Insomnia

Damn it I´m going nuts.
Haven´t slept for three days and I just noticed I´ve been writing crap in my blog.
My brain hurts and still can´t sleep.
Ít has become so bad that the voices have returned...
"You know you want to..."
"Go on hunt them down and feed them to the pigs..."
"Dan, where are you? Can you help me find my husband?"
FUCKING, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! (I see dead people! I see them all the time...)
No wonder I can´t hold a serious relationship.... I keep cheating on them with ghosts.
Damn it, damn it, damn it...
I'll catch some kind of spiritual venerial disease, if I´m not careful!
I must sleep.... must sleep... sleep...

Women

All women are insane.
God love them they are crazy.
I am absolutely convinced.
Some women though are crazier than others, though.
Just remember that when sense is thrown out the window, you need to decide where your crazy line is and draw it because one day you just might end up in crazy hell.
That said I love them all to death.
But God damn it's too much some times.

Quick thought!

About 20,000 Portuguese die every year from car accidents.
Kilometers driven continues to increase every year.
The Portuguese consume over 100 million pounds of spinach every year.
A few bags were found to have a bacteria that causes flu-like symptoms.
Two people die, and everyone freaks out.

"We must never eat spinach again!! Boycott it!! Lettuce, too!! Take it out of every store!! Never eat a salad!!"

Thanks, that makes sense!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saddam

So the news is out. Saddam is going to be hanged for war crimes, well heres a pic that just describes it all!!!!!!

Indicators

I’m pretty sure indicators come stocked with every car these days but you wouldn’t know it based on the percentage of drivers that actually utilize them, in Portugal. There’s not that much that bothers me when i’m driving (other than those God-forsaken bikers) but this is the one thing that i absolutely have no patience for. Indicators are a blessing, they keep you informed of what the person in front of you is planning on doing in the next 4-6 seconds and they give you the time you need to prepare for a proper counteraction. In most drivers, the physical action of flipping your hand up or down to turn your indicators on is involuntary and instinctual. I feel like these lawbreakers have to actually fight the urge to signal every single time they change lanes or take a turn. Why take this extraneous step? flip the flipper and please your nervous system. Make the person behind you smile and think ‘maybe i won’t kill myself today after all.’

Now i’m not saying that i use my indicators every single time i turn while driving. when it’s 2am and i’m driving on the motorway with no one else on the road, yeah, i change lanes without signaling. But i’ll be damned if i’ll do 95 in the breakdown lane and play a game of mortal checkers without considering putting those warm, friendly beacons on my bumper to use. nay, to good use.

If everyone would just use their indicators like they secretly want to, instead of just flipping the hazard warning lights when there is traffic ahead, i would have much higher opinion of mankind than i do right now.

Just pure evil...

1. Women never confess to their sluttiness. If a child rapist never admits to raping seven small children in the back of a truck while forcibly feeding them an excessive amount of Vodka, but there is still a substantial amount of evidence saying he did it, he is still a child rapist.

Nik: So, uh, Kerry, why did you cheat on me?
Kerry: .. How do you know I cheated on you? I didn't cheat on you, nope, not me, I would never ...
Nik: Kerry, I have a video tape of some guy mounting you.
Kerry: ... Um, well, you see ... YOU'RE NOT FULFILLING MY NEEDS, NIK! I NEEDED SOME OF THAT ASIAN PERSUASION.
Nik: Oh God! He was Asian? Did he have a bigger dick than me?
Kerry: YES, AND HE TALKED DIRTY TO ME!
Nik: You never asked me to talk dirty to you!
Kerry: That's because YOU never asked!!!!

2. That brings me to my next point - Women will always try to win you back after commiting what I like to call, "The Acts of the Slut." After they cheat on you, or do other slut activities, they will then go, "BUT I STILL LOVE! PLEASE." Okay, I'll take you back.

Kerry: Nik, I need you back ... I love you more than anything in the world.
Nik: Alright, I'll take you back.
Kerry: Really!? Oh Nik, I knew you loved me!
Nik: Well, I mean, I'll take you back if you let me shit on your chest during sex.

3. To my next point - women hate threesomes. This is odd, since all women love vagina. They came out of the vagina, they have a vagina, women just can't get enough of the pussy - it is a fact that most women are in-closet dykes, trying to suppress their dying hunger for the clit. Women hate threesomes because the other woman challenges her, and when a woman is challenged, she is also threatened, exposed, dead in her tracks.

