School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Console Wars

You have to feel sorry for everyone that plumped for the PS3 over the 360. Not the Sony diehards that would buy a polished poo if it had the Sony logo on. No, I’m talking about those poor souls who were stood in Comets humming and hawing over which console to buy and plumped for the shiny black plastic thing that had a familiar name.

Because it just hasn’t delivered on its initial promise, has it? And sure, PS3 owners put on a brave face and try to sound like they’re not bothered that they backed the wrong horse, but that’s just because they paid a ton of money for something that really isn’t worth it.

That’s not to say the PS3 won’t become a great console in the future. I’m sure it will. Of course it will. Remember when the PS2 was about to come out? It was hyped as being the greatest thing EVER. Better than Jesus, better than a cure for cancer, better than peace in the Middle East.

But when it did eventually arrive, everyone went ‘Yeah, it looks great and all that, but where are the games?’ Back then, the hype did the job it was supposed to do, which was completely kill the excellent and hideously over looked Dreamcast, one of the most spectacular consoles the world has ever seen and which was eventually bought by approximately 50 people.

PS3 or Xbox 360 (or even the Nintendo Wii)? The console wars rage ever on over on the message boards.

A quick game of Chu Chu Rocket anyone? Shameful the way that beautiful little grey box was treated. And it died a death all because of Sony’s aggressive marketing campaign.

I’m not saying the PS2 wasn’t a stunning machine. It was fantastic. It just took a year after the actual release of the bloody thing for anything vaguely decent and next gen to come out. Meanwhile, the kids are at home playing some crappy fireworks simulator pretending they’re having a great time.

The exact same thing is happening with the PS3, but this time it hasn’t worked anywhere near as well as Sony had expected. Firstly, the 360 came out and is as close to perfect as you can get. Don’t get me wrong, I may be in the employ of Microsoft to write this column, but there is no way I’m taking dirty money.

I am allowed to say exactly what I want to about any console or game. And you’ll see over the coming months that Xbox doesn’t get off scot-free. But even the biggest Playstation fan has to admit that the 360 is just great. And it had enough of a head start over Sony to actually tempt a few people away.

Then there was the ridiculous sale price for the PS3. Something like 70 billion million hundred pounds. I exaggerate slightly for piss poor comic effect, but you get the idea. Way over budget for your casual gamer. Even me, with my millions, wasn’t going to spend that much on it. Oh no, I got mine free. And I have used it precisely once.

And what the sodding hell is Blu-ray all about? That’s not even how you spell blue. It should have an ‘e’ at the end, B-L-U-E! Not Blu. Pathetic. Yes, it may have beaten HD DVD, a format I didn’t even know existed until the announcement that it was being withdrawn, but are people really going to dump their old DVD players to watch something that is a) only slightly better quality and b) more expensive?

I even got sent a free copy of Casino Royale when I registered my PS3 online, and I haven’t watched it out of protest. I lost big time in the great Betamax/VHS wars of the early 80s. Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit I backed totally the wrong horse then. I went for Betamax. Excellent quality but only 3 films available to rent.

Oh the shame of going into the then new video libraries and having to shuffle into a corner to spend literally seconds browsing through the Beta titles that were half-filling one tiny shelf.

And do you know what? It was Sony that got me a severe kicking on several occasions in school because I didn’t have VHS. For that reason, I shall certainly NOT be supporting another nancy boy, nonsense format that Sony have just made up in an attempt to look all clever and cool. No. Not again.

And don’t get me started on the online services. That’s a whole rant in itself. Suffice to say, one console offers a sublime, beautiful, wondrous, joyful online experience, while the other is guff. I’ll leave it to you to try and work out which is which.

Look, I’m not saying I’m never going to play PS3 again, all I’m saying is it’s going to take something pretty special to get me to try and find the controllers and start up the thing. It will happen, I just don’t know when.

So if you choose Sony or Microsoft its up to you, but I'm sticking to my 360...

Discuss.

Airport rant

One of the privileges of blogging is that it permits you to vent your anger occasionally, at those that cause you problems. I´m currently working at a major international airport and it is one of the worst airports in the world.

So step forward Lisbon airport to claim your prize. I salute your incompetence, your rude & unhelpful staff, and your corporate disrespect for customer service.

