Feral Pariah

I'd love to help you move rant

2011-12-25T02:27:00.001Z

Sure!
I'd love to help you move out of your 2 bedroom apartment.
Let me guess?
Your on the 4th floor with no elevator?
And we'll be hauling cheap disposable Ikea furniture that falls apart when your try to move it?
And is it safe to assume that when I show up, instead of neatly packed, the apartment will look like a junk yard was sodomised by a category 5 tornado?
AWESOME!
When you said: "Just helping out with the big stuff?"
Did you mean: Helping organise, pack and move every possession you've ever owned, including your massive collection of 1980s era troll keychains, none of which are packed of course, but are instead scattered around the house like bits of multicoloured pubic hair?
FANTASTIC!!
Did you keep every book you've ever read?
GREAT!!!
I love moving 100lb boxes of Dean Koontz novels from place to place just so that you can proudly display them on your bookshelf and show house guests how intellectual you are.
I asked: "How many people are coming to help?"
To which you replied "A whole bunch!"
By a "whole bunch" am I assuming you mean myself plus that flakey friend of yours which would be about as much help as an asthmatic ant with shopping?
PERFECT!!!
Whats that you say? You'll buy me a beer??? Holy slavery Batman! A 1 euro value for 11 hours work - What a deal!!!
While we are at it, do you want to attach a halter and reins to my mouth so I can pull a plough for you?
No? Do any of your family members need burying? I ask because I'm also quite talented at moving large boulders into shapes of gigantic desert pyramids.
I'm cool at picking cotton too - just let me know.
You move apartment every single year always claiming your landlord is a dick!
After so many landlords I'm beginning to suspect that they arent that bad.
you simply suck at occupying a space which belongs to someone else!!!
Youre like a Spanish conquistador but instead of bringing smallpox you bring Scandinavian furniture, property damage, cat urine and irresponsibility!!
Saturday at 10 am???
Sure... What are friends for???

How I hate cold calls and fake surveys

2011-10-15T14:21:00.002+01:00

Ok, there is nothing new about cold calls, despite the fact we all hate them, despite the fact we are rude to the callers they still keep calling. It's a fact of life and that's that. What upsets me is the lack of inventiveness to the callers these days
for example the
"Helloooooo, we are doing a survey"
yeeess
"don't worry we are not selling anything"
uhhuh
"I just wanted to ask 2 simple questions"
ahhhhh
"As an incentive you may win a FREE gift voucher"
Ooooooo - ok then, go ahead
"Do you own your own home?"
Errrrrrrr - yes (It's a vanity thing, you have to admit it, don't you?)
"Great! Now, second question, if you could replace your kitchen, bathroom for FREE which would you pick..........?

Recognise the trap? It won't be for free and it will mean follow ups very soon. Now what do you do?
My usual one to this question has been "none of them, we have just replaced the lot".
Needless to say they pack up at that point and you don't get your FREE voucher!!

So, what are the follow ups to this type of call? Answer the question with "I would probably choose a kitchen" and you will win the "voucher" with the benefit of a follow up call at a later date starting.............
"Helloooooo, you answered a survey a while ago saying you would like to replace your kitchen and we have estimators in your area so we would like the opportunity to give you a FREE estimate for a luxury designer kitchen?"
I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost.
"Really? Oh, errrrr, so you have had an estimate?"
No, I don't need an estimate, they told me how much it would cost and you can come and fit the kitchen on Monday please.
"Errrr, I'm a bit confused here, can you confirm the cost they gave you?"
Yes, it was FREE. The question was "if you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for FREE which would you pick" So, I'll have the FREE kitchen please, is Monday ok with you?
Oh, and while you are on the phone can I order my FREE bathroom too? Make that Tuesday please, we don't want the workmen getting in each others way.
"I think you misunderstood Sir, it's not FREE but of course you don't have to pay the full price because you won the FREE gift voucher which knocks a huge 10% off the price!!!"
Ahhhhhhhh,, ok this may be a strange question but when you do the survey why don't you say "If you could replace your kitchen or bathroom for several thousand Euros, which would you pick"
"I don't think that would work from a marketing perspective, I have a feeling most people would just say "no" or hang up"
NO?!
REALLY?! .......................click

To the blonde MILF jogging in the park on Sunday

2010-11-11T15:19:00.003Z

Dear Blonde MILF

I hope you realize that my perving was directed at you and only you, and absolutely no part of it was meant for your young daughter (niece? juvenile jogging companion?).
As implied, I enjoy the perks of jogging in the park, and one of those is a bit of ogling on the sly. It helps me forget that it's been too long since I was jogging regularly (of course), and I usually wear sunglasses to keep my baser proclivities to myself.
You are stacked and I mean stacked, Jeez! You couldn´t fit a baby´s finger in between that sports bra but hey, you are welcome to prove me wrong and show me some day!
I like blondes, NAY love blondes! They have always been my weakness and downfall and will constantly fall victim to them. There is no other basic instinct in me that reacts with such a force as when a blonde walks past. I mean help! I have betrayed girlfriends, missed dates, forgotten friends just because a blonde smiled as she walked past and I ended up spending the day, afternoon or night with them. (Obviously depending on the type of lady involved!!!)

But on Sunday my sunglasses were missing...you see where this is going, right???
Anyway, I must congratulate you on getting your young companion to to run completely concealed behind you, only to emerge at what was, for me, the worst possible time. Do you practice that? It must be the best ogle-stopper in the business. I swear, when she popped out from behind you, my libido panicked and imploded in about a nanosecond, and it took effort not to loose a cry of "Dirty perv!!!" Well played, MILF.

Anyway, I am sorry if the young lady was hit with creep-shrapnel. That really isn't my thing. I apologize if my perusing of your goods was offensive, too. But next time, lose the young one and go solo for a while... If not for the kids innocence then at least for my health. I have a serious medical dissorder in which I need to perv or my balls will explode!!!

See you around?

Location: Costa de Caparica, Portugal.

Paintball Pallet Wars

2010-10-18T13:51:00.002+01:00

Report

Date: 16/10/2010

Area: Negrais undisputed war zone

Report:
On Saturday 16th October 2010 at around 9am, the green forces engaged in combat with the blacks team in a violent confrontation of paint for the supremacy of Negrais.

This day would mark the return of some old vets to the paintball field, specially myself who had not seen a war since entering Portugal. It has been 5 odd years of doing nothing but sitting in front of a computer and smoking way too many cigarettes. (Truth be told, just about the only excercise I´ve engaged with during that time frame would be getting up from the couch to go sit down for a meal and squirrel stalking (but thats another story!!!!!)

But enough about my slacker days, on with the show!!!!!!!!!!!!

An enormous, tremendous, overwhelming number of things took place this weekend and the only way that I can do the event and the happenings any justice is to break it all up into a multiplicity of individual reports (unless you’d all rather spend the next five days reading War and Peace 2, the longer version of the day after)

So forthwith, I will now provide you all with a summary:

The Paintball event was partnered mainly with work staff from Estefania. The facility itself at Negrais has been in use for a few years now but this was the first time any of us had a chance to play on said field.

One major change was evident from the multiple fields I have played in the UK: the playing fields were a lot smaller, which meant that the games would have to be played with little tactics and loads of guts Or more like run around like a lunatic, scream like your on a mixture of Repnol heart racer and Sudnil stay awake pills!! (basically about fifteen bottles of Vodka and Red Bull!!!)

We played out games and had a great time (I hope I’m not being overly modest by saying that it only took me three games to get my game back), but the majority of the fun and the overall experience was getting together with folks that I’ve not seen or played with/or against before.

I’ll get the lists of vets out of the way first. YES, thats myself, Emanuel and Dave who have been hauling paint out in the field before. (that means we have been through the wars before, in paintballing slang!). Judging by the dropped jaws and the information that all three of us were to stay in the same team seemed to tremble some knees but even though all three of us have had some paintball history under our belts but have not fired paint in a while should have consolled them. It was a pleasure to be able to be around people who knew something of the sport rather than
screaming American teanagers that just ran around like headless chickens.

Suffice it to say that after a long time out of the game the old habbits kicked back in and we were all communication with hand signals, even though most of the time it involved the middle finger!

Consider that to be a good thing.

Ok. Enough with the Rod, Emanuel & Dave Show.

Other notable get togethers were: Toni (FI), Hugo (UKI), Sean (UKI), Manuel (UKI), Manu (GK) & Wife and many other players that I will not mention due to the National Secrets Act of 1971.

Apologies to everyone else who I probably ought to be mentioning but have managed to forgot at this point. (Believe me, I know I will be reminded of so-and-so and I WILL be editing this piece to include anyone who ought to have been mentioned.)

Games that we managed to play during the five hours were:

Shoot the president (a game which ended with the Green Teams President being shot in the face within about 5 minutes)

Afghanistan Oil (this was a real leg killer, specially when your going up hill.)
Trust me this hurts!!
Favelas (basically a city slum, very much like Rio or Lisbon)
Speed Ball (Easiest way to explain this is run around trying to find your gun and waste some ammo)
Pallet Slope (Pallet collection anyone?)
Rock Valley (Rocks, rocks everywhere)

It was an absolute blast and I will be returning to the wars with regularity – (Wife willing!!)

Breathless, with lungs and chest ready to explode like an unborn alien we walked off the field at the end of the day still with the same smiles we had walked onto 5 hours earlier.

I still remember that first game at a real, honest-to-goodness paintball field as if I was observing myself from a distance. And I felt that way at the time too though I can’t explain why. I wasn’t excited, I was intrigued. I wasn’t expectant, I was curious. Until the whistle blew. And everything changed. Prior to the game the refs had explained the field for the newcomers and encouraged everyone to take a lot of ground quickly. Not knowing any better I did exactly what they suggested and ran until I realized paintballs were zinging all around me and I threw myself down behind a tree that didn’t come close to offering real cover. Fortunately there was also a depression in the ground on my side of the slim trunk and I pressed my face up into the exposed roots applying the ostrich principle (If I can’t see them they can’t shoot me) for all I was worth as paint continued to whiz by and smack the tree and ground around me. Suddenly paintball became immediate and real, visceral and intensely exciting. I was so excited infact that I heard someone laugh out loud and suddenly realised that it was me! I quickly realized that while I wasn’t a sitting (or laying)duck I wasn’t secure either and that was great, too. It meant I had to do something besides not get shot. (Although being at risk and continuing to survive was a big part of the thrill.) I called out to my teammates and discovered most of them were quite a distance behind me. That first time it didn’t bother me in the least. They were the ones missing out. Slowly the game began to unfold.
I tried to use my forward position to relay information. To spot the opposition’s positions. I worried about being flanked because my depression wouldn’t save me then. I tried to bring my gun to bear but I didn’t try too hard because I didn’t want the game–this first real experience of paintball–to end. I knew I didn’t have the skills to compete and it didn’t matter. All I wanted was to keep playing.
And fourteen years later I’m still hooked though my relationship to the game has evolved pretty dramatically over the years.

Crispy tweets.

2010-09-15T08:37:00.002+01:00

It’s two in the morning, and there is a bird in my ventilation system. That isn’t a euphemism, either. Like “man, I had this bird in my ventilation system last night! It was crazy!”

I bet he'll be tasty.
There is an actual, live bird, trapped in my ventilation system. A fowl imprisoned in a silver cage.

I started hearing things a few days ago. Simple things, not enough to attract any actual attention. At first, I thought it was just the house settling at night, or perhaps even a squirrel on the roof, high out of his mind on acorns, chasing imaginary giant nuts!! But as the noise persisted, I knew it could only mean there was a creature inhabiting my vents. The thing is... It´s not just a normal vent. Its the one linked to my water gas heater!

I first thought it was quite possible that a mouse was running amok in my house, rampant with lust for the pizza I had left the night before and perhaps that mouse decided to take refuge in the vent in the kitchen. But I came to this horrible conclusion this morning, when I heard the unmistakable “tweet tweet tweet” that was accompanied by the slight flutter of a pair of wings, futilely attempting to get enough room to fly.

But instead, the bird sits in my vent, attempting to survive. What a prick. Doesn’t he know that I’m trying to sleep? He can at least have a little respect for those who aren’t facing an imminent death and shut the fuck up.

For now, I need to figure out how to get the bird out of the vent. It would be useful if I knew how the damn thing got in there to begin with. The only reasonable scenario that I can drum up at this early hour relies heavily on the notion of teleportation. Or the chimney.

But that would be ridiculous.

Fed up...

2010-09-12T04:26:00.002+01:00

I'm fed up with life. Not only life but work. And driving. And shopping. And eating. And working. Somewhere, somehow, they're different now, none of 'am are the same, they all got chewed up and spit back out, and they don't taste like living anymore! Don't you see what it's like in this deranged Waring Blender of a world?! Every day is an agonizing ordeal, like balancing a pot of scalding water on your head while people whip your legs and butt... (hmmmmm) You never forget Uni...

YOU think I'm "sick"? Well the only disease I've got is "Modern Life," a schnutbusting gauntlet of inefficiency and misery that's one long parade of let-downs, put-downs, trickle downs, shutouts, freezeouts, sell-outs, numnuts, nincompoops and nimrods, all making every day as much fun as waxing a flaming Cherokee Jeep with your tongue, where even if you do luck into the possibility of some fleeting pleasure, like, say, if some nymphomaniac telephone operators with the muscle control of Rumanian mat-slappers agree to a little Strip Air Hockey, it'll be over before it starts 'cuz some vowel-lacking, feta-reeking cab-jockey slams his Checker up your hatchback and the cab is owned by some pinata spanker from a Santeria cult in Xoacalpa who starts shaking chicken bones at you and gives you a boil on your neck so big all it needs is Michael Jordan's autograph to make it complete, and even with all this, with ALL THIS, I still drag my sorry butt off the Sealy every morning and stick my face in the reaping machine for one more day, knowing when it's time to flash the cosmic card key at those Pearly Gates, I won't be in the coffin anyway 'cuz some underhanded undertaker sold my heart, pancreas and other assorted Good 'N' Plenty to that same Santeria cult, so does anybody really wonder why anybody is hanging onto sanity by the atoms on the tips of their fingernails while Life dirty-dances on their digits, and is it really any wonder that I seem DERANGED???!!"

But...heh that's probably nothing you haven't heard a hundred times before...

Some suggestions for the Youth of today on how to not be Useless

2010-09-09T17:44:00.003+01:00

First of all, PULL UP YOUR FUCKING JEANS!!!
Look, I support your right to express yourselves, I did the whole Rebellious Youth thing when I was in school. But having your jeans hanging down with your underwear sticking out of the back is about the stupidest look you could go for. You look worse than a fucking retard, cause at least the retard was trying to put them on right. Besides, in Prison it means you're already "spoken for" and it's a signal to other cons not to hit on you, because you're someone else's bitch. So unless you take it up the ass from a 300-plus pound, life sentence or more, not-ever-eligible-for-parole murderer on a regular basis, or have to blow him & his buddies whenever he says, pull up your jeans you useless bastards.

Learn the value of respect. For instance, if you don't respect yourself, how in the hell can you expect anyone else to respect you? Years ago, before you could call 999 and have the Child Protection Agency arrest your parents, disrespect earned you an ass-kicking. If you fucked up, you paid the price, simple as that. Respect is better than money in a way, because the more you give to others the more you get in return. An unruly, disruptive, over-indulged little cshit is a useless individual, destined to be nothing more than a burden to society, unless your parents were smart enough to become wealthy. Then you won't be a burden to society but you'll still be a useless fuck head.

Learn the value of money. I don't know why your parents can't say "No" to you whenever you whine for the latest hundred-euro pair of jeans or an expensive gaming console, but just be glad you're not my kid. I started making my own money before I started school by washing windows in the summer and shoveling snow in the winter. There will always be someone willing to pay you to do things for them, if you get off your lazy ass and do it. I would probably pay some neighbourhood kid a 50 to cut my grass, but in an area full of teenagers, there aren't any who would do it. Believe me, it feels way better to pay for something out of your own pocket. That way you don't have to justify it to anyone. My dad caught me smoking when I was 14 and swore he would never give me money for cigs, and was true to his word. But I always had cigs, because I always had money. So knock off your pussy-assed whining and earn your own money, otherwise you're also a useless shit for brains.

Pimps and drug dealers are not role models, they're pussies. When you call something "Pimp" all it says to me is that it's something overtly tacky and ostentatious (look it up) and cheap. In other words, totally devoid of class and purpose. When you implement the previous suggestions, you will realize that you can't buy class. Just because a suit cost 1,500 doesn't mean it won't make you look like a fucking carnival barker (look that up too). If you drive a chimp around in a limo, it doesn't mean that chimp has class, because he'll still beat off and throw his shit at you. The same is true for people; just because some white trash fuckwit won the Lotto doesn't mean he's a better person, it just means he'll swap his rusted-out 88 piece of shit Ford Capri for a new Escort, and finally buy that second Elvis-on-velvet painting he could never afford before. A pimp makes money by bullying women into giving him money,and any able-bodied grown man who doesn't earn his own living is a useless shit.

I'm sure I'll be putting up similar posts in the future, because I'm far from done.

Unemployed smokers

2010-09-06T18:02:00.004+01:00

As people, we occasionally we bear witness to some magnificent event that happens but once in a lifetime. Halley’s Comet, the Aurora Borealis, or Pam Anderson’s first sex tape. Sometimes these things are glorious, mystifying, or just too effed up to that they make you say “Wait, did that just happen?”

What I experienced last week was all three. Here is my story…

Every day during lunch, I take a little stroll around the park area near my office. During these walks, I’m treated to a veritable rogues gallery of citizens: Young professionals enjoying a bite to eat outside, students catching a smoke between class, a handsome young stranger (Oops, that’s just my reflection! I’m so silly.)

My walk nears its end as I make my way out of the park and back to the office building – a convergence of four streets that serve as a conduit to the rest of the city. This is where the action happens. A lot of traffic, both of the rubber and leather variety. (By leather, I mean shoes, not an S&M enthusiast parade.)

In other words, there are a lot of people here. And when you have a lot of people in one area, in the middle of the day, that can only mean one thing: Unemployed jukes with nothing better to do with their time than hang out. And when I say “unemployed,” I don’t mean 30-year-old account executives who were laid off. I mean people who are barely qualified to walk and chew gum at the same time. You dig?

So there are a lot of jukes hanging ’round at noon on a weekday, and as I turn the corner of the home stretch of my daily jaunt, my eyes lock onto one at about 20 yards. For some reason, this juke intrigues me. I’m a people watcher by nature, so I just watched this guy. Maybe it was his bandanna that held his ratty hair back just so, maybe it was the torn denim jacket that appears to have several blood stains (none of them his), or maybe it was the black tracksuit trousers that were tucked into his combat boots – as if to tell the world “Hey, I still use a tape deck – what of it?” Whatever the case may be, this guy reeked of something. This must be what Spiderman feels like when he senses trouble afoot, or when he gets a boner. (Come on, you’re telling me that Peter Parker’s Spidey-senses don’t go off when he is about to get a piece? HA! I said “go off!” That wasn’t even on purpose.)

Anyhow, I knew this guy wasn’t going to let me down. At 15 yards, he slows his pace as he spots something on the pavement. Yes, yes. 10 yards, he bends at the waist and picks something up. Okay…what is it? The cap to a magic marker, a rubber band? 5 yards, he stands upright, the treasure in his hand. You fool, what is it? 3 yards, he opens his hand to reveal…a cigarette. WHAT? A previously lit, used and stepped on. THAT’S GROSS! I don’t mean that it was lit for five seconds and tossed because the smoker couldn’t take it on the bus, I mean that this thing was damn near smoked all the way. All that remained was the filter. And he spotted it from 40 feet, like a nervous eagle who had the shakes.

And it’s not so bad that he picked it up (Wait, yes it is), it’s that he then examined it, smelled it, and put it in his wallet. In front of a dozen other people who were waiting for the bus or just walking by. In the middle of the day. Obviously, he was holding onto it so he can smoke it later, unless this cat just so happened to be some kind of archivist who specializes in half-smoked cigarettes, old lip gloss and used condoms.

But really, well done, sir. Well done.

It’s gross enough that he picked up a used cigarette, but it was lodged in a pavement crack. A crack, mind you, that was probably filled with urine at some point. And feces. And probably vomit. And DEFINITELY semen. These pavements are such filth traps that even the rats avoid them. THE RATS!

Which brings me to my point: Where did society fail this man? This isn’t as simple as “he wasn’t loved enough as a child,” either. This can only be the end result of some aggressive, abusive, mind-effing as a child. We’re talking Menendez brothers meets Joan Crawford meets the guy who jizzed on Clarice Starling in Silence of the Lambs. Something went very, very wrong with this guy at some point in his life.

And as Thoreau said: The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. Maybe this man was a little too quiet. A little too desperate. Maybe no one heard his cries for help or his pangs of hunger. Like so many of us, he was left in the cold to freeze, alone and naked like a penguin egg without its mother to protect it. And when life finally called to grant him a reprieve from the torment he had suffered, perhaps he chose not to answer it. For a life unearned is a life not worth having. I think that’s something we can all appreciate.

But maybe this guy was just gross, but hey, free cigarettes.

99 Ways To Annoy People

2010-08-06T11:42:00.001+01:00

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your indicators on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog."

15. Insist on keeping your car windscreen wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbours upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punch line to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with chocolate smelling aerosol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbours you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Darlek voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask telephone operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes coloured Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "last of the summer wine" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your jeans backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the Laundry, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas carolling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half way down a road and then just get out looking at the sky. Repeat several times.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "mission impossible", "batman" etc.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, whenever someone swings at the golf ball shout “GO ON MY SON!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

Shut Your Mouth, Close Your Legs, and Raise Your Kid

2010-08-06T11:41:00.001+01:00

There sure are a lot of fertile women out there. It never ceases to amaze me that some walking sperm bank can continue to pop out kids like it's an Olympic sport, but wouldn't know how to properly raise any of their heathen bastards if Dr. Spock raped them with one of his self-help books.

The moms of this nation have to be stopped! If done properly, raising a child is a full-time job. But lying on your back every night, allowing your husband to violate you any way he can imagine, then popping out another unit every nine months, is not a job. You have to actually put forth some effort and teach the little soul-suckers you've produced. Going out in public with the cast from The Island of Dr Moreau and spending your husbands money on useless crap your kids don't need is not a job. Teaching your children how to function in a society, how to read, write, communicate, and act like they're not being raised by a pack of wolverines, requires actual parenting. If you are not up to the task do us all a favour and have your twat stapled shut so we don't have to put up with any more walking genetic deformities.

If you're not sure if this rant is about you, here's a quick guide:

If you continue to shop while your kids try to re-enact the Rodney King beating in a department store, quit fucking.

If you have to decide which is more important, baby food or alcohol, quit fucking.

If you are only birthing children as an excuse to not work, quit fucking... and kill yourself

If you leave any number of your children in your vehicle unattended because you're only going to be gone 'for a minute', quit fucking.

If you have to go to a bar and insist on using your television or computer as a babysitter, quit fucking.

In short, your children are a direct reflection of your parenting. If you can't be a good parent, your privilege to fuck should be revoked. Do us all a favour and let your man blow his load in your mouth, hair, ass, ear, anywhere but your baby-maker.

Working like a sexual predator

2010-03-29T16:30:00.003+01:00

Yes, I just spent the last 8 hours at work. In a call center. Should the opportunity ever arise for you to go sit in a call center, don't!

Let me clue you in. Call center workers are anal-retentive fucks. Well, most of them. The rest of them, me included, have coping mechanisms that basically involve us screwing everyone or pissing everyone around us off. Usually both.

SO today I am trying to work. There is a ginormous sign on the wall that says "No eating, no smoking, no mobiles, vibrators, sex of any form,, either on the desks under them or in the toilets. No IV drips, biscuits, coffee, Vodka or cock fights anywhere in the call center. Offenders will be removed, beaten with bagpipes and told not to do it again etc, etc. Really scary shit. I am high on adderall, (I am rotating between adderall and ritalin for work. ON the plus side, I am still off the valium, xanax, and alcohol. Someday I will look back on sentences like that one and wonder when I became a junkie and a pillhead and when I actually acknowledged it. (But Not yet.)