Nik: So Kerry, you're down for a threesome this weekend with Sandra, right?
Kerry: Sure, as long as you pay more attention to me.
Nik: Then what's the point of a threesome?
Kerry: Can we just have her watch?
Nik: Sure but I´m gonna fuck her anyway...

4. Women fake orgasms. God damnit, if we can’t get it done, tell us, so you won't have to suffer the, what, thirty-three seconds I can go for. Honestly!!!!!

Nik: Okay, almost there ... almost there ...
Kerry: ooooohooHHHHHHHSoshOOOOOOOOOOOhhHHHHoHHHHHHHoH HHHHHHHoOHHHHHHHHAHHHHAH AHAOOOHSOSHSOOOOOOHAAAAAAAHAhaaahaah.... ah ..... ahhhhhh ... ohhhhhhh .. ohhh
Nik: ... you faked that, didn't you?
Kerry: Yeah ... sorry ...
Nik: I am going to punch you in the fucking head...

dreams

So my friend calls me the other day and says,
“Hey, I had this super sweet dream where I was an eagle flying through a sea of thorns then I rose up and changed back into myself. Then I was walking down a crowded street when I slipped and fell and nobody helped me up and then I ate a huge hamburger and shit my pants...”
"Really? Wow! That’s amazing!" Except for the fact that I really don’t give a shit. None of that actually happened to you, you’re not that cool. Telling someone about your dreams is like being forced to watch grandpa’s old 1912 vacation slide shows, except worse because your trip never actually occurred. I don’t care that you were falling or drowning or whatever weird shit you were dreaming about. Nobody wants to hear it, save us some time. And no I don’t want to help you psychoanalyze your dream either because that’s also a load of bullshit.
The worst is when a friend is telling you about a dream where you were actually in it, that shit scares me.
“So I had a dream where you and I were in Mongolia fighting hordes of locusts.”
And? So? Actually I wish we were there so I could chop your head off: barbarian style.
I don’t think I could possibly care any less about dreams…
They’re not real…
Shut up, you’re making me sleepy.

Sims

If there is one thing I don’t get, it is the SIMS games. Why do people become obsessed with this? I have a sister who has gone into a trance with that stupid game. She has turned into a mindless zombie. All she does is stare at the computer and drool. What is the purpose of this game? I mean what is it, to ruin people’s lives? No of course not, they are simulated people. Your basically a person in a house playing people in a house!!!! Big deal they don’t even talk and that is really annoying. You have to take care of them all the time. If they are simulated shouldn’t they take care of themselves? The people are sick looking anyway. I mean let’s say you are by some chance playing the game, and your person is all of the sudden on fire in the kitchen because they can’t even make their own food. Then the person dies because why? You didn’t put a fire alarm! What a shame, The 3 other people of course, could not put out the fire. Now they cry for about a half in hour and then they won’t even go to work because they are depressed. Poor people, so now since they are as of now useless, you have to waste another 2 days building an entire new family and house because you didn’t put in a fire alarm.
It is also a waste of money. After you spend 40 euros on the actual game, you need to spend another 1000 euros on the hundreds of expansion packs. Big deal so your family can’t have a stupid dog or your guy can’t get a date. So they will be lonely for the rest of their simulated days, THEY ARE NOT REAL!!!!!
You know what you’ll end up being like when you grow up? You will always worry about other people’s business. Yes, that is how that became that way. Or you will become an overprotective parent. “Do you want me to make you some food?” “Let me get you to work because there is no way you can possibly do it yourself”. You will also always be remodeling your house.
Here are the dangers of playing these games:
1. Staring at the computer is bad for your eyes
2. You lose time to spend with your family
3. You waste money
4. You try to live other people’s live for them
5. They crash your computer
6. You will grow up to be either a bum or a loser

That is all the informing you people deserve, but to do my civic duty must try to show you the path to break this mindless obsession in 7 easy steps:

Step 1. Turn the Computer on
Step 2. Go into your programs list and find the files that have anything to do with THE SIMS.
Step 3. TERMINATE IT!
Step 4. Shut the computer off
Step 5. Go into a room where you will not be disturbed
Step 6. Smash your head with a rock
Step 7.Repeat this whenever you have the urge to play this satanic game

So there you go, you have no excuse if you become a moron or lose more brain cells. Come back to REALITY!