People know that an occupational hazard with many flight companies is overbooking. Rightly or wrongly, it happens, and when it does, I grit my teeth because I know that a few passengers will be pissed off and general come towards me with their anger, but they will never remember this is why flights are sometimes relatively cheap. Many flight companies have the same problems, but why oh why is it always with TAP. (Transport Air Portugal)

I cannot deal with the millions of customers (usually fifteen flights at the same time, at the same check in, in which they have to catch a flight to a hub, narrowly making the connection to the second flight as it is boarding..... and then finding that their seats (for which they already hold a boarding pass & had checked in for 4 hours earlier) has been given to someone else. The next flight to the same destination being the next morning, 12 hours later.... Why TAP why!!!!!!

... and the fact that its aircrew aren't interested in helping ("Ask the ground staff about transfers when you arrive, it's not my job"), its ground staff are intransigent ("The flight is full") and its customer (dis)service personnel aren't empowered to make decisions and rudely deny they have European-law mandated compensation forms ("write in to the PR department") make it even worse!!

An airline that has a policy of bumping transfer passengers (In fact this happens alot with TAP), deserves to go out of business. So, I'm posting this in the hope that I contribute, in some small way, to the future downfall of the company & its acquisition by an airline that runs a business, not a bureaucracy.

My advice: don't travel by TAP, especially on a transit flight via Lisbon.

The second part of this rant is about their security in the airport. I was actually working when I noticed that my airport security card (The one that hangs around my neck with my photo, areas that i am allowed to enter and expiry date) was about to expire. I contacted my ANA supervisor, (which was a lovely woman with a huge attitude!!!!) and told her the situation. The fact of the matter was that the employment agency still hadn´t sent the paperwork to update my card and so she told me to keep working and hopefully I could continue past security without them noticing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there I was, two weeks later with an outdated security card, STILL WORKING!!!!!!! Not one guard noticed my card, not one! I walked into secure areas that no passenger has ever been. Into areas that could easily have been a major security headache and a once in a lifetime chance for a terrorist. Security was awful and I mean awful. They contract a security company 'cos its cheaper than the police and once they know your face they don´t bother checking your card. Remeber terrorists, be friendly, always have a smile on your face and Lisbon security will overlook the obvious, with their cheap Brazilian labour force!!!

Step forward Lisbon airport, its time to claim your prize as the most incompetent airport in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wife, romance and global warming rant

Something my wife is into the moment, and it´s doing my fucking head in, is pebbles!!!! She collects them!
I don´t mean normal pebbles, I mean varnished ones in a dish. They´r fucking everywhere in our house!! Bowls of the fucking things everywhere!! I said to her yesterday:
"Where did you go yesterday? Fucking skimming!!!"
The bloody things just appear. You turn around and theirs a mound of fucking aggrogate in the lounge! She didn´t take it likely when I asked her if she was formimg her own beach!
I think there is a conspiracy going on with some women... Think about it! There miles of portuguese coastline going missing, global warming???? Bollocks its in our lounge!
Our planet has heated up 5% in the last ten years due to bloody candles!!! That´s whats fucking up the planet... Her candles!!!
It´s fucking pebbles, candles and now cushions!!! Not normal cushions. Oh no, small shitty tiny things which she calls scatter cushions. Scatter bloody everywhere!!! Their tiny, I mean who made them? The Fraggles??? Bloody everywhere, they are! Their the same size as a sand bag.
I think she expects me to fill them with sand, put them up against the door because the global tides are comming because she´s depleting the coastline and eating up the planet with her FUCKING CANDLES!!!!

Me: "We´re drowning!"

Her: "Yeah, but theirs a lovely smell of Jasmin."

Candles everywhere in our house! And you can´t light them. Oh no! God forbid! Their ornaments! Bloody ornaments!!!!

Another thing right, is when she lights one of the cheap candles. You know the ones you get in a clear bag with 15,000 candles for 5.99!! Usually lit at dinner time ´cos she says its romantic. ROMANTIC????

"Jesus love switch the light on, I can´t see the food. I´m not Charles Fucking Dickens!!!!!"

Have you ever sat their by candle light. Everything flickering. The foods moving around, her face is wobbling, the rooms jumping around...

Me: "Switch the light on love I´m fucking tripping!!!"

Her: "Well theirs no need to be sarcastic, I´m just creating the mood."