So I am trying to wrap my mind around the acceleration clause exception to the rule of bank holiday cut offs and this girl walks past. A new breed of worker, those new girls full of enthusiasm for their work until they realise that what we do is shit, who we talk to everyday are shits and those that pay our wages (If you want to call them wages, even though slave labour has been abolished many years ago they have ingeniously found a way to pay someone minimum wage and still call it work) are shit bag assholes!! She walks past, swaying her hips and driving me crazy. She has no idea who I am but I´m sure that she senses that I want to bang her until she bleeds through her nose!!! ANYWAY!!!!!!! Everyone in the room (all the males at least) Huff as she walks past. (At least I think they do or I´m hearing my inner child/alter ego talking again) It was the main noise for most of the morning. A hundred voices, huffing in this pent up sexual frustration, burning inside.

We are all high on work drugs, crabby, and on a deadline. This woman drives me up the wall everytime I take a wiff of her scent. I´m like a dog, NAY!!! A wolf on heat and I can feel this fire burning from within my boxers. People watch me as I stare and say the usual.... "Her father is worried about her now ! Or... Dude! You like a ravid dog." Shut the fuck up!!!! What the hell do you know!!! I need to bang that bird before my scrotam explodes!!!!!!!!!!

I turn to her, smile politely, "Wanna breed?"

"EXCUUUUUUUSE ME?" she asks.

I pointed to the fire exit.

"IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY, SAY IT!" she yawps.

I stand up. I´m not that tall but I stand a good 6 inches above her. "You and me, outside in the alley, go at it like rabbits????"

She got up and ran outside. She returns with a security guard. I am back to anticipatory repudiation.

"HIM!" she squawks. "HE TRIED TO SEXUALLY ABUSE ME!"

Point of information - a security guard at a call center has little to no power, KNOWS that everyone looks down on him, and TAKES ADVANTAGE OF ANY CHANCE TO WEILD HIS SECURITY BADGE.

"I did not sexually abuse her. I just tried to convince her to go outside with me."

He hitches up his trousers. "I think we have a problem here."

No shit, sherlock. It is statements like that that are the reason I am on THIS side of that uniform and you are on THAT side.

"Go and smoke your fiftieth cigarette. Take the moaning bitch with you so she can shout sexual abuse at someone else.

Silence. The security guard tries to stare me down. THAT's not gonna happen. Woman informs me she is going to "report me". I have no idea what that means. I may get sent to my supervisor for a good spanking. Is spanking still legal? Security guard, also shorter than me, hisses that if he has to come back, he is going to forcefully remove me. HA!!!!

I still have no idea who else I can annoy this week, my adderall is wearing off and my head hurts.

But yes, I am still winning friends and influencing people and spreading joy wherever I go.

Name change rant

2010-02-17T17:11:00.000Z

I am in full support of someone who changes his or her name (legally.) There are plenty of reasons why you might want to change it. Religious reasons, you are wanted by the KGB, a sex change, or your parents are rich pseudo-intellectual antidisestablishmentarians and named you something ridiculous like Ranthanon, are all acceptable reasons to change your name. What I absolutely despise is when people change their name from a normal one, to a weird one.
I call it a, “I want to be different”
name change. A, “I want to be different” name change, is where a person just decides one day they want to go by a different name.
For example: “My name is not Tom anymore, I am Salamander.” Or, “I am not Susie, I am Raven Willow.”
When you hear that it makes you want to go, “Really? I changed my name too. My name is not Bill anymore, it’s you’re a douche bag and I want to punch you in the face.”
Usually these arachnion’s don’t legally change their name, because deep down they know they are going to want to go back to their original name. Eventually they get to the point where they want to mate, and they realize the “Hi, I’m Siddhartha” line does not work. They find out that their pretentious “I want to be different” name; instead of intriguing people, instead makes people want to use a fork to put a fire out on their face.

I had a friend (I am going to use a different name because he’s probably reading this) do the, “I want to be different” name change. It totally changed the dynamic of us hanging out. My buddies name was Jordan, which is not a unique name. In his defense, it is not common either. According to the 25 most popular names of the 80’s (when he was born) Jordan ranks 189th. One day, Jordan, out of the blue says to me,
“Don’t call me Jordan anymore. My real name is Oparen! Jordan is dead to me.” He hadn’t changed his name legally; he just did the “I want to be different” name change because according to Jordan, Oparen was his “true name.” I did not know this about his new name, but apparently Oparen in Latin means, I need attention. I hated the sudden name change because I had been calling him Jordan for 5 years, and now he just decides that his true name is Oparen and expects everyone to call him that. The problem is, everyone did start calling him that, but me. We would all be out, and I would say, “Hey Jordan” and everyone would look at me like I just spit in a handicapped kids face.

It got to the point where I stopped addressing him by his name period. Which made it weird when I would have to call his house; where other people lived. I always wondered if his family embraced this sudden name change. I would call and just combine the name like, “Is Jorparen there?” Usually this would get a laugh out of one of his family members and they would hand the phone to him. Finally, 5 years later, I decided I would start calling him Oparen. The first time I called him Oparen he said to me, “Oparen is not my name anymore. I am going back to my real name; Jordan.” I felt like I had just been punked. It seemed like it was a 5-year elaborate practical joke on me.

Moral of this rant is, if you change your name; commit to it. Like the guy I knew who legally changed his name to Mister Ohlala (true story.) If you don’t like your name then legally change it to something you like. Don’t flip flop like a Commie out of water. However, If you do come across someone who pulls the “I want to be different” name change on you, stab them to death with something very dull.

Chuck Norris Facts

2009-07-31T07:32:00.002+01:00

If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
There is no 'ctrl' button on Chuck Norris's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because he only recognizes the element of surprise.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
It takes 14 puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only 2 to make him destroy an orphanage.

Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels

2009-07-15T08:45:00.002+01:00

(Stolen Without Permission from Journal of anillegiblycopiedtitle)*

WARNING: This product warps space and time in its vicinity.

WARNING: This product attracts every other piece of matter in the Universe, including the products of other manufacturers, with a force proportional to the product of the masses and inversely proportional to the square of the** distance between them.

CAUTION: The mass of this product contains the energy equivalent of 85 million tons of TNT per net ounce of weight.

HEALTH WARNING: Care should be taken when lifting this product, since its mass, and thus its weight, is dependent on its velocity relative to the user.

ADVISORY: There is an extremely small but nonzero chance that, through a process known as “tunneling,” this product may spontaneously disappear from its present location and reappear at any random place in the universe, including your neighbour’s domicile. The manufacturer will not be responsible for any damages or inconvenience that may result.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The subatomic particles (electrons, protons, etc.) comprising this product are exactly the same in every measurable respect as those used in the products of other manufacturers, and no claim to the contrary may legitimately be expressed or implied.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the “Uncertainty Principle,” it is impossible for the consumer to find out at the same time both precisely where this product is and how fast it is moving.

NOTE: The most fundamental particles in this product are held together by a “gluing” force about which little is currently known and whose adhesive power cannot therefore be permanently guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite any other listing of product contents found hereon, the consumer is advised that, in actuality, this produce consists of 99.999999999999% empty space.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This product contains minute electrically charged particles moving at velocities in excess of five hundred million miles per hour.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to certain suggested versions of a grand unified theory, the primary particles constituting this product may decay to nothingness within the next four hundred million years.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any use of this product, in any manner whatsoever, will increase the amount of disorder in the universe. Although no liability is implied herein, the consumer is warned that this process will ultimately lead to the heat death of the universe.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The manufacturer may technically be entitled to claim that this product is ten-dimensional^ legal rights above and beyond those applicable to three-dimensional objects, since the seven new dimensions are “rolled up” into such a small area that they cannot be detected.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The entire physical universe, including this product, may one day collapse back into an infinitesimally small space. Should another universe subsequently re-emerge, the existence of this product in that universe cannot be guaranteed.

PLEASE NOTE: Some quantum physics theories suggest that when the consumer is not directly observing this product, it may cease to exist or will exist only in a vague and undetermined state.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the unlikely event that this merchandise should contact antimatter in any form, a catastrophic explosion will result.

* As if you couldn’t guess, I got this verbatim from somewhere else on the net. The Illegibly copied title wasn’t even in my handwriting, even though my handwriting is defined by its illegibility. Isn’t this great! I’ve put my own disclaimer on my disclaimer page regarding my disclaimer! Please don’t hit me!

Email Mistake (Very very funny)

2009-05-15T13:58:00.002+01:00

An amazing true story about an e-mail gone wrong. Found the clipping in an American newspaper. Very very funny...

"A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying out the next day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left one letter out in her e-mail address, and, without realising his error, sent the e-mail. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. He was a Minister who had a heart attack and died. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message she screamed and fainted. The widow´s son rushed into the room and and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I´ve arrived
Date: October 16th
I know your surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey will be uneventful as mine was.

P.S. It sure is freaking hot down here.

Pride is such a dirty word...

2009-04-23T07:53:00.001+01:00

This manifest coming from someone that doesn't live in the 'new' South Africa (where the after-appartheid Laws protect and promote blacks, segregating the whites - a new form of apparteheid that seems not to bother the International Community, previously always very active in this matter!!!!!!), or in any other African country (where, at least, laws like the 'New Racist South African Laws' are not official....), is a genuine protest.

Makes for interesting reading and something to think about.

Proud to be White

Michael Richards makes his point!... ... ...

Michael Richards, better known as Kramer from TVs Seinfeld, makes a good point!

This was his defense speech in court after making racial comments in his comedy act. He makes some very interesting points...

'Someone finally said it. How many are actually paying attention to this?'

There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, etc. And then there are just Americans. You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me 'White boy,' 'Cracker,' 'Honkey,' 'Whitey,' 'Caveman'...

and that's OK.

But when I call you, Nigger, Kike, Towel head, Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey, Beaner, Gook, Chinkor or Kaffir (I added his one used in South Africa that, according to the new Law, is considered an offense punnished by the South African Law and that only means "any black African" - Collins English Dictionary)... You call me a racist.

You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you... So why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?

You have the 'United Negro College Fund'.

You have 'Martin Luther King Day'.

You have ' Black History Month'.

You have 'Cesar Chavez Day'.

You have 'Yom Hashoah'.

You have 'Ma'uled Al-Nabi'.

You have the 'NAACP'.

You have 'BET'!...

If we had 'WET' (White Entertainment Television), we'd be racists..

If we had a 'White Pride Day', you would call us racists.

If we had 'White History Month', we'd be racists.

If we had any organization for only whites to 'advance' OUR lives, we'd be racists.

We have a 'Hispanic Chamber of Commerce', a 'Black Chamber of Commerce', and then we just have the plain 'Chamber of Commerce'... Wonder who pays for that?

A white woman could not be in the 'Miss Black American' pageant, but any color can be in the 'Miss America' pageant.

If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships... You know we'd be racists.

There are over 60 openly proclaimed 'Black Colleges' in the US. Yet if there were any 'White College', that would be a racist college.

In the ' Million Man March', you believed that you were marching for your race and rights.

If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.

You are proud to be black, brown, yellow and orange, and you're not afraid to announce it.

But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.

You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us.

But, when a white police officer shoots a black gang member or beats up a black drug dealer running from the law and posing a threat to society, you call him a racist..

I am proud... But you call me a racist.

Why is it that only whites can be racists?’

Fuck You, PP! (Warning, this is a RANT)

2009-02-22T23:34:00.002Z

Yeah that's right. This is a very long stupid fucking rant that we all hate so much. I'm not asking you to read it but you can if you'd like. This is more about venting than anything else. Whether you want to read it or not, just please don't ever get work for a British Financial Services company I worked for because they'll fuck you over. Anyway, on with my rant.

Dear PP,

Fuck you, you stupid, cocksucking, backstabbing, piece of shit company!

At first things were cool between us. I had work for maybe a year or so and boy did we have some good times within that year. Remember when my pc just wouldnt work and you gave me a new one and still it seemed slower than hell and then you bollocked me for not working fast enough??? DO you remember??? That was one of my fondest memories of the time we spent together. Remember how funny it was when I got pissed off and threw my keyboard across the office and all the keys flew out so that putting them back together in the right places was vertually impossible?? Yep, that's how I found out you guys fucked me over. We had such a good laugh about that one! What about the time you forced me to do those endless boring non sensicle company courses run by people who couldn't speak English properly in the first place, only to leave me totally baffled and confused by the whole course and wondering where I would start to translate your endless crap, because your company wont employ English natural ex-pats but Portuguese dickwads that think they know English only to make up their own words!!! Remember?? hahahaha I still laugh about that now. Or the time you "accidentally" erased all my information on my pc that was vital to the company like the endless drearly stats I had to complete every bloody day? Remember that one?

What about when you switched the company phones and non of them worked properly for about a week? And every time I called out to clients I was put through to some non understanding Portuguese person that spoke to me in their language that reminds me of Klingon... Though you and I both know I may live in Portugal but I'm clearly a white boy who can barely order food at a Mexican restaurant let alone understand whatever the hell they were saying? Yeah that was a good one. Everyone who called my phone either hung up without leaving a message or started their message with "Uhh, I don't know if this is you or not, because your speaking to me in a different language but hey .... blah blah blah..." Then when I called to switch it back, I wasn't able to because you answered with a Portuguese automated system. Haha, I think I was stuck with Portuguese for a week!
You always were such a prankster.

We had such a good relationship so I don't know why you're pulling this latest stunt. Perhaps it's because you're mad that I refused to go to another Pirate day Training to learn how to walk on a wooden leg and wear an eye patch whilst trying to build my own Pirates hat? Team building I think you called it? Bollocks I think I called it... Maybe it's just another one of your pranks? Maybe you miss me and just want to me to leave by giving some bullshit that my contract is over and that you cant ship me to another department because their are no vacancies only for me to find out a week after I left that your recruiting... HAHAHAHHAHAHA thats great! every time I'm forced to to talk about your company to the Union and the Workers Right Government Department it just makes me laugh out loud!!!! I don't know but I've tried to be reasonable about this.

I left the company a month before i was due because you kindly offered me full pay but that little prank of getting me out of the building and recruiting straight away after all the bullshit you gave me about we have no spaces is the best ever. You must've known I I'd just walk away quietly with not a care in the world not a care that I have a new born daughter and a nagging wife. Not a care indeed!!!!!!! Now every time I get a letter from the Union or the Worker Rights I just smile and think of all the good times. So its not the companies fault... Someone, and I know who you are; Hates me... Fine I did all I had to do and told to do and that still wasn't good enough eh? You actually wanted me to brown my nose and shove it so far up your big fat humongous eclipse of an arse, that I could see through your eyeballs uh?? Is that what you wanted me to do?? Well... It's not gonna happen girlfriend!!

Not only did I get a letter from the Union, I also got a call from a very nice lady from your company saying that basically my life is gonna get fucked up if I continue sending you emails. Hmpff yeah thats gonna happen!!! because of this and I basically have to go further and it will get worse. I gave you a call and of course we did our little dance that we always do where they tell me to call you and then you tell me to call them. This usually goes back and forth for a bit but this time I didn't feel like dancing. Now no one will answer my calls no one will respond to my emails. Ooooohhh you so funny. You comedian yes???

What. The. Fuck?

I'm sorry PP but this is complete bullshit. I have been cool and calm about all the shit you've pulled in the past few weeks and now I'm fed up. After all, a bloke can only take so much until he explodes. Why the hell didn't you tell me this shit in the first place? That my contract was over. good bye. ended! NO! you had to fuck me over and shut me up! Well its not gonna happen.

Yes, I'm being stupid and stubborn about this but I don't care. You've already fucked up my life so it doesn't really matter if I fuck your company over or not. It's not even about the money. It's about the point of the whole thing. I'm sick of you bullying people. Your cock sucking ways and your arse licking nature. Oh and your recruitment is bullshit. Only contracting gays on the other departments??? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT ALL ABOUT!!!! Thats bullshit. And I refuse to get bullied. You can kiss my ass and then go fuck yourself, you bastards.

Sincerely,

Pariah

P.S. -2 Die Asshole

P.P.S. Faggots!!

office plans, dares and general crap

2008-12-15T05:53:00.000Z

The Plan

In the beginning there was the Plan.

And then came the Assumptions.

And the Assumptions were without form.

And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.

And they spoke among themselves, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their Supervisors and said, "It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odour thereof."

And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it."

And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, "It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide its strength."

And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Directors then went onto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, "It promotes growth and is very powerful."

And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigour of the company; with powerful effects."

And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.

And the Plan became Policy.

This is How Shit Happens.

Special High Intensive Training

For best results, print this one out on company letterhead and send it on its way...

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well rained through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.). We are trying to give employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else.

If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take S.H.I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.). Since our managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they don't have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in job training others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to DIRECTOR of INTENSITY PROGRAMMING (D.I.P.S.H.I.T.).

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF TRAINING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T.)

Rules For Managers

Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic.
Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hell.
Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.

Classic things to say when stressed

"Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!"
"You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing?!"
"How many times do I have to flush before you go away?"
"Well this day was a total waste of make-up"
"Well aren't we a bloody ray of sunshine?"
"Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after."
"Do I look like a fucking people person!"
"This isn't an office. It's HELL with fluorescent lighting"
"I started out with nothing still have most of it left"
"I pretend to work, they pretend to pay me"
"YOU!!... off my planet!!!"
"Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble plastic is cheap. You choose"
"Practice random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control"
"Errors have been made. Others will be blamed"
"And your cry-baby, whiny-assed opinion would be.....?"
"I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years."
"Sarcasm is just one more service I offer."
"Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed"
"Do they ever shut up on your planet?"
"I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable"
"Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't gone to sleep yet"
"Back off!! You're standing in my aura."
"Don't worry. I forgot your name too."
"I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?"
"I work 45 hours a week to be this poor."
"Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it."
"Not all men are annoying. Some are dead."
"Wait...I'm trying to imagine you with a personality"
"Chaos, panic and disorder . . . my work here is done."
"Ambivalent? Well yes and no."
"You look like shit. Is that the style now?"
"Earth is full. Go home."
"Aw, did I step on your poor little bitty ego?"
"I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert."
"A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth."
"You are depriving some village of an idiot."
"If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport."

The Snake and the Bunny Once upon a time, allegedly, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.

One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother.

Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny.

So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement.

The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be either a team leader or possibly someone in senior management".

Office Dares

One-Point Dares

Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
Leave your fly open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say, "Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
Walk sideways to the photocopier.
While going in an elevator, gasp dramatically each time the doors open.
When in elevator with one other person, tap them on the shoulder and pretend it wasn't you.
Finish all your sentences with "In accordance with the prophecy..."
Don't use any punctuation.
Interrupt your conversation with someone by giving a huge dejected sigh.
Use your highlighter pen on the computer screen.
Three-Point Dares
Say to your boss, "I like your style", wink, and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.
Shout random numbers while someone is counting.
Every time you get an email, shout ''email''.
Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has got over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
Keep hole punching your finger. Each time you do, shout, "dagnamit, it's happened again!". Then do it again.
Introduce yourself to a new colleague as "the office bicycle". Then wink and pout.
Call I.T. helpdesk and tell them that you can't seem to access any pornography web sites.
Five-Point Dares
At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Dave".
Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number two".
When you've picked up a call, before speaking finish off some fake conversation with the words, ''she can abort it for all I care''.
After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in: "The report's on your desk, Mon." Keep this up for one hour.
In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God is my witness,I'll never go hungry again!"
Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit; smash each biscuit with your fist.
During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically after they answer.
Sign or p.p. all letters with your initials and a swastika.
Dry hump the photocopier. When someone spots you, stop and cough embarrassingly, then lean in to the machine and whisper loudly, "I'll see you tonight".

Dedication to my daughter...

2008-08-08T08:15:00.004+01:00

A constant smile spread across her face, scheaming, planning, almost laughing and giggling like a little prankster. Just like her old man. Yet most give me this weird look when I say that my fifteen day old daughter is one of my heroes.

They don't understand the meaning or reasoning behind my words, nor will they ever.

She bruises & bleeds with such ease, her blood counts a never-ending roller coaster.
The constant sick then healthy. She died at birth and they brought her to life. The world was against her, everyone apart from myself, my wife and God.

Every day I go to the hospital to see my little Angel. Where I often stand there for hours just staring at her through an incubator.

For hours on end...
Just waiting...
Watching...

Before finally she opens her big blue eyes and stares right at me, watching, planning, deciding who that strange figure is that keeps turning up everyday.

Watching...
Waiting...

Whenever I look at her, nothing but Love, Hope & Faith shine through my silver eyes
onto this little child whom is so much stronger than I.

I know she's only days old, but I feel as if we could learn so much from each other.
About life and love itself.

Who would have thought she would have pulled through?

Only myself, my wife and God...

Nicole

2008-08-06T18:03:00.003+01:00

24th July 2008:

In Amadora/Sintra at exacly 16:27 my little girl was born. Premature by about a month and a half and as heavy as a bag of sugar, Nicole opened her big blue eyes and took a plunge into this dangerous world. So small, so tiny and so light she fought against all the odds that were stacked up against her and is now breathing on her own. Many times the doctors would say that she wouldn't make it through the night. Many times they would tell us to go home and not come back in the morning because it was a lost cause and many times we returned and saw her little face. She's stable now, every day is a battle for her and every day she fights on breaking records and all the odds. So tiny, so innocent, so sad... I've stayed strong for my wife and cried alone, wondering the streets at night thinking if little Nicky would still be alive in the morning. Life is hard that way. One day your on top of the world looking out for yourself and the next your at rock bottom crying over a baby that you don't really know.

Sad, exhausted.

But she's fine now, born a Lion and fighting like one. Although she still has to be in an incubator she still struggles with fist clenched battling every day and every outcome she's part of my pack, my blood and for everyday she pulls through is every 100 years I will be beside her, fight for her, care and protect...

Fight on little nicky, fight on 'cos daddy loves you...

Old People rant.

2008-07-11T08:18:00.002+01:00

So this rant is old, (so old in fact that back when i wrote it I used to be a Paramedic!!! , yep that long ago!!!!) but something I have been wanting to write about for a while now...

It's a fact of life. The older you are, the funnier you smell. Everyone remembers wrinkling their nose at the occasional malodorous burst that your grandfather would emit from his recliner. We all have that one Great-Aunt who never quite got the message that bathing in lilac perfume not only didn't make her attractive, but was also socially inappropriate at funerals and baptisms.

Eventually though we're all going to reach the age when our ol'factory abilities are no longer quite up to snuff, and then we too will join the ranks of the Funny-Smelling-Old-People. In the hopes of brightening the lives of all of the various and theoretical individuals who will be involved in caring for us though, let me offer a few ground rules that I've thought up during the course of my intensive studies of the aged human.

Rule Number 1:
If you piss yourself, change your garments and/or bed sheets immediately. If unable to fulfill this task immediately alert your caretaker to the problem. If caretaker is a lazy fatass in a nursing home, threaten to cut some bacon off that bitch's ass if she doesn't get you some new drawers.

This may seem like a no-brainer, but when you have no brain (quite literally, as the Alzheimer's disease has put millions of little holes through yours) you might need a little reminder now and then. This is a bigger problem with little old men than with little old women. These 80+ year old gentlemen have worn the same pair of tighty-whities since Churchill was smoking cigars and fending off Nazis, and by God you're not going to change that habit now. True, the tighty-whities would now be more appropriately called tighty-yellowies, tighty-brownies, or tighty-WHAT THE FUCKies, but the stench of old ball sweat, urine, and last weeks nursing home brand chili-con-carne is appealing and soothing to the most ancient of men.

All the same- fellas, change it up every now and then. If for no other reason than to spare the young paramedic who's come to pick you up off the floor the overpowering stench of your manly musk. The gentleman I used to pick up off the floor had been on a "Nothing but asparagus, and garlic" diet for about a week based on the incredible odour that was released every time he spread his sizeable thighs.

Rule Number 2:
If you have a colostomy bag, wear it. ALWAYS.

According to Wikipedia, a colostomy is "a surgical procedure that involves connecting a part of the colon onto the anterior abdominal wall, leaving the patient with an opening on the abdomen called a stoma. This opening is formed from the end of the large intestine drawn out through the incision and sutured to the skin. After a colostomy, feces leave the patient's body through the stoma, and collect in a pouch attached to the patient's abdomen which is changed when necessary."

I don't know how much more detail I need to go into on this one. The implications of not following my rather simple directive are obviously severe, but sadly it's a problem that millions, if not billions of people face everyday. At least it seems that way to me. Letting shit literally run down your entire body, including into the open, gangrenous wound on your foot is just bad form. There's nothing at all Christian about doing that. As a matter of fact, didn't Jesus say "Thou shalt not let shit run down thy body", or something like that? I'm pretty sure I read that in Gastrocnemius 13:4.

Of course if you do let all of this happen to you, you're probably crazy enough to latch onto the railing of the staircase with your old-lady claw hands, and contort yourself into an ungodly position. And did you just manage to get your head stuck between two of the support posts for the railing? You did? Good. Time to call the Fire Department.

