A Letter to God

Sent: 8th April 2008 •
To: The Lord God Almighty •
Subject: A Quick Word

Dear Father Who Art in Heaven,

Apologies for writing this letter to you on the day of the Pope's funeral, but as you're omnipotent I thought
you could probably still manage to show him around and read this at the same time. Regardless, I'll try to
keep this brief as I know you're very busy being utterly indifferent to the suffering of mankind:


What the fuck are you playing at?

Okay, perhaps that's a little too brief. If you'll avoid turning me into a pillar of salt or having a plague
of locusts descend on my house for the next five minutes I'll explain my concerns in a little more detail.
You may want to have a seat before continuing, assuming for one second that someone who is both everywhere
and nowhere at the same time is capable of sitting down.

That's a point - if you made man in your own image how come I'm not an unfeasibly large invisible giant too?
Actually there are one or two questions I have regarding your existence and the contents of the Bible which
I'll throw into this letter, and which I hope you can answer should you take the time to reply. That's not
my main reason for writing, however. Oh my goodness no.

I'll admit I haven't been a regular church goer. In fact since leaving primary school I've only ever set foot
inside a church to shoot wedding videos, and even this was solely motivated by profit. On the other hand,
however, I don't think I've lived my life in sin, or at least in no more sin than the vast majority of your
flock, and in less than the majority of the Catholic church.

In fact, to illustrate how scarcely I sin (other than low key, everyday sins, obviously, because let's face
it, if I was to avoid all sin I'd have to somehow force myself to slip into a coma), let's take a look at
the Ten Commandments:

I. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

I don't. I'm strictly 100% atheist and worship no gods of any description whatsoever. I've dabbled in Buddhism,
but then Buddhism is not centred round the concept of there being one true god, so I don't think it counts.

In fact when you think of it, this commandment is pretty stupid. What other gods are there these days? I
don't really expect there's a large following for Thor the God of Thunder any more, at least not outside
of Marvel Comics. If you ever get round to having the Bible updated (and if you do I'm more than willing
to help with the rewrite) I think you can safely drop this commandment.


Have I broken this commandment?: No.


II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

I don't even know what this means, so I don't reckon I've done it. Was this the thing about all the folk at the
bottom of the mountain having made a cow out of gold and started worshipping it while Moses was up getting these
commandments carved in stone? How bored do you have to be to decide to build a cow out of solid gold??

In fact if it only took you a week to create the Earth and everything in it how come it took you like a month
to write the ten commandments? If it was writer's block I can relate to that. Or did you come up with loads of
other commandments that had to be whittled down to the final ten? "Though shalt not throw toads at a wall"
and the like?

Whatever, how pissed off were you when Moses smashed them to smithereens when he got to the bottom of the
mountain? Way to go with the temper losing Moses. Man I bet he was sheepish when he came back up to ask for
another copy.


Have I broken this commandment?: No.


III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.

Okay, I've done this, but Christ, who hasn't? I'll give you this one though, since I've actually been pulled
up for saying "for God's sake" by an old woman in the past, so there must be people out there who strictly
adhere to it.


Have I broken this commandment?: Yes.


IV. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

I'm unsure on this one. I like to think I've kept the sabbath day holy in a relaxed, informal sense. A sitting
about watching telly in my pants kind of sense. Do I go to church every Sunday? No, I don't, I'll give you
that, but then in order to keep the sabbath day holy in the way intended in the Bible no-one should be going
to the shops or drinking alcohol or driving cars or anything, and I don't believe there's more than a handful
of people in the world who can say that.

Except maybe the Amish.

And no, I'm aware it doesn't mention anything about driving cars in the Bible, but it does say you're supposed
to walk everywhere on the sabbath, so the driving cars bit is definitely inferred.

So on balance then I reckon I've kept the sabbath just about as holy as everyone else has, so assuming you're
not going to have everyone but the Amish cast into the fiery pits of Hell for breaking this one, I'm going to
assume it remains relatively unbroken by me.


Have I broken this commandment?: No (ish).


V. Honour thy father and thy mother.

Oh, I do. They may get on my nerves from time to time, but everyone gets on my nerves from time to time, so
it's no reflection on them. I'll admit I'm struggling to recall specific incidents of me honouring them, but
there's a vague kind of generic honouring going on most of the time.


Have I broken this commandment?: No.

VI. Thou shalt not kill.

I'm definitely in the clear on this one! Even the police said that guy was just a tragic accident and that
I'd tried my best to grab him before he stepped in front of that train.

