This rant is for everyone. Ladies should pay attention, because you might have some questions about why your boyfriend went to see a movie 3 times in the theaters that was about a guy who flies around in leather tights.
- I'll first tell you why no other superhero hold a candle to Batman:
Spider-man
Let's face it, his alter-ego is a lazy waste of potential and doesn't harp on the good-looking girl that for some reason sees something good in his geeky ass. Plus, Peter Parker is a fucking pussy. He has a little bit of a guilty concience but in all reality, Uncle Ben was old as fuck and didn't die right in front of him like both of Bruce Wayne's real parents did. And on top of all else, his powers were handed to him. It happened by accident. Then all of a sudden after he gets bit by a spider and he automatically knows how to throw a punch??? Fuck that.
Superman
Plain and simple: He's too fucking perfect. What the fuck can you do to Super-man without some Kryptonite? No Kryptonie = assed out. And he's an alien. So the All-American hero is a fucking alien??? They have plenty of aliens in America already. Just go down to Port Richmond and you could pick one up on the corner and pay him 100 bucks for the day (plus lunch) to put on a cape and fight crime. Who the fuck is this pod to come down here and steal Batman's thunder??? And give me a fucking break with this Clark Kent thing. So when I get kicked out of a bar, I'm going to put on glasses and the bouncer will never recognize me. Please.
X-Men
Too many of them to even muster up a fair fight. They've all got these ridiculous powers and it seems like in all the movies the bad guys with the better powers join their side. Cool special effects, but the whole "whoa is me, I'm a mutant" gets a little old. I'd trade my girlfriend and little sister to shoot fire out of my fingers.
The Hulk
The movie sucked so bad that I wanted to punch the old lady sitting next to me in the twat. "You're not gonna like me when I'm angry". Ok, you turned into an uncontrollable green thing. Are you a fucking bad guy now???
Now I'm going to tell you why Batman fucking rules everything. And why men obsess over him like 17-year-old bimbos obsess over Paris Hilton.
- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja. Nuff said.
- He has gadgets, and they're cool. He's a handy-man superhero. A man's man.
- He drives the Batmobile, which anyone who's into cars knows it's a tank in the form of a sports car. So you can race juiceheads for pink slips then demolish it in front of their face the moment you take it from them.
- He has a side-kick who's his bitch. Which is basically like havin a little brother who looks up to you and you pick on. Men relate to that shit.
- The ladies love him when he's Bruce Wayne, and they love him even more when he's Batman. The envy of all men.
- The police call Batman. Now that's something you would see on a Chuck Norris T-shirt.
- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja.
See where I'm getting at???
Which is why Batman Forever and Batman and Robin should be erased from existence. Director Joel Schumacher must have walked into the studio and pitched this:
"I want to make Batman as gay as it could possibly be!!! I want neon lights and colours!!! I want cheesy one-liners that will make people cringe!!! I want to put nipples on the bat-suit!!! I want close-up of George Clooney's ass in the tights!!! I want to take the greatest Super-hero in history and shit in his mouth!!!"
Studio Suit: You're hired! Let me give you a 150 squillion dollar budget to destroy the Batman franchise!!!
Batman is the Dark Knight. He's the anti-hero. He rules everything.
I've never read a comic in my life. So I might not know what I'm talking about.
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