My newest invention

A child. But not just any child, oh no my children, I fear that you do not comprehend my exceedingly superincumbent intellect because you have small brains, and do not function the same way I do.

See, as I write this admirable, tasteful, amazing piece of work, I am simultaneously drawing blueprints and injecting foreign serums (like scopolamine and thiopental sodium, but the thiopental sodium is just a sugar substitute, so it's not doing much at all, except giving rare forms of cancer to my 'patients') into several of my clientele. All of my clients have signed a contract and have approved this, or what is being called, but not exigently is, "an abhorrent, revolting and completely tasteless experiment performed by Dr. Feral Pariah. He is a sick and unethical human being and he is NOT here to better the world."

But I say NAY to this corrupt, childish criticism, for I am here to not only better the world, but to make people perceive contrastingly, to think outside of the box. These critics are nothing but nuisances condoning senseless behavior. Anywho, what I was getting at, what I was getting at, well, I was getting at inventing children with my ultramodern and untouched piece of medicinal genius. This piece of genius is:

Glass babies

In my studies, I have found that I have lived with various women for most of my adult life, and I have found them to be, well, to put it lightly, a bitch. Oh dear. Anyway, these bitches oftentimes complain to me about the pains of childbirth, and how women are stronger than men - and I am here to do nothing but invalidate and absolutely obliterate the superiority women think they have, and to do this, I must inject women with my new serum, which I entitled BMFG.

Babies
Made
of
Fucking
Glass.

Now, this serum is simply injected into the subject, thus creating a liquid fetus which grows inside of the body whenever chocolate is consumed. The sugar in the chocolate coats the glass, which causes an extensive, almost allergic reaction to the glass. The sugar saturates the glass, the chemicals combusting and maturing. Soon, the glass will grow large in the stomach of the woman comparable to that of a live, human fetus. Shortly thereafter, the woman will have to give birth a live, glass baby.


I'm sure most women will find this invention deplorable, which is why I am inventing this for men. Women have their anti-rape devices, and their home-shopping network and their god damned magazines, but I'll tell you, my good sirs, that they will NOT have their dignity after they give birth to a glass baby. Since the glass is saturated with the chocolate, it will become easier to dispute the integrity of the glass, causing it to shatter whenever the muscles of the vagina contract. This will lead to massive shards left in their vaginas, which they will have to treat by themselves, because no doctor treats those kinds of incidents.

One last thing - women, don't try to turn it around on men. Since the serum is explicitly used on women, using it on a man is a very bad idea. See, the estrogen in the women’s blood helps contain the liquid glass, and forming the fetus, but when the serum is mixed into a mans blood, the testosterone reacts differently. The testosterone fused with the serum forms a powerful toxin, which can be spat out of the mans mouth. Once the toxin comes into contact with skin, it burns the skin to a crisp, much like you would think. The effect of the toxin wears off in about ten minutes, which is just enough time to eradicate her face.

So there you have it, a stunning and complete analysis of my newest invention, the glass baby. Men, I hope you will put it to good use.

Citizenship of Stupid People

Hopefully, one of these days...we as a species will learn from our mistakes. For the most part...we seem to have gotten down wiping our asses and not looking directly into the Sun...definitely a step forward from our ancestors, but we need to start doing something about those that fall through the cracks, which mainly consist of Darwin Award Honorable Mentions...y'know, the ones that somehow escape with their lives after they do something astronomically stupid? The only thing wrong with those people is that they live on to possibly spread the idiocy of drinking paint thinner onto the next generation. Given that somehow the majority of civilized people are against outright "neutralization" of those with limited brain capacity and/or function, be it by birth or choice, we need to come up with something fast, because the scourge of stupidity is ever vigilant in bombarding us with countless amounts of "Pull my finger!" and other equally sub-human antics. I'm not here to offer solutions, just ideas. One of which involves passing a law requiring a certain level of intellect to retain citizenship. I mean it; the most dangerous thing on earth is a stupid person with Western European-level freedoms. I know a lot of people have different standards when it comes to stupidity, but we're gonna have to pull it together on this one.