Me: "Well you got me in one!!!!"

Women!!!! Why are they so complicated???? They love romance which is cool but why has it have to be so complicated?? For example:
Have you ever had a night in with your wife or girlfriend, you have nice meal and then they come out with these really mad suggestions like...

"Let´s have a bath together. It´ll be just like the films..."

But it isn´t is it? `Cos women like to have their bath water so fucking HOT!!!! Have you ever seen a woman get out of the bath? Their red up to their necks! It looks like their wearing a low cut bloody dress. Even a lobster would put his claw in the bath and say Fuck That!!!
And have you noticed that they´r always in the bath before us? Thats so they can Romantically watch you walk in completely naked and Romantically get into the bath while holding your nuts above your head!! Remember girls boiling hot water and bollocks don´t mix!
And why do we always get the tap end? Your in the bath and the tap is dripping hot hater on your back every so often. Yeah love reaaaalllly romantic!!! Yeah well its all happening down our end. We´ve got the shower head dripping on our skull, the tap dripping on our backs!!!! Then you look down to the other end of the bath and she´s in the lounge position!!!! What the hell can you do in a four foot bath that's romantic. Nothing!!!!
She says: "Wash my back darling."
So you agree and move into position, but as you both move you squeek everywhere as your skin rubs against the porceline!! It sounds like a couple of donkeys fighting over a watering hole.

Is romance dead??? Your guess is as good as mine!!!

Homeless Fakes and why they annoy me!

It's happened to all of us. Its 8:30 am , you are sitting at a red light on your way to your shit job. You're sipping on your luke-warm coffee, humming along with your local radio stations shit "top 40" you drone on to every day...when all of a sudden, a horrifying figure appears in your mirror. An effing "homeless" guy! He’s floating around like a piece of shit, flaunting his half assed sign in your window, trying to finagle a euro or two from your already thin wallet. For what? So he can go and buy a fifth of whiskey to help him forget about the life he had before his children died in an avalanche, which finally pushed his wife over the heterosexual cliff into the sea of lesbianism.

Now, I feel bad for homeless people. Lol. The thought of a person, with no place to go, crying uncontrollably while trying to maintain an erection in the blistering winter cold, just to savour a split second of orgasmic joy, truly aches my shallow heart. BUT, don't get confused ladies and gentlemen, beggars ARE NOT homeless! Beggars are lazy fucks that don't feel like working a corporate McDonalds job, so they waddle their asses down to a busy intersection to trick YOU into supporting their family and/or hooker fisting fetish.

"But, How do you know they aren't really homeless?" The fact that you would even ask me that question insults me. Someone stupid enough to fall for this scam doesn't belong driving a car. They belong in the cars path so that their body ends up flattened like a bloody, fleshy, bone infused pancake; however, since I am the most helpful person on the World Wide Web, I will tell you how to decipher the beggars from the homeless.

-The fabrication of their sign. This is an immediate giveaway. Real homeless people have no idea how to write. If the wording on the sign is legible and comprehensible, spit in their face and turn away. If you happen to forget about the grammar aspect, check out the writing medium. Anything used to create the sign besides blood; feces or road sludge is bogus. The other day I passed a "Falsey" holding a sign done in 4 different marker colours. You read that right, 4! Come on! If I’m supposed to believe he is homeless, then decorating his cardboard with the 25 euro cents worth of "Thick Tipped Quad Pack pens" shouldn’t even be in the equation. I have a full-time job and I can’t even afford that shit.

-The context of their sign. If the sign reads, "I am a Colonial War Soldier Survivor", they better be elderly, missing all their limbs, completely nude and sporting an "Angola is Ours" tattoo that takes up their whole back... not a 30 year old with soot smeared on his cheeks. If they don’t meet my required description to a T, they aren’t homeless, and they aren’t getting my Euros. If their sign reads, "I am mentally challenged, please help", throw a Coke can at them and drive away. Retarded people don’t need money! What are they going to spend it on? Chew toys? Now that I’m thinking about it, the only way I'd give my money to a "sign holder" would be if it read, "Give me your fucking money or I'll rape your whole fucking family!" That gets my attention and sparks my interest! Here sir, have a crisp European note!