Have I broken this commandment?: No, and I dare any fucker to say different.


VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Hmm. Again this is a tricky one. Depends how you class adultery. If it has to involve relations of a physical
nature, then no, I haven't. If it also includes spending time with another woman on the sly while in a
relationship with someone else, then yes, I have.

I'll put me down as a "don't know".

Have I broken this commandment?: Maybe.


VIII. Thou shalt not steal.

Once when I was about seven I absent-mindedly walked out of a shop without paying for the newspapers I had been
sent to buy for my parents (see how I honour them?), but I realised about half way home and went back in to pay
for them. Does that count? If so I reckon you're being a little bit harsh.

I'm going to assume because I didn't actually steal anything for more than a few minutes that I'm in the clear.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.


IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

I once told a story about a neighbour who is a pub singer falling off his stool while performing but "magically"
continuing to sing uninterrupted due to him having been miming his way through his entire repertoire, but to the
best of my knowledge that's true, so it doesn't count as false witness.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

X. Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.

When I was a student the guy in the flat above had an eighteen year old daughter who would come to visit who I
found very attractive. I wouldn't say I "coveted" her as such, more just quite liked the idea of seeing her naked.
Never did though. Shame.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.


So there you have it. Of the ten commandments I've broken one, been a bit iffy on two and adhered to the rest. I
haven't been a bad person all things considered.

So what's with the grudge you appear to have against me? Why have you singled me out for special treatment?
Don't try to deny it, the facts speak for themselves. I'm not going to go into great detail on all the things
you've inflicted upon me over the years because you know them all too well. In fact I wouldn't be at all
surprised if you have a spreadsheet of them printed out and pinned to your office wall, just below an A3 sized
artist's impression of my crying face.

It may strike you as odd that I, a self-confessed atheist, am writing to you to question your motives, but the
answer is very simple. Either I accept that you do exist and that for reasons unknown you fucking hate me, or
I assume all blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life and actively do something to improve the
situation. Though it has taken a radical shift in my thinking, I've decided to go for the former, simply
because I don't fancy facing up to the crushing realisation that I am the captain of my own destiny and that
the majority of my woes have been caused solely by my own actions.

Take, for example, the old penis in the zip incident back when I was sixteen. You remember that one, don't you
God? Granted it was me and not you who caught the old chap in the fly of my Levis, but I'm not the first to do
it and I'm reasonably confident I won't be the last.

How many others, however, awoke next morning to find themselves literally pissing blood all over their sheets?
How many others had to face the indignation of walking through a crowded doctor's surgery with a plastic bag
apparently designed for just such a purpose held firmly over their genitals? Very few, I'll bet. My I bet Noah
laughed at that one when you told him about it in the bar that evening.

Oh, and as an aside, Noah lived to be how old? Nine hundred and fifty it says in the Bible, but that's got to be
some kind of misprint, right? I mean I thought people were living longer these days, but I don't think anyone
is even close to getting a second telegram from the Queen, let alone their ninth! No wonder his beard was so
huge. Man I bet he bored the arse off everyone for the last few hundred years banging on about that boat he
built. "Yeah, yeah, Noah, big flood, animals went in two by two, we've all heard it". Does he still talk about
it now?

In fact, now I think about it, can you explain this:

Genesis 8:20 Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird and
offered burnt offerings on the altar.

Am I right in thinking that after saving all the animals and birds from the great flood Noah then killed and
burnt one of each of them?? How does that work? Didn't that defeat the entire point? I also couldn't let the
next bit pass without comment:

8:21 And the LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the
ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy
every living thing, as I have done.

Yeah, you can't beat that smell of burning giraffe, can you? What's with the talking to yourself, though?
More importantly, how did whoever wrote this know you were talking to yourself? And the intent of man's heart
is evil from his youth? Fuck that's bleak. What's the point in even trying if we're all inherently evil anyway?

Seems to me though that you're regretting the whole flood business. Does that mean you made a mistake? I thought
you were infallible? Isn't that the whole basis for religion, that your word is beyond question?

I really hope you can answer some of these and help clear up the confusion, because I'll be honest, I'm starting
to lose that little nugget of belief again, and I don't want to accept any responsibility for my own life if
at all possible.

