Careless drivers rant

Long, long ago in a land far, far away, a young boy wearing only a red baseball cap came up with the genius idea of cars. He drew up conceptual pictures, slept with corporate executive men to persuade them into investing in his dream and murdered his entire family so he could turn his own house into the first ever, automobile factory. Who was this young man of brilliance?
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.

Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.

Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.

I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.

Soap Opera rant

Most of Portugal, and probably the rest of the world will disagree with me here, but what are the point or purpose to soaps? The same things just happen over and over again. Woman A sleeps which Man B whilst secretly having a lesbian affair with Woman B who just happens to be Man A's wife and Man B's long lost brother who returned from the dead for the Christmas special. What do people find so interesting about the childishly over-exaggerated storylines by writers who most probably only scraped through Portuguese Literature and social studies at high school? And why oh why do they show so many of them here in Portugal? It´s bed enough we have 15 soaps to each channel, including cable then we have to watch the Brazillian ones as well!!!!

Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?

Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...

like re-runs of the A-team.

Advice rant.

This column in some weird twisted way is my advice to the world. You didn't ask for it, and I don't expect you to follow it, so bite me. But why the hell do people ask for advice when they dont want it? Ok, before I make it seem like I am sexist once again, let me explain why I am going to target girls on this. Plain and simple, 95% of the time this happens, it is done by a woman. Men are taught by society to never, ever ask for things, especially advice. Women like to make jokes about it, like men never asking for directions (OH MY GOOD GOD THATS HEEEELARIOUS!!!!!), but it is their social influence that makes a man percieved weak and therefore a sissy if he isn't in total control at all times. So when a man asks for advice, he really wants it and probably selected you for more than the fact you are the only one in the room. Women dont have to live up to this standard, and therefore what I said about guys don't apply.
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.

It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.


Thats my advice, take it or leave it!

Boss rant

I fucking hate my fucking job and my fucking boss. Please excuse my fucking language. I've always been an optimistic, positive person and I think it's turned me into a bitter whiner. I hate it so much that I've started whacking squirrels off trees with sign posts!!! I'm interviewing to leave, and even though I have potential offers, it will not be soon enough. Every second I spend in that shit hole makes me want to punch innocent old ladies on the street. I just hate hate HATE it. My boss is useless. I mean ABSOLUTELY USELESS! She´s rarely here all day, and when
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!

Employee rant

Right, so every so often I have to go to a certain British company to sort out some personal stuff. Nothing I can mention here... It's personal remember!!!! Anyway, what drives me nuts are how some companies manage to find some of their employees...


British company in Portugal...

Hey!!!!!
Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception-
I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick.
Did you manage to get through Kindergarden?
I think I would respect you more if the answer to that was no.
Where the hell did you learn your English? And how did such a company as large as this one manage to convince itself that you were perfect for the job??
I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like
“who yous callin’ for?” or
“he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favourite,
“who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too.
I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so:
Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

How is this justice

Still emailing me????????

To all of you illegal immigrants still emailing me and giving me shit about my nationalistic views in this blog...

Thanks for the emails and the sacrifice, now Fuck off!!

Wedding rant

Why do women insist on buying the wedding dress?
They wear it once. It costs on average over 2000 Euros (plus shoes and vail).
Why not rent it? Once a person is finished with said dress, it gets put into a box and never looked at again anyway!!!!
Men are the smart ones. Even though we KNOW we will use a tux again, we still rent it. Why? It's simple, we know the next time we do use the stupid thing, we will probably be a different size.
I mean, hell. Even if God forbid a person was to get divorced. That wedding dress would still never be worn again. The girl would simply buy another one. Saying "that one is bad luck," or "It would be tacky to wear the same wedding dress twice."
I mean geez, for all the money that is spent on that one outfit that is worn ONE DAY I could easily buy all sorts of cool shit that I could use EVERYDAY.
Women are so illogical it drives me nuts sometimes!!! And not only that, she now wants a church wedding as well next year so we will have to go through all the nightmare of preperation and more money for the bloody thing. And did she take my suggestion of wearing the same dress again for the church wedding in good spirit???? NAh!!! Just a kick in the chins and a handful of my groin convinced me to start saving now for the bloody thing!! The dress isn´t the only thing that annoys me. Firstly I planned the whole money spending budget like a military campaign, every corner was covered and every cent placed logically to where it was to go... Then she came, looked at the list and said:
"You forgot the miniature bride and groom for the cake!"
"The what?" I said looking at her in amazement.
"The miniature bride and groom" She smiles.
´Ok,´ I thought. ´I can afford another ten euros for two miniature crappy dolls.´
Nope!!! 78 Euros they wanted. 78!!!!!!!!! That´s like 100 quid in real money for a tiny Ken and Barbie look-a-like shitty fucky dolls.
I wanted the plasticine do it yourself pack, but oh no!!! We had to have the 78 Euro bloody things!!!!!!!!!!

Women make my head hurt.

Something funny...

So yeah, i´ve been away for a while and you all missed me right... RIGHT!!!!!?????
Here is something to lighten the mood...

Great To Be A Guy:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress 2000 Euros; Tux rental 100 Euros. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Historical monuments rant

Well my Birthdays come and gone again and yes 35 has come and gone also, but that is not why I am ranting today. My rant is about the over all disgusting condition of most of our historical monuments. Excepting the obvious ones .. The tourist attractors and the Colonial War memorial, and ones that were built in the last 50 years or so, but all the other ones.
Nearly all of the secondary and ancillary monuments, sculptures and fountains are disgusting, the maintenance and repair more resembled the Barreiro at four a.m. (Barreiro being the shit hole town that it is!!!!!) than a tribute to the persons or ideal they were commissioned to honour.
Hell, the WW1 Memorial is listed on the most endangered spaces list.!!
I know we have so few living veterans from WW1, and they are not part of the “Greatest generation” and probably no longer vote, so the government has no interest in showing any gratitude to those who have answered the call. And lord knows we have no more citizens of any of the 19th century wars, or important historical events…
But just how the fuck are we supposed to put forth a picture of beauty, history, honour and portray a genuine concern for those events and gratitude to the past or encourage the people of future generations who are smart enough to know their history!!!! The Government has an out of sight out of mind mentality, which has just got to stop!!!!!!!!!