Rule Number 3:
Do not, at any time, place your nasty old-lady hands anywhere near the paramedic's genitals.

"Ma'am, with all due respect- please stop cupping my balls. I don't care if I do look like a guy you fucked in 1928" Yeah, I'd hoped to make it to at least 40 before I had to use that line, but unfortunately my chosen profession will afford me no such luxury. This rule doesn't have as much to do with terrible smells as the others, but it's still an important announcement for the geriatric population. Once you top 60 (and I'm being generous there) it is imperative to the psychological well-being of those around you that you adopt a perfectly asexual lifestyle. IMPERATIVE. To the younger folks reading this: work hard in school, and develop the anti-Viagra. Work hard to pass a law requiring all old folks to take said pill.

Rule Number 4:
Ladies, take care of your teats. Everyone likes British Cheese- nobody likes Boob Cheese.

There is nothing worse than boob cheese. It ruins my days, and haunts my dreams. It stalks me in my nightmares- sneaking up behind me all curdled and smelling like a septic tank with a yeast infection. It's a known fact that failing to lift up your titties and clean underneath (especially if they hang to your knees) will result in the spontaneous formation of boob cheese. Now before you get all spiritual and assume this is some sort of divine creation of new life let me assure you that if I didn't was parts of my body all sorts of little creepy crawlies would grow there too, and I'd have no part in their creation.

Now many of you may be wondering why I'm dealing with old lady funbags in the first place. Well sadly enough a few years ago they decided that paramedics were intelligent enough to apply a few stickers to a patient's chest, look at a few wavy lines on an ECG, and determine whether or not someone was having a heart attack. This would be a good thing, if placing some of those stickers didn't require diving into the heart of darkness that is the underside of a 94 year old woman's 37lb breast that you have to start lifting from below her shin. I kid you not; this woman was scratching her left nipple with her big toe.

So there you have it. Rules for not smelling terrible in your old age, and for making the life of your medical care provider that much better. Oh, and really, no matter how bad they smell old ladies are still sweet as can be.

Paper Vs Rock

2008-06-23T08:41:00.003+01:00

I understand how scissors can beat paper and i get how a rock can beat scissors, but there's no fucking way paper can beat rock. Is paper supposed to magically wrap around rock and leave it immobile? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why aren't sheets of college ruled notebook paper constantly suffocating students as they take notes in class? I'll tell you why, because paper can't beat anybody!!! A rock would tear that shit up in two seconds. When i play rock, paper scissors, i always play rock. Then when somebody claims to have beaten me with paper i can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say:
"Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!!!

Funny Laws from around the world

2008-06-17T18:14:00.002+01:00

1-In Alabama, putting salt on a railroad track may be punishable by death and keeping an ice cream cone in your back pocket at any time is a crime.

2-A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

3-In Alaska, you may hunt a bear safely but it is illegal to wake a bear and take a picture for photo opportunities.

4-In Arizona, US, donkeys cannot sleep in bathtubs and you may be imprisoned for 25 years for cutting down a cactus.

5-In Arkansas, schoolteachers who bob their hair are not eligible for a raise and it is illegal to buy or sell blue light bulbs.

6-In Baldwin Park, California, nobody is allowed to ride a bicycle in a swimming pool.

7- In Los Angeles, a man can legally beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated.

8-In Philippines, cars whose license plates end with a 1 or 2 are not allowed on the roads on Monday, 3 or 4 on Tuesday, 5 or 6 on Wednesday, 7 or 8 on Thursday, and 9 or 0 on Friday from 7:00 AM onwards to keep roads free of traffic jams.

9-In Singapore, it is illegal to come within 50 meters of a pedestrian crossing marker on any street.

10-In South Korea, traffic policemen are required to report all bribes that they receive from motorists.

11-In Sweden, prostitution is legal but it is illegal to use the services of a prostitute.

12-In Switzerland, it is illegal to flush the toilet after 10 PM.

13-In Thailand, it is illegal to leave your house without wearing underwear.

Go figure!!!

List of the world's most ridiculous laws

2008-06-17T18:00:00.001+01:00

25. It is illegal for a cab in the City of London to carry rabid dogs or corpses.

24. It is illegal to die in the Houses of Parliament.

23. It is an act of treason to place a postage stamp bearing the British monarch upside down.

22. In France, it is forbidden to call a pig, Napoleon.

21. Under the UK’s Tax Avoidance Schemes Regulations 2006, it is illegal not to tell the taxman anything you don’t want him to know, though you don’t have to tell him anything you don’t mind him knowing.

20. In Alabama, it is illegal for a driver to be blindfolded while driving a vehicle.

19. In Ohio, it is against state law to get a fish drunk.

18. Royal Navy ships that enter the Port of London must provide a barrel of rum to the Constable of the Tower of London.

17. In the UK, a pregnant woman can legally relieve herself anywhere she wants – even, if she so requests, in a policeman’s helmet.

16. In Lancashire, no person is permitted after being asked to stop by a constable on the seashore to incite a dog to bark.

15. In Miami, Florida, it is illegal to skateboard in a police station.

14. In Indonesia, the penalty for masturbation is decapitation.

13. In England, all men over the age of 14 must carry out two hours of longbow practice a day.

12. In London, Freemen are allowed to take a flock of sheep across London Bridge without being charged a toll; they are also allowed to drive geese down Cheapside.

11. In San Salvador, drunk drivers can be punished by death before a firing squad.

10. In the UK, a man who feels compelled to urinate in public can do so only if he aims for his rear wheel and keeps his right hand on his vehicle.

9. In Florida, unmarried women who parachute on Sundays can be jailed.

8. In Kentucky, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon more than six-feet long.

7. In Chester, Welshmen are banned from entering the city before sunrise and from staying after sunset.

6. In the city of York, it is legal to murder a Scotsman within the ancient city walls, but only if he is carrying a bow and arrow.

5. In Boulder, Colorado, it is illegal to kill a bird within the city limits and also to “own” a pet – the town’s citizens, legally speaking, are merely “pet minders”.

4. In Vermont, women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear false teeth.

3. In London, it is illegal to flag down a taxi if you have the plague.

2. In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman’s genitals but is forbidden from looking directly at them during the examination; he may only see their reflection in a mirror.

1. The head of any dead whale found on the British coast is legally the property of the King; the tail, on the other hand, belongs to the Queen - in case she needs the bones for her corset.

Dear Fat Bird Down the Road,

2008-05-01T13:47:00.002+01:00

I'm the first to admit that it would be easier to come and speak to you in person than to draft this letter,
but there is a good reason I have elected to contact you in writing. Put simply, you terrify me.

Actually, perhaps 'terrify' is the wrong word. 'Alarm' might be more appropriate. 'Disturb', maybe.
Whatever the precise definition, the thought of coming within a few feet of you and holding a direct, one to
one conversation chills me to the bone.

That's not to say I can't speak to you. You've heard me say hello to you several times. In fact, I've
probably said hello more times to you than I have to anyone else alive, and it is for this precise reason I
have chosen to write this letter.

I'm going to come right out with it:

Why are you following me?

It was funny the first few occasions I bumped into you in unexpected places, but now - if I'm honest - it's
kind of creeping me out.

Remember that first time - two, maybe three years ago, I forget - when I was out running along a dirt track
several miles from where either one of us lives? I'd covered a fair distance that day, but was still a good
twenty miles from the nearest signs of civilisation.

Imagine my surprise, then, to meet you walking at a leisurely pace in the opposite direction. We greeted each
other with a polite nod and a mumbled 'alright?' and continued on our way, and though I wondered where you could
possibly be walking from, I quickly put it down to one of life's funny little coincidences, and didn't give
the incident another thought.

Until two weeks later, when I met you near the gents' toilets of a Amoreiras Shopping Mall. The gents' toilets
of Amoreiras located one hundred and nine squillion miles from our home town. You were pacing around the main
entrance as I was entering, and though I smiled at our second coincidental meeting in as many weeks, you remained
largely impassive, simply giving me another nod as I stood aside to let you by.

By the time I emerged from the toilets - just two minutes later - you were gone.

In the weeks which followed I became more and more suspicious. It seemed that wherever I went, there you were.

When I went to the petrol station you were there filling your car up. In the supermarket you were at the next
checkout, your trolley groaning under the weight of cakes and chocolate. On my way home from nights out with
friends I'd pass your house and find you standing on the front step, smoking. At 3am! Why were you standing
outside smoking at 3am, you crazy bitch?

On every occasion the salutation was the same: A single nod of your oversized head and - if you were feeling
generous - a curt 'alright?'. One time, during a late night smoking session, you broke with tradition as I
passed and commented on how cold it was. It was three o'clock in the morning in February, of course it was cold.
If you were cold why weren't you inside your house?!

Why? Because you were waiting for me, that's why. That's what I decided at the time, anyway, and you've done
little to convince me otherwise in the weeks and months since then.

I travel 65 miles to the nearest cinema and you're sitting in the row in front, scoffing popcorn by the fistful.
I go swimming and you're standing by the changing room, vigorously drying inbetween your oversized thighs like
your life depends on it. I pass you on my way into town and then meet you in the first shop I go into. How is
that even possible? Do you double back? Is there more than one of you? It just doesn't make sense any more.
Had it not been for the fact that other people have seen you I'd be convinced you existed solely in my head.

I'm sure you haven't forgotten that time I went to visit my ex-girlfriend in hospital, only to find you lying in
the bed I expected her to be in. For a brief moment I felt an almost overwhelming sense of relief. I thought I
had finally reached the end of some twisted, elaborate game, and you were going to be revealed as nothing more
than my ex-girlfriend in a fat suit. But no. My ex-girlfriend had simply been moved to another ward, and you
had been given her old bed, supposedly completely by chance.

Well I don't buy it. There's not enough room in the world for that much coincidence. The Universe just doesn't
work that way.

It's got to the stage now where I'm actively looking for you wherever I go. Will you be sitting in the dentist's
waiting room today? Or at the next table in a coffee shop? Or hiding in my cupboard? I feel like I'm trapped
in some psychologically harrowing version of 'Where's Wally?' with no way of reaching the final page.

It's the apparent lack of motive which scares me the most. Have I done something to you? Is that why you're
pursuing me like some sort of relentless machine? If I have, then I'm sorry. Whatever it was, I'm sorry.
Just please ... please leave me alone!

Ironically, I don't even know your name, despite knowing your face better than I know my own. It has reached
the stage now when I can identify your slow, lumbering walk at anything up to five hundred yards, though I've
learned long ago that taking evasive action even at this early stage is pointless. You'll find me. Wherever
I go, whichever way I turn, you'll find me. You'll hunt me down, and for what? To nod at me and say 'alright?'
in a low voice? It seems like such a waste of both your time and mine.

I'd like us to wipe the slate clean and start again. If it takes some kind of rota system in which only one
of us can leave our respective houses at any given time, that's fine by me. I can work with that if it means
not having to constantly be on the lookout for your bulging frame.

As I explained earlier, I don't know your name. Nor do I know the exact number of the house you live at, as I
usually fix my gaze firmly on the pavement when I pass. This would make addressing this letter difficult,
however I am reasonably confident that when I finish writing and turn around I will find you standing a short
distance behind me, so I foresee no difficulty in getting my message to you.

Thank you for taking the time to read this letter, and for the five minutes of relative freedom you have
afforded me by doing so. I look forward to never seeing you again for the remainder of my natural life.

Regards,

Feral

A Letter to God

2008-05-01T13:23:00.000+01:00

Sent: 8th April 2008 •
To: The Lord God Almighty •
Subject: A Quick Word

Dear Father Who Art in Heaven,

Apologies for writing this letter to you on the day of the Pope's funeral, but as you're omnipotent I thought
you could probably still manage to show him around and read this at the same time. Regardless, I'll try to
keep this brief as I know you're very busy being utterly indifferent to the suffering of mankind:

What the fuck are you playing at?

Okay, perhaps that's a little too brief. If you'll avoid turning me into a pillar of salt or having a plague
of locusts descend on my house for the next five minutes I'll explain my concerns in a little more detail.
You may want to have a seat before continuing, assuming for one second that someone who is both everywhere
and nowhere at the same time is capable of sitting down.

That's a point - if you made man in your own image how come I'm not an unfeasibly large invisible giant too?
Actually there are one or two questions I have regarding your existence and the contents of the Bible which
I'll throw into this letter, and which I hope you can answer should you take the time to reply. That's not
my main reason for writing, however. Oh my goodness no.

I'll admit I haven't been a regular church goer. In fact since leaving primary school I've only ever set foot
inside a church to shoot wedding videos, and even this was solely motivated by profit. On the other hand,
however, I don't think I've lived my life in sin, or at least in no more sin than the vast majority of your
flock, and in less than the majority of the Catholic church.

In fact, to illustrate how scarcely I sin (other than low key, everyday sins, obviously, because let's face
it, if I was to avoid all sin I'd have to somehow force myself to slip into a coma), let's take a look at
the Ten Commandments:

I. Thou shalt have no other gods before me.

I don't. I'm strictly 100% atheist and worship no gods of any description whatsoever. I've dabbled in Buddhism,
but then Buddhism is not centred round the concept of there being one true god, so I don't think it counts.

In fact when you think of it, this commandment is pretty stupid. What other gods are there these days? I
don't really expect there's a large following for Thor the God of Thunder any more, at least not outside
of Marvel Comics. If you ever get round to having the Bible updated (and if you do I'm more than willing
to help with the rewrite) I think you can safely drop this commandment.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

II. Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.

I don't even know what this means, so I don't reckon I've done it. Was this the thing about all the folk at the
bottom of the mountain having made a cow out of gold and started worshipping it while Moses was up getting these
commandments carved in stone? How bored do you have to be to decide to build a cow out of solid gold??

In fact if it only took you a week to create the Earth and everything in it how come it took you like a month
to write the ten commandments? If it was writer's block I can relate to that. Or did you come up with loads of
other commandments that had to be whittled down to the final ten? "Though shalt not throw toads at a wall"
and the like?

Whatever, how pissed off were you when Moses smashed them to smithereens when he got to the bottom of the
mountain? Way to go with the temper losing Moses. Man I bet he was sheepish when he came back up to ask for
another copy.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

III. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain.

Okay, I've done this, but Christ, who hasn't? I'll give you this one though, since I've actually been pulled
up for saying "for God's sake" by an old woman in the past, so there must be people out there who strictly
adhere to it.

Have I broken this commandment?: Yes.

IV. Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

I'm unsure on this one. I like to think I've kept the sabbath day holy in a relaxed, informal sense. A sitting
about watching telly in my pants kind of sense. Do I go to church every Sunday? No, I don't, I'll give you
that, but then in order to keep the sabbath day holy in the way intended in the Bible no-one should be going
to the shops or drinking alcohol or driving cars or anything, and I don't believe there's more than a handful
of people in the world who can say that.

Except maybe the Amish.

And no, I'm aware it doesn't mention anything about driving cars in the Bible, but it does say you're supposed
to walk everywhere on the sabbath, so the driving cars bit is definitely inferred.

So on balance then I reckon I've kept the sabbath just about as holy as everyone else has, so assuming you're
not going to have everyone but the Amish cast into the fiery pits of Hell for breaking this one, I'm going to
assume it remains relatively unbroken by me.

Have I broken this commandment?: No (ish).

V. Honour thy father and thy mother.

Oh, I do. They may get on my nerves from time to time, but everyone gets on my nerves from time to time, so
it's no reflection on them. I'll admit I'm struggling to recall specific incidents of me honouring them, but
there's a vague kind of generic honouring going on most of the time.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

VI. Thou shalt not kill.

I'm definitely in the clear on this one! Even the police said that guy was just a tragic accident and that
I'd tried my best to grab him before he stepped in front of that train.

Have I broken this commandment?: No, and I dare any fucker to say different.

VII. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

Hmm. Again this is a tricky one. Depends how you class adultery. If it has to involve relations of a physical
nature, then no, I haven't. If it also includes spending time with another woman on the sly while in a
relationship with someone else, then yes, I have.

I'll put me down as a "don't know".

Have I broken this commandment?: Maybe.

VIII. Thou shalt not steal.

Once when I was about seven I absent-mindedly walked out of a shop without paying for the newspapers I had been
sent to buy for my parents (see how I honour them?), but I realised about half way home and went back in to pay
for them. Does that count? If so I reckon you're being a little bit harsh.

I'm going to assume because I didn't actually steal anything for more than a few minutes that I'm in the clear.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

IX. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour.

I once told a story about a neighbour who is a pub singer falling off his stool while performing but "magically"
continuing to sing uninterrupted due to him having been miming his way through his entire repertoire, but to the
best of my knowledge that's true, so it doesn't count as false witness.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

X. Thou shalt not covet any thing that is thy neighbour's.

When I was a student the guy in the flat above had an eighteen year old daughter who would come to visit who I
found very attractive. I wouldn't say I "coveted" her as such, more just quite liked the idea of seeing her naked.
Never did though. Shame.

Have I broken this commandment?: No.

So there you have it. Of the ten commandments I've broken one, been a bit iffy on two and adhered to the rest. I
haven't been a bad person all things considered.

So what's with the grudge you appear to have against me? Why have you singled me out for special treatment?
Don't try to deny it, the facts speak for themselves. I'm not going to go into great detail on all the things
you've inflicted upon me over the years because you know them all too well. In fact I wouldn't be at all
surprised if you have a spreadsheet of them printed out and pinned to your office wall, just below an A3 sized
artist's impression of my crying face.

It may strike you as odd that I, a self-confessed atheist, am writing to you to question your motives, but the
answer is very simple. Either I accept that you do exist and that for reasons unknown you fucking hate me, or
I assume all blame for everything that has gone wrong in my life and actively do something to improve the
situation. Though it has taken a radical shift in my thinking, I've decided to go for the former, simply
because I don't fancy facing up to the crushing realisation that I am the captain of my own destiny and that
the majority of my woes have been caused solely by my own actions.

Take, for example, the old penis in the zip incident back when I was sixteen. You remember that one, don't you
God? Granted it was me and not you who caught the old chap in the fly of my Levis, but I'm not the first to do
it and I'm reasonably confident I won't be the last.

How many others, however, awoke next morning to find themselves literally pissing blood all over their sheets?
How many others had to face the indignation of walking through a crowded doctor's surgery with a plastic bag
apparently designed for just such a purpose held firmly over their genitals? Very few, I'll bet. My I bet Noah
laughed at that one when you told him about it in the bar that evening.

Oh, and as an aside, Noah lived to be how old? Nine hundred and fifty it says in the Bible, but that's got to be
some kind of misprint, right? I mean I thought people were living longer these days, but I don't think anyone
is even close to getting a second telegram from the Queen, let alone their ninth! No wonder his beard was so
huge. Man I bet he bored the arse off everyone for the last few hundred years banging on about that boat he
built. "Yeah, yeah, Noah, big flood, animals went in two by two, we've all heard it". Does he still talk about
it now?

In fact, now I think about it, can you explain this:

Genesis 8:20 Then Noah built an altar to the LORD, and took of every clean animal and of every clean bird and
offered burnt offerings on the altar.

Am I right in thinking that after saving all the animals and birds from the great flood Noah then killed and
burnt one of each of them?? How does that work? Didn't that defeat the entire point? I also couldn't let the
next bit pass without comment:

8:21 And the LORD smelled the soothing aroma; and the LORD said to Himself, "I will never again curse the
ground on account of man, for the intent of man's heart is evil from his youth; and I will never again destroy
every living thing, as I have done.

Yeah, you can't beat that smell of burning giraffe, can you? What's with the talking to yourself, though?
More importantly, how did whoever wrote this know you were talking to yourself? And the intent of man's heart
is evil from his youth? Fuck that's bleak. What's the point in even trying if we're all inherently evil anyway?

Seems to me though that you're regretting the whole flood business. Does that mean you made a mistake? I thought
you were infallible? Isn't that the whole basis for religion, that your word is beyond question?

I really hope you can answer some of these and help clear up the confusion, because I'll be honest, I'm starting
to lose that little nugget of belief again, and I don't want to accept any responsibility for my own life if
at all possible.

Reading back over it, I'm struggling to find the purpose of this letter, but I think it basically boils down to
"stop picking on me". In fact, how about you stop picking on everyone? Enough with the Tsunamis and the
earthquakes and the famine and the wars in your name. Cut that shit out. And don't give me none of that
"free will" nonsense. What, it's man's free will to be sitting on the toilet when a fifty foot tidal wave
smashes his house to rubble? On one level yes, I suppose it is, but on so many other levels it's just plain
nastiness on your part.

Man can only have free will if all the information is presented to him, so perhaps if the Archangel Gabriel
had gone door to door saying "by the way a fuck off great wave is going to kill you next week if you stay here"
then I'd have accepted the free will argument, but to the best of my knowledge no such house call was conducted.

When I was about six a Salvation Army person came to the school and said something which stuck with me forever:
"Every time we see a rainbow it reminds us of God's love".

I took this to mean that you, the aforementioned God, were making the rainbows appear as a little reminder of
how much you love us. Tell you what though, keep the rainbows, and stop randomly killing hundreds of thousands
of people on a whim. Sound fair? Perhaps if you stop heaping the tragedy onto people they won't need your
multi-coloured distractions and can instead happily get on with their lives in peace? Just a thought.

Anyway, sorry I didn't quite pull off the brevity thing, but then being God you probably received this letter
before I was even born or something, so chances are it hasn't interrupted your working day too much.

I look forward to your reply, or that of the thousands of zealots who shall now likely attempt to kill me in
your name. Get them told to ease off with the fatwahs too.

Amen,

biker description rant

2008-04-03T12:15:00.003+01:00

I know this is a rant but whatever, I put it in the rant section also. Every once in a while I take an easy ride on the bike path. By the time I am done I swear never again. A month later I don’t want to go to the fells and repeat the same mistake again. I know the bike path is for everyone but HOLY SHIT there are some really annoying people on it.

1) Two-A-Breasters: There is a reason the bike path has a yellow line. You ass wipes ride (or walk) side by side and hog the whole thing. Get with the program! The only good thing about you are your screams of fright as I blow by you without warning.

2) Queer-Eye-For-The-Biker-Guy: I realize that it is possible to buy an entire suit made from Spandex. It is also possible to beat off with a cheese grater, that doesn’t necessarily make it a good idea. If you were you going fast enough to make wind resistance an issue I might be more understanding but you are usually granny-gearing it as you swerve around trying to adjust your $200 sunglasses. Spend less time buying expensive crap and more time riding.

3) Slow-And-Lowers: Do you know that you can adjust your bike seat so that you don’t look like a bear riding a mini-bike at the circus? Take the 30 goddamn seconds to raise the freakin’ seat. Your back will thank you and you’ll be able to break 12 miles per hour with out blowing out a knee cap.

4) Sky-Bar-Enders: Bar ends ARE NOT for getting your hand six inches above the handle bars. They should not be pointing straight up in the goddamn air! If you don’t know exactly why you would want bar ends then YOU DON’T NEED THEM. They are not a convenient resting place for your chubby hands. They are for getting your weight forward during a STEEP TECHNICAL CLIMB. I hope you impale yourself on them after you hit a tree because you couldn’t reach the brake lever in time.

5) Richie-Dick: Yah you, the guy with the 3000 euro full suspension big hit bike poking along the bike trail. The biggest hit you have ever taken was when you got butt raped by the guy who sold you that bike. YOU SUCK! You are the same dumbass who buys a Lexus SUV so you can gun it when you roll over some construction on a main Avenue. You buy a sweet bike and then ride it on freakin’ pavement. I know you have never hit the trail cause’ there is NO DIRT on the thing. Not a spek. Plus you look like a pussy. Either take it off pavement or give it to someone who will.

6) On-Your-Late: Ok there is absolutely nothing wrong with a well timed “On your left” but here is the thing. The whole point of saying it is to warn the rider in front of you that you will soon pass them. Not that you are already next to them on their left side! If your bike is next to mine, IT’S TOO FREAKIN LATE. If we were going to collide we would have. You screaming “On your left” in my ear at that point will only increase the chances of me making an error and crashing into you. Just pass you retard.

7) The HFS (Huge Fucking Stroller): HOLY SHIT! Are you running a cloning lab? If your stroller needs a brake it’s too damn big. Take your kids to the playground and play some tag or something. Jesus, there are bikes flying by at 30 miles per hour. If one hits you your kid will fucking die. I know you think the world will stop for you and your precious little angels but get a clue. Three words “Severe Head Trauma”.