Reading back over it, I'm struggling to find the purpose of this letter, but I think it basically boils down to
"stop picking on me". In fact, how about you stop picking on everyone? Enough with the Tsunamis and the
earthquakes and the famine and the wars in your name. Cut that shit out. And don't give me none of that
"free will" nonsense. What, it's man's free will to be sitting on the toilet when a fifty foot tidal wave
smashes his house to rubble? On one level yes, I suppose it is, but on so many other levels it's just plain
nastiness on your part.

Man can only have free will if all the information is presented to him, so perhaps if the Archangel Gabriel
had gone door to door saying "by the way a fuck off great wave is going to kill you next week if you stay here"
then I'd have accepted the free will argument, but to the best of my knowledge no such house call was conducted.

When I was about six a Salvation Army person came to the school and said something which stuck with me forever:
"Every time we see a rainbow it reminds us of God's love".

I took this to mean that you, the aforementioned God, were making the rainbows appear as a little reminder of
how much you love us. Tell you what though, keep the rainbows, and stop randomly killing hundreds of thousands
of people on a whim. Sound fair? Perhaps if you stop heaping the tragedy onto people they won't need your
multi-coloured distractions and can instead happily get on with their lives in peace? Just a thought.

Anyway, sorry I didn't quite pull off the brevity thing, but then being God you probably received this letter
before I was even born or something, so chances are it hasn't interrupted your working day too much.

I look forward to your reply, or that of the thousands of zealots who shall now likely attempt to kill me in
your name. Get them told to ease off with the fatwahs too.

Amen,

biker description rant

I know this is a rant but whatever, I put it in the rant section also. Every once in a while I take an easy ride on the bike path. By the time I am done I swear never again. A month later I don’t want to go to the fells and repeat the same mistake again. I know the bike path is for everyone but HOLY SHIT there are some really annoying people on it.

1) Two-A-Breasters: There is a reason the bike path has a yellow line. You ass wipes ride (or walk) side by side and hog the whole thing. Get with the program! The only good thing about you are your screams of fright as I blow by you without warning.

2) Queer-Eye-For-The-Biker-Guy: I realize that it is possible to buy an entire suit made from Spandex. It is also possible to beat off with a cheese grater, that doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. If you were you going fast enough to make wind resistance an issue I might be more understanding but you are usually granny-gearing it as you swerve around trying to adjust your $200 sunglasses. Spend less time buying expensive crap and more time riding.

3) Slow-And-Lowers: Do you know that you can adjust your bike seat so that you don’t look like a bear riding a mini-bike at the circus? Take the 30 goddamn seconds to raise the freakin’ seat. Your back will thank you and you’ll be able to break 12 miles per hour with out blowing out a knee cap.

4) Sky-Bar-Enders: Bar ends ARE NOT for getting your hand six inches above the handle bars. They should not be pointing straight up in the goddamn air! If you don’t know exactly why you would want bar ends then YOU DON’T NEED THEM. They are not a convenient resting place for your chubby hands. They are for getting your weight forward during a STEEP TECHNICAL CLIMB. I hope you impale yourself on them after you hit a tree because you couldn’t reach the brake lever in time.

5) Richie-Dick: Yah you, the guy with the 3000 euro full suspension big hit bike poking along the bike trail. The biggest hit you have ever taken was when you got butt raped by the guy who sold you that bike. YOU SUCK! You are the same dumbass who buys a Lexus SUV so you can gun it when you roll over some construction on a main Avenue. You buy a sweet bike and then ride it on freakin’ pavement. I know you have never hit the trail cause’ there is NO DIRT on the thing. Not a spek. Plus you look like a pussy. Either take it off pavement or give it to someone who will.

6) On-Your-Late: Ok there is absolutely nothing wrong with a well timed “On your left” but here is the thing. The whole point of saying it is to warn the rider in front of you that you will soon pass them. Not that you are already next to them on their left side! If your bike is next to mine, IT’S TOO FREAKIN LATE. If we were going to collide we would have. You screaming “On your left” in my ear at that point will only increase the chances of me making an error and crashing into you. Just pass you retard.

7) The HFS (Huge Fucking Stroller): HOLY SHIT! Are you running a cloning lab? If your stroller needs a brake it’s too damn big. Take your kids to the playground and play some tag or something. Jesus, there are bikes flying by at 30 miles per hour. If one hits you your kid will fucking die. I know you think the world will stop for you and your precious little angels but get a clue. Three words “Severe Head Trauma”.

