FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.





Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6


A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

School 1960 vs. School 2007

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.


Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.


Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.


Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.


Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.


Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Console Wars

You have to feel sorry for everyone that plumped for the PS3 over the 360. Not the Sony diehards that would buy a polished poo if it had the Sony logo on. No, I’m talking about those poor souls who were stood in Comets humming and hawing over which console to buy and plumped for the shiny black plastic thing that had a familiar name.

Because it just hasn’t delivered on its initial promise, has it? And sure, PS3 owners put on a brave face and try to sound like they’re not bothered that they backed the wrong horse, but that’s just because they paid a ton of money for something that really isn’t worth it.

That’s not to say the PS3 won’t become a great console in the future. I’m sure it will. Of course it will. Remember when the PS2 was about to come out? It was hyped as being the greatest thing EVER. Better than Jesus, better than a cure for cancer, better than peace in the Middle East.

But when it did eventually arrive, everyone went ‘Yeah, it looks great and all that, but where are the games?’ Back then, the hype did the job it was supposed to do, which was completely kill the excellent and hideously over looked Dreamcast, one of the most spectacular consoles the world has ever seen and which was eventually bought by approximately 50 people.

PS3 or Xbox 360 (or even the Nintendo Wii)? The console wars rage ever on over on the message boards.

A quick game of Chu Chu Rocket anyone? Shameful the way that beautiful little grey box was treated. And it died a death all because of Sony’s aggressive marketing campaign.

I’m not saying the PS2 wasn’t a stunning machine. It was fantastic. It just took a year after the actual release of the bloody thing for anything vaguely decent and next gen to come out. Meanwhile, the kids are at home playing some crappy fireworks simulator pretending they’re having a great time.

The exact same thing is happening with the PS3, but this time it hasn’t worked anywhere near as well as Sony had expected. Firstly, the 360 came out and is as close to perfect as you can get. Don’t get me wrong, I may be in the employ of Microsoft to write this column, but there is no way I’m taking dirty money.

I am allowed to say exactly what I want to about any console or game. And you’ll see over the coming months that Xbox doesn’t get off scot-free. But even the biggest Playstation fan has to admit that the 360 is just great. And it had enough of a head start over Sony to actually tempt a few people away.

Then there was the ridiculous sale price for the PS3. Something like 70 billion million hundred pounds. I exaggerate slightly for piss poor comic effect, but you get the idea. Way over budget for your casual gamer. Even me, with my millions, wasn’t going to spend that much on it. Oh no, I got mine free. And I have used it precisely once.

And what the sodding hell is Blu-ray all about? That’s not even how you spell blue. It should have an ‘e’ at the end, B-L-U-E! Not Blu. Pathetic. Yes, it may have beaten HD DVD, a format I didn’t even know existed until the announcement that it was being withdrawn, but are people really going to dump their old DVD players to watch something that is a) only slightly better quality and b) more expensive?

I even got sent a free copy of Casino Royale when I registered my PS3 online, and I haven’t watched it out of protest. I lost big time in the great Betamax/VHS wars of the early 80s. Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit I backed totally the wrong horse then. I went for Betamax. Excellent quality but only 3 films available to rent.

Oh the shame of going into the then new video libraries and having to shuffle into a corner to spend literally seconds browsing through the Beta titles that were half-filling one tiny shelf.

And do you know what? It was Sony that got me a severe kicking on several occasions in school because I didn’t have VHS. For that reason, I shall certainly NOT be supporting another nancy boy, nonsense format that Sony have just made up in an attempt to look all clever and cool. No. Not again.

And don’t get me started on the online services. That’s a whole rant in itself. Suffice to say, one console offers a sublime, beautiful, wondrous, joyful online experience, while the other is guff. I’ll leave it to you to try and work out which is which.

Look, I’m not saying I’m never going to play PS3 again, all I’m saying is it’s going to take something pretty special to get me to try and find the controllers and start up the thing. It will happen, I just don’t know when.

So if you choose Sony or Microsoft its up to you, but I'm sticking to my 360...

Discuss.