-Their attire. All of these "Falsey's" dress in stereotypical homeless clothing. Dirty, torn shirts with mismatched stained pants to make it look like they have roughed the elements for a significant amount of time. PHONEY! Do you know where they went wrong? While they were creating these costumes, they used clothes from the year 2000. If you are really homeless and wearing those clothes, then you have only been without shelter for 7 years, so stop being a pussy! The homeless people that get my sympathy are the ones with dirty dunlop trainers and a "Button Your Fly" t- shirt. That means that the last time they could afford to purchase clothing, Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" was topping the charts on the top 100. I barely remember that far back, what a trooper! I also toss a coin to the individual dawning an old wool blanket draped upon their bare body. Homeless or not, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. They are obviously dedicated, and I respect that.

-Their location. Regardless of what you may believe, homeless people don't know how to walk, so how the hell did they get to the busiest intersection in Portugal? We all know that they didn’t crawl! Since we were infants, society has conditioned us to kick and elbow drop any and all homeless people that we happen to see crawling about. So obviously, they would have been dead after only a few feet. The only other option is that they took a bus. The bus costs money that homeless people can't afford to spend, so they are counterfeits and I hope they get a deadly infection in their cock vein! No, I'm not just making up excuses to not help out these so-called, "homeless" individuals, that is nonsensical to the absurd power! If I’m walking around downtown and I’m in the giving mood, I will look in the alleys. Real homeless people only reside in dark narrow alleys, covered in litter. I’m more apt to shell out a couple ducats to the poor sap sandwiched within a shoebox, covered in his own piss instead of the bored looking guy wearing a beanie and camo jacket on the corner of Great War Avenue. Plus, authentic de-sheltered individuals are ready and willing to put on an improvisational comedic act to earn your cash. Paying to watch a grown man with a rat living in his beard humiliate himself by doing the Electric Slide, is definitely money well spent! It is a service that I am more than willing to support!

So, before one of you stinkies comes a tappin' on my windscrean, make sure to have proof of your misfortune. If I smell bullshit, and you aren't covered in it, you just earned yourself a collapsed windpipe. Looks like you'll have to beg for money elsewhere now so you can afford one of those electronic voice box transmitters... those are funny.

Guns and shit.

Apparently I´m a gun. Not just any gun!!
Check out what gun you are at:

http://www.quizilla.com/users/ReverendDeWald/quizzes/What%20Gun%20Are%20You?/

Liar Liar, pants on fire!!!

Nothing in this world infuriates me more than knowing that the bullshit that has just come out of a pathological liar’s mouth is an absolute falsehood, but I have no concrete means to challenge this fictitious claim. I like to call this THE UNCONFIRMABLE LIE. It serves no purpose, no logical thinking person will ever believe it, but on what basis can we actually mount a dispute?
Usually these lies revolve around encounters with the opposite sex. “I totally fucked the hot new secretary at my work last night”. Yeah, sure you did. Very convenient that none of us were around to see if you actually mustered an ounce of game, of which you’ve never displayed before on all the occasions all of us are out, and actually managed to coerce this lovely female into bed with you. Yeah, I believe that. I also believe that a magical rabbit hops around my yard come spring time leaving me chocolates in the grass. You don’t need to wow us with your sexual conquests, we’re your friends already, and we don’t judge you. Except for that time we caught you spreading jam on your scrotum and forcing that stray dog to lick it clean. Yet despite past history and all signs pointing to an untruth, I have no definitive proof that what you are saying is a sham.

These false pretenses also typically arise in situations when said imposter describes behavior that appears uncharacteristic. “These four huge guys were coming at me, so I stepped up and knocked the biggest one out with one punch and the others just backed off.” Oh yeah, I believe that one. Especially since the last fight I saw you in was with that poor kid with narcolepsy and he managed to stay awake long enough to slap you around pretty good. You obviously feel the need to prove your masculinity further with tales of combat and danger. What purpose does this tall tale serve? Do you believe that I will admire you, fear you, or respect you? You had my respect, until the moment you thought I’d believe that crap. But I digress. Once again, I have no way to firmly prove that the words excreting from your mouth are indeed the counterfeit I know them to be.

It puzzles me as to why people actually do this. Perhaps they think that since there is no proof that it didn’t happen, it MUST have happened. Or maybe they just believe that everyone is foolish enough to believe those absurd lies. Either way, that’s one crazy rationale. You go ahead and enjoy it. I think they call it delusions of grandeur in psychiatric circles. Send me a line sometime from the asylum, I hear they have these nice padded rooms and these cool jackets, they’re really straight.