8) Woof-Woof-Splat: Keep your dog on a leash you ass. First of all it’s the FUCKING LAW. Second of all your dog is dumb. So dumb in fact, that it will run in front of my bike to eat some piece of shit left by another jackass dog walker. I WILL hit your dog. I will not get killed or hurt somebody else trying to swerve around Fido. I almost died last year trying to avoid an unleashed dog and will not repeat the mistake. I love dogs but I like my unbroken bones better. Take responsibility for your pet.

9) Roller Bladers: You all suck ass, flailing your arms wildly as you coast along on you roller skates. YES they are roller skates and thus, quite lame. I don’t care if the wheels are “inline”. You jackasses suck so hard I have to break you down into sub-categories of suck.

9.A) Newbi-Tard: You people are ridiculous. You are all decked out in helmets and pads. You mostly look terrified as your (usually fat) ass careens down the very slight grade of the trail. Here is a hint. If you don’t know how to STOP then it probably isn’t safe for you or anyone else for you to be on the path. I swear one of you is gonna fall in front of me and get an imprint of my front sprocket on your fat thighs.

9.B) Pack Of Newbi-Tards: See above but clustered together, literally hanging onto each other for protection. You are worse than the individuals. You take up the WHOLE TRAIL so nobody can pass. Heed the dirty looks you get and go find a freaking parking lot. I hope to kick one of you as I ride by and watch as you all fall over in a flabby whimpering heap.

9.C) Hot Chicks With Skimpy Outfits: The only reason you suck is because you are fully clothed and make me slow down to check you out. Other than that you rock.

9.D) Super Sweet Doooods: You guys are sooo fucking gay it’s not even funny. You think you are awesome as you take up the whole trail gliding back and forth in super sweet slow motion. I dream of you flying off the trail and getting wrapped around a tree.

People Of Mention:
Having been on the path more than a few times I have come to recognize a select few people who require special attention.

The kid who shot me with a plastic BB gun: I saw you hiding behind the bush well before you shot me. You were lucky I was going fast when the yellow BB hit my chest and thus had to slow down a little before leaping off my bike and chasing you as far as your back yard. You were scared shitless which is good because you could kill someone doing that shit. If I ever see you again you won’t be so lucky.

The 35 people who rode by me pretending I didn’t exist as I asked for a spare tube or a patch kit after blowing both of my spare tubes: You all suck ass. A very nice lady eventually stopped and gave me a patch. I know I was covered in mud but come on people. I always stop and ask people if they need help, common freaking courtesy.

The Decked Out Intense Midget Woman: OK you are not actually a midget but you do look very small. Or perhaps you look small in comparison to the mounds of crap attached to your mountain bike which is too big for you and I am sure has never left the pavement. Not only do you fall into categories 2, 4, 5 and 6. You were also one of the 35 jerks who didn’t help me. In fact you looked me in the eye and didn’t even slow down. I KNOW you have every sort of tool and tube imaginable packed away in your various slings and packs yet you rode by as if I were invisible. You look like a goddamn scuba diver with your neoprene outfit and mirrors sticking off of every available part of your bike. I see you on Liberty Avenue. from time to time in the morning on my way to work. You look retarded. And why do you hang a huge plastic bag from your bar ends?!?!?! It looks like your gear makes you waterproof to the depth of at least 15 meters. What are the bags doing? Worst of all YOU ARE SLOW!!!!! God you are slow. Jettison some of your useless shit and maybe I won’t blow by you 4 times in one ride.

Tubby Guy On The Tiny Road Bike: I’ve only seen you a few times. Once I passed you through an intersection not knowing that this would enrage you so much that you would be forced to almost hit me as you sprinted past me sneering. I must say I was impressed, you hauled ass dude. I’m guessing you didn’t keep it up very long tho. If I hadn’t been on the tail end of a five hour ride I would have raced.

Gay Guys On The Tandem Bike: I am assuming that you are gay simply because I don’t know any straight guys who would go in 50/50 on a bright yellow tandem Cannondale and then ride it regularly in spandex forgive me if I am wrong. I haven’t seen you guys in a year or so. You were my arch rivals. Holy crap you were fast. One time I kept up with you (on the downhill) for a few minutes and almost died. I swear you would slow down until I got close and then take off again. I salute you, you bright yellow bastards. Oh and good call making the one eyed guy ride in back.

People Who Rock: Yes there are some people who rock! I’m not a total asshole.

Hard core road bikers: Holy crap you guys (and gals) are fast as hell, keep it up.
Mountain Unicyclers: I’ve seen you in the fells and there is only one word for you BADASS!!!!!!!!
Messengers/Anyone on a fixed gear with no brakes: You know it but I’ll say it anyway. Elite.
Trials Riders: I wish I had skills like that.
Little Kids with Big Helmets: You rock, two thumbs up!

FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

2008-03-27T08:37:00.000Z

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that
towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked
in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes
me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with
your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide
up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to
lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the
Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii ,
relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of
Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and
do nothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the
turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him
enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top
of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:
Bull Sh * t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird
froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to
realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow
dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who sh*ts o n you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh* t is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep sh* t, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

School 1960 vs. School 2007

2008-03-26T17:51:00.000Z

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.

1960 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up mates.

2007 - Police are called, Armed Response Unit arrives and arrests Johnny and Mark. Mobiles with video of fight confiscated as evidence. They are charged with assault, ASBOs are taken out and both are suspended even though Johnny started it. Diversionary conferences and parent meetings conducted. Video shown on 6 internet sites.

Scenario: Jeffrey won't sit still in class, disrupts other students.

1960 - Jeffrey is sent to the principal's office and given 6 of the best. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2007 - Jeffrey is given huge doses of Ritalin. Counselled to death. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra funding because Jeffrey has a disability. Drops out of school.

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him the slipper.

1960 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2007 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy is removed to foster care and joins a gang. Psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy's mum has an affair with the psychologist. Psychologist gets a promotion.

Scenario: Mark, a college student, brings cigarettes to school .

1960 - Mark shares a smoke with the school principal out on the smoking area.

2007 - Police are called and Mark is expelled from School for drug possession. His car is searched for drugs and weapons.

Scenario: Mohammed fails high school English.

1960 - Mohammed retakes his exam, passes and goes to college.

2007 - Mohammed's cause is taken up by local human rights group. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that making English a requirement for graduation is racist. Civil Liberties Association files class action lawsuit against state school system and his English teacher. English is banned from core curriculum. Mohammed is given his qualification anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers, puts them in a model plane paint bottle and blows up an anthill.

1960 - Ants die.

2007 - MI5 and police are called and Johnny is charged with perpetrating acts of terrorism. Teams investigate parents, siblings are removed from the home, computers are confiscated, and Johnny's dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario: Johnny falls during break and scrapes his knee. His teacher, Mary, finds him crying, and gives him a hug to comfort him.

1960 - Johnny soon feels better and goes back to playing.

2007 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces three years in prison. Johnny undergoes five years of therapy. Becomes gay.

Console Wars

2008-03-25T08:02:00.002Z

You have to feel sorry for everyone that plumped for the PS3 over the 360. Not the Sony diehards that would buy a polished poo if it had the Sony logo on. No, I’m talking about those poor souls who were stood in Comets humming and hawing over which console to buy and plumped for the shiny black plastic thing that had a familiar name.

Because it just hasn’t delivered on its initial promise, has it? And sure, PS3 owners put on a brave face and try to sound like they’re not bothered that they backed the wrong horse, but that’s just because they paid a ton of money for something that really isn’t worth it.

That’s not to say the PS3 won’t become a great console in the future. I’m sure it will. Of course it will. Remember when the PS2 was about to come out? It was hyped as being the greatest thing EVER. Better than Jesus, better than a cure for cancer, better than peace in the Middle East.

But when it did eventually arrive, everyone went ‘Yeah, it looks great and all that, but where are the games?’ Back then, the hype did the job it was supposed to do, which was completely kill the excellent and hideously over looked Dreamcast, one of the most spectacular consoles the world has ever seen and which was eventually bought by approximately 50 people.

PS3 or Xbox 360 (or even the Nintendo Wii)? The console wars rage ever on over on the message boards.

A quick game of Chu Chu Rocket anyone? Shameful the way that beautiful little grey box was treated. And it died a death all because of Sony’s aggressive marketing campaign.

I’m not saying the PS2 wasn’t a stunning machine. It was fantastic. It just took a year after the actual release of the bloody thing for anything vaguely decent and next gen to come out. Meanwhile, the kids are at home playing some crappy fireworks simulator pretending they’re having a great time.

The exact same thing is happening with the PS3, but this time it hasn’t worked anywhere near as well as Sony had expected. Firstly, the 360 came out and is as close to perfect as you can get. Don’t get me wrong, I may be in the employ of Microsoft to write this column, but there is no way I’m taking dirty money.

I am allowed to say exactly what I want to about any console or game. And you’ll see over the coming months that Xbox doesn’t get off scot-free. But even the biggest Playstation fan has to admit that the 360 is just great. And it had enough of a head start over Sony to actually tempt a few people away.

Then there was the ridiculous sale price for the PS3. Something like 70 billion million hundred pounds. I exaggerate slightly for piss poor comic effect, but you get the idea. Way over budget for your casual gamer. Even me, with my millions, wasn’t going to spend that much on it. Oh no, I got mine free. And I have used it precisely once.

And what the sodding hell is Blu-ray all about? That’s not even how you spell blue. It should have an ‘e’ at the end, B-L-U-E! Not Blu. Pathetic. Yes, it may have beaten HD DVD, a format I didn’t even know existed until the announcement that it was being withdrawn, but are people really going to dump their old DVD players to watch something that is a) only slightly better quality and b) more expensive?

I even got sent a free copy of Casino Royale when I registered my PS3 online, and I haven’t watched it out of protest. I lost big time in the great Betamax/VHS wars of the early 80s. Yes, I’m not ashamed to admit I backed totally the wrong horse then. I went for Betamax. Excellent quality but only 3 films available to rent.

Oh the shame of going into the then new video libraries and having to shuffle into a corner to spend literally seconds browsing through the Beta titles that were half-filling one tiny shelf.

And do you know what? It was Sony that got me a severe kicking on several occasions in school because I didn’t have VHS. For that reason, I shall certainly NOT be supporting another nancy boy, nonsense format that Sony have just made up in an attempt to look all clever and cool. No. Not again.

And don’t get me started on the online services. That’s a whole rant in itself. Suffice to say, one console offers a sublime, beautiful, wondrous, joyful online experience, while the other is guff. I’ll leave it to you to try and work out which is which.

Look, I’m not saying I’m never going to play PS3 again, all I’m saying is it’s going to take something pretty special to get me to try and find the controllers and start up the thing. It will happen, I just don’t know when.

So if you choose Sony or Microsoft its up to you, but I'm sticking to my 360...

Discuss.

Owned part 2

2007-10-04T16:51:00.001+01:00

The best scary maze game prank. Laughed off my seat.

Owned Videos

2007-10-04T16:48:00.001+01:00

This made me roar with laughter. Still laughing now!!!!

Airport rant

2007-09-29T10:49:00.000+01:00

One of the privileges of blogging is that it permits you to vent your anger occasionally, at those that cause you problems. I´m currently working at a major international airport and it is one of the worst airports in the world.

So step forward Lisbon airport to claim your prize. I salute your incompetence, your rude & unhelpful staff, and your corporate disrespect for customer service.

People know that an occupational hazard with many flight companies is overbooking. Rightly or wrongly, it happens, and when it does, I grit my teeth because I know that a few passengers will be pissed off and general come towards me with their anger, but they will never remember this is why flights are sometimes relatively cheap. Many flight companies have the same problems, but why oh why is it always with TAP. (Transport Air Portugal)

I cannot deal with the millions of customers (usually fifteen flights at the same time, at the same check in, in which they have to catch a flight to a hub, narrowly making the connection to the second flight as it is boarding..... and then finding that their seats (for which they already hold a boarding pass & had checked in for 4 hours earlier) has been given to someone else. The next flight to the same destination being the next morning, 12 hours later.... Why TAP why!!!!!!

... and the fact that its aircrew aren't interested in helping ("Ask the ground staff about transfers when you arrive, it's not my job"), its ground staff are intransigent ("The flight is full") and its customer (dis)service personnel aren't empowered to make decisions and rudely deny they have European-law mandated compensation forms ("write in to the PR department") make it even worse!!

An airline that has a policy of bumping transfer passengers (In fact this happens alot with TAP), deserves to go out of business. So, I'm posting this in the hope that I contribute, in some small way, to the future downfall of the company & its acquisition by an airline that runs a business, not a bureaucracy.

My advice: don't travel by TAP, especially on a transit flight via Lisbon.

The second part of this rant is about their security in the airport. I was actually working when I noticed that my airport security card (The one that hangs around my neck with my photo, areas that i am allowed to enter and expiry date) was about to expire. I contacted my ANA supervisor, (which was a lovely woman with a huge attitude!!!!) and told her the situation. The fact of the matter was that the employment agency still hadn´t sent the paperwork to update my card and so she told me to keep working and hopefully I could continue past security without them noticing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there I was, two weeks later with an outdated security card, STILL WORKING!!!!!!! Not one guard noticed my card, not one! I walked into secure areas that no passenger has ever been. Into areas that could easily have been a major security headache and a once in a lifetime chance for a terrorist. Security was awful and I mean awful. They contract a security company 'cos its cheaper than the police and once they know your face they don´t bother checking your card. Remeber terrorists, be friendly, always have a smile on your face and Lisbon security will overlook the obvious, with their cheap Brazilian labour force!!!

Step forward Lisbon airport, its time to claim your prize as the most incompetent airport in the world!!!!!!!!!!!!

Footage of Benito Mussolini, Il Duce

2007-09-18T16:28:00.001+01:00

If your into this then you´ll enjoy it!!

The wife, romance and global warming rant

2007-09-05T23:54:00.000+01:00

Something my wife is into the moment, and it´s doing my fucking head in, is pebbles!!!! She collects them!
I don´t mean normal pebbles, I mean varnished ones in a dish. They´r fucking everywhere in our house!! Bowls of the fucking things everywhere!! I said to her yesterday:
"Where did you go yesterday? Fucking skimming!!!"
The bloody things just appear. You turn around and theirs a mound of fucking aggrogate in the lounge! She didn´t take it likely when I asked her if she was formimg her own beach!
I think there is a conspiracy going on with some women... Think about it! There miles of portuguese coastline going missing, global warming???? Bollocks its in our lounge!
Our planet has heated up 5% in the last ten years due to bloody candles!!! That´s whats fucking up the planet... Her candles!!!
It´s fucking pebbles, candles and now cushions!!! Not normal cushions. Oh no, small shitty tiny things which she calls scatter cushions. Scatter bloody everywhere!!! Their tiny, I mean who made them? The Fraggles??? Bloody everywhere, they are! Their the same size as a sand bag.
I think she expects me to fill them with sand, put them up against the door because the global tides are comming because she´s depleting the coastline and eating up the planet with her FUCKING CANDLES!!!!

Me: "We´re drowning!"

Her: "Yeah, but theirs a lovely smell of Jasmin."

Candles everywhere in our house! And you can´t light them. Oh no! God forbid! Their ornaments! Bloody ornaments!!!!

Another thing right, is when she lights one of the cheap candles. You know the ones you get in a clear bag with 15,000 candles for 5.99!! Usually lit at dinner time ´cos she says its romantic. ROMANTIC????

"Jesus love switch the light on, I can´t see the food. I´m not Charles Fucking Dickens!!!!!"

Have you ever sat their by candle light. Everything flickering. The foods moving around, her face is wobbling, the rooms jumping around...

Me: "Switch the light on love I´m fucking tripping!!!"

Her: "Well theirs no need to be sarcastic, I´m just creating the mood."

Me: "Well you got me in one!!!!"

Women!!!! Why are they so complicated???? They love romance which is cool but why has it have to be so complicated?? For example:
Have you ever had a night in with your wife or girlfriend, you have nice meal and then they come out with these really mad suggestions like...

"Let´s have a bath together. It´ll be just like the films..."

But it isn´t is it? `Cos women like to have their bath water so fucking HOT!!!! Have you ever seen a woman get out of the bath? Their red up to their necks! It looks like their wearing a low cut bloody dress. Even a lobster would put his claw in the bath and say Fuck That!!!
And have you noticed that they´r always in the bath before us? Thats so they can Romantically watch you walk in completely naked and Romantically get into the bath while holding your nuts above your head!! Remember girls boiling hot water and bollocks don´t mix!
And why do we always get the tap end? Your in the bath and the tap is dripping hot hater on your back every so often. Yeah love reaaaalllly romantic!!! Yeah well its all happening down our end. We´ve got the shower head dripping on our skull, the tap dripping on our backs!!!! Then you look down to the other end of the bath and she´s in the lounge position!!!! What the hell can you do in a four foot bath that's romantic. Nothing!!!!
She says: "Wash my back darling."
So you agree and move into position, but as you both move you squeek everywhere as your skin rubs against the porceline!! It sounds like a couple of donkeys fighting over a watering hole.

Is romance dead??? Your guess is as good as mine!!!

Sleeping prank

2007-08-11T23:16:00.001+01:00

This just makes me roar with laughter everytime I watch it.

Best of Stewie 2

2007-08-11T23:14:00.001+01:00

Best of Stewie Griffin. Just the funniest kid.

Homeless Fakes and why they annoy me!

2007-08-04T16:50:00.000+01:00

It's happened to all of us. Its 8:30 am , you are sitting at a red light on your way to your shit job. You're sipping on your luke-warm coffee, humming along with your local radio stations shit "top 40" you drone on to every day...when all of a sudden, a horrifying figure appears in your mirror. An effing "homeless" guy! He’s floating around like a piece of shit, flaunting his half assed sign in your window, trying to finagle a euro or two from your already thin wallet. For what? So he can go and buy a fifth of whiskey to help him forget about the life he had before his children died in an avalanche, which finally pushed his wife over the heterosexual cliff into the sea of lesbianism.

Now, I feel bad for homeless people. Lol. The thought of a person, with no place to go, crying uncontrollably while trying to maintain an erection in the blistering winter cold, just to savour a split second of orgasmic joy, truly aches my shallow heart. BUT, don't get confused ladies and gentlemen, beggars ARE NOT homeless! Beggars are lazy fucks that don't feel like working a corporate McDonalds job, so they waddle their asses down to a busy intersection to trick YOU into supporting their family and/or hooker fisting fetish.

"But, How do you know they aren't really homeless?" The fact that you would even ask me that question insults me. Someone stupid enough to fall for this scam doesn't belong driving a car. They belong in the cars path so that their body ends up flattened like a bloody, fleshy, bone infused pancake; however, since I am the most helpful person on the World Wide Web, I will tell you how to decipher the beggars from the homeless.

-The fabrication of their sign. This is an immediate giveaway. Real homeless people have no idea how to write. If the wording on the sign is legible and comprehensible, spit in their face and turn away. If you happen to forget about the grammar aspect, check out the writing medium. Anything used to create the sign besides blood; feces or road sludge is bogus. The other day I passed a "Falsey" holding a sign done in 4 different marker colours. You read that right, 4! Come on! If I’m supposed to believe he is homeless, then decorating his cardboard with the 25 euro cents worth of "Thick Tipped Quad Pack pens" shouldn’t even be in the equation. I have a full-time job and I can’t even afford that shit.

-The context of their sign. If the sign reads, "I am a Colonial War Soldier Survivor", they better be elderly, missing all their limbs, completely nude and sporting an "Angola is Ours" tattoo that takes up their whole back... not a 30 year old with soot smeared on his cheeks. If they don’t meet my required description to a T, they aren’t homeless, and they aren’t getting my Euros. If their sign reads, "I am mentally challenged, please help", throw a Coke can at them and drive away. Retarded people don’t need money! What are they going to spend it on? Chew toys? Now that I’m thinking about it, the only way I'd give my money to a "sign holder" would be if it read, "Give me your fucking money or I'll rape your whole fucking family!" That gets my attention and sparks my interest! Here sir, have a crisp European note!

-Their attire. All of these "Falsey's" dress in stereotypical homeless clothing. Dirty, torn shirts with mismatched stained pants to make it look like they have roughed the elements for a significant amount of time. PHONEY! Do you know where they went wrong? While they were creating these costumes, they used clothes from the year 2000. If you are really homeless and wearing those clothes, then you have only been without shelter for 7 years, so stop being a pussy! The homeless people that get my sympathy are the ones with dirty dunlop trainers and a "Button Your Fly" t- shirt. That means that the last time they could afford to purchase clothing, Boyz II Men's "Motownphilly" was topping the charts on the top 100. I barely remember that far back, what a trooper! I also toss a coin to the individual dawning an old wool blanket draped upon their bare body. Homeless or not, that shit is itchy and uncomfortable. They are obviously dedicated, and I respect that.

-Their location. Regardless of what you may believe, homeless people don't know how to walk, so how the hell did they get to the busiest intersection in Portugal? We all know that they didn’t crawl! Since we were infants, society has conditioned us to kick and elbow drop any and all homeless people that we happen to see crawling about. So obviously, they would have been dead after only a few feet. The only other option is that they took a bus. The bus costs money that homeless people can't afford to spend, so they are counterfeits and I hope they get a deadly infection in their cock vein! No, I'm not just making up excuses to not help out these so-called, "homeless" individuals, that is nonsensical to the absurd power! If I’m walking around downtown and I’m in the giving mood, I will look in the alleys. Real homeless people only reside in dark narrow alleys, covered in litter. I’m more apt to shell out a couple ducats to the poor sap sandwiched within a shoebox, covered in his own piss instead of the bored looking guy wearing a beanie and camo jacket on the corner of Great War Avenue. Plus, authentic de-sheltered individuals are ready and willing to put on an improvisational comedic act to earn your cash. Paying to watch a grown man with a rat living in his beard humiliate himself by doing the Electric Slide, is definitely money well spent! It is a service that I am more than willing to support!

So, before one of you stinkies comes a tappin' on my windscrean, make sure to have proof of your misfortune. If I smell bullshit, and you aren't covered in it, you just earned yourself a collapsed windpipe. Looks like you'll have to beg for money elsewhere now so you can afford one of those electronic voice box transmitters... those are funny.

Guns and shit.

2007-07-18T09:50:00.000+01:00

Apparently I´m a gun. Not just any gun!!
Check out what gun you are at:

http://www.quizilla.com/users/ReverendDeWald/quizzes/What%20Gun%20Are%20You?/

Liar Liar, pants on fire!!!

2007-07-12T18:53:00.000+01:00

Nothing in this world infuriates me more than knowing that the bullshit that has just come out of a pathological liar’s mouth is an absolute falsehood, but I have no concrete means to challenge this fictitious claim. I like to call this THE UNCONFIRMABLE LIE. It serves no purpose, no logical thinking person will ever believe it, but on what basis can we actually mount a dispute?
Usually these lies revolve around encounters with the opposite sex. “I totally fucked the hot new secretary at my work last night”. Yeah, sure you did. Very convenient that none of us were around to see if you actually mustered an ounce of game, of which you’ve never displayed before on all the occasions all of us are out, and actually managed to coerce this lovely female into bed with you. Yeah, I believe that. I also believe that a magical rabbit hops around my yard come spring time leaving me chocolates in the grass. You don’t need to wow us with your sexual conquests, we’re your friends already, and we don’t judge you. Except for that time we caught you spreading jam on your scrotum and forcing that stray dog to lick it clean. Yet despite past history and all signs pointing to an untruth, I have no definitive proof that what you are saying is a sham.

These false pretenses also typically arise in situations when said imposter describes behavior that appears uncharacteristic. “These four huge guys were coming at me, so I stepped up and knocked the biggest one out with one punch and the others just backed off.” Oh yeah, I believe that one. Especially since the last fight I saw you in was with that poor kid with narcolepsy and he managed to stay awake long enough to slap you around pretty good. You obviously feel the need to prove your masculinity further with tales of combat and danger. What purpose does this tall tale serve? Do you believe that I will admire you, fear you, or respect you? You had my respect, until the moment you thought I’d believe that crap. But I digress. Once again, I have no way to firmly prove that the words excreting from your mouth are indeed the counterfeit I know them to be.

It puzzles me as to why people actually do this. Perhaps they think that since there is no proof that it didn’t happen, it MUST have happened. Or maybe they just believe that everyone is foolish enough to believe those absurd lies. Either way, that’s one crazy rationale. You go ahead and enjoy it. I think they call it delusions of grandeur in psychiatric circles. Send me a line sometime from the asylum, I hear they have these nice padded rooms and these cool jackets, they’re really straight.

