For the 35 years I've been on this earth, I have never come across a realization as awesome and epic as this one. I need to grow a moustache. The raw sexual energy that is exuded by the simple act of having a hairy upper lip is so powerful that it can turn straight men gay and gay men even gayer. Why moustaches have gone out of style within the past few years is beyond me, as sporting a sleek 'stache is a one-way ticket to femalepantsville.
Take Tom Selleck for example. He is undoubtedly the only man in history that every woman in existence has either engaged in sexual intercourse with or has at least fantasized about it at one time or another. Don't deny it, I know you have. If you could harness the power of the sun, then convert it to sexual energy and add a moustache, you would have Tom Selleck. This guy could get laid in a lesbian factory without even trying.
Alright, enough about Tom. Can you seriously imagine me with a thick bushy long moustache though? I'm pretty much hotter than everything as it is, but this would definitely push me over the top. Women would flock from miles around just to get the chance to comb it or perhaps put gel in it.
Not only would have a long mustache be incredibly hot, but it would be practical as well. Say I spilled my coffee all over my desk and I didn't have a towel to clean it up. I could just use my mustache instead, as they are unusually abosorbant. Or what if some douchebag coworker comes over to pester you. You can just pretend your mustache is a cell phone and hold it up to your ear, then when they come over just say "hold on, I'm talking on my mustache" and they'll totally understand and leave you alone. The possibilities are pretty much endless. I heard of a guy in Montana who used his to pilot a commercial airliner after his arms were somehow severed off by the in-flight lawnmower. The flight attendants said the pilot used his moustache to gain control of the aircraft and they mentioned how amazingly sexy he was with a look of determination on his face and his mustache whipping playfully in the wind. I heard he was promoted to astronaut or something.
No woman in her right mind can resist a man sporting a bold, reverse Handlebar with end twists. I've even seen chicks go for guys who are only rockin' an unkempt Walrus. My mind is blown.
So in conclusion I will hereby be growing the largest, most awesome moustache known to man. The next time you see me, I'll be swatting chicks off of me with my moustache as I am voted sexiest man alive by all magazines ever, then my hot wife will grasp my sturdy 'tache and I will fly over a rainbow and we'll go on some pretty whacky adventures together. Actually thats a dream I had a couple nights ago, but it could definitely happen.