8) Woof-Woof-Splat: Keep your dog on a leash you ass. First of all it’s the FUCKING LAW. Second of all your dog is dumb. So dumb in fact, that it will run in front of my bike to eat some piece of shit left by another jackass dog walker. I WILL hit your dog. I will not get killed or hurt somebody else trying to swerve around Fido. I almost died last year trying to avoid an unleashed dog and will not repeat the mistake. I love dogs but I like my unbroken bones better. Take responsibility for your pet.

9) Roller Bladers: You all suck ass, flailing your arms wildly as you coast along on you roller skates. YES they are roller skates and thus, quite lame. I don’t care if the wheels are “inline”. You jackasses suck so hard I have to break you down into sub-categories of suck.

9.A) Newbi-Tard: You people are ridiculous. You are all decked out in helmets and pads. You mostly look terrified as your (usually fat) ass careens down the very slight grade of the trail. Here is a hint. If you don’t know how to STOP then it probably isn’t safe for you or anyone else for you to be on the path. I swear one of you is gonna fall in front of me and get an imprint of my front sprocket on your fat thighs.

9.B) Pack Of Newbi-Tards: See above but clustered together, literally hanging onto each other for protection. You are worse than the individuals. You take up the WHOLE TRAIL so nobody can pass. Heed the dirty looks you get and go find a freaking parking lot. I hope to kick one of you as I ride by and watch as you all fall over in a flabby whimpering heap.

9.C) Hot Chicks With Skimpy Outfits: The only reason you suck is because you are fully clothed and make me slow down to check you out. Other than that you rock.

9.D) Super Sweet Doooods: You guys are sooo fucking gay it’s not even funny. You think you are awesome as you take up the whole trail gliding back and forth in super sweet slow motion. I dream of you flying off the trail and getting wrapped around a tree.

People Of Mention:
Having been on the path more than a few times I have come to recognize a select few people who require special attention.

The kid who shot me with a plastic BB gun: I saw you hiding behind the bush well before you shot me. You were lucky I was going fast when the yellow BB hit my chest and thus had to slow down a little before leaping off my bike and chasing you as far as your back yard. You were scared shitless which is good because you could kill someone doing that shit. If I ever see you again you won’t be so lucky.

The 35 people who rode by me pretending I didn’t exist as I asked for a spare tube or a patch kit after blowing both of my spare tubes: You all suck ass. A very nice lady eventually stopped and gave me a patch. I know I was covered in mud but come on people. I always stop and ask people if they need help, common freaking courtesy.

The Decked Out Intense Midget Woman: OK you are not actually a midget but you do look very small. Or perhaps you look small in comparison to the mounds of crap attached to your mountain bike which is too big for you and I am sure has never left the pavement. Not only do you fall into categories 2, 4, 5 and 6. You were also one of the 35 jerks who didn’t help me. In fact you looked me in the eye and didn’t even slow down. I KNOW you have every sort of tool and tube imaginable packed away in your various slings and packs yet you rode by as if I were invisible. You look like a goddamn scuba diver with your neoprene outfit and mirrors sticking off of every available part of your bike. I see you on Liberty Avenue. from time to time in the morning on my way to work. You look retarded. And why do you hang a huge plastic bag from your bar ends?!?!?! It looks like your gear makes you waterproof to the depth of at least 15 meters. What are the bags doing? Worst of all YOU ARE SLOW!!!!! God you are slow. Jettison some of your useless shit and maybe I won’t blow by you 4 times in one ride.

Tubby Guy On The Tiny Road Bike: I’ve only seen you a few times. Once I passed you through an intersection not knowing that this would enrage you so much that you would be forced to almost hit me as you sprinted past me sneering. I must say I was impressed, you hauled ass dude. I’m guessing you didn’t keep it up very long tho. If I hadn’t been on the tail end of a five hour ride I would have raced.

Gay Guys On The Tandem Bike: I am assuming that you are gay simply because I don’t know any straight guys who would go in 50/50 on a bright yellow tandem Cannondale and then ride it regularly in spandex forgive me if I am wrong. I haven’t seen you guys in a year or so. You were my arch rivals. Holy crap you were fast. One time I kept up with you (on the downhill) for a few minutes and almost died. I swear you would slow down until I got close and then take off again. I salute you, you bright yellow bastards. Oh and good call making the one eyed guy ride in back.

People Who Rock: Yes there are some people who rock! I’m not a total asshole.