Batman rules and other superheroes suck!!!

This rant is for everyone. Ladies should pay attention, because you might have some questions about why your boyfriend went to see a movie 3 times in the theaters that was about a guy who flies around in leather tights.

- I'll first tell you why no other superhero hold a candle to Batman:

Spider-man

Let's face it, his alter-ego is a lazy waste of potential and doesn't harp on the good-looking girl that for some reason sees something good in his geeky ass. Plus, Peter Parker is a fucking pussy. He has a little bit of a guilty concience but in all reality, Uncle Ben was old as fuck and didn't die right in front of him like both of Bruce Wayne's real parents did. And on top of all else, his powers were handed to him. It happened by accident. Then all of a sudden after he gets bit by a spider and he automatically knows how to throw a punch??? Fuck that.

Superman

Plain and simple: He's too fucking perfect. What the fuck can you do to Super-man without some Kryptonite? No Kryptonie = assed out. And he's an alien. So the All-American hero is a fucking alien??? They have plenty of aliens in America already. Just go down to Port Richmond and you could pick one up on the corner and pay him 100 bucks for the day (plus lunch) to put on a cape and fight crime. Who the fuck is this pod to come down here and steal Batman's thunder??? And give me a fucking break with this Clark Kent thing. So when I get kicked out of a bar, I'm going to put on glasses and the bouncer will never recognize me. Please.

X-Men

Too many of them to even muster up a fair fight. They've all got these ridiculous powers and it seems like in all the movies the bad guys with the better powers join their side. Cool special effects, but the whole "whoa is me, I'm a mutant" gets a little old. I'd trade my girlfriend and little sister to shoot fire out of my fingers.

The Hulk

The movie sucked so bad that I wanted to punch the old lady sitting next to me in the twat. "You're not gonna like me when I'm angry". Ok, you turned into an uncontrollable green thing. Are you a fucking bad guy now???

Now I'm going to tell you why Batman fucking rules everything. And why men obsess over him like 17-year-old bimbos obsess over Paris Hilton.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja. Nuff said.

- He has gadgets, and they're cool. He's a handy-man superhero. A man's man.

- He drives the Batmobile, which anyone who's into cars knows it's a tank in the form of a sports car. So you can race juiceheads for pink slips then demolish it in front of their face the moment you take it from them.

- He has a side-kick who's his bitch. Which is basically like havin a little brother who looks up to you and you pick on. Men relate to that shit.

- The ladies love him when he's Bruce Wayne, and they love him even more when he's Batman. The envy of all men.

- The police call Batman. Now that's something you would see on a Chuck Norris T-shirt.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja.

See where I'm getting at???

Which is why Batman Forever and Batman and Robin should be erased from existence. Director Joel Schumacher must have walked into the studio and pitched this:

"I want to make Batman as gay as it could possibly be!!! I want neon lights and colours!!! I want cheesy one-liners that will make people cringe!!! I want to put nipples on the bat-suit!!! I want close-up of George Clooney's ass in the tights!!! I want to take the greatest Super-hero in history and shit in his mouth!!!"

Studio Suit: You're hired! Let me give you a 150 squillion dollar budget to destroy the Batman franchise!!!

Batman is the Dark Knight. He's the anti-hero. He rules everything.

I've never read a comic in my life. So I might not know what I'm talking about.

My newest invention

A child. But not just any child, oh no my children, I fear that you do not comprehend my exceedingly superincumbent intellect because you have small brains, and do not function the same way I do.

See, as I write this admirable, tasteful, amazing piece of work, I am simultaneously drawing blueprints and injecting foreign serums (like scopolamine and thiopental sodium, but the thiopental sodium is just a sugar substitute, so it's not doing much at all, except giving rare forms of cancer to my 'patients') into several of my clientele. All of my clients have signed a contract and have approved this, or what is being called, but not exigently is, "an abhorrent, revolting and completely tasteless experiment performed by Dr. Feral Pariah. He is a sick and unethical human being and he is NOT here to better the world."