Where are you Maddie?

2007-06-26T12:31:00.001+01:00

Has the little girl turned up yet?"
"No, no she hasn´t!" That´s the way I responded with a rude and forcefull air. "Do you have to ask me the same question everyday?" The same doubts everyday, the same lack of an answer.

Sorry Maddie, but after four or five days and after the second and third week, I also start losing my strength. I don´t know what else to say to my friends son. The little boy who knows i am the only Englishman in town and thinks i should have prior knowledge of Maddie before the Portuguese press. You know maddie, he doesn´t know you, he´s a little older but i can tell he likes you. Everyday when i go for breakfast to my friends café, he asks me again:
"Has the little girl turned up?" But you haven´t. You haven´t turned up, you went away and left everyone worried about you. Those big people, those that wake up early and go to work. Those men and women that pretend to be strong and tell their children that you will turn up. Of course you´ll turn up, you have to. It´s those men and women that work so hard, with so much to do. Always worried about the future, the present and now. You see, there are evil people out there. Your too small to understand that, too young to know the difference.

I´m sorry Maddie but i just don´t know what else to tell that little boy. What to say to him anymore. How can anyone lose someone you love so much. How? And if that little girl was my child. What would I do? Where would I get the strength to carry on? The strength to keep on fighting, searching, praying... What I can do from here is very little, but I promise that I will pray for you tonight and then when the sun rises once again and that little boy asks: "Has the little girl turned up?" I promise I will say no, but that God is watching over you and keeping you safe...

Batman rules and other superheroes suck!!!

2007-06-15T16:59:00.000+01:00

This rant is for everyone. Ladies should pay attention, because you might have some questions about why your boyfriend went to see a movie 3 times in the theaters that was about a guy who flies around in leather tights.

- I'll first tell you why no other superhero hold a candle to Batman:

Spider-man

Let's face it, his alter-ego is a lazy waste of potential and doesn't harp on the good-looking girl that for some reason sees something good in his geeky ass. Plus, Peter Parker is a fucking pussy. He has a little bit of a guilty concience but in all reality, Uncle Ben was old as fuck and didn't die right in front of him like both of Bruce Wayne's real parents did. And on top of all else, his powers were handed to him. It happened by accident. Then all of a sudden after he gets bit by a spider and he automatically knows how to throw a punch??? Fuck that.

Superman

Plain and simple: He's too fucking perfect. What the fuck can you do to Super-man without some Kryptonite? No Kryptonie = assed out. And he's an alien. So the All-American hero is a fucking alien??? They have plenty of aliens in America already. Just go down to Port Richmond and you could pick one up on the corner and pay him 100 bucks for the day (plus lunch) to put on a cape and fight crime. Who the fuck is this pod to come down here and steal Batman's thunder??? And give me a fucking break with this Clark Kent thing. So when I get kicked out of a bar, I'm going to put on glasses and the bouncer will never recognize me. Please.

X-Men

Too many of them to even muster up a fair fight. They've all got these ridiculous powers and it seems like in all the movies the bad guys with the better powers join their side. Cool special effects, but the whole "whoa is me, I'm a mutant" gets a little old. I'd trade my girlfriend and little sister to shoot fire out of my fingers.

The Hulk

The movie sucked so bad that I wanted to punch the old lady sitting next to me in the twat. "You're not gonna like me when I'm angry". Ok, you turned into an uncontrollable green thing. Are you a fucking bad guy now???

Now I'm going to tell you why Batman fucking rules everything. And why men obsess over him like 17-year-old bimbos obsess over Paris Hilton.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja. Nuff said.

- He has gadgets, and they're cool. He's a handy-man superhero. A man's man.

- He drives the Batmobile, which anyone who's into cars knows it's a tank in the form of a sports car. So you can race juiceheads for pink slips then demolish it in front of their face the moment you take it from them.

- He has a side-kick who's his bitch. Which is basically like havin a little brother who looks up to you and you pick on. Men relate to that shit.

- The ladies love him when he's Bruce Wayne, and they love him even more when he's Batman. The envy of all men.

- The police call Batman. Now that's something you would see on a Chuck Norris T-shirt.

- He's a fucking ninja. A fucking ninja.

See where I'm getting at???

Which is why Batman Forever and Batman and Robin should be erased from existence. Director Joel Schumacher must have walked into the studio and pitched this:

"I want to make Batman as gay as it could possibly be!!! I want neon lights and colours!!! I want cheesy one-liners that will make people cringe!!! I want to put nipples on the bat-suit!!! I want close-up of George Clooney's ass in the tights!!! I want to take the greatest Super-hero in history and shit in his mouth!!!"

Studio Suit: You're hired! Let me give you a 150 squillion dollar budget to destroy the Batman franchise!!!

Batman is the Dark Knight. He's the anti-hero. He rules everything.

I've never read a comic in my life. So I might not know what I'm talking about.

My newest invention

2007-06-15T16:54:00.000+01:00

A child. But not just any child, oh no my children, I fear that you do not comprehend my exceedingly superincumbent intellect because you have small brains, and do not function the same way I do.

See, as I write this admirable, tasteful, amazing piece of work, I am simultaneously drawing blueprints and injecting foreign serums (like scopolamine and thiopental sodium, but the thiopental sodium is just a sugar substitute, so it's not doing much at all, except giving rare forms of cancer to my 'patients') into several of my clientele. All of my clients have signed a contract and have approved this, or what is being called, but not exigently is, "an abhorrent, revolting and completely tasteless experiment performed by Dr. Feral Pariah. He is a sick and unethical human being and he is NOT here to better the world."

But I say NAY to this corrupt, childish criticism, for I am here to not only better the world, but to make people perceive contrastingly, to think outside of the box. These critics are nothing but nuisances condoning senseless behavior. Anywho, what I was getting at, what I was getting at, well, I was getting at inventing children with my ultramodern and untouched piece of medicinal genius. This piece of genius is:

Glass babies

In my studies, I have found that I have lived with various women for most of my adult life, and I have found them to be, well, to put it lightly, a bitch. Oh dear. Anyway, these bitches oftentimes complain to me about the pains of childbirth, and how women are stronger than men - and I am here to do nothing but invalidate and absolutely obliterate the superiority women think they have, and to do this, I must inject women with my new serum, which I entitled BMFG.

Babies
Made
of
Fucking
Glass.

Now, this serum is simply injected into the subject, thus creating a liquid fetus which grows inside of the body whenever chocolate is consumed. The sugar in the chocolate coats the glass, which causes an extensive, almost allergic reaction to the glass. The sugar saturates the glass, the chemicals combusting and maturing. Soon, the glass will grow large in the stomach of the woman comparable to that of a live, human fetus. Shortly thereafter, the woman will have to give birth a live, glass baby.

I'm sure most women will find this invention deplorable, which is why I am inventing this for men. Women have their anti-rape devices, and their home-shopping network and their god damned magazines, but I'll tell you, my good sirs, that they will NOT have their dignity after they give birth to a glass baby. Since the glass is saturated with the chocolate, it will become easier to dispute the integrity of the glass, causing it to shatter whenever the muscles of the vagina contract. This will lead to massive shards left in their vaginas, which they will have to treat by themselves, because no doctor treats those kinds of incidents.

One last thing - women, don't try to turn it around on men. Since the serum is explicitly used on women, using it on a man is a very bad idea. See, the estrogen in the women’s blood helps contain the liquid glass, and forming the fetus, but when the serum is mixed into a mans blood, the testosterone reacts differently. The testosterone fused with the serum forms a powerful toxin, which can be spat out of the mans mouth. Once the toxin comes into contact with skin, it burns the skin to a crisp, much like you would think. The effect of the toxin wears off in about ten minutes, which is just enough time to eradicate her face.

So there you have it, a stunning and complete analysis of my newest invention, the glass baby. Men, I hope you will put it to good use.

Citizenship of Stupid People

2007-06-15T16:47:00.000+01:00

Hopefully, one of these days...we as a species will learn from our mistakes. For the most part...we seem to have gotten down wiping our asses and not looking directly into the Sun...definitely a step forward from our ancestors, but we need to start doing something about those that fall through the cracks, which mainly consist of Darwin Award Honorable Mentions...y'know, the ones that somehow escape with their lives after they do something astronomically stupid? The only thing wrong with those people is that they live on to possibly spread the idiocy of drinking paint thinner onto the next generation. Given that somehow the majority of civilized people are against outright "neutralization" of those with limited brain capacity and/or function, be it by birth or choice, we need to come up with something fast, because the scourge of stupidity is ever vigilant in bombarding us with countless amounts of "Pull my finger!" and other equally sub-human antics. I'm not here to offer solutions, just ideas. One of which involves passing a law requiring a certain level of intellect to retain citizenship. I mean it; the most dangerous thing on earth is a stupid person with Western European-level freedoms. I know a lot of people have different standards when it comes to stupidity, but we're gonna have to pull it together on this one.

It would basically involve watching your surroundings, and if you happen to observe someone eating paint chips or sniffing markers, report them to authorities, and a Population Control "special" bus, (commonly referred to as the "short bus"), will pick them up, and take them to a testing facility, where they will be given a series of tests to determine their value on many different levels of benefiting future generations. This will be their ONLY chance at redemption. After the volley of tests, if they are deemed fit, they will be returned to the spot where they where picked up, to continue where they left off, be it eating boogers or talking to themselves, because these are often habits of "eccentric" people as well, and most eccentrics are indeed quite intelligent. But fail the tests, and you're citizenship will be revoked, and you'll be shipped off to an island more fitting of the quarter-brained inhabitants of our species.

The island will not be one of cruelty, but rather blissful ignorance, with giant screens playing constant loops of Kevin Costner movies and books on tape. Soon, the island will resonate with the horrific sounds of "Hyuk Hyuk Hyuk!" and "Pee plus Electric Fence equals....uuhhhhh......uummmm...Fun!" After that, we should start seeing an improvement...hopefully.

Where are you Maddie?

2007-06-14T15:44:00.000+01:00

What to wear when the wife asks you to help with the household chores!!

2007-05-18T15:43:00.000+01:00

Lol... Cheers Ben

Careless drivers rant

2007-05-18T11:54:00.000+01:00

Long, long ago in a land far, far away, a young boy wearing only a red baseball cap came up with the genius idea of cars. He drew up conceptual pictures, slept with corporate executive men to persuade them into investing in his dream and murdered his entire family so he could turn his own house into the first ever, automobile factory. Who was this young man of brilliance?
His name was Henry fuckin' Ford, that’s who! Regardless of what you may have learned in school, or via the History channel, when Ford first devised the car, he not only did it to have a private area to masturbate and snort coke off his dogs back, but he wanted a thrifty way for the townspeople to travel from point A to point B, plain and simple. For years, people used the vehicle to drive around town, taking care of their day-to-day errands. The only extra curricular activity that took place in the car besides driving would be the occasional session of awkward intercourse at the local superstore carpark. Its a shame that the times have indeed changed. Now autos are used for just about everything, except driving...which has pretty much taken a back seat. In case you were wondering, this is the part where you laugh at my poorly placed pun, thanks.

Your car is not a bathroom. I don't know how late for work you people are that you insist on doing your morning grooming duties in your front seat while you are barreling down the road, rather than in the comfort of your tiled lavatory, but it needs to stop. This morning on my way to occupation land, I was behind a car going 20 kilometers under the speed limit on the motorway. Of course, I was intrigued at to what monstrosity must be causing this individual to refrain from corresponding with the regulatory momentum recommendation, so I pulled up along side to take a gander into the driver side window. What did I see? A lady with her visor down, mirror open, plucking her God damned eyebrows. What the shit is that about? She’s not only making me late, but she’s gambling with the chance of fatally colliding with a school bus full of mentally defective children.

Your car is not a library. How can you possibly see a benefit in reading the newspaper during your motored migration? I have enough trouble remembering what I just read when I'm skimming a book in the safety of my den, so I don't see how you can retain information from a periodical when you are looking back at the road every other second to make sure you haven't gone off course and into the depths of a nearby forest. Can't you just wait until your lunch break this afternoon to find out how expensive gasoline prices are or how rich the fucking president is? Better yet, why don’t you flip your radio to the AM side and lend an ear to the vocalized news station. That way you can keep your eyes on your surroundings and your hands on your fur covered steering wheel. If my recommendation still doesn't sway you from poor judgment, then try reading "Suicide for Dummies" while engaged in expedition. I believe we are all here to serve some sort of purpose, and your point of being a fucking idiot has already been achieved, So go right ahead and do a quadruple barrel roll over the Tagus river and head on into the nearest fucking cruise liner. I'll be sure to read about you in the newspaper obituary section on my drive to work tomorrow.

I will probably be scorned for this, but your car is not a phone booth. Ok, I know it’s next to impossible these days to drive a mile without making a call. Shit, whenever I look at my car I unsheathe my phone purely out of habit. What upsets me are the people who flap their jaws and "throw out" the obvious notion that they are simultaneously piloting a 3500 lb powerhouse. Sure, its all well and good to let your mind wander while you are talking to Tracy about last nights episode of "Dr. House", but you should try to be sympathetic of the feeling of shear horror that the person in front of you at the stop light is experiencing as they watch your Toyota Camry rapidly approach their rearview mirror like a fucking Tsunami. If you can't do two things at once, than stick to the phone and ditch the car. There is no excuse for aborting sensibility just because your “mogly” sounds off. If you can't help it, then you are obviously "special" and belong in a white room, wearing Velcro shoes, watching cartoons and eating a bowl of fresh cut grass. Grow up and drive like an adult or invest in a nerdy Bluetooth headset, because the next time I see you swerving across lanes, coming close to collision or slugging along just because you are in mid cellular conversation, I'm going to pay a Cingular employee, of larger stock, to rape you and give the rest of your family golden showers. Hopefully, your sore genitals and the stench of urine emanating for your loved ones will remind you to drive responsibly, you fucking asshole.

Soap Opera rant

2007-05-16T16:25:00.000+01:00

Most of Portugal, and probably the rest of the world will disagree with me here, but what are the point or purpose to soaps? The same things just happen over and over again. Woman A sleeps which Man B whilst secretly having a lesbian affair with Woman B who just happens to be Man A's wife and Man B's long lost brother who returned from the dead for the Christmas special. What do people find so interesting about the childishly over-exaggerated storylines by writers who most probably only scraped through Portuguese Literature and social studies at high school? And why oh why do they show so many of them here in Portugal? It´s bed enough we have 15 soaps to each channel, including cable then we have to watch the Brazillian ones as well!!!!

Don't the characters with their stupid names and over-the-top personalities ever get annoying? Don't people ever wonder why they don't leave the street or village they are in, particularly given the ridiculous amount of trauma they suffer every single week? How about the over-used stage pieces (think or a pub or cafe) - go on holiday or something for fucks sake - the world does not revolve around the one street you live in! Why has everybody slept with everyone else? Why does not one single marriage go smoothly? I mean, when was the last time you went to a wedding where the bride admits at the alter that she slept with the groom's father just 2 days earlier?

Please remove this shite from my TV and put something better on...

like re-runs of the A-team.

Advice rant.

2007-05-09T12:59:00.000+01:00

This column in some weird twisted way is my advice to the world. You didn't ask for it, and I don't expect you to follow it, so bite me. But why the hell do people ask for advice when they dont want it? Ok, before I make it seem like I am sexist once again, let me explain why I am going to target girls on this. Plain and simple, 95% of the time this happens, it is done by a woman. Men are taught by society to never, ever ask for things, especially advice. Women like to make jokes about it, like men never asking for directions (OH MY GOOD GOD THATS HEEEELARIOUS!!!!!), but it is their social influence that makes a man percieved weak and therefore a sissy if he isn't in total control at all times. So when a man asks for advice, he really wants it and probably selected you for more than the fact you are the only one in the room. Women dont have to live up to this standard, and therefore what I said about guys don't apply.
Enough of that shit, back to a rant. When a woman asks me for advice, most of the time she already knows the answer she is looking for, and completely disregards what I say.
How the fuck am I supposed to take this?
Why did she ask me if she knew the answer?
Is this another case of women not being able to be decisive and thus making everyone around her feel like a jackass?
Or better yet, this is just a selfish way to test me so she can play her manipulitive little games and pick a fight like women love to do.
There are other hypothetical reasons women do this, but the point is, it is all bullshit. If you ask for my opinion, and you arent a total stranger, I will try to be as supportive as possible.
But you play games with me, you are cut off.
The next time you ask what I think you should do I'll say "kill yourself".
Aww, you poor thing, your selfish little psychotic mind can't understand what you did to make me say that.
Well bite me, as friend I don't owe you anything, I give because I care and if you wanna exploit me, then you can ask your stupid questions somewhere else.

It is bad enough when a girlfriend plays mind games, but when a friend does it then it's time for an ass kicking.

Thats my advice, take it or leave it!

Boss rant

2007-05-04T11:08:00.000+01:00

I fucking hate my fucking job and my fucking boss. Please excuse my fucking language. I've always been an optimistic, positive person and I think it's turned me into a bitter whiner. I hate it so much that I've started whacking squirrels off trees with sign posts!!! I'm interviewing to leave, and even though I have potential offers, it will not be soon enough. Every second I spend in that shit hole makes me want to punch innocent old ladies on the street. I just hate hate HATE it. My boss is useless. I mean ABSOLUTELY USELESS! She´s rarely here all day, and when
ahe is, she just causes complete chaos and then take two hour lunches. Unfortunately, we make so much money for our company that no one touches them!!!!
(Yeah right!!! She can't even afford to pay our wages which are already overdue!!!)
There's no system of evaluation. I've been there one year and never one evaluation. I'm constantly told how wonderful I am and how they couldn't survive without me, etc. etc., but there's only so many times I can hear about my greatness and not say outloud, "Well if you fucking people knew how to do a single thing around here, you wouldn't be so reliant on me!" Shitbags!!! She constantly lies and forces me to unwillingly lie to companies I have to deal with. Her company is not only surviving on a knifes edge but it´s also running illegally!!!
Anyway, I hate my fucking job. I can't wait to leave. I need to replace the hate with happiness. I might buy a squirrel!!!

Employee rant

2007-04-27T10:44:00.000+01:00

Right, so every so often I have to go to a certain British company to sort out some personal stuff. Nothing I can mention here... It's personal remember!!!! Anyway, what drives me nuts are how some companies manage to find some of their employees...

British company in Portugal...

Hey!!!!!
Girl with the bright blonde weave who works in reception-
I don’t know how you got your job, you are so uneducated it makes me sick.
Did you manage to get through Kindergarden?
I think I would respect you more if the answer to that was no.
Where the hell did you learn your English? And how did such a company as large as this one manage to convince itself that you were perfect for the job??
I want to throw a rock at your face every time I walk by when you are answering the phone and you say something like
“who yous callin’ for?” or
“he in a meetin’ right now” or my personal favourite,
“who this is?” I bet the people on the other end of the phone want to throw a rock at your face too.
I also can’t stand when I get message notes from you that are written like so:
Mr. Smith called hes wanting to kno wen he shuld ecspect the letter of aprovle.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It amazes me that the only two things in your job description are answering phones and taking phone messages and you can’t do either of those things!

How is this justice

2007-04-19T16:05:00.000+01:00

Still emailing me????????

2007-04-10T17:50:00.000+01:00

To all of you illegal immigrants still emailing me and giving me shit about my nationalistic views in this blog...

Thanks for the emails and the sacrifice, now Fuck off!!

Wedding rant

2007-03-10T12:00:00.000Z

Why do women insist on buying the wedding dress?
They wear it once. It costs on average over 2000 Euros (plus shoes and vail).
Why not rent it? Once a person is finished with said dress, it gets put into a box and never looked at again anyway!!!!
Men are the smart ones. Even though we KNOW we will use a tux again, we still rent it. Why? It's simple, we know the next time we do use the stupid thing, we will probably be a different size.
I mean, hell. Even if God forbid a person was to get divorced. That wedding dress would still never be worn again. The girl would simply buy another one. Saying "that one is bad luck," or "It would be tacky to wear the same wedding dress twice."
I mean geez, for all the money that is spent on that one outfit that is worn ONE DAY I could easily buy all sorts of cool shit that I could use EVERYDAY.
Women are so illogical it drives me nuts sometimes!!! And not only that, she now wants a church wedding as well next year so we will have to go through all the nightmare of preperation and more money for the bloody thing. And did she take my suggestion of wearing the same dress again for the church wedding in good spirit???? NAh!!! Just a kick in the chins and a handful of my groin convinced me to start saving now for the bloody thing!! The dress isn´t the only thing that annoys me. Firstly I planned the whole money spending budget like a military campaign, every corner was covered and every cent placed logically to where it was to go... Then she came, looked at the list and said:
"You forgot the miniature bride and groom for the cake!"
"The what?" I said looking at her in amazement.
"The miniature bride and groom" She smiles.
´Ok,´ I thought. ´I can afford another ten euros for two miniature crappy dolls.´
Nope!!! 78 Euros they wanted. 78!!!!!!!!! That´s like 100 quid in real money for a tiny Ken and Barbie look-a-like shitty fucky dolls.
I wanted the plasticine do it yourself pack, but oh no!!! We had to have the 78 Euro bloody things!!!!!!!!!!

Women make my head hurt.

Something funny...

2007-03-09T12:43:00.000Z

So yeah, i´ve been away for a while and you all missed me right... RIGHT!!!!!?????
Here is something to lighten the mood...

Great To Be A Guy:

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You can be president.

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

Foreplay is optional.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

The world is your urinal.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.

Same work... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress 2000 Euros; Tux rental 100 Euros. 'Nuff said...

If you retain water, it's in a canteen.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.

Princess Di's death was just another obituary.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or irreparably mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So, notice anything different?"

Historical monuments rant

2007-03-09T12:39:00.000Z

Well my Birthdays come and gone again and yes 35 has come and gone also, but that is not why I am ranting today. My rant is about the over all disgusting condition of most of our historical monuments. Excepting the obvious ones .. The tourist attractors and the Colonial War memorial, and ones that were built in the last 50 years or so, but all the other ones.
Nearly all of the secondary and ancillary monuments, sculptures and fountains are disgusting, the maintenance and repair more resembled the Barreiro at four a.m. (Barreiro being the shit hole town that it is!!!!!) than a tribute to the persons or ideal they were commissioned to honour.
Hell, the WW1 Memorial is listed on the most endangered spaces list.!!
I know we have so few living veterans from WW1, and they are not part of the “Greatest generation” and probably no longer vote, so the government has no interest in showing any gratitude to those who have answered the call. And lord knows we have no more citizens of any of the 19th century wars, or important historical events…
But just how the fuck are we supposed to put forth a picture of beauty, history, honour and portray a genuine concern for those events and gratitude to the past or encourage the people of future generations who are smart enough to know their history!!!! The Government has an out of sight out of mind mentality, which has just got to stop!!!!!!!!!

How to tell if your an inconsiderate bastard

2007-01-26T09:19:00.000Z

I sure am glad that everyone is rude and oblivious nowadays. It makes my life so much easier knowing that the people around me around are incompetent cock-knockers who could give a shit about anyone around them. I am constantly reminded of this every time I take a drive anywhere, as citizens (usually of the female persuasion) constantly try to run me off the road or cut me off in the middle of the motorway. I'm not sure why people are so careless, but if it doesn't stop, I will surely have to judo chop some faces. Just today as I was driving back to work from horsemilking class, upon entering the motorway I notice that everyone is stopped. Traffic is backed up for miles all because some jerkoff decided to crash their car into the barrier. Thanks for holding up hundreds of people just because you can't commandeer a vehicle, you selfish moron. The Department of Transportation should just launch a huge satellite into space that blows up stranded/wrecked cars with a huge laser, just so awesome people like me don't have to wait for their worthless asses. As if that wasn't enough, my air conditioning temporarily decided to stop working as I was stuck in the traffic. I've never been so close to having a brain aneurysm in my life.

There you have it folks. You have all passed the test, congratulations on being a supreme dickhead. Do all of us a favour and go get a vasectomy. Or if you're a female one of those vagina removal surgeries. Maybe then I won't have to deal with your obnoxious offspring.

Eyebrows

2007-01-26T09:13:00.000Z

Andy Rooney has the world's largest eyebrows. I am completely serious. These things would put a blue whale's penis to shame. I was watching an interview with him on TV and I nearly spilled my coffee all over myself when they zoomed in on his face.

You could knit a friggin' quilt with them. I sat there utterly terrified that these monstrosities were so enormous that they would transcend space and time and somehow come through the television set to suffocate me. They actually had to end the interview early because his eyebrows kept knocking the camera over.