It would basically involve watching your surroundings, and if you happen to observe someone eating paint chips or sniffing markers, report them to authorities, and a Population Control "special" bus, (commonly referred to as the "short bus"), will pick them up, and take them to a testing facility, where they will be given a series of tests to determine their value on many different levels of benefiting future generations. This will be their ONLY chance at redemption. After the volley of tests, if they are deemed fit, they will be returned to the spot where they where picked up, to continue where they left off, be it eating boogers or talking to themselves, because these are often habits of "eccentric" people as well, and most eccentrics are indeed quite intelligent. But fail the tests, and you're citizenship will be revoked, and you'll be shipped off to an island more fitting of the quarter-brained inhabitants of our species.

The island will not be one of cruelty, but rather blissful ignorance, with giant screens playing constant loops of Kevin Costner movies and books on tape. Soon, the island will resonate with the horrific sounds of "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" and "Pee plus Electric Fence equals....uuhhhhh......uummmm...Fun!" After that, we should start seeing an improvement...hopefully.

What to wear when the wife asks you to help with the household chores!!

Lol... Cheers Ben

Careless drivers rant

Long, long ago in a land far, far away, a young boy wearing only a red baseball cap came up with the genius idea of cars. He drew up conceptual pictures, slept with corporate executive men to persuade them into investing in his dream and murdered his entire family so he could turn his own house into the first ever, automobile factory. Who was this young man of brilliance?
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.

Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.

Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.

I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.

Soap Opera rant

Most of Portugal, and probably the rest of the world will disagree with me here, but what are the point or purpose to soaps? The same things just happen over and over again. Woman A sleeps which Man B whilst secretly having a lesbian affair with Woman B who just happens to be Man A's wife and Man B's long lost brother who returned from the dead for the Christmas special. What do people find so interesting about the childishly over-exaggerated storylines by writers who most probably only scraped through Portuguese Literature and social studies at high school? And why oh why do they show so many of them here in Portugal? It´s bed enough we have 15 soaps to each channel, including cable then we have to watch the Brazillian ones as well!!!!

Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?

Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...

like re-runs of the A-team.

Advice rant.

This column in some weird twisted way is my advice to the world. You didn't ask for it, and I don't expect you to follow it, so bite me. But why the hell do people ask for advice when they dont want it? Ok, before I make it seem like I am sexist once again, let me explain why I am going to target girls on this. Plain and simple, 95% of the time this happens, it is done by a woman. Men are taught by society to never, ever ask for things, especially advice. Women like to make jokes about it, like men never asking for directions (OH MY GOOD GOD THATS HEEEELARIOUS!!!!!), but it is their social influence that makes a man percieved weak and therefore a sissy if he isn't in total control at all times. So when a man asks for advice, he really wants it and probably selected you for more than the fact you are the only one in the room. Women dont have to live up to this standard, and therefore what I said about guys don't apply.
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.

It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.


Thats my advice, take it or leave it!

Boss rant

I fucking hate my fucking job and my fucking boss. Please excuse my fucking language. I've always been an optimistic, positive person and I think it's turned me into a bitter whiner. I hate it so much that I've started whacking squirrels off trees with sign posts!!! I'm interviewing to leave, and even though I have potential offers, it will not be soon enough. Every second I spend in that shit hole makes me want to punch innocent old ladies on the street. I just hate hate HATE it. My boss is useless. I mean ABSOLUTELY USELESS! She´s rarely here all day, and when
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!

Employee rant

Right, so every so often I have to go to a certain British company to sort out some personal stuff. Nothing I can mention here... It's personal remember!!!! Anyway, what drives me nuts are how some companies manage to find some of their employees...


British company in Portugal...

Hey!!!!!
Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception-
I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick.
Did you manage to get through Kindergarden?
I think I would respect you more if the answer to that was no.
Where the hell did you learn your English? And how did such a company as large as this one manage to convince itself that you were perfect for the job??
I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like
“who yous callin’ for?” or
“he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favourite,
“who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too.
I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so:
Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

How is this justice

Still emailing me????????

To all of you illegal immigrants still emailing me and giving me shit about my nationalistic views in this blog...

Thanks for the emails and the sacrifice, now Fuck off!!