Hard core road bikers: Holy crap you guys (and gals) are fast as hell, keep it up.
Mountain Unicyclers: I’ve seen you in the fells and there is only one word for you BADASS!!!!!!!!
Messengers/Anyone on a fixed gear with no brakes: You know it but I’ll say it anyway. Elite.
Trials Riders: I wish I had skills like that.
Little Kids with Big Helmets: You rock, two thumbs up!

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.





Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Console Wars

You have to feel sorry for everyone that plumped for the PS3 over the 360. Not the Sony diehards that would buy a polished poo if it had the Sony logo on. No, I’m talking about those poor souls who were stood in Comets humming and hawing over which console to buy and plumped for the shiny black plastic thing that had a familiar name.

Because it just hasn’t delivered on its initial promise, has it? And sure, PS3 owners put on a brave face and try to sound like they’re not bothered that they backed the wrong horse, but that’s just because they paid a ton of money for something that really isn’t worth it.

That’s not to say the PS3 won’t become a great console in the future. I’m sure it will. Of course it will. Remember when the PS2 was about to come out? It was hyped as being the greatest thing EVER. Better than Jesus, better than a cure for cancer, better than peace in the Middle East.

But when it did eventually arrive, everyone went ‘Yeah, it looks great and all that, but where are the games?’ Back then, the hype did the job it was supposed to do, which was completely kill the excellent and hideously over looked Dreamcast, one of the most spectacular consoles the world has ever seen and which was eventually bought by approximately 50 people.

PS3 or Xbox 360 (or even the Nintendo Wii)? The console wars rage ever on over on the message boards.

A quick game of Chu Chu Rocket anyone? Shameful the way that beautiful little grey box was treated. And it died a death all because of Sony’s aggressive marketing campaign.

I’m not saying the PS2 wasn’t a stunning machine. It was fantastic. It just took a year after the actual release of the bloody thing for anything vaguely decent and next gen to come out. Meanwhile, the kids are at home playing some crappy fireworks simulator pretending they’re having a great time.

The exact same thing is happening with the PS3, but this time it hasn’t worked anywhere near as well as Sony had expected. Firstly, the 360 came out and is as close to perfect as you can get. Don’t get me wrong, I may be in the employ of Microsoft to write this column, but there is no way I’m taking dirty money.

I am allowed to say exactly what I want to about any console or game. And you’ll see over the coming months that Xbox doesn’t get off scot-free. But even the biggest Playstation fan has to admit that the 360 is just great. And it had enough of a head start over Sony to actually tempt a few people away.

Then there was the ridiculous sale price for the PS3. Something like 70 billion million hundred pounds. I exaggerate slightly for piss poor comic effect, but you get the idea. Way over budget for your casual gamer. Even me, with my millions, wasn’t going to spend that much on it. Oh no, I got mine free. And I have used it precisely once.

And what the sodding hell is Blu-ray all about? That’s not even how you spell blue. It should have an ‘e’ at the end, B-L-U-E! Not Blu. Pathetic. Yes, it may have beaten HD DVD, a format I didn’t even know existed until the announcement that it was being withdrawn, but are people really going to dump their old DVD players to watch something that is a) only slightly better quality and b) more expensive?

I even got sent a free copy of Casino Royale when I registered my PS3 online, and I haven’t watched it out of protest. I lost big time in the great Betamax/VHS wars of the early 80s. Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit I backed totally the wrong horse then. I went for Betamax. Excellent quality but only 3 films available to rent.

Oh the shame of going into the then new video libraries and having to shuffle into a corner to spend literally seconds browsing through the Beta titles that were half-filling one tiny shelf.

And do you know what? It was Sony that got me a severe kicking on several occasions in school because I didn’t have VHS. For that reason, I shall certainly NOT be supporting another nancy boy, nonsense format that Sony have just made up in an attempt to look all clever and cool. No. Not again.

And don’t get me started on the online services. That’s a whole rant in itself. Suffice to say, one console offers a sublime, beautiful, wondrous, joyful online experience, while the other is guff. I’ll leave it to you to try and work out which is which.

Look, I’m not saying I’m never going to play PS3 again, all I’m saying is it’s going to take something pretty special to get me to try and find the controllers and start up the thing. It will happen, I just don’t know when.

So if you choose Sony or Microsoft its up to you, but I'm sticking to my 360...

Discuss.

Airport rant

One of the privileges of blogging is that it permits you to vent your anger occasionally, at those that cause you problems. I´m currently working at a major international airport and it is one of the worst airports in the world.

