chest can be heard from the entire nightclub!!!! (Oh and you thought you were just paranoid???)

Pepsi Blue: Berry Cola Fusion
After trying Mountain Dew Code Red and Vanilla Coke, I had to try Pepsi Blue. Was I hoping for a beverage trifecta of great tastes, a hat-trick of liquid refreshment? No, I'm a masochist. After taking one sip of Pepsi Blue my immediate reaction was to drop the bottle on my desk and exclaim: "What the fuck!" I was shocked - Pepsi Blue is the freakiest tasting substance since my last fluoride treatment at the dentist. Those dentists and oral hygienists - they tell you it's berry flavour (as in a fruit), but it's not - It kind of reminds me of an off tasting old Macky D's root beer. The Pepsi Blue Web site reads: "Prepare yourself for the tricked-up taste of Pepsi Blue". I can think of a phrase that rhymes with "tricked-up" that is a more appropriate description of the Pepsi Blue taste experience - here's a hint: it starts with "F."
My question is: just what kind of berry should make me think I've just ingested something so freaky and unearthly that I immediately started typing out my Last Will and Testament? It's no berry I've ever encountered before and it's certainly not a blueberry. I know what a blueberry tastes like and it's sho 'nuff not Pepsi Blue. You know what I think? Pepsi Blue is "blue" flavored - there's no berry or cola involved. Some scientist, possibly an evil German scientist living in exile in Argentina, figured out the flavour of the colour blue, Pepsi put that flavour in a bottle and sold it to me.
I can think of another "blue" liquid known for it's "blue" colour and unique taste: Prussic Acid, a.k.a. Cyanide. Foolishly, I finished the entire bottle of sticky, sweet, electric-blue liquid. I wouldn't tell you not to drink it, especially if you're fond of trips to the dentist, but I don't think I'll every drink it again. What's the best thing about Pepsi Blue? The all too appropriate heavy metal styled Pepsi Blue logo. P.S. This stuff sticks to your fingers like you would never believe!!! It kind of reminds me of a cross between velcro and toxic waste!!!

Vanilla Coke
Apparently, after some discussion with some old people, Vanilla Coke is nothing new. Back in the day - make that way back in the day, you know, before plumbing and all that shite about the 'good ol days' - Coca Cola contained actual cocaine and it came out of things called "fountains," dudes named "soda jerks" (yep, that's right Bevis, "jerks") would combine all kinds of flavours with Coke - sometimes cherry and definitely Vanilla. "Old wine, new bottles", sure, but it's more like old, brown tooth-rotting chemicals, new 20oz plastic bottles.
The glutton for punishment I am, I purchased the new Vanilla Coke, drank it and came to this conclusion: it tastes like watered-down cream soda. Yes, that's right, cream soda - that crap with the unfortunate name that makes teenagers giggle, costs 50 pence a can, and seems to only exist at family picnics where you have to dig though a garbage barrel full of ice to get one and you know that only 7 hours ago that barrel was filled with garbage. But now it's filled with 50 pence cans of grape, orange, ginger-ale and cream soda.
What's my point? Vanilla Coke is nothing new. If you enjoy cream soda and need that brand name to go with it, Vanilla Coke is for you!!!

Mountain Dew Code Red
Mountain Dew Code Red has been around for a while now (Aparently as their web page suggests) - long enough to have an actual computer virus named after it - but, I'm going to review it, as it's the first in this new wave of unnaturally favoured and coloured caffeine drinks for me.
Code Red is the most sickeningly sweet and syrupy beverage I have ever tasted - unless you consider maple syrup to be a beverage. So sweet, that I could actually hear the bacteria building tiny plaque cities on my teeth and tongue, creating empires and starting wars.... Yes folks, soda doesn't get any grosser than Code Red. And how about that flavour??? Code Red. Remember when soda flavours were at least named after actual naturally occurring plant parts, like grape, or orange, or cola, or coke, or ginger? What kind of plants do Code Reds grow on? Plants from Hell? Plants from Mars? Should I be comforted by the fact that soda corporations are no longer lying about the flavours of their sodas and they've started to name their products honestly? Now, I'm scared shitless. What's next in this corporate trend of honesty: is Kraft going to start marketing "Yellow Squares" instead of "Cheese?"
Drink Mountain Dew Code Red at your own risk while wearing a helmet and strapped to the snowboard of your choice, dude. Original Mountain Dew was fine: it's crisp and refreshing and best of all caffeinated - the world didn't need a new flavour.

Sporting the Great!!!

Another win for Sporting after a tough battle against another great team. 1 - 0 was the end result. Thank you again, God!

Funniest rant so far!!

This is one of the funniest rants I have heard so far....

Scumsucking pigdog RCOB weekend.

Okay, you fuckweasels, I've had ENOUGH!!! I PUT UP WITH THIS BULLSHIT ALL WEEKEND, and I'm DONE!
You- with the Camry- WHEN you backed your car out of the driveway YOU KNEW there was over a foot of snow on the ground. You drove as if the tires caused you actual pain when they slipped, you NEVER GOT THE VEHICLE OVER 8 MILES AN HOUR FOR SIX MILES. Do the math on that one, fuckhead. I HAD TO FOLLOW YOU for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. You STAYED in the MIDDLE OF TWO LANES so NOBODY COULD PULL AROUND YOU.
Here's a little clue for you, OK? when there is a CLEAR ROAD ahead of you, DEVOID OF CARS, and there is a SIX MILE LINE OF CARS BEHIND YOU, you are a FUCKHEAD. You CANNOT DRIVE. you should SLIT YOUR FUCKING THROAT and SAVE US THE TROUBLE.
Oh, and Mister Geo Metro? YOU CHOSE TO DRIVE ON A DAY WHEN THE AVERAGE SNOW DRIFT IS TALLER THAN YOUR CAR. Your pathetic three cylinder MoonbatMobile is NOT GONNA MAKE IT to the HEALTH FOOD STORE! Pull off the SIDE of the ROAD and SMOKE THAT HEMP JACKET you're wearing, and GET OUT OF EVERYONE"S WAY. Yes, you ARE going to get stuck JUST LIKE THAT every five minutes. You are NOT going to be able to negotiate the 12" tall drifts because your TIRES arent that tall. Yes, you've had to be PUSHED OUT OF EVERY SNOWFLAKE you have encountered, and THAT'S NOT GOING TO CHANGE TILL SPRING. Stay HOME!!! You can PROBABLY survive intil spring on the ""KERRY EDWARDS" stickers if you peel them off every surface to which they are applied. FOAD!
Now, the amateurs: Yes, you know who the fuck you are. You have LIVED IN THIS CLIMATE FOR FIFTY FUCKING YEARS, YOU ASSHELMETS! You FORGET HOW TO DRIVE IN SNOW EVERY FUCKING WINTER. Take some Gingko Biloba and MOVE AWAY FROM ME, preferably at LEAST 900 miles.
Oh, and you. Mrs Lexus SUV. Let me clue you into something, OK? A Lexus is NOT an SUV. It's a large chrome and plastic ego. You didn't buy it because you needed an SUV, you bought it because you could. Bully for you! Before you take to the streets with that LeBehemoth, Learn to drive it. Four wheel drive does not mean immunity to the laws of physics. The REASON YOU ARE ON YOUR SIDE IN A DITCH is your OWN STUPIDITY. Pound sand. Next time put it over an embankment so you don't survive to fuckup anyone else's day.
All in all, it makes me wonder: WHY CAN'T I MOUNT AUTOMATIC WEAPONS ON MY TRUCK?
All credit to Og, the Neanderpundit for his rant!