Something my wife is into the moment, and it´s doing my fucking head in, is pebbles!!!! She collects them!
I don´t mean normal pebbles, I mean varnished ones in a dish. They´r fucking everywhere in our house!! Bowls of the fucking things everywhere!! I said to her yesterday:
"Where did you go yesterday? Fucking skimming!!!"
The bloody things just appear. You turn around and theirs a mound of fucking aggrogate in the lounge! She didn´t take it likely when I asked her if she was formimg her own beach!
I think there is a conspiracy going on with some women... Think about it! There miles of portuguese coastline going missing, global warming???? Bollocks its in our lounge!
Our planet has heated up 5% in the last ten years due to bloody candles!!! That´s whats fucking up the planet... Her candles!!!
It´s fucking pebbles, candles and now cushions!!! Not normal cushions. Oh no, small shitty tiny things which she calls scatter cushions. Scatter bloody everywhere!!! Their tiny, I mean who made them? The Fraggles??? Bloody everywhere, they are! Their the same size as a sand bag.
I think she expects me to fill them with sand, put them up against the door because the global tides are comming because she´s depleting the coastline and eating up the planet with her FUCKING CANDLES!!!!
Me: "We´re drowning!"
Her: "Yeah, but theirs a lovely smell of Jasmin."
Candles everywhere in our house! And you can´t light them. Oh no! God forbid! Their ornaments! Bloody ornaments!!!!
Another thing right, is when she lights one of the cheap candles. You know the ones you get in a clear bag with 15,000 candles for 5.99!! Usually lit at dinner time ´cos she says its romantic. ROMANTIC????
"Jesus love switch the light on, I can´t see the food. I´m not Charles Fucking Dickens!!!!!"
Have you ever sat their by candle light. Everything flickering. The foods moving around, her face is wobbling, the rooms jumping around...
Me: "Switch the light on love I´m fucking tripping!!!"
Her: "Well theirs no need to be sarcastic, I´m just creating the mood."
Me: "Well you got me in one!!!!"
Women!!!! Why are they so complicated???? They love romance which is cool but why has it have to be so complicated?? For example:
Have you ever had a night in with your wife or girlfriend, you have nice meal and then they come out with these really mad suggestions like...
"Let´s have a bath together. It´ll be just like the films..."
But it isn´t is it? `Cos women like to have their bath water so fucking HOT!!!! Have you ever seen a woman get out of the bath? Their red up to their necks! It looks like their wearing a low cut bloody dress. Even a lobster would put his claw in the bath and say Fuck That!!!
And have you noticed that they´r always in the bath before us? Thats so they can Romantically watch you walk in completely naked and Romantically get into the bath while holding your nuts above your head!! Remember girls boiling hot water and bollocks don´t mix!
And why do we always get the tap end? Your in the bath and the tap is dripping hot hater on your back every so often. Yeah love reaaaalllly romantic!!! Yeah well its all happening down our end. We´ve got the shower head dripping on our skull, the tap dripping on our backs!!!! Then you look down to the other end of the bath and she´s in the lounge position!!!! What the hell can you do in a four foot bath that's romantic. Nothing!!!!
She says: "Wash my back darling."
So you agree and move into position, but as you both move you squeek everywhere as your skin rubs against the porceline!! It sounds like a couple of donkeys fighting over a watering hole.
Is romance dead??? Your guess is as good as mine!!!
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