So step forward Lisbon airport to claim your prize. I salute your incompetence, your rude & unhelpful staff, and your corporate disrespect for customer service.

People know that an occupational hazard with many flight companies is overbooking. Rightly or wrongly, it happens, and when it does, I grit my teeth because I know that a few passengers will be pissed off and general come towards me with their anger, but they will never remember this is why flights are sometimes relatively cheap. Many flight companies have the same problems, but why oh why is it always with TAP. (Transport Air Portugal)

I cannot deal with the millions of customers (usually fifteen flights at the same time, at the same check in, in which they have to catch a flight to a hub, narrowly making the connection to the second flight as it is boarding..... and then finding that their seats (for which they already hold a boarding pass & had checked in for 4 hours earlier) has been given to someone else. The next flight to the same destination being the next morning, 12 hours later.... Why TAP why!!!!!!

... and the fact that its aircrew aren't interested in helping ("Ask the ground staff about transfers when you arrive, it's not my job"), its ground staff are intransigent ("The flight is full") and its customer (dis)service personnel aren't empowered to make decisions and rudely deny they have European-law mandated compensation forms ("write in to the PR department") make it even worse!!

An airline that has a policy of bumping transfer passengers (In fact this happens alot with TAP), deserves to go out of business. So, I'm posting this in the hope that I contribute, in some small way, to the future downfall of the company & its acquisition by an airline that runs a business, not a bureaucracy.

My advice: don't travel by TAP, especially on a transit flight via Lisbon.

The second part of this rant is about their security in the airport. I was actually working when I noticed that my airport security card (The one that hangs around my neck with my photo, areas that i am allowed to enter and expiry date) was about to expire. I contacted my ANA supervisor, (which was a lovely woman with a huge attitude!!!!) and told her the situation. The fact of the matter was that the employment agency still hadn´t sent the paperwork to update my card and so she told me to keep working and hopefully I could continue past security without them noticing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there I was, two weeks later with an outdated security card, STILL WORKING!!!!!!! Not one guard noticed my card, not one! I walked into secure areas that no passenger has ever been. Into areas that could easily have been a major security headache and a once in a lifetime chance for a terrorist. Security was awful and I mean awful. They contract a security company 'cos its cheaper than the police and once they know your face they don´t bother checking your card. Remeber terrorists, be friendly, always have a smile on your face and Lisbon security will overlook the obvious, with their cheap Brazilian labour force!!!

Step forward Lisbon airport, its time to claim your prize as the most incompetent airport in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

The wife, romance and global warming rant

Something my wife is into the moment, and it´s doing my fucking head in, is pebbles!!!! She collects them!
I don´t mean normal pebbles, I mean varnished ones in a dish. They´r fucking everywhere in our house!! Bowls of the fucking things everywhere!! I said to her yesterday:
"Where did you go yesterday? Fucking skimming!!!"
The bloody things just appear. You turn around and theirs a mound of fucking aggrogate in the lounge! She didn´t take it likely when I asked her if she was formimg her own beach!
I think there is a conspiracy going on with some women... Think about it! There miles of portuguese coastline going missing, global warming???? Bollocks its in our lounge!
Our planet has heated up 5% in the last ten years due to bloody candles!!! That´s whats fucking up the planet... Her candles!!!
It´s fucking pebbles, candles and now cushions!!! Not normal cushions. Oh no, small shitty tiny things which she calls scatter cushions. Scatter bloody everywhere!!! Their tiny, I mean who made them? The Fraggles??? Bloody everywhere, they are! Their the same size as a sand bag.
I think she expects me to fill them with sand, put them up against the door because the global tides are comming because she´s depleting the coastline and eating up the planet with her FUCKING CANDLES!!!!

Me: "We´re drowning!"

Her: "Yeah, but theirs a lovely smell of Jasmin."

Candles everywhere in our house! And you can´t light them. Oh no! God forbid! Their ornaments! Bloody ornaments!!!!

Another thing right, is when she lights one of the cheap candles. You know the ones you get in a clear bag with 15,000 candles for 5.99!! Usually lit at dinner time ´cos she says its romantic. ROMANTIC????

"Jesus love switch the light on, I can´t see the food. I´m not Charles Fucking Dickens!!!!!"

Have you ever sat their by candle light. Everything flickering. The foods moving around, her face is wobbling, the rooms jumping around...

Me: "Switch the light on love I´m fucking tripping!!!"