I seriously need a moustache

2007-01-26T09:00:00.000Z

For the 35 years I've been on this earth, I have never come across a realization as awesome and epic as this one. I need to grow a moustache. The raw sexual energy that is exuded by the simple act of having a hairy upper lip is so powerful that it can turn straight men gay and gay men even gayer. Why moustaches have gone out of style within the past few years is beyond me, as sporting a sleek 'stache is a one-way ticket to femalepantsville.

Take Tom Selleck for example. He is undoubtedly the only man in history that every woman in existence has either engaged in sexual intercourse with or has at least fantasized about it at one time or another. Don't deny it, I know you have. If you could harness the power of the sun, then convert it to sexual energy and add a moustache, you would have Tom Selleck. This guy could get laid in a lesbian factory without even trying.

Alright, enough about Tom. Can you seriously imagine me with a thick bushy long moustache though? I'm pretty much hotter than everything as it is, but this would definitely push me over the top. Women would flock from miles around just to get the chance to comb it or perhaps put gel in it.

Not only would have a long mustache be incredibly hot, but it would be practical as well. Say I spilled my coffee all over my desk and I didn't have a towel to clean it up. I could just use my mustache instead, as they are unusually abosorbant. Or what if some douchebag coworker comes over to pester you. You can just pretend your mustache is a cell phone and hold it up to your ear, then when they come over just say "hold on, I'm talking on my mustache" and they'll totally understand and leave you alone. The possibilities are pretty much endless. I heard of a guy in Montana who used his to pilot a commercial airliner after his arms were somehow severed off by the in-flight lawnmower. The flight attendants said the pilot used his moustache to gain control of the aircraft and they mentioned how amazingly sexy he was with a look of determination on his face and his mustache whipping playfully in the wind. I heard he was promoted to astronaut or something.

No woman in her right mind can resist a man sporting a bold, reverse Handlebar with end twists. I've even seen chicks go for guys who are only rockin' an unkempt Walrus. My mind is blown.

So in conclusion I will hereby be growing the largest, most awesome moustache known to man. The next time you see me, I'll be swatting chicks off of me with my moustache as I am voted sexiest man alive by all magazines ever, then my hot wife will grasp my sturdy 'tache and I will fly over a rainbow and we'll go on some pretty whacky adventures together. Actually thats a dream I had a couple nights ago, but it could definitely happen.

Questions that just need answering!!!!!!!!

2007-01-19T10:56:00.000Z

What's the difference between a novel and a book?
How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
If humans evolved from monkey's/apes, why are they still here?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? if they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
Do penguins have knees?
Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
In libraries, do they put the bible in the fiction or non-fiction section?
Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
If the Police breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
If you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Do they call a fortune teller who cant see a "blind seer"?
Can you cry underwater?
You know the signs on restaurant doors? No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? what if someone goes in with No trousers? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
If an African elephant goes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
How is chess considered a sport?
Why is it when your sleeping it`s called drool but when your awake its called spit?
If a hermaphrodite got sent to a certain gender prison, which one would it get sent to?
If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
If you get chemo-therapy do you lose your pubic hairs?
Would you die if you didn't pee?
How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up?
Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
When Jewish People go to Court, they can't swear on the bible, can they?
If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
If ketchup is good on chips, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
How does Freddy Kruger wipe his butt?
Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
Can you slam a revolving door?
How young can you be, but still die of old age?
What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
Can you read a picture book?
Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
Why does it say do not use before work with heavy machinery on the back of childrens tylenol? I mean..really could we save that many people by getting those darn five year-olds with headcolds off those forklifts!
If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
What shape is the sky?
Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
If you only have one eye...are you blinking or winking?
If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China's not a republic?

No Sex Tonight????????

2007-01-16T20:16:00.000Z

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much.
And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.
I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.
Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't feel like it,I just want you to hold me."
I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.
We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.
She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went onto the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.
Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey."
She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,
"Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Lol!!! Sent in by Ben.

Run that by me again???

2007-01-05T12:45:00.000Z

Anyone out there have an inside track on who manufactures those intercoms all the fast-food places use?
Are they made in a country that speaks a language that even closely resembles English?
For that matter, are they even manufactured on this planet?

What other type of communications device could possibly provide you with moments like this:

You pull in to the local McBurger/McChicken/McTaco/McFingero´fudge/McFish/McPortugalia/McRoadkill Drivethrough.
They give you about 5 Mc-seconds to try to make sense of the Mc-menu - which appears to have been laid out by someone with a serious Mc-drug problem.
Then the intercom bursts forth with something like:
"Fweeglep snaglitz forthub fizzzdoink gleeetnog floydoink nip-nop?"
Not trying to figure out exactly which unknown dialect this is, you reply with your order: "Yeah….. I'll have a double-cheeseburger, an order of fries, and a medium coke….." The speaker responds:
"fjfhjffzziiiiitttt gnagletwizft vweep snogglitz?"
At this stage, you don't know whether to ask them to repeat, or just say "yeah…" and see what you end up with. You decide to take the "safe" route. And ask them to repeat.
"Bzt ffhghhfjsiittt blongwog ftuupppfttt bizzzttt florgnop?"
This time at a decibel rating that would awaken Attila the Hun. Somehow, the concept of the louder it is, the easier it is to understand does not quite work. You repeat your order, speaking slowly, and clearly enough for your cat to understand:
"I said… I …want…. a… double… cheeseburger….. an ….order …..of ….fries….. and ….a …..medium… coke…"
After a moment of silence (presumably for the order taker to get over the shock of hearing clear, understandable human speech), the speaker responds with
"OK, thaatttt wassss aa gurbergublitz forthnotwilp unappput florkweet nobbbitiy-bloop."
By the time you get to the window, you're ready to take whatever comes through it. You wanted a cheeseburger and fries - you end up with six buckets of enough chicken nuggets to feed the entire town of Cascais, six fillets of fish and a small orange juice.

and they call this convenience??

Long live the Pope!!!

2006-12-28T09:05:00.000Z

Having returned from my kidnapping experience, I thought it would be a good time to try a comeback. However, with my only fans Bob and Gruber in prison (for kidnapping...), I'm wondering whether there's much point.Whether he's the leader of your religion or not, the Pope has a cool hat and therefore his death is a sad time for all.
To celebrate his memory you will need:
1 x Dead yukka plant1 x Spade/trowel1 x Balaclava/hat & a set of dark clothing (each)1 x Carton of miracle growLots of water and a whole bunch of prayer.
First, adorn yourselves in the anonymous uniforms of the night, making sure that any signs of identity (i.e: 47 badges) are well hidden.
Then, wait until it's dark (apparently balaclava wearing in the middle of the day attracts unwanted attention, especially, for some strange reason, if you have an appointment with your bank manager...) and take all your equipment to an open area of grass, which will be in obvious view of a lot of people during the day. It must be a public area (not someone's garden, you hooligans!) but not one which has flower displays etc.
Now, dig a small hole in the ground with your choice of digging equipment, plant the dead yukka plant in it, and then tidy the surrounding area so as not to arouse suspicion.
If you wish, you may also put a small plaque by the tree, inscribed with the words:"The Pope Tree (In memory of the Pope) -planted by order of Plants In Distress"
Now run away and dispose of all the evidence.
Over the next few days/weeks you will need to keep your Pope Tree watered and fed. And, after a certain amount of time one of three things will happen:
1. The plant will remain dead.2. The plant will miraculously revive itself and blossom into life, bringing forth the joyous word of God, and the promise of a really good year for TV.3. The plant will be removed by the council and taken to the Yukka Tree Sanctuary (the tip).
Pray for the second option and hope for the best.

Plain Lunacy part 3

2006-12-28T08:59:00.000Z

To understand, or not to understand... That is the question. yabba, yabba, yabba.......
Anyway to get a jist of what I´m talking about here you´ve got to start reading from the post:
"Just Plain Lunacy" (About two posts down) and then work your way upwards... I know, I´m mad!!!!!

3. Invent a crazy dance routine, pick a suitable song to accompany it. (Alien Ant Farm’s version of ‘Smooth Criminal’, for instance.)
Now whenever that particular song comes on, you and your friends must dance to it, no matter where you are, what the occasion, and regardless of whether you are drunk or not. This will get you instant recognition and respect wherever you go. Be mindful of your chosen routine though – a dance that consists of frantic wiping of limbs accompanied by the words
“NOT GAY! NOT GAY!” will not go down very well in the local gay bar…

4. The use of inflatable individuals is quite common amongst those partaking in a stag/hen night or similar. But they can be used for insane purposes also. The main thing to remember is that your blow-up friend is more effective if there is no particular reason for him/her to be there. An inflatable Spiderman with a wig, short skirt and fishnet tights, or a Gothed-up sex doll, for example, will cause a lot of interest for some reason - especially if you treat them as if they are ‘just one of the guys’.
Buy them drinks, chat with them, take them for a good mosh to Rammstein on the dance-floor and generally make them feel loved.
Remember: plastic people have feelings too.
If anyone asks “What’s the occasion?” or wonders why you have brought a blow-up doll with you, your response should be:
“Why shouldn’t he come out with us – he’s our friend!”(Note: Take good care of your artificial companion! Jealous people with cigarettes can be a hazard. And be courteous – it is always polite to inform your friend about your wish to deflate him before you do so.)
5. Try to make a visit to your local pub more interesting by swapping personalities with one of your friends for the night. People you know will take a while to work out what is going on – watch their confused expressions and laugh at them as if they were idiots.
6. After a night out, it is customary for ordinary members of the public to become loud and obtrusive. And as a rule, people on an insanity trip will often get made fun of for being, well … insane. Respond appropriately: If you are sober enough to think of something crazy to say that will make them think twice about messing with your ‘homies’, then say it! It’s your right to be a nut-case!If, however, you are too inebriated to walk or see, the blowing of a raspberry in their general direction will suffice. There is no ‘clever’ answer to “Tttthhhhhrrrrrrrruuuuppppppppp!!!!”
7. You may wish perhaps to indulge in your own drunken stupidity at the end of a piss-up. This is OK, only if you accept the fact that people will put your insane acts down to you being wasted. For instance, the thievery of a Macdonalds uniform from a washing line is only made insane if you put it on over your clothes in the middle of town and proceed to scream:
“DO YOU WANT SOME FUCKING CHIPS WITH THAT??” at passers by.
Remember to be creative – for a practice run, try dancing around a traffic cone or lamp-post with your friends, holding hands and singing: “Sometimes I think you’re straight!Sometimes I think you’re gay!Sometimes I think you’re bisexual – I change my mind every day!”
8. Meals at restaurants can be made much more interesting, and more value for money, if you make use of the leftover food. One way of achieving this is to create a scene from your favourite film. If, for instance, you choose the popular Lord of the Rings Trilogy, please note that roast dinners make a good reconstruction of Middle Earth. However the size of such a production will require donations from other peoples’ leftovers. Remember, it is unlikely that you will be able to outdo the special effects of the film itself, but try to be realistic as you can - Peas make amazingly accurate Hobbits, whilst the character of Gandalf the Grey would be much better suited to a gravy covered parsnip. If you have time, you may wish to animate certain aspects of your finished masterpiece. Be mindful of other eaters if you choose to bring any ‘flying’ creatures to life…
9. Cinemas are also a convenient source of fun for the sanity-deficient. All those people watching …watching …WATCHING!! It is usually not permitted for customers to bring their bags, or own food into the screen with them. This being the case, take along one whole loaf of bread in a carrier bag. When the ushers tell you that you are not allowed bags in with you, surprise them by taking out the loaf of bread, handing them the bag and walking passed them into the screen. Next time you go to that same cinema, take with you a carrier bag containing a box of cereal, carton of milk, a couple of breakfast bowls and some spoons. At the end of the film insist on waiting until all the credits have finished before leaving, and then cackle hysterically at the ‘funny bit’ at the end – even if there isn’t one. Some ushers will be patient with you, others may not be. Either way they will all think you are crazy, just like me.

Plain lunacy part 2

2006-12-28T08:56:00.000Z

Cars are a good method of travel during insanity trips – pedestrians will not be able to follow you to carry out any retribution they may feel is necessary.
Remember, though, it does not pay to commit ‘reportable incidents’. Apparently, some people are able to read car license plates!

Here are some suggestions for vehicle fuelled madness:
First take a tip from those boy racers – driving round and round and round the busiest parts of town with all your windows open, and your music blaring as loud as you can get it is really cool. Good listening material consists of, for example: Big Yellow Taxi, The Little Mermaid Soundtrack; The Sci Fi Album (Make special use of the Dr Who Theme, Ghostbusters Theme, and all the Star Trek Themes) and Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller’. With ‘Thriller’ it is important to cackle loudly along with the insane laugh at the end of the song.

Try incorporating the use of the Vulcan ‘Live Long and Prosper’ hand sign, whilst shouting “Spread the Love!!” at people as you drive past them. (Don’t stick your hand too far out of the car though. One-Handed Jim isn’t called that for nothing, you know!)
Buy a One Million Candle power torch (or stronger, if you can find it), and keep it in your car at all times. At night it will be your secret weapon (although you will need passengers for this – never shine and drive at the same time):
Shine your torch out of the sunroof. Whilst in motion your vehicle will appear to be being followed by a mystical beam of light from the night sky! Add to the effect by occasionally looking upwards with a horrified expression on your face.

As you pass pedestrians, shine the torch directly at them, but only briefly. Watch as they look at themselves in amazement as they glow! Prolonged shining will cause them to spot where the beam is originating from – watch their expression as they realise they are not being abducted by aliens, or being selected by God for some higher purpose, after-all!
(Please note: miss-aimed torch shining will merely blind your victims, and is not as much fun. If this happens, remedy the situation by shouting “I’m Randomising you!!” at them as you pass.)
Directing the torch at house windows, to cause the residents to look outside to see what the hell is going on is considered cruel. Those people might have been asleep! And what if they’re elderly? Do you want them to have a heart attack and die? Shame on you!! (The elderly should be excluded from all insanity trips for just this reason!)
For safety reasons, I do not condone the aiming of torches at other car drivers.

Just plain Lunacy

2006-12-28T08:55:00.000Z

Have you ever thought to yourself
"God, I'm so boring! I wish I was a bit more of a demented maniac, or something – just to spice things up a bit, yeah!”
…I haven’t.
People who know me and my friends have been known to describe us as ‘a little eccentric’, ‘a bit mad’, ‘a few sandwiches short of a picnic’. But recently I have had a revelation about this: Those people were simply being polite. In fact, they were all lying! We are not eccentric or lacking in sandwiches – we are just completely insane! Why did no-one tell us this before? Were they scared? Maybe they were...
Using examples strictly based on my own experiences since I was about 23, when I met my fellow loonies, I have compiled instructions in how one may become as familiar with the Craziness as we are.I will add to my list whenever I think no-one is watching…
Crazy Things to do if you’re Bored and/or Crazy.
Find a number you like (preferably 47) and become obsessed with it. Don’t worry; I’ve listed some interesting examples of ‘obsessive behaviour’ to start you off: Buy all the t-shirts and items of clothing you can with that number on it, or, if that fails, go to a t-shirt printers and get some made. If you prefer, there is always the option of buying an age badge of your number from any good card/gift shop. If they have sold out of your number, make your badge out of paper plates and cocktail sticks. Every time you spot your number (whether on your own or in public) point to it and scream
“Oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!” as loud as you can.
When you go out nightclubbing, steal a girl friend’s eyeliner pencil and draw that number on your forehead. (Don’t use your own pencil, if you have one – such extensive use will shorten the life of you eye-liner for sure.) People may stare at you – don’t be alarmed if this happens. They are simply amazed by how cool you look. Get the DJs of any pubs you visit (don’t bother with club DJs – they won’t take you seriously) to announce your preferred number over the PA system as often as you can. Don’t be disheartened if continuous harassment of the DJ gets you thrown out of your local – remember the power of your number, and have faith that the pub landlord will come round eventually.
Make an occasion of Halloween. Get a pumpkin, carve out the shape of your sacred number, and take it with you when you go out. Remember, you can’t throw away the carved out pumpkin number! Best keep it in your freezer for all eternity so it’s always there to protect you from evil.
Sometimes a nonsensical word, for instance ‘Toyspens’, can be used in conjunction with your chosen number for added effect. However, be very careful when deciding on your word or you may end up accidentally summoning the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse again.
If someone asks you “Why??” laugh hysterically and then ignore them for a few days.
They’ll soon realise their mistake.

Insomnia

2006-12-27T16:00:00.000Z

Damn it I´m going nuts.
Haven´t slept for three days and I just noticed I´ve been writing crap in my blog.
My brain hurts and still can´t sleep.
Ít has become so bad that the voices have returned...
"You know you want to..."
"Go on hunt them down and feed them to the pigs..."
"Dan, where are you? Can you help me find my husband?"
FUCKING, LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!!!!! (I see dead people! I see them all the time...)
No wonder I can´t hold a serious relationship.... I keep cheating on them with ghosts.
Damn it, damn it, damn it...
I'll catch some kind of spiritual venerial disease, if I´m not careful!
I must sleep.... must sleep... sleep...

Women

2006-12-27T15:20:00.000Z

All women are insane.
God love them they are crazy.
I am absolutely convinced.
Some women though are crazier than others, though.
Just remember that when sense is thrown out the window, you need to decide where your crazy line is and draw it because one day you just might end up in crazy hell.
That said I love them all to death.
But God damn it's too much some times.

Quick thought!

2006-12-27T15:16:00.000Z

About 20,000 Portuguese die every year from car accidents.
Kilometers driven continues to increase every year.
The Portuguese consume over 100 million pounds of spinach every year.
A few bags were found to have a bacteria that causes flu-like symptoms.
Two people die, and everyone freaks out.

"We must never eat spinach again!! Boycott it!! Lettuce, too!! Take it out of every store!! Never eat a salad!!"

Thanks, that makes sense!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saddam

2006-12-27T13:05:00.000Z

So the news is out. Saddam is going to be hanged for war crimes, well heres a pic that just describes it all!!!!!!

Indicators

2006-12-22T16:07:00.000Z

I’m pretty sure indicators come stocked with every car these days but you wouldn’t know it based on the percentage of drivers that actually utilize them, in Portugal. There’s not that much that bothers me when i’m driving (other than those God-forsaken bikers) but this is the one thing that i absolutely have no patience for. Indicators are a blessing, they keep you informed of what the person in front of you is planning on doing in the next 4-6 seconds and they give you the time you need to prepare for a proper counteraction. In most drivers, the physical action of flipping your hand up or down to turn your indicators on is involuntary and instinctual. I feel like these lawbreakers have to actually fight the urge to signal every single time they change lanes or take a turn. Why take this extraneous step? flip the flipper and please your nervous system. Make the person behind you smile and think ‘maybe i won’t kill myself today after all.’

Now i’m not saying that i use my indicators every single time i turn while driving. when it’s 2am and i’m driving on the motorway with no one else on the road, yeah, i change lanes without signaling. But i’ll be damned if i’ll do 95 in the breakdown lane and play a game of mortal checkers without considering putting those warm, friendly beacons on my bumper to use. nay, to good use.

If everyone would just use their indicators like they secretly want to, instead of just flipping the hazard warning lights when there is traffic ahead, i would have much higher opinion of mankind than i do right now.

Just pure evil...

2006-12-22T15:54:00.000Z

1. Women never confess to their sluttiness. If a child rapist never admits to raping seven small children in the back of a truck while forcibly feeding them an excessive amount of Vodka, but there is still a substantial amount of evidence saying he did it, he is still a child rapist.

Nik: So, uh, Kerry, why did you cheat on me?
Kerry: .. How do you know I cheated on you? I didn't cheat on you, nope, not me, I would never ...
Nik: Kerry, I have a video tape of some guy mounting you.
Kerry: ... Um, well, you see ... YOU'RE NOT FULFILLING MY NEEDS, NIK! I NEEDED SOME OF THAT ASIAN PERSUASION.
Nik: Oh God! He was Asian? Did he have a bigger dick than me?
Kerry: YES, AND HE TALKED DIRTY TO ME!
Nik: You never asked me to talk dirty to you!
Kerry: That's because YOU never asked!!!!

2. That brings me to my next point - Women will always try to win you back after commiting what I like to call, "The Acts of the Slut." After they cheat on you, or do other slut activities, they will then go, "BUT I STILL LOVE! PLEASE." Okay, I'll take you back.

Kerry: Nik, I need you back ... I love you more than anything in the world.
Nik: Alright, I'll take you back.
Kerry: Really!? Oh Nik, I knew you loved me!
Nik: Well, I mean, I'll take you back if you let me shit on your chest during sex.

3. To my next point - women hate threesomes. This is odd, since all women love vagina. They came out of the vagina, they have a vagina, women just can't get enough of the pussy - it is a fact that most women are in-closet dykes, trying to suppress their dying hunger for the clit. Women hate threesomes because the other woman challenges her, and when a woman is challenged, she is also threatened, exposed, dead in her tracks.

Nik: So Kerry, you're down for a threesome this weekend with Sandra, right?
Kerry: Sure, as long as you pay more attention to me.
Nik: Then what's the point of a threesome?
Kerry: Can we just have her watch?
Nik: Sure but I´m gonna fuck her anyway...

4. Women fake orgasms. God damnit, if we can’t get it done, tell us, so you won't have to suffer the, what, thirty-three seconds I can go for. Honestly!!!!!

Nik: Okay, almost there ... almost there ...
Kerry: ooooohooHHHHHHHSoshOOOOOOOOOOOhhHHHHoHHHHHHHoH HHHHHHHoOHHHHHHHHAHHHHAH AHAOOOHSOSHSOOOOOOHAAAAAAAHAhaaahaah.... ah ..... ahhhhhh ... ohhhhhhh .. ohhh
Nik: ... you faked that, didn't you?
Kerry: Yeah ... sorry ...
Nik: I am going to punch you in the fucking head...

dreams

2006-12-22T15:52:00.000Z

So my friend calls me the other day and says,
“Hey, I had this super sweet dream where I was an eagle flying through a sea of thorns then I rose up and changed back into myself. Then I was walking down a crowded street when I slipped and fell and nobody helped me up and then I ate a huge hamburger and shit my pants...”
"Really? Wow! That’s amazing!" Except for the fact that I really don’t give a shit. None of that actually happened to you, you’re not that cool. Telling someone about your dreams is like being forced to watch grandpa’s old 1912 vacation slide shows, except worse because your trip never actually occurred. I don’t care that you were falling or drowning or whatever weird shit you were dreaming about. Nobody wants to hear it, save us some time. And no I don’t want to help you psychoanalyze your dream either because that’s also a load of bullshit.
The worst is when a friend is telling you about a dream where you were actually in it, that shit scares me.
“So I had a dream where you and I were in Mongolia fighting hordes of locusts.”
And? So? Actually I wish we were there so I could chop your head off: barbarian style.
I don’t think I could possibly care any less about dreams…
They’re not real…
Shut up, you’re making me sleepy.

Sims

2006-12-22T10:38:00.000Z

If there is one thing I don’t get, it is the SIMS games. Why do people become obsessed with this? I have a sister who has gone into a trance with that stupid game. She has turned into a mindless zombie. All she does is stare at the computer and drool. What is the purpose of this game? I mean what is it, to ruin people’s lives? No of course not, they are simulated people. Your basically a person in a house playing people in a house!!!! Big deal they don’t even talk and that is really annoying. You have to take care of them all the time. If they are simulated shouldn’t they take care of themselves? The people are sick looking anyway. I mean let’s say you are by some chance playing the game, and your person is all of the sudden on fire in the kitchen because they can’t even make their own food. Then the person dies because why? You didn’t put a fire alarm! What a shame, The 3 other people of course, could not put out the fire. Now they cry for about a half in hour and then they won’t even go to work because they are depressed. Poor people, so now since they are as of now useless, you have to waste another 2 days building an entire new family and house because you didn’t put in a fire alarm.
It is also a waste of money. After you spend 40 euros on the actual game, you need to spend another 1000 euros on the hundreds of expansion packs. Big deal so your family can’t have a stupid dog or your guy can’t get a date. So they will be lonely for the rest of their simulated days, THEY ARE NOT REAL!!!!!
You know what you’ll end up being like when you grow up? You will always worry about other people’s business. Yes, that is how that became that way. Or you will become an overprotective parent. “Do you want me to make you some food?” “Let me get you to work because there is no way you can possibly do it yourself”. You will also always be remodeling your house.
Here are the dangers of playing these games:
1. Staring at the computer is bad for your eyes
2. You lose time to spend with your family
3. You waste money
4. You try to live other people’s live for them
5. They crash your computer
6. You will grow up to be either a bum or a loser

That is all the informing you people deserve, but to do my civic duty must try to show you the path to break this mindless obsession in 7 easy steps:

Step 1. Turn the Computer on
Step 2. Go into your programs list and find the files that have anything to do with THE SIMS.
Step 3. TERMINATE IT!
Step 4. Shut the computer off
Step 5. Go into a room where you will not be disturbed
Step 6. Smash your head with a rock
Step 7.Repeat this whenever you have the urge to play this satanic game

So there you go, you have no excuse if you become a moron or lose more brain cells. Come back to REALITY!