Let me explain something to you

Hey, I don´t have a pin striped suit, or a bowler hat....
I don't own a market stall or eat jellied eels, or drink in a tea house....
and I don't know Rupert, Samantha or Carlyle from London, although I'm certain they're really really nice people.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and not British or American.
And I pronounce it Herbs, not erbs, simply because of the fact that it has a fucking H in it!!!
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing, empires and not colonies and that the badger is a truly proud and noble animal.
we say...
A vacuum cleaner is a hoover, a public anouncement system is a tannoy, pants are trousers and while underwear are pants and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'ZED' !!!!
Britain is part of Europe, but in no way are we European!!!!!!!!!
The first nation of cricket and the best part of the continent.
My name is Feral!!
And I am English!!!

Feral Laws!!!

The Feral Laws are a set of ordinances put into effect due to the fact that everyone is wrong about everything. You ought to be thanking me for making these laws, as some people out there are so blatantly retarded that it makes me want to shoot a small animal twice at point blank range in the face. If you do not abide by these laws, then you are a worthless detriment to society, and your friends and family will hate you for the rest of your miserable life.

This is a work in progress, and new laws will be added as I see fit.

The Feral Laws:
1. You are not allowed to say "I am almost [insert age here]", until exactly 1 week before your birthday.
2. Under no circumstances shall ANYONE clip their toenails or fingernails inside an enclosure (i.e. car, house, brothel, prison cell). If you are in violation of this particularly important law, then you will die at an early age, go straight to Hell, and be forced to comb Stalin's moustache daily.
3. Thou shalt not pee while having a boner, as you will inevitably spray piss in all different directions, and even though you try to clean it up, you will miss some, and the bathroom will forever reek of urine.
4. It is pronounced "Surrey", not "Suwey". There is no 'W', there never WAS an 'W', and there never WILL be an 'W'. Saying this incorrectly will cause me to repetedly stab you in the eye with an icepick. NOTE: The worst offenders are foreigners.
5. If you feel like singing along to a song that you hear on the radio/CD Player/whatever, you must ask EVERYONE in the surrounding vicinity if it is alright with them. If anyone objects you must shut the hell up immediately or recieve a swift kick in the groin.
6. Toilet paper is to be rolled from the top; NOT from the bottom as some misinformed individuals might lead you to believe. Rolling it from the bottom will cause little children to die somewhere in Africa.
7. Don't be Mormon.
8. When riding up an escalator, do NOT congregate at the top after getting off. I have no idea why people do this, but I will most definitely have to shove your selfish ass out of the way if I'm behind you and perhaps kick you a few times while you're on the ground.
9. If you are incredibly overweight, do not celebrate your obesity by wearing skin-tight and/or revealing clothing. I, along with the rest of the world, do not want to see that shit.
10. Do not ever play 'Devil's Advocate'. It is just a lame excuse to be an asshole and instigate an argument that you care nothing about. People seem to think they're intelligent by disagreeing with you, yet when you get pissed off at them, they always come up with "LOL SORRY I WAS JUST PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE!@#", which somehow motivates my foot to fly towards their facial region.
11. Always look up when entering an elevator, as a terrorist or ninja may be hiding on the ceiling waiting to kill or harm you. Not following this law has led to the demise of many actors in movies and also my uncle.
12. If you're a fat female, be nice. I don't see why overweight women are always so rude and uptight. You already have one strike against you by being obese. Don't push me over the edge by being a jackass as well. I may just have to put anti-freeze in your fried chicken.
13. Do not, under any circumstances, violently move your body when you laugh. I don't see why some people shake their shoulders and upper body while leaning forwards and backwards just to chuckle when they find something amusing. That shit pisses me off worse than when people dress up their dogs in sweaters or hats. In fact,
14. Don't dress up your dog. Dressing them up is psycological torture which will eventually lead them to turn on your children.
15. Never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase "Run forrest run". That movie came out over a decade ago and the catchphrase is no longer funny. In fact, it never WAS funny. I was jogging to my car after work yesterday and some asshole passing by yelled it to me thinking he was a witty kind of guy, which forced me to collide both my fists into his cheek bone. Welcome to 2006 you worthless douche.
16. Chocolates in the fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That shit just drives me insane!!