But I say NAY to this corrupt, childish criticism, for I am here to not only better the world, but to make people perceive contrastingly, to think outside of the box. These critics are nothing but nuisances condoning senseless behavior. Anywho, what I was getting at, what I was getting at, well, I was getting at inventing children with my ultramodern and untouched piece of medicinal genius. This piece of genius is:

Glass babies

In my studies, I have found that I have lived with various women for most of my adult life, and I have found them to be, well, to put it lightly, a bitch. Oh dear. Anyway, these bitches oftentimes complain to me about the pains of childbirth, and how women are stronger than men - and I am here to do nothing but invalidate and absolutely obliterate the superiority women think they have, and to do this, I must inject women with my new serum, which I entitled BMFG.

Babies
Made
of
Fucking
Glass.

Now, this serum is simply injected into the subject, thus creating a liquid fetus which grows inside of the body whenever chocolate is consumed. The sugar in the chocolate coats the glass, which causes an extensive, almost allergic reaction to the glass. The sugar saturates the glass, the chemicals combusting and maturing. Soon, the glass will grow large in the stomach of the woman comparable to that of a live, human fetus. Shortly thereafter, the woman will have to give birth a live, glass baby.


I'm sure most women will find this invention deplorable, which is why I am inventing this for men. Women have their anti-rape devices, and their home-shopping network and their god damned magazines, but I'll tell you, my good sirs, that they will NOT have their dignity after they give birth to a glass baby. Since the glass is saturated with the chocolate, it will become easier to dispute the integrity of the glass, causing it to shatter whenever the muscles of the vagina contract. This will lead to massive shards left in their vaginas, which they will have to treat by themselves, because no doctor treats those kinds of incidents.

One last thing - women, don't try to turn it around on men. Since the serum is explicitly used on women, using it on a man is a very bad idea. See, the estrogen in the women’s blood helps contain the liquid glass, and forming the fetus, but when the serum is mixed into a mans blood, the testosterone reacts differently. The testosterone fused with the serum forms a powerful toxin, which can be spat out of the mans mouth. Once the toxin comes into contact with skin, it burns the skin to a crisp, much like you would think. The effect of the toxin wears off in about ten minutes, which is just enough time to eradicate her face.

So there you have it, a stunning and complete analysis of my newest invention, the glass baby. Men, I hope you will put it to good use.

Citizenship of Stupid People

Hopefully, one of these days...we as a species will learn from our mistakes. For the most part...we seem to have gotten down wiping our asses and not looking directly into the Sun...definitely a step forward from our ancestors, but we need to start doing something about those that fall through the cracks, which mainly consist of Darwin Award Honorable Mentions...y'know, the ones that somehow escape with their lives after they do something astronomically stupid? The only thing wrong with those people is that they live on to possibly spread the idiocy of drinking paint thinner onto the next generation. Given that somehow the majority of civilized people are against outright "neutralization" of those with limited brain capacity and/or function, be it by birth or choice, we need to come up with something fast, because the scourge of stupidity is ever vigilant in bombarding us with countless amounts of "Pull my finger!" and other equally sub-human antics. I'm not here to offer solutions, just ideas. One of which involves passing a law requiring a certain level of intellect to retain citizenship. I mean it; the most dangerous thing on earth is a stupid person with Western European-level freedoms. I know a lot of people have different standards when it comes to stupidity, but we're gonna have to pull it together on this one.

It would basically involve watching your surroundings, and if you happen to observe someone eating paint chips or sniffing markers, report them to authorities, and a Population Control "special" bus, (commonly referred to as the "short bus"), will pick them up, and take them to a testing facility, where they will be given a series of tests to determine their value on many different levels of benefiting future generations. This will be their ONLY chance at redemption. After the volley of tests, if they are deemed fit, they will be returned to the spot where they where picked up, to continue where they left off, be it eating boogers or talking to themselves, because these are often habits of "eccentric" people as well, and most eccentrics are indeed quite intelligent. But fail the tests, and you're citizenship will be revoked, and you'll be shipped off to an island more fitting of the quarter-brained inhabitants of our species.

The island will not be one of cruelty, but rather blissful ignorance, with giant screens playing constant loops of Kevin Costner movies and books on tape. Soon, the island will resonate with the horrific sounds of "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" and "Pee plus Electric Fence equals....uuhhhhh......uummmm...Fun!" After that, we should start seeing an improvement...hopefully.