Let me explain something to you

2006-12-20T17:21:00.001Z

Hey, I don´t have a pin striped suit, or a bowler hat....
I don't own a market stall or eat jellied eels, or drink in a tea house....
and I don't know Rupert, Samantha or Carlyle from London, although I'm certain they're really really nice people.
I have a Prime Minister, not a president.
I speak English and not British or American.
And I pronounce it Herbs, not erbs, simply because of the fact that it has a fucking H in it!!!
I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, not policing, empires and not colonies and that the badger is a truly proud and noble animal.
we say...
A vacuum cleaner is a hoover, a public anouncement system is a tannoy, pants are trousers and while underwear are pants and it is pronounced 'zed' not 'zee', 'ZED' !!!!
Britain is part of Europe, but in no way are we European!!!!!!!!!
The first nation of cricket and the best part of the continent.
My name is Feral!!
And I am English!!!

Feral Laws!!!

2006-12-15T13:21:00.000Z

The Feral Laws are a set of ordinances put into effect due to the fact that everyone is wrong about everything. You ought to be thanking me for making these laws, as some people out there are so blatantly retarded that it makes me want to shoot a small animal twice at point blank range in the face. If you do not abide by these laws, then you are a worthless detriment to society, and your friends and family will hate you for the rest of your miserable life.

This is a work in progress, and new laws will be added as I see fit.

The Feral Laws:
1. You are not allowed to say "I am almost [insert age here]", until exactly 1 week before your birthday.
2. Under no circumstances shall ANYONE clip their toenails or fingernails inside an enclosure (i.e. car, house, brothel, prison cell). If you are in violation of this particularly important law, then you will die at an early age, go straight to Hell, and be forced to comb Stalin's moustache daily.
3. Thou shalt not pee while having a boner, as you will inevitably spray piss in all different directions, and even though you try to clean it up, you will miss some, and the bathroom will forever reek of urine.
4. It is pronounced "Surrey", not "Suwey". There is no 'W', there never WAS an 'W', and there never WILL be an 'W'. Saying this incorrectly will cause me to repetedly stab you in the eye with an icepick. NOTE: The worst offenders are foreigners.
5. If you feel like singing along to a song that you hear on the radio/CD Player/whatever, you must ask EVERYONE in the surrounding vicinity if it is alright with them. If anyone objects you must shut the hell up immediately or recieve a swift kick in the groin.
6. Toilet paper is to be rolled from the top; NOT from the bottom as some misinformed individuals might lead you to believe. Rolling it from the bottom will cause little children to die somewhere in Africa.
7. Don't be Mormon.
8. When riding up an escalator, do NOT congregate at the top after getting off. I have no idea why people do this, but I will most definitely have to shove your selfish ass out of the way if I'm behind you and perhaps kick you a few times while you're on the ground.
9. If you are incredibly overweight, do not celebrate your obesity by wearing skin-tight and/or revealing clothing. I, along with the rest of the world, do not want to see that shit.
10. Do not ever play 'Devil's Advocate'. It is just a lame excuse to be an asshole and instigate an argument that you care nothing about. People seem to think they're intelligent by disagreeing with you, yet when you get pissed off at them, they always come up with "LOL SORRY I WAS JUST PLAYING DEVILS ADVOCATE!@#", which somehow motivates my foot to fly towards their facial region.
11. Always look up when entering an elevator, as a terrorist or ninja may be hiding on the ceiling waiting to kill or harm you. Not following this law has led to the demise of many actors in movies and also my uncle.
12. If you're a fat female, be nice. I don't see why overweight women are always so rude and uptight. You already have one strike against you by being obese. Don't push me over the edge by being a jackass as well. I may just have to put anti-freeze in your fried chicken.
13. Do not, under any circumstances, violently move your body when you laugh. I don't see why some people shake their shoulders and upper body while leaning forwards and backwards just to chuckle when they find something amusing. That shit pisses me off worse than when people dress up their dogs in sweaters or hats. In fact,
14. Don't dress up your dog. Dressing them up is psycological torture which will eventually lead them to turn on your children.
15. Never, under any circumstances, utter the phrase "Run forrest run". That movie came out over a decade ago and the catchphrase is no longer funny. In fact, it never WAS funny. I was jogging to my car after work yesterday and some asshole passing by yelled it to me thinking he was a witty kind of guy, which forced me to collide both my fists into his cheek bone. Welcome to 2006 you worthless douche.
16. Chocolates in the fridge!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That shit just drives me insane!!

ex-girlfriends and what i have to say about them.

2006-12-13T08:08:00.000Z

Carla - You were my first and you said I was yours(?). It was thrilling probably because it was new. Truth be told, I was in such a rush. I just wanted to do it with somebody. I never would date you today. You are smart, but very needy. I don't know why I still stay in touch with you.

Claire - You were very unattractive, but your sister was cute. And yet I chose to sleep with you. A pattern was starting to develop. Sorry if I caused a problem between the two of you. Hope things turned out OK.

Mrs. Jamerson - I don't even know your first name. But I don't feel badly because I don't think you even knew you slept with me after that New Year's Eve party, you were so drunk. Although you did insist I cum inside you. You know something funny, I ran into you a few years ago. I saw you down Woking with your husband. I started chatting with you but you didn't recognize me. You just thought I was a kind stranger. You're screwed up. There are laws out there you know. I regret the sex even if you don't. Guess I've changed a lot since I was 17.

Georgina - My first slut. How many guys did you do? Don't get me wrong, you were great in bed, but it was a little unnerving every week seeing a different guy coming out of your room. You were smart and sassy - you should have respected yourself more. But thanks for the great BJs.

Susie - You were very unattractive. I slept with you because I thought that's the best I deserved. I see now that I was lacking in self esteem. But still, you smelled wonderful and I think you are a good person. You could lose some weight, but it wouldn't really matter because you would still be ugly. Sorry about pissing in your mouth. I liked it, but I don't think you did.

Kimberley - My female yank ex-friend. You met me one day and came on to me. You asked me over for dinner and we fucked. Can I tell you the truth, it was like a Seinfeld episode - I didn't know your name. Yeah, you told me that afternoon, but I had forgotten. I had to check your time card the next morning at work. The sex was uneventful. I think you just wanted to betray some boyfriend. I didn't really care.

Caroline - You are one weird chick. You are the shyest person I've ever met. Kinda odd seeing that your father is such a well-known bigshot. I don't think you are a bad person, but so socially awkward. You need to read a romance novel or rent a sexy movie or something. You know, it's OK to move while having sex. I got the sense you stayed so still because you didn't want me to notice I was fucking you, for fear that I'd run out of the room. I dunno, maybe I would have. You're academically very smart, now apply those brains to your personal life and stay away from people like me.

Jackie - I could write a book on you, but no one would believe it. You were filled with conflict. You were an anorexic who became fat. You were brilliant, yet flunking out of Uni. You were a lesbian sleeping with a man. Oh, you so hated men and tortured them in much the same way that I began to realize that I hated women. Was that our bond? Anyway, the dialog was incredible - Art History, Mathematics, speaking French all the time. The sex was incredible too. You taught me everything. Unfortunately I later found out that you were teaching the whole world everything. You slept with everything except the Titanic. Great sex, but such a bad person. Ug, the number of times I spontaneously showed up at your room, only to find your diaphragm was already in place. Yeah right:
"I thought you might come over." Can you tell me how many times I ate your pussy after a guy had creamed in it 2 hours earlier?

Lisa - You were so vulnerable. You would do anything to have a man in your life. You needed more self worth. Why would you sleep with me knowing I would betray you the very next day? Why did you let me finger you under the table knowing my ex was sitting across from us. Yeah, I was beginning to realize what a dog I was, but you still allowed me to get away with it. All these years later, I looked you up on the internet and found you live with your mother. Time's ticking. You gotta start standing up for yourself. BTW, the sex was terrible!

Fleur - What God sent you to me? I was a rat-assed, foul smelling dog. And you came along and believed in me. You were such a skilled debater and writer. Sex with you started a little slow, but boy were you a good learner. I should have married you back then. I blew it. All my fault. As you could see from my history, I had a little problem respecting women. The undergrad psych major in you pointed to my mother. I think the scientific term you used was "psycho bitch". I'm so sorry Fleur that you got to see all that family stuff. You were the one. And I let you go. I know you still care about me because you'll always call me on my birthday to wish me well. Last time, I heard you lie to your husband, telling him it was your brother on the phone. Thank you.

Abby - You were Fleurs best friend since you were both 10 years old. Why would you let me seduce you? Yes, I take most of the responsibility, but why would you constantly come over and tell Fleur all the sordid details about how you were cheating on your boyfriend - all the details except the part where you were doing all this cheating with me, Fleurs fiancee. You're as twisted as me. Think about that. In the evenings, after you were gone, Fleur would excitedly retell the story of your naughty adventures that day. But she didn't know the punchline, that the male in the story was her own boyfriend. Shakespeare couldn't have come up with a more ingenious plot twist. BTW, the sex with you was the best ever. The dirty things you would say still make me come today. You are brilliant. Sick, but brilliant.

Sophie - You were a receptionist from Farnborough that I picked up at Asda. I was so angry that day. And just wanted to fuck somebody. You should really consider choosing better sex partners.

Paula - I'm just not ready to say anything here. I'll give this one sentence and then move on. You are a shit and that should never have happened.

Rebecca - You are low-life trailer trash, but with a sparkly edge. If you had been born into privilege, you would have gone to Oxford and become a bigshot Manager. I hope good things happen to you. BTW, I still fantasize about that night we had sex in front of your friends. Wow!

Julie - All summer long you kept making a dumb joke about how the Bible says you must wait until after Marriage. So the day after I proposed I banged you and never called you again. Kinda wasted my entire summer - except that after I dropped you off each night and you'd give me that ridiculous kiss on the cheek while wagging your finger,
"No, no no. Not until after Marriage", I'd go over and fuck Rebecca's brains out. I'll bet you're now married, living on Goldsworth Park and your husband hates you. Never want to see you again.
"No, no, no. Not until after I'm dead!"

Anna????? - For 3 nights in a row, during that week after the summer holidays- after everyone else had ended their holidays and gone back home, I see you hanging around outside that bar in Woking, at closing time, sitting on the fence post. You tried to make it look like you were waiting for your ride, but you fooled nobody. At first I thought you might be a hooker, but then I realized you were too unattractive for anybody to pay. By the third time I saw you there, I recognized the look - I knew you were just a desperate woman wanting to hear something that no one was ever going to be able to tell you. So I offered you a ride, spent about 5 pounds at Tesco´s to buy some beers and fucked you doggie style because I didn't want to see your face. You were in need. I was in need. I never even asked your name, but you looked like an Anna. After I gave you a ride home, I went over Ottershaw park. The road was deserted and dark. I pulled over and just sat there. I didn't want to go back to the house. So I just sat there. I think maybe I wanted to cry - I didn't - I haven't cried since 3rd year when my mother drove away. So no I didn't cry. But I sat there until the sun came up.

Marina - After that crazy summer, I really began to hate myself. So I kept myself in lockdown and spent the next two years taking my work very seriously. No sex at all. Then out of the blue, I met you on a elevator. That must have been fate. Think of how difficult it is to make a connection on a 30 second elevator ride. But somehow it happened. You were a wonderful person. You were beautiful, funny and kind. Your pubic hair was magically soft. I just wasn't ready to start again. Sorry. Wish you well.

Alice - You were an annoying Jap. You were ugly. Your tits sagged. Sex was atrocious! Hey, I know the saying is
"Suck my dick" - but you took it too literally. Don't just put it in your mouth and make a sucking sound. Oh...never mind...go watch a porn movie. Can't believe I waited two years for this? And the 2nd time you came over, you brought your contact lens solution and 2 business suits! What? Who invited you to move in? I should never have fucked Samantha, because it re-opened the flood gates and you washed in.

Sandra - You made me both excited and sad. You were constantly trying to get in with the right crowd. Get it into your head already: You are not attractive, they do not want you in their clique. Your mother obviously drank when she was pregnant because you have that classic scrunched fetal alcohol symptom face. But you kept trying, to the point of desperation. My God! You went to Guildford College, but you'd suck your doorman if he got you into the right club. All that said, you did provide some wicked sex.. That time in Weybridge when we fucked and that total stranger came up to watch. And that time in front of your sister? What the fuck was that? I probably jerk off to your memories more than anyone else. You were one twisted bitch.

Hanna - You were the most boring girl I've ever endured. Who goes shopping for a pen? You want a pen, look between my couch pillows. There are a dozen pens in there. What a painfully dull bitch you are. And the sex was embarrassing. I cum on your face and you pat my back saying,
"There, there. That's OK. Accidents happen."
News flash, I came on your face to degrade you. And you react like a mother soothing a child with a scraped knee. You're boring and you're an idiot!

Linda - I thought you were an exotic beauty from Spain. But you were really just a bitchy English girl hiding in the exotic body of a foreign national. You had the most sexual look, but you had no idea how to use it. It was like a Ferrari was given to a 12 year old without a driver's license. And maybe it was a cultural thing, but do you realize that I can pick out my own shirts? And I know how to choose an item from the menu. You were constantly trying to dictate everything. You suffocated me. I could have tolerated you more if the sex was better, but it wasn't. I'm not surprised you managed to hook some other poor sod to you lifestyle. Go back to Spain and suffocate your own kind.

Angela - I met you at a party, two hours later, you stripped for me. You seemed neurotic to the point of flaky. You called me 2 months later to say you had an ovarian cyst and you wanted to know if I caused it? Yeah, I did - just after I disrupted the Earth's magnetic field. Flake!!!!

Karena - That was gross, you had more facial hair than me. And you were such a whacko. Believing yourself to be an artist. Your art was shit. And your meditation. And the vegetarian thing. You were much older than me. I thought that could be fun. But you got off the bus in the '60s and stayed there. And what's more, the sex was so dull and your apartment smelled like cat piss.

Sophie - You are the poster child of what can go wrong with long term use of prescription drugs. You are destined to forever be medicated. Here are some things you shouldn't do:
Don't turn to the table next to us in a restaurant and ask if the fellow is done with his cake. I don't know who was more horrified when you ate it, me or him. And don't take a leak in a Underground. Even the homeless know how to hold it better than you. I can only imagine that was the drugs fucking up your frontal lobe. But I will say something kind about you. You loved it in the ass,
"Yes, fuck me in the ass! Fuck me deep and make it hurt!" You were at least good for something.

Chrissie - All right, this is a bizarre one. You are smart. You are pretty. You are successful. But never ever should you sleep with a guy and then tell him the next morning that your last boyfriend died of AIDS. That was a dickish thing to do. I never wanted to go near you again.

Wendy - Picked you up on a train. You were dull, but I went along on the ride for a while, mainly because I thought your mother was hot. I was actually hoping for a chance to bang her. She certainly had more personality than you. Hey, some sexual advice. It is not a lollipop. You don't hold it by the stem and lick it. Go ask your mother.

Dorothy - I had a live-in girlfriend at the time, so I couldn't take you to my place. You had roommates who knew my live-in girlfriend, so we couldn't go to your place. So I took the spare key to my girlfriend's father's house because I knew he only used it a few times a month. DAMN! That was so embarrassing - to find his potential son-in-law in HIS bed with a woman who wasn't his daughter. I'm sorry about that. You seemed nice, but after that incident I just had to hide from everyone.

Tessa - You were on the train to Portsmouth because you were afraid to take the plane. You took me to your house, but you were afraid of catching a disease, so we watched each other jerk off. That was hot. Too bad we never met up again. My guess was that you were afraid of too many things in life. But still, I loved that jerk off thing and have done it many times since. A lot of girls get into it. Thanks.

Vanessa - I met you at that party and we fucked later that night. And I got the definite sense you were using me to get back at some boyfriend. Don't do that. That kind of behavior is reserved for pricks like me.

Dr. Lara - You are a doctor. And on the first date, you asked me to fuck you in the ass. Didn't you learn anything in Medical School about Safe Sex? Other than the ass part, you were dull. You kinda reminded we of someone who went to Band Camp. And what's with the beret. You look like some 1970s graduate of the Lycee Francaise. You are such a dork.

Hannah - You were great. Smart. Good looking. Such a part of Greater london, with your cocktail parties and benefit dinners. Remember that time you introduced me to your friend Anna? I talked to her for hours, exchanging stories. As she was leaving, I told her she should be a writer. She laughed. Later that night you told me her full name - Anna Quindlen. OK, I'm a jerk. I'm not sure why it didn't work out with you. Maybe your family was too rich. People might have called me a gold digger. So I walked away.

Ellen - I lied to you. I just wanted to get into your pants and fuck you. And as soon as I did, I dumped you and made you cry. I didn't really care. But I've always wondered though, why did you insist that we fuck in your roommate's bed? Why did you insist I use your roommate's vibrator on you? I think you're a closet lesbian.

Nancy - You are a sexual weirdo. You take me home. I suck on your pussy til you come. Then you ask me to leave. Next date, same thing. So I asked our mutual friend, your ex. He said you did the same thing with him. I mentioned to our other friend in Woking, same thing. You have some sexual baggage going on there, don't you. But no matter, I didn't really like you. I just wanted to see your pussy so I could talk to my friends about you.

Patricia - Skinny as can be, red pussy hair and enormous tits. I still have that vision of you on all fours with me banging you from behind - your tits swaying, the size of bowling balls. I jerk off to you sometimes. Too bad you were a bitch.

Mary - You are that typical fat girl who over compensates by trying to be too social. And to be 33 and still a virgin. That is fucked up. Thanks for the BJ, but I just couldn't be the one to pop your cherry. I heard that you lost the weight. That was good. Then I heard you died of cancer. That was bad. Sorry. But shit happens!

Kerry - You were Mary all over again. Why do fat girls date me and then when I dump them, they lose 50 lbs and try to turn their lives around. I should market myself as a diet plan. But I loved the way you swallowed my cum. You really knew how to play with it.

Sue - You were old, I was drunk. I should have just masturbated that night. But my mother was in the hospital and I didn't want to be alone. I never think about you.

Daniela - You were so sexy hot. We went on a hike and you took your shirt off. And when we passed other hikers, you just smiled and said hello. So hot. Sorry I came inside you. I know that freaked you out.

Ruthie - I think that car accident when you were 22 gave you brain damage. You were a math major in college, but 10 years later you couldn't finish a fucking sentence:
"I can. I can finish a - hey, is it rain- I'm sleepy."
I dunno, you were like a character from a Simpsons episode, saying off-the-wall things all the time, but not realizing how ridiculous they sounded to the rest of us.
"Starsky and Hutch, that's a kind of ice cream isn't it?" And sex with you was like something from a bad tv sitcom. I'm banging your pussy. I'm staring at your beautiful face. I'm about to come, when you look deep into my eyes and say,
"You know, tomorrow, I think I'll wear that green dress with the brown belt." Externally you were beautiful. Internally, I think your brain had turned to apple sauce.

Isabelle - Ug. You are not in my masturbation fantasies. You are not in anyone's masturbation fantasies. I thought I'd feel guilty about being your first. I knew when I popped you that I'd never see you again. But in the end, I didn't care. Maybe you should get a tattoo or something. Anything that might give you the sex appeal you so desperately need.

Nicky - I'm not sure what to say. I certainly can't get mad at you. It was all my doing. You worked in the cafeteria in my work building. You had a strangely deformed face. Your chin was too long. Your cheekbones weren't symmetrical. And you were overweight. I saw you leaving the building that day. I shouldn't even have been there, but I didn't want to go to the hospital and I didn't want to go to the office. I took you home and we fucked. You know what I remember most about you? It wasn't your twisted face. It wasn't your sickeningly artificial childish mind set -
"So I said to him I said, first of all, like ...whatever!" What I remember about you most was the disturbing image of removing you pants and seeing the inches of curly black pubic hair poking out in all directions from your hole-ridden panties. I'm guessing you didn't have any visitors down there for a while and certainly weren't expecting anyone that day. Maybe when you were 16, you kept yourself well groomed, thinking you might meet a nice man and have a relationship. But as the years went by and nobody called, you let yourself go. And here you were at 35 years old. Deformed and alone. Ug, you were so grotesque that I should have run away. But that was it wasn't it? You were so grotesque I couldn't stop looking. You were my goal - the most vile looking woman ever splayed out before me in all of your naked glory. Wanting me. Needing me. God, you remined me of all women. Like how could she fucking do that?
I mean she´d go on about how she would drove off and as her final parting words to her 10 year old son, she said,
"You know, it's your fault I'm leaving." What fucked up mother would do that?????
I hated you so much that I never wanted to see you again, you crazy whore. Stop calling me!!!!
Fuck you bitch! FUCK YOU BITCH!

Welcome to my sick world, people!!!!

Rush hour

2006-12-07T17:51:00.000Z

The other day i was stuck in traffic for two hours! Let me just repeat myself. TWO FUCKING HOURS!!!! Not one of those soul wrenching, nerve wracking slow movements that allow you to eventually get there, no. Actually stopped dead. Nothing for two friggin´hours!
It was an untypical monday morning, around 6 a.m. on the IC20, just before the 25th April bridge. It started ok at first, with only a few cars to contend with and overtake at full throttle with all that the poxy renault clio could manage. But then in the distance i first saw it all...
"Oh, how sweet. They´r all stopped waiting for me to arrive..." Was the first thought to mind. When i finally noticed how long the rear red lighted serpent was winding up the motorway, i thought it might be rain ahead, what else can bring such chaos on portuguese roads but a little rain. Within another half an hour, people were actually getting out of their cars and having lengthy conversations between themselves
Finally, i myself had to get out and have a look at why the traffic was so bad. Let me tell you... It´s quite simple once you have lived here for a while... Road works!!! That´s it.. road works. In rush hour, first thing in the morning. now i know the rest of you may laugh and think, ´well yes, that´s portugal for you...` but I´ve actually learned to accept the fact that the portuguese refuse to do their road works at night like the rest of civilized europe. Yes i know, the working syndicates in portugal would have a heart attack if you even mentioned working around the rush hour and i´ve given up shouting a the black work force that seem to have nothing else to do but lounge around the debris they´ve created between the hours of 6 a.m. and 7 p.m. RIGHT IN RUSH HOUR!!!! Jesus i swear my entire body aches when i think about the stupidity of it but hey.... your in Portugal.. What can you do but laugh!!!

Borats new film.

2006-11-16T19:34:00.000Z

Sacha Baron Cohen's latest film is due for release in November, but the storm of protest has started early. Already the film, in which Borat, a fictional Kazakstani reporter, spits out food given to him by Jews on the ground it may be poisoned, and refuses to fly "in case the Jews repeat their attacks of 9/11", has been called "disgraceful" and "disgusting".
I first encountered the character of Borat in a clip from his BBC2 show which has circulated widely on the internet. Baron Cohen, as Borat, stands in front of an audience at a redneck bar in Arizona and announces that he will sing "a song from my country". He then sings, "In my country there is problem, and that problem is the Jew. They take everybody money and they never give it back." The chorus is particularly catchy: "Throw the Jew down the well (so my country can be free)."

The reason it is unsettling to many people, to hear Borat sing "Throw the Jew down the well" is because of the reaction of those listening. Some sit in mute astonishment and horror. But some join in. Some sing along, smile and stamp their feet. One woman even - unprompted, mind you - puts her fingers to her forehead to make horns when he sings, "You must take [the Jew] by his horns." Borat is unsettling not because his opinions are outlandish but because he reveals how many ordinary people share them.

Lol, gotta love it!!! Watch the film.

feral P.

Welcome Fidel!!