Her: "Well theirs no need to be sarcastic, I´m just creating the mood."

Me: "Well you got me in one!!!!"

Women!!!! Why are they so complicated???? They love romance which is cool but why has it have to be so complicated?? For example:
Have you ever had a night in with your wife or girlfriend, you have nice meal and then they come out with these really mad suggestions like...

"Let´s have a bath together. It´ll be just like the films..."

But it isn´t is it? `Cos women like to have their bath water so fucking HOT!!!! Have you ever seen a woman get out of the bath? Their red up to their necks! It looks like their wearing a low cut bloody dress. Even a lobster would put his claw in the bath and say Fuck That!!!
And have you noticed that they´r always in the bath before us? Thats so they can Romantically watch you walk in completely naked and Romantically get into the bath while holding your nuts above your head!! Remember girls boiling hot water and bollocks don´t mix!
And why do we always get the tap end? Your in the bath and the tap is dripping hot hater on your back every so often. Yeah love reaaaalllly romantic!!! Yeah well its all happening down our end. We´ve got the shower head dripping on our skull, the tap dripping on our backs!!!! Then you look down to the other end of the bath and she´s in the lounge position!!!! What the hell can you do in a four foot bath that's romantic. Nothing!!!!
She says: "Wash my back darling."
So you agree and move into position, but as you both move you squeek everywhere as your skin rubs against the porceline!! It sounds like a couple of donkeys fighting over a watering hole.

Is romance dead??? Your guess is as good as mine!!!

Homeless Fakes and why they annoy me!

It's happened to all of us. Its 8:30 am , you are sitting at a red light on your way to your shit job. You're sipping on your luke-warm coffee, humming along with your local radio stations shit "top 40" you drone on to every day...when all of a sudden, a horrifying figure appears in your mirror. An effing "homeless" guy! He’s floating around like a piece of shit, flaunting his half assed sign in your window, trying to finagle a euro or two from your already thin wallet. For what? So he can go and buy a fifth of whiskey to help him forget about the life he had before his children died in an avalanche, which finally pushed his wife over the heterosexual cliff into the sea of lesbianism.

Now, I feel bad for homeless people. Lol. The thought of a person, with no place to go, crying uncontrollably while trying to maintain an erection in the blistering winter cold, just to savour a split second of orgasmic joy, truly aches my shallow heart. BUT, don't get confused ladies and gentlemen, beggars ARE NOT homeless! Beggars are lazy fucks that don't feel like working a corporate McDonalds job, so they waddle their asses down to a busy intersection to trick YOU into supporting their family and/or hooker fisting fetish.

"But, How do you know they aren't really homeless?" The fact that you would even ask me that question insults me. Someone stupid enough to fall for this scam doesn't belong driving a car. They belong in the cars path so that their body ends up flattened like a bloody, fleshy, bone infused pancake; however, since I am the most helpful person on the World Wide Web, I will tell you how to decipher the beggars from the homeless.

-The fabrication of their sign. This is an immediate giveaway. Real homeless people have no idea how to write. If the wording on the sign is legible and comprehensible, spit in their face and turn away. If you happen to forget about the grammar aspect, check out the writing medium. Anything used to create the sign besides blood; feces or road sludge is bogus. The other day I passed a "Falsey" holding a sign done in 4 different marker colours. You read that right, 4! Come on! If I’m supposed to believe he is homeless, then decorating his cardboard with the 25 euro cents worth of "Thick Tipped Quad Pack pens" shouldn’t even be in the equation. I have a full-time job and I can’t even afford that shit.

-The context of their sign. If the sign reads, "I am a Colonial War Soldier Survivor", they better be elderly, missing all their limbs, completely nude and sporting an "Angola is Ours" tattoo that takes up their whole back... not a 30 year old with soot smeared on his cheeks. If they don’t meet my required description to a T, they aren’t homeless, and they aren’t getting my Euros. If their sign reads, "I am mentally challenged, please help", throw a Coke can at them and drive away. Retarded people don’t need money! What are they going to spend it on? Chew toys? Now that I’m thinking about it, the only way I'd give my money to a "sign holder" would be if it read, "Give me your fucking money or I'll rape your whole fucking family!" That gets my attention and sparks my interest! Here sir, have a crisp European note!

