Portuguese TV.

Portuguese T.v. sucks. It´s all communist shit if you ask me! Like their French comrades, their outside broadcasts are in primitive 4:3 ratio. This makes watching the football quite annoying!!! And don´t even get me started on the ammount of adverts they have between programmes!!!! Jesus!! Last night I watched a film, which started at 11.oo pm and didn´t finish until 2 in the morning!!! Each break took about 15 to 20 minurtes!!!! 20 minutes of complete garbage that no one is ever interested in, 20 minutes of endless droning advertisements, 20 minutes that I had for a smoke break. And the government wants people to stop smoking!!!! Try cutting down on the adverts, because theirs nothing else to do but drain yourself on a cancer stick!!! When will people ever rebel??

Two men from Scotland.

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

Here´s somethings I found Amusing

I would greatly like to thank both Piero and Luis for making me laugh today with these ones.
Keep them coming!!
Feral.

These ones made me laugh!!!!

1-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?
"Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2-
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

3-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Joke.

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg.
So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
The company replies:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you'll really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple.

Sent in by big Stu

Five things you wouldn´t want to eat!!

From top to bottom 1: Squid ice cream. Squid, did you say?
2: Ant Eggs. What a treat mum!
3: Chocolate covered Cockroaches. Nice, nice.
3: Honey flavoured sausages. mmmmmm
And lastly: Giant Water Bugs in Red Curry Sauce. I´m never having an Indian curry again!

What the war was about. Funny jokes on the Iraq war

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ...
Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favours, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well." —David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" —Jay Leno

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way — it's Operation George Gone Wild." —Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." —Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." —David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know we don't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species.... They're going to use sea lions to guard the ships and dolphins to locate the mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won't help us, the French poodle." —Jay Leno

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says, 'Bush Is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass." —Dennis Miller

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

New York, New York

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides toeverytriangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligentor profound statement by the president.

Sent in by Ben...

Call it what you like, I still rule!!!!

Those of you that know me, will know of my ultimate goal. My dreams for a better country, ruled by one man and his ideals. But although you have always heard me babble on the subject you have never heard of how I would rule.

Here are my 14 easy steps to government control.

1- Powerful and Continuing Nationalism

My regime will tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2- Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights

Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in my regime are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people will tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3- Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause

The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4- Supremacy of the Military

Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and if need be, the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5- Rampant Sexism

The governments of my nation tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under my regime, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.

6- Controlled Mass Media

The media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, will be very common.

7- Obsession with National Security

Fear will be used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8- Religion and Government are Intertwined.

The government in my nation will tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology will be common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.

9- Corporate Power is Protected

The industrial and business aristocracy often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10- Labour Power is Suppressed

Because the organizing power of labour is the only real threat to any government, labour unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11- Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts

My nation will tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It will not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and the government will often refuse to fund the arts.

12- Obsession with Crime and Punishment

Under my regime, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people will be often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There will be a national police force with virtually unlimited power in my nation.

13- Rampant Cronyism and Corruption

My regime will almost always be governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability.

14- Fraudulent Elections

Sometimes elections in my nation will be held, but only for the world wide media. These elections will be manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. My nation will also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Pulling on the boots...

Pulling on the boots,
and breaking up the laces,
shaving our head,
and strapping on the braces.

There you have a skinhead,
looking for a fight,
skinhead, skinhead,
running through the night.

skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
panic not to fight.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
get it on the wrist.

making for the lane way,
waiting for the scum,
smash their yellow faces,
kick them up the bum.

When they think we´re pussies,
we will show them none,
skinhead, skinhead,
until the job is done.

Skinhead, skinhead,
putting in the boot,
looking for a street fight,
looking for a route.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the place,
skinhead, skinhead,
stomping on your face.

When the coppers see us,
at first they go for a gun,
but when they see us come to war,
it´s then they start to run.

When we wear our badges,
it makes us real proud,
skinhead, skinhead,
shout it out loud.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
starting lots of fights.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
paint it on the wrist.

skinhead, skinhead....