2006-11-02T07:48:00.000Z

Fidel Castro dies and goes to Heaven, but at the gates he wasn´t on the list, so St. Peter send him down to hell.
When he gets there the devil welcomes him in person:
"Hey Fidel, welcome, I´ve been expecting you!"
"Thanks Satan. I first went to Heaven and seemed to have left my bags behind."
"Ah don´t worry yourself about it, I´ll send two of my deamons to pick them up!"
So the two deamons go to Heaven and find the gates locked, as St. Peter had gone to lunch.
"Let´s jump over the wall." Says one of the deamons. "So as not to disturb anyone."
Just at that moment two Angels fly by and one says to the other:
"Incredible isn´t it? Castro has only been in hell for ten minutes and already we have refugees!!!"

Send in by the "Doc". Cheers bud.

Portuguese TV.

2006-10-30T07:29:00.000Z

Portuguese T.v. sucks. It´s all communist shit if you ask me! Like their French comrades, their outside broadcasts are in primitive 4:3 ratio. This makes watching the football quite annoying!!! And don´t even get me started on the ammount of adverts they have between programmes!!!! Jesus!! Last night I watched a film, which started at 11.oo pm and didn´t finish until 2 in the morning!!! Each break took about 15 to 20 minurtes!!!! 20 minutes of complete garbage that no one is ever interested in, 20 minutes of endless droning advertisements, 20 minutes that I had for a smoke break. And the government wants people to stop smoking!!!! Try cutting down on the adverts, because theirs nothing else to do but drain yourself on a cancer stick!!! When will people ever rebel??

Two men from Scotland.

2006-10-06T08:21:00.000+01:00

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
"Why of course", comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."
"Of Course", replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?" "Aberdeen", comes the reply.
"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too!
Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."
"Of course", replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?", he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacGregor twins are drunk again."

Here´s somethings I found Amusing

2006-09-23T12:15:00.000+01:00

I would greatly like to thank both Piero and Luis for making me laugh today with these ones.
Keep them coming!!
Feral.

These ones made me laugh!!!!

2006-09-09T12:40:00.000+01:00

1-
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip.
After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?
"Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
Holmes is silent for a moment. 'Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

2-
A woman gets on a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”

3-
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course.
One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course.
He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

Joke.

2006-09-09T12:27:00.000+01:00

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg.
So he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
The company replies:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a pirate.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasised his wooden leg, so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week passes and he received another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you'll really look the part.

The man is really furious now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head so he writes a really rude letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with an accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. Pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a fucking toffee apple.

Sent in by big Stu

Five things you wouldn´t want to eat!!

2006-09-03T12:12:00.000+01:00

From top to bottom 1: Squid ice cream. Squid, did you say?
2: Ant Eggs. What a treat mum!
3: Chocolate covered Cockroaches. Nice, nice.
3: Honey flavoured sausages. mmmmmm
And lastly: Giant Water Bugs in Red Curry Sauce. I´m never having an Indian curry again!

What the war was about. Funny jokes on the Iraq war

2006-08-29T21:31:00.000+01:00

"Today, the United Nations approved a resolution to lift the sanctions against Iraq. ...
Yeah, the move will allow Iraqis to buy things they don't have, such as medicine and weapons of mass destruction." —Conan O'Brien

"Hey, today we got the four of clubs. A guy named Samir al-Aziz, a Ba'ath party bad guy. And we now have the four of clubs, the five of clubs, the five of spades and the seven of diamonds. I don't know what game they're playing at the White House, but today, when it was confirmed that we had the four of clubs, Condoleezza Rice had to take off her blouse." —Bill Maher

"Now there are reports from Baghdad that officials are taking bribes for favours, giving jobs to their relatives, taking money under the table from contractors. You know what this means? The war is less than a week old, and already they have an American-style democracy." —Jay Leno

"For the first time the people of Iraq are united. Today on CNN I saw a Kurd, a Shiite and a member of the Republican Guard coming together to cart off a big screen TV." —Jay Leno

"We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours." —David Letterman

"All over Baghdad, Iraqi looters have been breaking into banks and walking out with millions of dollars in Iraqi money. As a result, they now qualify for President Bush's tax cut." —Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. military has begun handing out decks of cards with pictures of the most wanted men in Saddam Hussein's regime. There are 55 cards and they're handing them out so people can identify them. Apparently, three Tariq Aziz cards will get you a Pokemon." —Conan O'Brien

"There are reports that Saddam has been spotted in central Baghdad. Parts of him were also spotted in northern Baghdad, eastern Baghdad and western Baghdad." —Jay Leno

"We have an important decision to make now about who controls Iraq. You know, that's a critical question, because it's who we're going to be fighting in five to ten years." —Jay Leno

"And now the really difficult part: We have to rebuild Iraq into a strong and independent nation that will one day hate the United States." —David Letterman

"Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. ... However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well." —David Letterman

"The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral." —David Letterman

"War continues in Iraq. They're calling it Operation Iraqi Freedom. They were going to call it Operation Iraqi Liberation until they realized that spells 'OIL.'" —Jay Leno

"There was another war-related casualty today. The French were injured when they tried to jump on our bandwagon." —Jay Leno

"The Pentagon said today they're sending another 100,000 troops into the Gulf. We have 250,000 there and another 100,000 on the way — it's Operation George Gone Wild." —Jay Leno

"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." —Jay Leno

"Iraq began destroying those missiles they don't have over the weekend. See, President Bush may be the smartest military president in history. First, he gets Iraq to destroy all of their own weapons. Then he declares war." —Jay Leno

"Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is." —Jon Stewart

"President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq and it is sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, 'I know you're there, pick up, pick up." —Craig Kilborn

"Saddam Hussein also challenged President Bush to a debate. The Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English language." —Jay Leno

"President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either." —David Letterman

"We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem — it's in North Korea." —Jon Stewart

"A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag." —David Letterman

"Well, it looks like we've moved a step closer to war. Not with Iraq. With France and Germany. How did we screw that one up?" —Jay Leno

"Saddam Hussein has told his people that U.S. troops will commit suicide when they get to the gates of Baghdad. That's when you know you have a bad army, when your only hope for victory is that the enemy's troops kill themselves." —Jay Leno

"The military announced this week they're planning to use trained sea lions and seals to guard our ships in the Persian Gulf. That's when you know we don't have any allies, when you have to turn to other species.... They're going to use sea lions to guard the ships and dolphins to locate the mines. In fact, you know the only animal that won't help us, the French poodle." —Jay Leno

"If you're in a peace march and the guy next to you has a sign that says, 'Bush Is Hitler,' forget the peace thing for a second and beat his ass." —Dennis Miller

"In California, 50 women protested the impending war with Iraq by lying on the ground naked and spelling out the word peace. Right idea, wrong president." —Jay Leno

New York, New York

2006-08-23T08:43:00.000+01:00

A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a flight while inpossession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and acalculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Gonzales said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, 'There are three sides toeverytriangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligentor profound statement by the president.

Sent in by Ben...

Call it what you like, I still rule!!!!

2006-08-13T17:55:00.000+01:00

Those of you that know me, will know of my ultimate goal. My dreams for a better country, ruled by one man and his ideals. But although you have always heard me babble on the subject you have never heard of how I would rule.

Here are my 14 easy steps to government control.

1- Powerful and Continuing Nationalism

My regime will tend to make constant use of patriotic mottoes, slogans, symbols, songs, and other paraphernalia. Flags are seen everywhere, as are flag symbols on clothing and in public displays.

2- Disdain for the Recognition of Human Rights

Because of fear of enemies and the need for security, the people in my regime are persuaded that human rights can be ignored in certain cases because of "need." The people will tend to look the other way or even approve of torture, summary executions, assassinations, long incarcerations of prisoners, etc.

3- Identification of Enemies/Scapegoats as a Unifying Cause

The people are rallied into a unifying patriotic frenzy over the need to eliminate a perceived common threat or foe: racial , ethnic or religious minorities; liberals; communists; socialists, terrorists, etc.

4- Supremacy of the Military

Even when there are widespread domestic problems, the military is given a disproportionate amount of government funding, and if need be, the domestic agenda is neglected. Soldiers and military service are glamorized.

5- Rampant Sexism

The governments of my nation tend to be almost exclusively male-dominated. Under my regime, traditional gender roles are made more rigid. Opposition to abortion is high, as is homophobia and anti-gay legislation and national policy.

6- Controlled Mass Media

The media is directly controlled by the government, but in other cases, the media is indirectly controlled by government regulation, or sympathetic media spokespeople and executives. Censorship, especially in war time, will be very common.

7- Obsession with National Security

Fear will be used as a motivational tool by the government over the masses.

8- Religion and Government are Intertwined.

The government in my nation will tend to use the most common religion in the nation as a tool to manipulate public opinion. Religious rhetoric and terminology will be common from government leaders, even when the major tenets of the religion are diametrically opposed to the government's policies or actions.

9- Corporate Power is Protected

The industrial and business aristocracy often are the ones who put the government leaders into power, creating a mutually beneficial business/government relationship and power elite.

10- Labour Power is Suppressed

Because the organizing power of labour is the only real threat to any government, labour unions are either eliminated entirely, or are severely suppressed.

11- Disdain for Intellectuals and the Arts

My nation will tend to promote and tolerate open hostility to higher education, and academia. It will not uncommon for professors and other academics to be censored or even arrested. Free expression in the arts is openly attacked, and the government will often refuse to fund the arts.

12- Obsession with Crime and Punishment

Under my regime, the police are given almost limitless power to enforce laws. The people will be often willing to overlook police abuses and even forego civil liberties in the name of patriotism. There will be a national police force with virtually unlimited power in my nation.

13- Rampant Cronyism and Corruption

My regime will almost always be governed by groups of friends and associates who appoint each other to government positions and use governmental power and authority to protect their friends from accountability.

14- Fraudulent Elections

Sometimes elections in my nation will be held, but only for the world wide media. These elections will be manipulated by smear campaigns against or even assassination of opposition candidates, use of legislation to control voting numbers or political district boundaries, and manipulation of the media. My nation will also typically use their judiciaries to manipulate or control elections.

Pulling on the boots...

2006-08-10T17:23:00.000+01:00

Pulling on the boots,
and breaking up the laces,
shaving our head,
and strapping on the braces.

There you have a skinhead,
looking for a fight,
skinhead, skinhead,
running through the night.

skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
panic not to fight.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
get it on the wrist.

making for the lane way,
waiting for the scum,
smash their yellow faces,
kick them up the bum.

When they think we´re pussies,
we will show them none,
skinhead, skinhead,
until the job is done.

Skinhead, skinhead,
putting in the boot,
looking for a street fight,
looking for a route.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the place,
skinhead, skinhead,
stomping on your face.

When the coppers see us,
at first they go for a gun,
but when they see us come to war,
it´s then they start to run.

When we wear our badges,
it makes us real proud,
skinhead, skinhead,
shout it out loud.

Skinhead, skinhead,
running from the light,
making lots of trouble,
starting lots of fights.

skinhead, skinhead,
getting really pissed,
skinhead, skinhead,
paint it on the wrist.

skinhead, skinhead....

Movie goodness

2006-08-09T14:12:00.000+01:00

I watched a film last night, which at first I thought might be promising. The film was called "Death Train" or the "Train of Death" or something along those lines... Anyway ten minutes into the movie I already had doubts that it would turn out to be any good. Firstly the train was full of monks and nuns on their way to a pilgrimage to Loures. "Hold on a minute?" I thought out loud. "This is going to be shite!"
Well I wasn´t disapointed, the train had been taken over by a band of terrorists, from South Africa I think, who had escaped with a highly toxic and deadly virus.
"Ok, so I´ll give this a chance, maybe they´ll be a massive virus charged death train full of brain hungry zombies dressed as monks who will rampage across the French countryside." Nah!!! The international anti terrorist police made a couple of apearences to try and save the day but did fuck all except get themselves killed and their helicopters shot down by stinger missiles. So it was left to two monks, whom I forgot to mention were part of Secret Papacy Organisation, called the Pugnus Dei. "Pugnus Dei?" I said trying to recollect my latin. "Fists of God???????????????? This is definitely going to be shite!"
These two dipshits, one of them a former U.N. soldier that fought in Bosnia (as you would expect!) battled their way to save the day by giving everyone an antidote to the deadly virus, through the miracle of the bread of Christ! That´s right, that white round disk thingy you eat at church.
In the end of the day the main monk was a martial arts expert who killed three of the terrorists and then worked his way to the leader and rammed the train against his escaping helicopter. (Told you it was shite!) Honestly, who comes up with these lame stories? Producers and directors have seriously got to be desperate to even consider making a film like this. I mean I thought that "Plan Nine from Outer Space" was considered to be the worst film ever made, critics should keep their eyes open for this beauty!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For those who take life too seriously...

2006-08-08T09:41:00.000+01:00

Ok, so I've been all nationalistic and serious recently, so I apologise...
Here is something to lighten the mood...

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
2. A day without sunshine is like....night.
3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
4. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
5. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
6. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
7. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
8. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
9. How many of you believe in psychokinesis?...Raise my hand.
10. OK...so what's the speed of dark?
11. When everything is coming your way, you' re in the wrong lane.
12. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
13. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
14. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
15. "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
16. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
17. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened.
18. Just remember---if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
19. Light travels faster than sound. That is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
20. Life isn't like a box of chocolates....it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

The Geneva Convention.

2006-08-07T18:11:00.000+01:00

"July 18 2003: Tony Blair and George Bush will publish a joint statement today about the two Britons facing a military trial in Cuba for fighting in Iraq, causing speculation that Washington has agreed to a series of demands made by Downing Street."

We’ve been hearing a lot about the "Geneva Convention" and how it relates to those buttbags in Guantanomo bay. As some of you may be unfamiliar with this convention, I have gone through some painstaking "research" to make things easier for you to understand when someone talks about it. Are you ready to take notes?

* At the Geneva Convention, it cost $15 at the door to get an all-day pass that included a souvenir mug. Nice, nice...

* Not to be confused with the Bassmaster’s Convention of 1965, Geneva does allow you to fish using dynamite.

* The Geneva Convention pin is still a collector’s item in Geneva.

* Spain does not have to follow the rules of engagement because following the rules requires a country to actually fight. (Remember Iraq and the Madrid train bombing?)

* It does provide a clause for how to properly wave a white flag.

* The clause is only in Spanish. No other translation has been requested.

* If you stare at the cover of the rulebook, you can see the Spanish King on the toilet drinking a puppy smoothie.

* Don Kings hair breaks 15 rules of the convention.

* Chuck Norris breaks 85 of them - with a roundhouse kick.

* There are 58,359 rules listed from the convention, but no one except the United States has to follow them.

My friend told me a good story once...

When he was in the military he was put in a hypothetical situation. If an enemy ambushed and killed 15 of your men, ran out of ammunition, and just gave up, what would I do?
He replied that he would shoot them. The Lieutenant, being a little flustered, reminded him that it would be against the Geneva Convention if he did such a thing. He returned the favour by reminding him that he didn’t sign it and, therefore, did not care what the Swiss assholes come up with for rules of war.

Needless to say, he wasn’t in the military long after that.

I´m a mushroom cloud laying mother fucker, mother fucker...

2006-08-07T17:55:00.000+01:00

Iraqi rebels admits they weren’t expecting such a response over the kidnapping of two Allied soldiers. I’ve got three words to say…

Stupid dumb fucks!!

It looks to me that the usual response - you kidnap a couple of our people, we shoot a couple of your people, we negotiate releases - doesn’t work very well. So Iraqi rebels decided to try a new approach. You kidnap our people again, we’ll bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you beg for mercy. Then we’ll still bomb the crap out of you and the country you’re in until you no longer exist and the country becomes a worst desert than it already is.

Awesome!!

This is how war is, retards. Let me try and explain it in a way you can understand... Think of it on a smaller scale. If you slap me across the face, I will most likely shoot you between the eyes. Does that seem fair? Nope - but guess how many people have slapped me across the face. Just guess.

On a larger scale, this means that the rest of the Middle East will think twice before doing something stupid to Allied troops and civilians. Think about it. Israel has yet two things :
to ask the US for help, or drop The Bomb.
I wouldn’t mind seeing a mushroom cloud in my lifetime. Of course, I’d prefer somewhere not close to me. The whole glowing-in-the-dark thing would really bother me when I’m trying to sleep.

Death at the traffic lights

2006-08-06T20:20:00.000+01:00

Traffic was worse than usual, school aren´t back from their holidays and so everyone has decided to cut across Lisbon to get to the beach. It´s hot again as per usual and my car was made in the pre air conditioned days. I’m sitting gazing at a red traffic light, at the front of the queue sweating like a twelve year old in a room full of peadophiles, when in the corner of my eye I see something head across the road.

She didn’t wait for the red light, didn't press the button for the crossing, just picked a gap in the crossing traffic and took off. Where were the parents? Nobody else around to stop her but then it’s too late.

The driver had no chance, he struck her with a glancing blow, and a small body is flung over the bonet and back across the road. With luck she would have survived, but the odds were against her. The final blow, a large Cherokee Jeep coming the other way, crushed her in the opposite direction and into the tarmac, just another victim of the mighty automobile.

In 15 seconds, while my light was red, a tiny butterfly fluttered by and landed on my windscreen, I turn the wipers on and it dies too.

It’s strange what you notice on the way to work!!!!

How the war was won, or not...

2006-08-04T13:49:00.000+01:00

I was never against the war in Iraq. However I was against the way it was fought from the beginning. A blitz to Baghdad without securing the country as it was taken was a mistake as was not disarming the population. I understand that the administration thought that the Shiite would welcome the Allies with open arms. They did and then said get your asses back home so we can get our revenge on the Sunni. And make no mistake-the Shiite will get their revenge on the Sunni and the Kurds may get their revenge on both. I do not like half stepping into war. It just gets people needlessly killed. War should be conducted ruthlessly and totally or not at all. Anyone who is not in uniform and has a weapon must be shot on sight and no questions asked. There should never be a negotiated peace-only a peace that comes about by total surrender. Otherwise we get a peace that will last only long enough for the enemy to regroup and fight again. It is probably to late now to change the way the occupation is being conducted and our only hope is that one faction or another can gain enough control of a new Iraqi government that we can say we won and then go home and let the three factions duke it out until one comes up a winner--and maybe kills off about half the population while doing it. If I sound pessimistic it is because I am. The allies have the best trained, most capable, and strongest military on this earth. But no military can win a war the way this one is being fought. When it comes right down to it we have won the war and lost the peace because there is no one to turn the government over to and we didn't demand total surrender so we could establish one ourselves. Half stepping never gets you a victory. So, you ask, is there an answer? Yes, I tell you but you may not like it. A massive build up of Allied troops with an intense training program to train Iraqi forces for six months. The Iraqi government, such as it is, must be informed that we are pulling out and the ball is in your half of the court. We have trained your troops and we have provided you with the means to defend yourselves against the bad guys. We won, and we are going home. We have informed Syria and Iran to keep thier ragheaded butts out of it or we will flatten them like a pancake too. It is all up to you. And if you fuck with us we will come back and take your asses out just like we did Saddam. We did it once and we can do it again. Now get your Goddamed oil fields producing and we will all be happy again!!!!

Bored!!!

2006-08-04T09:51:00.000+01:00

Ever have one of those days when you just wanted to grab your passport and jet off to a random country just to get away for a while? No plans, no set destination, just grab your well worn leather overnight bag and browse the departures until you find something interesting? Airport roulette as it were. A grand adventure in the spirit of Indiana Jones. No reservations, just a desire to explore and conquer with a well worn backpack, a M60 and a handfull of grenades!!!

I’m having one of those days today.

Only I doubt that I’d be allowed thorough airport security with an arsenal of weapons these days. Instead, I’m stuck at the house dealing with painters today. Which is an intense shot of the mundane. And its not quite what I’d like to be doing today. (Although I’m not really sure WHAT I’d like to be doing. I’m thinking something that doesnt involve foul smelling toxic paint.) Either way, I’m stuck here instead. Which thrills me to no end. I just need a couple of hours out somewhere. Maybe out in the car on an abandoned road, gunning down unwelcomed residents to the area. Just time to roll the windows down turn the stereo up and just scream up a winding road, RATATATAT!!!!!! (that´s my machine gun impression!!!). No to do list, no painters, no discussion of colour coordination. Just quality time burning up some premium gas at speeds just on the outside of “responsible”. Either that or I need to take a toy car out with a water pistol and just cruise a little and unwind. Some quality time with a big hunk of vintage japanese iron car and an American weapon of some sort.

Or perhaps I’ll just take a nap and see if I’m more motivated after that.

English is a strange language!!

2006-08-03T19:12:00.000+01:00

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?

"When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two pence in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

If you mixed vodka with orange juice and milk of magnesia, would you get a Philips Screwdriver?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a "whack"?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you that a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure.

Chrissy C. A guy with a lousy sense of direction...

2006-08-02T22:00:00.000+01:00

Once upon a time there was an Italian guy named Chris Columbus. Being a bit of a rogue, he eventually had to escape his homeland and ended up in Portugal. It was rumoured that there he acquired an ancient route, discovered by a Portuguese explorer to a new land. (But that´s another story) Anyway other rumours, while in Spain, he was having a mad affair with Queen Isabella, much to the chagrin of King Philip. Chris had a grand scheme on how to get oughta town fast.......
Pleading for Ships
"Izzie, honey, gimme a few ships; I'm gonna rock on to India, loot that land and bring back every exotic spice I can find and beside I'm a thinkin' Philip is royally cheesed off." (or words to that effect)
Izzie said,
"Cool, go for it." (well, maybe not in those exact words.)

So one day in 1492, Chris set sail with a few little ships, the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, explorer, Atlantis and the Enterprise (Something to that effect, anyway!!!!). As time went on, it became clear that our intrepid explorer couldn't tell the difference between a Sex Pot and a Sextant. He eventually sank his flagship, the Santa Maria, but that's also another story. As a result he sailed west instead of east. He ended up a very lo-o-o-ong way from his original destination, India, of course being in the opposite direction. Sigh!!!! (Or did he????)
By the time young Chris arrived on the shores of what is know today as the Dominican Republic, (he called it Hispanola), his men were starving and diseased.
"India, India, Ave Maria, I'm in India !" gasped Senor Rocket Scientist as he staggered on shore.

As he pointed to the tall, elegant, copper-skinned People who were waiting to greet him, he wrongfully concluded,
"And, you are Indians, Ave Maria (again), you are Indians!! we've reached the promised land!." Er-r-r No Chris.
Note ever having seen a white man never mind one who spoke Italian, The People just smiled, and set about saving the lives of Chris and his men.

STOP WITH THE FOLLOWING MYTH ALREADY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Many folks think, for some reason, that Chris and the lads made it to Canada and the United States. NO NO NO NO - Never did, he was lucky he found his way to Hispanola. He went there four times between 1491-1496 - never set foot on North American soil - GIVE THIS MYTH A REST!

What is sadly ironic is the fact that even though young Chris never made it to North America, the word 'Indian' managed to find its way from the bottom to the top of Turtle Island.

And............

The rest, as they say is history.....

What I´ve been thinking about!!! Fortune Cookies!

2006-08-02T10:40:00.000+01:00

Fortune cookies.

A magnificent treat that also provides deep, penetrating insight into your future. Unlike horoscopes, these little tidbits are not vague and all-encompassing... they are specific to you and only you - such as "You will make a rewarding decision."
But all too often these chinese wonders fail to live up to their promise. First off, there's fortunes like "The future holds great things for you." Great! What the hell does that mean? Am I going to find two Euros under my cushion tomorrow? Or am I going to make a squillion Euros without doing any real work in 5 years? How do I know what a cookie considers a great thing? Maybe it considers the fact I'm not eating it a good thing. This statement is highly subjective, especially from a cookie's perspective.

Then, with things like "Pass the bill to the person of your left" (yes, the person of your left!!!) and "You should make a bold business decision," the fortune cookie goes from prophecizing about your future to telling you what to do. It crosses the line between fortune and advice and this is truly disappointing. The last thing I need is a cookie telling me what to do. Do I take advice from a Walkers Crisps? I don't fucking think so!!!!! Why should the fortune cookie get any preferential treatment? If you're not going to tell me about my future, I don't want to hear it. And on a related note, have those "lucky numbers" ever been lucky for anyone? You'd think a self-proclaimed cookie of fortune could give you some real lucky numbers. I mean, if it can't get that right, how am I supposed to believe the fortune/advice it gives me is legit?

And last, who decided the fortune cookie was a cookie? Did they know what a cookie is? Had they seen a cookie before? Because if they had, it'd be pretty glaringly obvious that the fortune cookie, with it's folded shape and hollow inside, did not fit the bill. It's more like a cracker than a cookie, though even that doesn't quite fit. Really, what it all boils down to is this: The fortune cookie is neither a fortune, nor a cookie.

That´s what I´ve been thinking about today!!!!