-Their attire. All of these "Falsey's" dress in stereotypical homeless clothing. Dirty, torn shirts with mismatched stained pants to make it look like they have roughed the elements for a significant amount of time. PHONEY! Do you know where they went wrong? While they were creating these costumes, they used clothes from the year 2000. If you are really homeless and wearing those clothes, then you have only been without shelter for 7 years, so stop being a pussy! The homeless people that get my sympathy are the ones with dirty dunlop trainers and a "Button Your Fly" t- shirt. That means that the last time they could afford to purchase clothing, Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" was topping the charts on the top 100. I barely remember that far back, what a trooper! I also toss a coin to the individual dawning an old wool blanket draped upon their bare body. Homeless or not, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. They are obviously dedicated, and I respect that.

-Their location. Regardless of what you may believe, homeless people don't know how to walk, so how the hell did they get to the busiest intersection in Portugal? We all know that they didn’t crawl! Since we were infants, society has conditioned us to kick and elbow drop any and all homeless people that we happen to see crawling about. So obviously, they would have been dead after only a few feet. The only other option is that they took a bus. The bus costs money that homeless people can't afford to spend, so they are counterfeits and I hope they get a deadly infection in their cock vein! No, I'm not just making up excuses to not help out these so-called, "homeless" individuals, that is nonsensical to the absurd power! If I’m walking around downtown and I’m in the giving mood, I will look in the alleys. Real homeless people only reside in dark narrow alleys, covered in litter. I’m more apt to shell out a couple ducats to the poor sap sandwiched within a shoebox, covered in his own piss instead of the bored looking guy wearing a beanie and camo jacket on the corner of Great War Avenue. Plus, authentic de-sheltered individuals are ready and willing to put on an improvisational comedic act to earn your cash. Paying to watch a grown man with a rat living in his beard humiliate himself by doing the Electric Slide, is definitely money well spent! It is a service that I am more than willing to support!

So, before one of you stinkies comes a tappin' on my windscrean, make sure to have proof of your misfortune. If I smell bullshit, and you aren't covered in it, you just earned yourself a collapsed windpipe. Looks like you'll have to beg for money elsewhere now so you can afford one of those electronic voice box transmitters... those are funny.

Guns and shit.

Apparently I´m a gun. Not just any gun!!
Check out what gun you are at:

http://www.quizilla.com/users/ReverendDeWald/quizzes/What%20Gun%20Are%20You?/

Liar Liar, pants on fire!!!

Nothing in this world infuriates me more than knowing that the bullshit that has just come out of a pathological liar’s mouth is an absolute falsehood, but I have no concrete means to challenge this fictitious claim. I like to call this THE UNCONFIRMABLE LIE. It serves no purpose, no logical thinking person will ever believe it, but on what basis can we actually mount a dispute?
Usually these lies revolve around encounters with the opposite sex. “I totally fucked the hot new secretary at my work last night”. Yeah, sure you did. Very convenient that none of us were around to see if you actually mustered an ounce of game, of which you’ve never displayed before on all the occasions all of us are out, and actually managed to coerce this lovely female into bed with you. Yeah, I believe that. I also believe that a magical rabbit hops around my yard come spring time leaving me chocolates in the grass. You don’t need to wow us with your sexual conquests, we’re your friends already, and we don’t judge you. Except for that time we caught you spreading jam on your scrotum and forcing that stray dog to lick it clean. Yet despite past history and all signs pointing to an untruth, I have no definitive proof that what you are saying is a sham.

These false pretenses also typically arise in situations when said imposter describes behavior that appears uncharacteristic. “These four huge guys were coming at me, so I stepped up and knocked the biggest one out with one punch and the others just backed off.” Oh yeah, I believe that one. Especially since the last fight I saw you in was with that poor kid with narcolepsy and he managed to stay awake long enough to slap you around pretty good. You obviously feel the need to prove your masculinity further with tales of combat and danger. What purpose does this tall tale serve? Do you believe that I will admire you, fear you, or respect you? You had my respect, until the moment you thought I’d believe that crap. But I digress. Once again, I have no way to firmly prove that the words excreting from your mouth are indeed the counterfeit I know them to be.

It puzzles me as to why people actually do this. Perhaps they think that since there is no proof that it didn’t happen, it MUST have happened. Or maybe they just believe that everyone is foolish enough to believe those absurd lies. Either way, that’s one crazy rationale. You go ahead and enjoy it. I think they call it delusions of grandeur in psychiatric circles. Send me a line sometime from the asylum, I hear they have these nice padded rooms and these cool jackets, they’re really straight.