It's happened to all of us. Its 8:30 am , you are sitting at a red light on your way to your shit job. You're sipping on your luke-warm coffee, humming along with your local radio stations shit "top 40" you drone on to every day...when all of a sudden, a horrifying figure appears in your mirror. An effing "homeless" guy! He’s floating around like a piece of shit, flaunting his half assed sign in your window, trying to finagle a euro or two from your already thin wallet. For what? So he can go and buy a fifth of whiskey to help him forget about the life he had before his children died in an avalanche, which finally pushed his wife over the heterosexual cliff into the sea of lesbianism.
Now, I feel bad for homeless people. Lol. The thought of a person, with no place to go, crying uncontrollably while trying to maintain an erection in the blistering winter cold, just to savour a split second of orgasmic joy, truly aches my shallow heart. BUT, don't get confused ladies and gentlemen, beggars ARE NOT homeless! Beggars are lazy fucks that don't feel like working a corporate McDonalds job, so they waddle their asses down to a busy intersection to trick YOU into supporting their family and/or hooker fisting fetish.
"But, How do you know they aren't really homeless?" The fact that you would even ask me that question insults me. Someone stupid enough to fall for this scam doesn't belong driving a car. They belong in the cars path so that their body ends up flattened like a bloody, fleshy, bone infused pancake; however, since I am the most helpful person on the World Wide Web, I will tell you how to decipher the beggars from the homeless.
-The fabrication of their sign. This is an immediate giveaway. Real homeless people have no idea how to write. If the wording on the sign is legible and comprehensible, spit in their face and turn away. If you happen to forget about the grammar aspect, check out the writing medium. Anything used to create the sign besides blood; feces or road sludge is bogus. The other day I passed a "Falsey" holding a sign done in 4 different marker colours. You read that right, 4! Come on! If I’m supposed to believe he is homeless, then decorating his cardboard with the 25 euro cents worth of "Thick Tipped Quad Pack pens" shouldn’t even be in the equation. I have a full-time job and I can’t even afford that shit.
-The context of their sign. If the sign reads, "I am a Colonial War Soldier Survivor", they better be elderly, missing all their limbs, completely nude and sporting an "Angola is Ours" tattoo that takes up their whole back... not a 30 year old with soot smeared on his cheeks. If they don’t meet my required description to a T, they aren’t homeless, and they aren’t getting my Euros. If their sign reads, "I am mentally challenged, please help", throw a Coke can at them and drive away. Retarded people don’t need money! What are they going to spend it on? Chew toys? Now that I’m thinking about it, the only way I'd give my money to a "sign holder" would be if it read, "Give me your fucking money or I'll rape your whole fucking family!" That gets my attention and sparks my interest! Here sir, have a crisp European note!
-Their attire. All of these "Falsey's" dress in stereotypical homeless clothing. Dirty, torn shirts with mismatched stained pants to make it look like they have roughed the elements for a significant amount of time. PHONEY! Do you know where they went wrong? While they were creating these costumes, they used clothes from the year 2000. If you are really homeless and wearing those clothes, then you have only been without shelter for 7 years, so stop being a pussy! The homeless people that get my sympathy are the ones with dirty dunlop trainers and a "Button Your Fly" t- shirt. That means that the last time they could afford to purchase clothing, Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" was topping the charts on the top 100. I barely remember that far back, what a trooper! I also toss a coin to the individual dawning an old wool blanket draped upon their bare body. Homeless or not, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. They are obviously dedicated, and I respect that.
-Their location. Regardless of what you may believe, homeless people don't know how to walk, so how the hell did they get to the busiest intersection in Portugal? We all know that they didn’t crawl! Since we were infants, society has conditioned us to kick and elbow drop any and all homeless people that we happen to see crawling about. So obviously, they would have been dead after only a few feet. The only other option is that they took a bus. The bus costs money that homeless people can't afford to spend, so they are counterfeits and I hope they get a deadly infection in their cock vein! No, I'm not just making up excuses to not help out these so-called, "homeless" individuals, that is nonsensical to the absurd power! If I’m walking around downtown and I’m in the giving mood, I will look in the alleys. Real homeless people only reside in dark narrow alleys, covered in litter. I’m more apt to shell out a couple ducats to the poor sap sandwiched within a shoebox, covered in his own piss instead of the bored looking guy wearing a beanie and camo jacket on the corner of Great War Avenue. Plus, authentic de-sheltered individuals are ready and willing to put on an improvisational comedic act to earn your cash. Paying to watch a grown man with a rat living in his beard humiliate himself by doing the Electric Slide, is definitely money well spent! It is a service that I am more than willing to support!
So, before one of you stinkies comes a tappin' on my windscrean, make sure to have proof of your misfortune. If I smell bullshit, and you aren't covered in it, you just earned yourself a collapsed windpipe. Looks like you'll have to beg for money elsewhere now so you can afford one of those electronic voice box transmitters... those are funny.
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